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RamFam
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| Posted: April 08 2008 at 8:32pm | IP Logged
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I am just beginning homeschooling and realize there is a lot of time between now and college for my kids, but my husband has a concern that recently surfaced. He is one hundred percent for our homeschooling, but wonders if 'sheltering' our children, no matter how necessary in today's society, will make it difficult for them to relate with others. I am asking this of those of you have a graduated home educated child in college or the workfield.
Finally, my question: How has your child adjusted to college or work life? Does he/she find it difficult connecting with others, not knowing some of their musical or television choices and what not? Has it been a culture shock at all? Is the concern unqualified? I think this is basically a non-issue, but maybe they will feel unconnected to their peers or to society in general. If this is something I should truly be concerned about, then how do I go about culturalizing or 'socializing' my kids so they will feel a part of American society?
Does this make sense?
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Leah
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Tom ^i^, Kyle (my Marine), Adeline '00, Wyatt '05, Isaac '07 Philip '08,Michael '10, and John Xavier Feb '13
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stefoodie
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| Posted: April 08 2008 at 9:05pm | IP Logged
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i don't have a child who's done with schooling, but i can already see she won't have a problem (she's 17). she's got a good head on her shoulders, is way more sensible than i was at that age, can hold her own when conversing with people from different backgrounds and of different ages -- so far, no indication that homeschooling was a disadvantage at all, in terms of connecting with others. and we love our discussions -- about choices that we've made or she's made; things that she feels strongly about herself based on her own reasons and not just our own (like no dating for now). it's so refreshing listening to her views about life, about the faith, about people, and know that though we've had something to do with her upbringing, she's very much her own person.
we haven't really done anything consciously "to socialize" or "culturalize" her -- we've allowed her to take classes based on interests, make and maintain friendships with input from us every now and then, be involved in community/Church activities of her own choosing... though we still guide her hand every now and then it seems she's got a good grip on the reins and can steer herself well.
i don't think your concern is necessarily unqualified. it's just difficult to visualize something that is still largely unknown. what we've done through the years is evaluate every now and then -- are our kids where we'd like them to be/where God wants them to be? and then make necessary adjustments... mostly we've found (so far) that when our focus is leading them to God the other things kinda take care of themselves. He sends people/events/opportunities that bless our children in so many ways.
learning to trust His plan has helped us tremendously. doesn't mean we don't ever worry or make mistakes, but since He's the God of lemonade (i hope that's not being irreverent) we are not as apprehensive about the future as we used to be.
hope that helps,
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stef
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Lauri B
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| Posted: April 09 2008 at 6:25am | IP Logged
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Our always-homeschooled 18 yo daughter still has one year to go, but she's worked at the library for two years, runs her own business, and was published in a book last year. She's not just a nice, hard-working person but she's at ease with people of all ages and very mature for her age.
In my experience, that is what most homeschoolers are like because they haven't been socialized in a peer culture their whole lives, but have actually lived in the world, functioned at places of business, workplaces, neighborhoods, etc. Perhaps if you hubby got to know some real teens and some real homeschoolers he'd see the drastic benefits, too? Of course it depends upon the family regardless of schooling choice, LOL, the apple doesn't usually fall far from the tree! :) ;) Hee hee!!
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: April 09 2008 at 8:51am | IP Logged
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I have read that some colleges try to have special social programs for homeschool kids. They love homeschool kids for their thinking and independent study skills, but sometimes the kids do have a different time assimilating in the dorm. The thing is that this is not necessarily a bad thing. The difference is usually less about pop culture references (I mean, consider foreign exchange students) but about maturity levels and pre-existing emotional damage. (Already "damaged" kids are more likely to turn to excessive partying, speaking as someone who saw college as freedom from the emotional damage I received at home and school.)
As for assimilating into the workplace, I think that really varies based on the family. If a kid was raised with very few parameters and expectations for living up to commitments, whether they are homeschooled or traditionally schooled I think they will have a hard time in the workforce. I have also seen this with kids that developed a chip on their shoulder that the world "owes" them something no matter how they act.
