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Willa
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| Posted: Sept 16 2005 at 10:47am | IP Logged
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I mentioned in another thread that I was moving towards a more unschooling mode with my 17 year old son. This thread
For now, I have been letting him be. I gave him some books on "college and career" type stuff but he wasn't interested and I haven't pushed it. The "problem" is that he has gone into a sort of slump and is having trouble finding things to do, which is not exactly his typical pattern. He doesn't seem depressed, but he does seem a bit irritable and at loose ends.
My intuition tells me to let him go for a bit longer, that he needs a bit more time to decompress. And I feel *I* need a bit more time letting him go, to be able to relate to him a different way -- letting him take the lead a bit more since he is basically an adult now and needs to discern and take charge of his own future.
But I just wanted to make sure I'm not missing anything -- is there anything I can do to help him get out of the doldrums, so to speak? What have you unschoolers done in this sort of circumstance, or can you give me some perspective?
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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Mary G
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| Posted: Sept 16 2005 at 11:31am | IP Logged
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Willa -- when I read Alison McKee's book, she mentioned this happened with her son at one point also. She and her husband gave him an ultimatus that he had to figure out something to focus on or they would.
He opted to study fly-fishing. Alison was a bit worried, but that was the deal. He ended up getting so into tying flies that he ended up working at camps, selling his flies to folks and built a whole mini-career around it. She ends the book by saying that he is off to cllege, but first he had to go to some convention or something and sell some flies.
Maybe if your son's doing nothing is starting to worry you, you could try this....he may be waiting for direction -- or he may be just resting between studies....
Does this help 
Blessings (and I'll keep you and your son in my prayers)
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3 boys (22, 12, 8)2 girls (20, 11)
my website that combines my schooling, hand-knits work, writing and everything else in one spot!
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Leonie
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| Posted: Sept 17 2005 at 1:03am | IP Logged
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I also tend to think of unschooling as NOT doing nothing but of activily particpating together - like when we are on holiday ( vacation).
We read, cook, play games, watch movies. Could it be that your ds needs a) more decompression time, as you suggest or b) more active unschooling time, having fun together?
Here is part of a post from a friend about the unschool fairy  -
<<<<How would you feel about putting the books away, forgetting that
curriculum ever existed and calling the next few months "vacation"?
Just go on an extended summer vacation...rent movies you love, seek
out fun places to visit in your town, take long walks and picnics,
watch the stars at night, go swimming, roast marshmallows and drink
rootbeer floats, create clay sculptures, tell jokes, play silly
games in the dark, build forts and hide in them, paint pictures,
take photos, tell stories about your childhood...in short, treat
life like it's a TREASURE, because it IS.>>>>
Leonie in Sydney
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Leonie
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| Posted: Sept 17 2005 at 3:40am | IP Logged
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Willa,
I realised that my post probably sounded "airy fairy". 
In practical terms, I guess what I was trying to say was this - if, in past years of homeschooling, you scheduled time to be with this ds - perhaps to go over schoolwork or plans for the week/day - then this time should *still be planned on. But use it for time with your ds - maybe reading together or playing a game of chess or just going for a walk and talking.
I think that the same amount of time that used to be spent in schooling should now be spent in unschooling. So, we don 't only leave them be but also invite ourselves into their lives and invite them into ours.
Is this explanation making it any clearer?
I just feel that older dc need us as much as when they were younger - and we may need to shedule this in.At least that is my take on this unschooly thing. 
Sort of scheduled unschooling! lol!
Leonie in Sydney
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Willa
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| Posted: Sept 17 2005 at 9:20am | IP Logged
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Mary and Leonie, that helps. I will put those ideas in my toolkit for future use.
One challenge is that my son is basically a loner. Well, it would be more accurate to say he's a self-starter. He gets interested in something, then asks for help in acquiring resources, then brings me (and the whole family) in on his learning. But the first part, he seems to do on his own. He has "nothing" periods and then buries himself in a subject. So I guess it's hard for me to just wait until he gets re-energized. But I don't want to seem like I'm still pushing an agenda, only covertly, if you see what I mean.
But we HAVE always had our "overview" time together and it would be a relief to both of us to have it more unschooly. It's just that I've been waiting, thinking that he needs a transition from "math, Latin, logic, German" to a different format. Maybe he's waiting too
Yesterday, after I posted, he snapped back to his "old self".... his normal energy and interaction level. So maybe he was just under the weather, or still missing his older brother who's off to college??? He's always tanked a bit when we have some major life change -- it always takes him longer to recover from an Aidan-emergency than any of my other kids, even though he's the one with the "gruffest" exterior.
