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Genevieve
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I do not have the habit of being gentle, but would like to. I have taken some steps but am currently at a loss as to what else could I do or to what sources I can pull out to inspire me to be kinder, softer and more compassionate towards the people around me.
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Genevieve
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Molly Smith
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Genevieve, I have two recommendations that are helping me as I, too, try to develop a gentler spirit. First, talk less. And when you do talk, use a calm tone. (I'm not saying you talk a lot--how would I know??--I just know I'm a recovering talk-aholic so it applies to me  )
Second, find someone near you whom you can emulate. Personally, my friend Nan is the dearest, gentlest mom I know. If I could be one tenth the person she is I would be satisfied. Sounds weird, but I watch her with her husband and children, I listen to her speak to other moms and grownups, I see the decisions she makes regarding activities and notice what influences her decisions. She has a kind, gentle, beautiful spirit and having her as a real life reach-out-and-touch-you friend and mentor (I'm fortunate to see her a couple of times each week) has changed my life for the better.
Just thought I'd pass these tidbits along, but I'm looking forward to hearing more responses.
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Marybeth
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The Hidden Power of Kindness Fr. Lovasik
Character Building David Issacs
I highly recommend these books for inspiration.
My ds's preschool just had a talk on how to inspire the virtue of kindness in your dc. All the Moms were talking about the David Issacs book.
Mb
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Erin
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Genevieve,
I struggle in this area, although I really feel I have made alot of progress. Obviously prayer is a big help, but on a practical help a big turn around for me was the book, "Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit' by Terri Maxwell. Have you heard of it?
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Erin
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Erin
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Oh, Genevieve,
I forgot to add, a friend was also struggling with this issue (we both have Irish heritage ). So we teamed up and supported each other, a real encouragement.
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Erin
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Natalia
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I second the HIdden Power of Kindness.
Natalia
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mary
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Those book suggestions are excellent. I'll add a practical note - have your kids monitor your tone of voice. I pay my boys a quarter if they catch me having a bad tone of voice. 
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Bridget
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I have been working on this too! It is really hard for me to overcome my oldest child, drill sargeant habits. 
The things that help me are prayer, the good example of others, (I have gone out of my way to cultivate friendships with moms who are what I would like to be). And I remind myself that the way I behave will heavily influence the way my children behave. My girls are likely to mother the way I do and my boys are likely to marry women who are similar to me in some ways! Yikes!!!
Another thing that helps is training myself to smile at my dh and each child, every time I see them. Even if it's only been a few minutes since I last saw them. That gives me a gentle spirit quickly.
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Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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Elizabeth
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Bridget wrote:
The things that help me are prayer, the good example of others, (I have gone out of my way to cultivate friendships with moms who are what I would like to be). And I remind myself that the way I behave will heavily influence the way my children behave. My girls are likely to mother the way I do and my boys are likely to marry women who are similar to me in some ways! Yikes!!!
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There is so much wisdom here. We are very influenced by our friends. Both Bridget and Molly have mentioned how important it is to cultivate friendships with women of strong Catholic character.
I really notice when my children have been influenced by a peer--both for the good and for the not-so-good. And their siblings are quick to call them on it; they'll remark that the child is acting just like so-and-so. They pick mannerisms so easily! One of the blessings of educating at home is that we can choose whose mannerisms are children will imitate.
Like our children, we can pick up the habits of the people with whom we associate, whether it's a brashness or a gentleness. I am so grateful for mentors God put in my path early in my mothering. And I will ask myself even now, 17 years later, "What would Margaret do?" And sometimes I need to ask myself, "Would Margaret have a friend like this?" Friendships can be a great blessing--they can be sources of comfort and encouragement and inspiration. They can be real and present evidence of the Body of Christ. I still need to surround myself with gentleness and maturity and to be reminded every day to aspire to a closer walker with God.
It's also important that our children see us choose friends carefully. All of our friends won't necessarily mother the same way we do, but our children can see a common thread in the way mature Christian women behave. So, our daughters will grow to behave the way we do and the way our friends do and our sons will see what fruit is borne of a real Christian womanhood.
A teenaged son of a homeschooling mom I admire told her recently that he holds every girl he meets up to the image he has of his mom. I know that that is a very high standard. But what a testimony to her mothering, indeed her very character! And what an unusual thing to hear about a teenager...
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Bridget
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Yesterday, Regina, 4, was looking at me with that loving adoration only small children look at their mothers with. She sighed, "Mama, I can't wait till I'm a grownup mama, with long hair and flowered skirts and I'll nurse my babies too."
What we do is going to influence what they do for better or worse. That motivates me like nothing else! 
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Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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Genevieve
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This are all wonderful ideas. With regards to finding someone to emulate, we move around a lot, averaging once every year. Could anyone recommend a take-along friend? For example, I just watched Little House on the Prairie television series and was awestruck by the actress playing Ma. I honestly have never seen anyone behave like that.
Bridget, I really like your idea of smiling at my husband and children every time I see them.
I'm also wondering whether there is something around the house that can help set the mood to be gentle. For example, music, fresh flowers, smell of freshly baked bread, a long flowing skirt? Anyone else care to brainstorm with me?
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Genevieve
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Genevieve
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That is such a sweet story.
Bridget wrote:
Yesterday, Regina, 4, was looking at me with that loving adoration only small children look at their mothers with. She sighed, "Mama, I can't wait till I'm a grownup mama, with long hair and flowered skirts and I'll nurse my babies too."
What we do is going to influence what they do for better or worse. That motivates me like nothing else! |
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Genevieve
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Bridget
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The funny thing was that I was completely sleep deprived, and looked it. I don't like the flowered skirt I had on and the house was in chaos. But that little sweetheart just saw positive things.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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Marybeth
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I think Regina could teach us all. Too be happy is to just see your family--not the housecleaning, bills, yardwork, unfinished projects, etc. just to see all that God has given us and blessed us with in our lives.