I worked with a fifteen-year homeschooler at a restaurant in college. His issues were just that he was a fifteen-year-old working with college students, but he was a favorite among us because he not only did the basics of his job (dishwasher/cleaning tables) but during really busy times he would take the initiative and offer to fetch and refill things for us.
People are often especially concerned about radical unschoolers and this issue, since they can sometimes verge on the border of what some would consider "un-parenting". I wonder, though, if radical unschoolers tend to gravitate more towards non-traditional and entrepreneurial jobs anyway.
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Barbara
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ALmom
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| Posted: April 09 2008 at 10:30pm | IP Logged
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We were very much on the sheltering spectrum with our oldest who was homeschooled K - 12. She is currently at a secular college and there was no adjustment - just breezed right into college. She is by nature a very social being so maybe that helped. Freshman year there was all wonderful. She had the time of her life while doing a great job academically, making friends, no troubles at all except with balancing the check book (no overspending just not great at recording who or when or why she wrote a check). Anyways, she called home excited about everything that year.
The end of the Sophmore year is throwing a few more challenges for her, but these are life things - and not related to homeschool/not homeschool but that she simply does not share the value system there. Some are mature enough to maintain peer/working friendship relationships and some are not and choose to be rather juvenile in how they show it (in your face, you are not invited to this or suddenly dropping you like a hot potato with no explanation offered and even sometimes after being your best friend, the judgemental attitude that some can have towards Catholics, etc.). Sometimes she witnesses things that are alien to her way of thinking and yes it is somewhat shocking, but it should be. She is not incapable of handling this as now she has the maturity to deal with it and the confidence to remain true to her principles regardless of the cost. Those homeschool years were a lot of building of nature and grace is continuing to build on that foundation with every experience.
It is important that the freshman have a good roommate and you help them navigate finding a roommate with similiar values - this is a must for safety, but we found a roommate from the college on-line roommate finder service where questions to answers were minimal so she didn't have to go in with a buddy necessarily, you just helped them read between the lines a bit and e-mail prior to committing. She is close enough to home and does call from time to time and knows we continue to be there to guide her but she does handle her own problems.
Homeschooling helped her avoid undue peer pressure, develop social graces and courtesies and avoid cliques, have solid moral foundation before she got there and other such. Most importantly, it allowed her to mature in an environment that consistently reinforced our values. She has no trouble making friends, getting along with professors, doing the work, etc. She gets along with all types of people - not just those who share her values. She is a great communicator.
She was a tad intimidated by the "threatening language" related to cheating(the professors can lay it on thick to get the less sensitive types attention)and dd is one of those sensitive, artsy types that tends to be direct without flattery or exaggeration so she was afraid of "accidentlally plagiarizing and getting kicked out" but I encouraged her to take her paper and discuss it directly with the professor. This was probably one of those homeschool adjustments. Things were fine after that and I'm sure the professor never had someone take him quite so literally before.  She made an A in that class.
She had to learn to be a bit more assertive as far as - you need advising help and no one is responding to e-mail. Show up and place your smiling little face in front of them and remain until someone has scheduled you for the advising you need or answered your questions. She has learned to clearly state her needs and expect assistance when it is something that is part of the college's obligation to her. This, again, may be an adjustment due to homeschooling, but from what I hear, the entire music student body has this problem so maybe not.
We did prepare her for things that she would not have had knowledge of prior or that we were not certain that she was aware of ugliness out in the world (she knew some more than we thought but we didn't want to take chances with her safety) - some of the things particular to a young lady's safety and we took a self defense course together where a police officer discussed some of these issues as well. We spoke about those that might try to take advantage of innocence - people often give deceptive impressions of themselves to get what they want. She has always shown prudence in judgement, strength of character and solidly got a good head on her shoulders. Ie, though she had never been exposed to most of this ugliness before college, we did have to talk about it before she went off and we did. She has been prudent with regards to her safety and it wasn't a damaging or sudden revelation but just like we've always handled things - protect them from the ugly until it is essential that they know).