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Willa
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juliecinci
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| Posted: Sept 17 2005 at 1:20pm | IP Logged
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WJFR wrote:
One challenge is that my son is basically a loner. Well, it would be more accurate to say he's a self-starter. He gets interested in something, then asks for help in acquiring resources, then brings me (and the whole family) in on his learning. But the first part, he seems to do on his own. He has "nothing" periods and then buries himself in a subject. |
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Wow! You're describing my oldest here! He has "nothing" periods too but then bursts with something new and imaginative when I least expect it.
We just sat here looking at video from what is called Parkour (like the old Par Cours but now in the urban setting where young adults climb, tumble on and run through urban settings using railings, roofs, stairwells, walls and any other fixture for gymnastic moves - sometimes called urban gymnastics). He has been looking into this for awhile and this morning found a local group. He met with them and started learning how to do this stuff.
It doesn't pay, there are no competitions but it is totally up his alley physically. And I just saw again that for the last few weeks where I didn't know what he was up to in his room, he was actually developing a whole new interest and relationships without even talking about it. Amazing.
WJFR wrote:
| So I guess it's hard for me to just wait until he gets re-energized. But I don't want to seem like I'm still pushing an agenda, only covertly, if you see what I mean. |
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This is my biggest difficulty too. I'm trying to hold back and allow for these seasons of inactivity and to trust that he will do what he wants to do as he sees it unfold. I do make suggestions, but it is interesting to me how many times my suggestions work out (usually one in five). He develops his own interests when he's left alone and they usually suit him much better.
WJFR wrote:
| But we HAVE always had our "overview" time together and it would be a relief to both of us to have it more unschooly. It's just that I've been waiting, thinking that he needs a transition from "math, Latin, logic, German" to a different format. Maybe he's waiting too |
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Yes! This is what my son told me recently. He is figuring out what he wants to do too and is waiting. But he is actively waiting, it's just not looking like what I thought it would look like.
WJFR wrote:
| Yesterday, after I posted, he snapped back to his "old self".... his normal energy and interaction level. |
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We found out through some interaction with a therapist that some teens need that quiet period of inactivity for their brains to develop hungers. Also, melancholic periods often supply momentum for creativity. Being busily and "happily" engaged is not the only profile for what it means to grow responsibly into adulthood apparently.
WJFR wrote:
| So maybe he was just under the weather, or still missing his older brother who's off to college??? |
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Or just musing and waiting.
WJFR wrote:
| He's always tanked a bit when we have some major life change -- it always takes him longer to recover from an Aidan-emergency than any of my other kids, even though he's the one with the "gruffest" exterior. |
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And also, it could just be that he is in transition for himself too. We had a college student over for dinner last night (one of my dh's students). She is very accomplished and bright, cheery and sweet. She is happy at school.
But right at the end, we offered to let her spend the night. She said, "Oh may I? The weekends are the hardest. I miss my family so much and I have so little to do. I miss being in a family."
It occurred to me right then that even when kids seem to have it together, sometimes they are just being brave about these big emotional adjustments they are going through. The transition to adulthood is alarming for everyone. And it's huge.
I'm only really realizing just how true this is. Glad my kid has a place to grow into it that is safe and supportive.
Julie
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Homeschooling five for fourteen years
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Leonie
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| Posted: Sept 17 2005 at 6:56pm | IP Logged
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Just found this quote, which I think kind of fits the 'doing nothing" thread -
From "Sabbath" by Wayne Muller.
"If certain plant species, for example, do not lie dormant for
winter, they will not bear fruit in the spring. If this continues
for more than a season, the plant begins to die. If dormancy
continues to be prevented, the entire species will die. A period of
rest--in which nutrition and fertility most readily coalesce--is not
simply a human psychological convenience; it is a spiritual, a
biological necessity. A lack of dormancy produces confusion and
erosion in the life force.
We, too, must have a period in which we lie fallow, and restore
our souls. In Sabbath time we remember to celebrate what is
beautiful and sacred: we light candles, sing songs, tell stories,
eat, nap, and make love. It is a time to let our work, our lands,
our animals lie fallow, to be nourished and refreshed. Within this
sanctuary, we become avaible to the insights and blessings of deep
mindfulness that arise only in stillness and time. When we act from
a place of deep rest, we are more capable of cultivating what the
Buddhists would call right understanding, right action, and right
effort."
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Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
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Cindy
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Love that quote, Leonie. Thanks for posting.. it is goingin my journal!
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4Real Forums : High School Years and Beyond
Topic: Doing Nothing (from Unschooling)