I try to always keep my front entrance way cleaned and neat. I love to decorate it for different holidays. I feel if that is looking neglected and/or dirty it makes me tense to even walk in the door.
It makes me feel to calm to light some candles and bake something my family likes to eat.
Marybeth
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Mary G
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mary wrote:
| Those book suggestions are excellent. I'll add a practical note - have your kids monitor your tone of voice. I pay my boys a quarter if they catch me having a bad tone of voice. |
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Uh oh -- I'd go broke!  -- not only am I Irish, I also have Basque brashness, Polish tenacity and Slavic stubbornness ....
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Lissa
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Genevieve wrote:
| This are all wonderful ideas. With regards to finding someone to emulate, we move around a lot, averaging once every year. Could anyone recommend a take-along friend? For example, I just watched Little House on the Prairie television series and was awestruck by the actress playing Ma. I honestly have never seen anyone behave like that. |
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I have always admired her too--more so the Ma from the TV series than the Ma from Laura's actual books. In the books Ma comes off as (gasp, dare I admit this?) a little cold to me. Laura was clearly a daddy's girl and I think it shows in her writing. 
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| Bridget, I really like your idea of smiling at my husband and children every time I see them. |
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That's something else that has had a HUGE impact on me. The power of a smile, a cheerful disposition. I remember reading once about a study in which a researcher asked men of numerous countries and cultures, "What is the most important quality you look for in a wife?"--and across the board, cheerfulness was VERY high on the list. A couple of years ago it hit me pretty hard in a little epiphany that as the wife and mother in this household, the power (and therefore the responsibility) to set the tone, the mood, of our home lies with me. I was working on a talk for NACHE about Little House (here I am back to Ma Ingalls again) and I was drawing a connection between Charlotte Mason's ideas about atmosphere in the home and the unforgettably warm, loving, close, hopeful atmosphere that Laura remembered as suffusing her childhood home, even when disaster was breathing down the family's neck. It struck me, suddenly, that Charles and Caroline Ingalls must have done one heck of a job in creating a cheerful atmosphere for their family, because that is what stuck in Laura's mind for all those years, and that is what she was impelled to share with readers: this vision of enduring (one might almost say stubborn) joyfulness despite hardship.
I've been mulling on this subject ever since. It is astonishing (and humbling and sometimes alarming!) to me how much power I have to set the mood in our home. If I am cross, everyone is cross. If I am merry, everyone is lighthearted. Of course I don't always FEEL like being cheerful. At those times I pretend I'm Alice. I'm not kidding!!! But it really is amazing what an effect it has on everyone else. If I'm in the middle of getting dinner (which ALWAYS makes me cranky--I hate cooking) and Stevie is fussing and the general chaos is frazzling me to a crisp, and Scott comes upstairs from working and I shoot him a look that telegraphs "It's about time you showed up—my head is going to explode," boom, his mood alters, he feels criticized, and the stress is multiplied, and the tone of the whole evening has been set. If, on the other hand, I just plain smile at him so that my joy in his arrival is evident on my face, boom, we've got ourselves a whole different kind of night. I'm just pulling out one random example but it's a common one. I realize I've wandered from the gentleness topic but your comment about smiling really resonates with me!
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| I'm also wondering whether there is something around the house that can help set the mood to be gentle. For example, music, fresh flowers, smell of freshly baked bread, a long flowing skirt? Anyone else care to brainstorm with me? |
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This may sound silly, but you know what I like? Scented geraniums. I have five or six small plants in pots scattered around my main floor. Each one has a different scent. When I look at them, or if I brush past them and catch a whiff of the fragrance--apple, rose, lemon, mint--I think of Anne of Green Gables sitting at Marilla's table in the early days, luxuriating in the scent of "Bonny," the apple-leafed geranium. And of course grown-up Anne is another mothering role model for me. And I don't know, somehow geraniums just call up in my mind all these images from old beloved books: so many homey little scenes include "cheerful potted geraniums on the windowsill." What was I reading just the other day where I came across another reference?? Oh, I know, I think it was in David Copperfield--was it in Peggotty's kitchen? Or in Agnes Wickfield's house? Can't remember. But there they were, the happy geraniums. So they're my little personal post-it note all around the house to remind me what kind of atmosphere I want in my home. I told you it was silly!
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Genevieve
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Congratulations, Lissa and Scott!!!!!!! I am so happy for you.
I'm going to digest your nice long post and pretend I'm *you* as my children circle around me.
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Genevieve
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Lissa
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Genevieve wrote:
| I'm going to digest your nice long post and pretend I'm *you* as my children circle around me. |
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Oh dear! Then you'll have to be:
--disorganized
--impatient
--longwinded
--a haphazard cook
--a nail-biter (ugh!!)
You're much better off sticking with Ma Ingalls. 
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Lissa
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Sarah
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Genevieve-
You may have a more Choleric temperment. There's lots of good stuff written about the four temperments and overcoming their defects to attain holiness. Of course, I can't think of a source now, but I'll work on it. Or you could search the internet. I recently read that St. Alphonsus Ligouri was good for Cholerics and the Imitation of Christ also. The same author, a priest, wrote that those sources were not good for the Melancholic, but rather St. Francis de Sales.
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JennGM
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Sarah wrote:
Genevieve-
You may have a more Choleric temperment. There's lots of good stuff written about the four temperments and overcoming their defects to attain holiness. Of course, I can't think of a source now, but I'll work on it. |
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We've been having a thread on a book called Temperament God Gave You.
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Nurturing a gentle spirit