She had the maturity to know she had to make choices with these realities in mind much more so than even a 16 or 17 yo might. We were grateful that we had not been forced to deal with some of these issues prior to this time. (Her grandfather was the bigger wreck about her going off to college and all the fear that we had sheltered her way too much - so much so that he was in tears but reassured when he knew we'd done a safety course and did talk about things with her.) She didn't have any angst over this. I'm a very proud mama - can't you tell  .
However, there has been a great deal of lonliness as far as finding someone who shares her faith or finding faith support - there is a definite clique mentality among most Christians on campus and my dd has observed that they are the most unwelcoming group on campus whether they are Catholic or Protetant. This is really sad, but also sadly pretty accurate of her particular situation. Her parish is quite irregular and the only one available. We are gradually discovering that others drive more than an hour on Sundays to find a solid parish. My daughter doesn't have a car or the time for this on a regular basis so it is hard for her to meet these folks. She has gone to theology presentations at the parish when she knows they are solid but people refuse to speak to her here. She started out trying to help with music but was basically used and now no one speaks to her. She would think it was her except that she doesn't have trouble communicating with any other group of people on campus. She is immensely popular in the music crowd, in her classes in academics and music, at the contra dances, anything else she has done. However, with the firm foundation of homeschooling and the confidence of knowing her own values and her own interests and inclinations she has the maturity to face these things and deal with them without being utterly crushed, though she is sad. She calls home to talk. She asks for advice on how to respond to something from time to time, but basically she is very well adjusted, independent, and has a very good head on her shoulders. She is looking for ways to hobble together some spiritual guidance long distance. I don't believe any of this sadness is particular to homeschooling. It wouldn't matter what school she did or did not go to; it is the fact that she is solidly Catholic and it impacts the way she lives. She is in the world but not of it.
Well that is my 2 cents. Others have way more experience than I do. I only have 1 graduate so far.
Janet
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MacBeth
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| Posted: April 10 2008 at 11:06am | IP Logged
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Interesting topic. While we did shelter them when they were young, all the kids are pretty savvy and streetwise. Perhaps it's because we live in NY, and the world is here--there is no avoiding it, especially with observant kids. In fact, unless you live in a cave or keep the kids in the cellar, there will be exposure to both the good and bad sides of life. I think that when the kids are younger, we often believe we are sheltering them way more that we really are, unless we never let them out into the world. We don't watch TV, but on the subways and the sides of buses, there are ads that must be explained. There are snippets of news on the radio. There are newspapers, and there are other humans. Lots of other humans.
I anticipate no big adjustment as we "hardened off" our college bound dd  . She has not been home for each summer since she was 12/13. As a musician, she really had to attend summer programs that would challenge her and help her to grow musically. The first time she left, we were very worried, but she was not too far, and we visited every weekend; the supervision was great, and she thrived. The next year, she toured France and Italy, but I went with her. The following year, she summered at my alma mater, and again, we visited every weekend, the supervision was excellent, and the opportunities for playing to a variety of audiences, and a teaching internship, made it more than worthwhile. The last two years, she has been way too far for way too long for us to visit but once. But like Janet's dd, she has always felt free to call us with any problems or issues she might have. Last year in particular, there were some major issues with the underage crowd, and a few kids, including one she has known since they were 4, were told to leave the school. All of this, of course, is before college, but we were glad to see that she had the sense not to become involved in the mess just because her friends were.
College, I suspect, will be about the same. Since she will be attending with many of the same kids she has known for years (good kids), and since she will be close to home and coming home on weekends, and since she has been studying in the pre-college program in the same facility and with the same faculty and staff for the past 4 years, I know the transition will not be hard. But she would have thrived at any of the colleges to which she applied. She is social but sensible. She chooses her friends well. She is open and free with us, asking us for advice and bringing her concerns to us promptly. All things considered, I think homeschooling has prepared her better for the world--because we homeschool in the world--than the artificial environment of institutional education would have.
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MacBeth in NY
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MacBeth
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| Posted: April 12 2008 at 7:20pm | IP Logged
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Please don't let my post be the last one here, folks. I, too, want to hear about the experiences that homeschooled kids have in college. Mine is speculation--hopeful speculation . I know there are others with kids in college who can offer more info...
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MacBeth in NY
Don's wife since '88; "Mom" to the Fab 4
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SallyT
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I don't have a college student yet -- my oldest is in 9th grade. But many of my friends have graduated kids, and all the ones I can think of are thriving in a wide variety of colleges, from Thomas Aquinas and Christendom to a big state university in Louisiana. In other words, they're doing well in a variety of circumstances, with a varying level of "shelteredness" as orthodox Catholics.
This isn't a college thing, but my good friend's oldest daughter, who will graduate from homeschool next month, spent most of the last year working at a local restaurant (which has since closed, or she'd still be there), and by the end of her first month, they were talking about promoting her to assistant manager, at the age of 17. Not sure they actually ever did, but that says volumes about her maturity, ability to cope, organizational skills, and a whole lot more.
I think family life offers at least as much experience in coping with other people, learning to get along, and pulling together as a "team," as any other situation a child could be part of. Homeschoolers also pick up a lot of life skills which kids in school don't have as much opportunity to practice: making dinner, cleaning house, laundry, etc. Those things may sound minor, but a lot of college students are totally clueless when it comes to taking care of themselves. I can see that my 14 and 10yos are able to do these kinds of daily things already, which mean that they won't be at a total loss when they leave home. I can remember, when my parents took me to college for the first time, feeling that I didn't know WHEN to eat, or whether it was okay to take a shower in the middle of the day, or anything. I guess I'd had someone telling me all my life . . . So I try to make a point of pushing independence and competence at these basic life things, figuring that if they can take care of themselves, they'll be ahead of whatever game they may find themselves in.
But like Macbeth, I'm speculating here. I didn't want hers to be the last post -- but now don't let mine be!
Sally
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Leonie
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| Posted: April 15 2008 at 5:17pm | IP Logged
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Okay, I now have four homeschool graduates ( Yikes! I am old! ). Homeschooling the youngest three still.
My oldest three have finished university study - coped well with university, did volunteer work, joined political parties, worked part time. They all now work full time in a variety of careers, are well adjusted, involved in church, no-one would think they are weird and that they lool like they hadn't been to school, iykwim.
My fourth son is in his third year of uni (started early), very involved in church activities, works part time at two different jobs and also is very social
(like his mum??) and has no troubles being involved in uni or other activities.
We have been pretty much into church and homeschool groups over the years, so I think it has just been natural for them to make the transition. I have also always encouraged my teens to do volunteer work and to work part time, as I think this gives them wide experience.
And simply being in our larger, busy family has been good preparation for life outside homeschooling , I think. Being part of a team aka family  , pulling your weight, getting on with others, having to be independent and take initiative, learning to fit everything in....life skills!
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Leonie in Sydney
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Tonya
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| Posted: April 17 2008 at 3:13pm | IP Logged
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Hi, I am relatively new to this board but I will add my two cents! I have two in college and they have both done well but if anything, my younger always homeschooled daughter adjusted better than my older daughter who went to public highschool. She learned how to be self-reliant, motivated, and she learned how to study. She managed her time well because she had learned not to waste time at home. She knew how to set up a study schedule and accomplish her goals. Both of my daughters have stayed very close to our family and our family values. I agree with Leonie that being part of a larger family made them more adaptable to life outside our home.
Like MacBeth, we did not overly shelter our older children. They have been active in the pro-life movement which opens up the doors to ugly reality. By not sheltering we have had amazing conversations that have allowed our older children to analyze tough topics such as abortion, same-sex marriages, immigration issues, and issues of a just-war. My kids actually THINK about these issues which helps them so much when they are confronted with these issues from a different perspective. We also, for the most part, let them make decisions about movies, clothes, and music. They have never seemed to push the limits too far and they actually censor the younger ones harder than we, the parents, do!
Homeschooling high school does have its issues but for the most part it seems to be working for us. I wouldn't trade a day of it. (Well maybe some days, but....!)
God bless,
Tonya
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4Real Forums : High School Years and Beyond
Topic: After High School
