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Lorraine
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| Posted: Sept 24 2007 at 10:55pm | IP Logged
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It's been 3 weeks into our first year of homeschooling and thankfully it's been going pretty smoothly, at least for me. There is a big issue though - My 4.5 yo DD tells me that she wants to go back to her old school (she was in a Montessori school for 2 years; I was still a working mom then.) For the first week or so, she didn't have this problem. But since then, I think the "novelty" has worn off. Then when people she meets ask whether she likes homeschooling, she would say "OK, but I want to go back to my old school." So now, she tells me the same thing daily. She says that it's not that she doesn't like me teaching her, but that she misses her teacher and her friends. She says it was good to work together with them, and now there's nobody to work with because her brother is too young (2.5) and it's "boring" to just work with me sometimes. I really don't have an answer for her 
Perhaps I'm not providing enough for her "social" needs? I have enrolled her into a few extra-curricular activities, including CGS and Gym classes, but some of them will not begin until early October. But I'm sensing that she wants company during school time. Would having kids around after school help? So far, she hasn't refused to be "doing work" with me every day, but I'm really worried that soon she will start protesting if she feels more and more "bored." 
I don't want to give up, but the thought of sending her back, perhaps just for half a day, has crossed my mind... yet I'm really finding this enjoyable and rewarding for myself... am I being selfish? Maybe she is better off at school? 
Sorry this is long. Thanks for listening and any advices.
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Lorraine, mom to dd (12/02), ds (11/04) and ds (06/08)
Small Things with Great Love
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UK Mum
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Lorraine, no advice im afraid, just bumping this for you...btw, I too have a 4.5 yr old dd & A 2 yr old dd
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CKwasniewski
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Lorraine,
I think part of it may just be that you need to wait for her to adjust to the new situation. (I might even say detox... but a Montessori school is not toxic!  ) 4.5 does NOT need a lot of social stimulation, but it may take a while for HER to get to that.
What you describe sounds like "withdrawal" symptoms, kind of like too much coffee. If she was in a school room for 2 years, then I'd give her two months to adjust.
When she is ready, help her to work and play independently. She will find her own identity apart from a social scene. Make sure she has plenty of options for play and "work", and let her choose.
Two other activities are plenty!
Have you read any of the Moore's books (e.g., Better Late than early)? They really show why little ones do better at home.
hth
ck
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Cici
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Welll...My dd 5.5 has never been to preschool. I worked until ds (middle child) was born - dd was 2.5 at that point. At first, she said she missed her daycare friends.
Now, the two of them 5.5 and just turned 3, respectively, are THE BEST of friends. And play well together all day. They have played well together for quite some time, too. She - the bossy director - and he, the happy go lucker partaker. As he gets older, I do notice him asserting himself more as to which direction the play should take. I try to stay out of it and the two of them seem to be managing quite well.
I have heard a mother of 5 say, too, that one of the joys of HS her children is the "familiness" - that her children have remained close.
I have a tendency to babble...what I'm trying to say here, is that maybe it will just take some time for your dd to settle in a bit and rekindle that friendship with her sibling.
You know, too, sometimes those little 4.5 year olds can be so tricky! My daugher will (and did at 4.5 too) often throw out the "I'm bored" or something similar just to get a reaction
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Leonie
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Perhaps listen to her concerns, so she feels affirmed. And, at other times, point out all the fun things you do because of homeschooling - freedom to spontaneously drop the schedule and go to the park or out for ice cream, for example!
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Leonie in Sydney
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PDyer
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CKwasniewski wrote:
| I think part of it may just be that you need to wait for her to adjust to the new situation. |
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We're in the midst of a similar adjustment. My daughter went to Montessori preschool for a half day, every day, last year. First, at school she developed definite ideas what a 'school day' should look like. I've tried to implement some of those ideas to give her the sameness she seems to need, and I've also played up the flexibility of homeschooling, like Leonie suggests.
Second, at home there are far fewer available attention givers, compared to Montessori school. At school there was always someone to talk to; at home, however, the people available for talking may need to talk to each other periodically and my little talker may need to wait.  . That's part of being born to a small family...but it is an adjustment for her and it's taking some time.
It's getting better, though, as the days go by. She has swim team and ballet to look forward to in the evening now, and I think those outlets have helped her too.
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Patty
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Devoted
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Have you considered inviting a few stuffed animal and invisible friends to school? I have an only child and it can sometimes get lonely. Sometimes we invite a doll or animal or invisible friend. Yes, I do call on the visitor for answers, et c. We certainly don't do it everyday but once in a while. You might give that a shot.
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Lorraine
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I just wanted to say thanks ladies for your support and tips. I was off the forum for a while (both kids have been sick) and didn't get a chance to check in.
DD is still adjusting, I guess, and I'll have to be patient. She does play well with her brother, but they don't work together too much since they are at different levels. We've talked about it, and she always says that she loves me but she misses working with her friends. And when I do point out the good/fun things about homeschooling, she would agree, but throw the same line back at me. I honestly don't think she's doing it to get a reaction. I think she's sincere and that's why I feel helpless and torn. Are there kids that are more "suitable" for school? Maybe she's one of those kids?
Perhaps I should leave the topic alone for a while and hope it doesn't pop up (wishful thinking  )? It just bugs me that whenever anyone asks her whether she goes to school, she replies "I go to homeschool but I want to go back to my old school." Honestly, I just feel so bad because I feel like I've given a "bad rep" to homeschooling
Thanks ladies!
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Blessings,
Lorraine, mom to dd (12/02), ds (11/04) and ds (06/08)
Small Things with Great Love
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5athome
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Lorraine
Have you tried talking with her about her answer? You might consider telling her that her answer might be inappropriate or disrespectful to mommy.
For instance, if people asked her if she has brothers or sisters and she consistently responded I have a brother but I wish I was an only child, I don't think it would be wrong to discuss with her being thankful for what she does have. Similarly perhaps you can get her to focus on what is good about homeschooling.
Margaret
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ds '93, dd '96, ds '99,
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Barbara C.
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I get the impression that your daughter was really in a Montesorri daycare/school, every day all year round. It wasn't like regular school where the kid has summer break to adjust to not going back.
You daughter is just used to being entertained by others every minute of the day. I really believe that it is important for children to learn that they can not expect that and to learn how to entertain themselves. I think this "entertainment" syndrome is why so many people are so scared to be alone with their own thoughts and must have a cell phone glued to their ear at all times.
And I think all 4-year-olds have this "boring" complex. I don't see any reason why she can't learn to play and work with her little brother, though. My kids are almost five and just turned two. They play together all the time. You just may have to encourage activities at the younger ones level and explain to your daughter that she is one of her brother's teachers. (Lord knows my younger one has learned a ton from her big sister.)
My kids play ring-around-the-rosie and hide and seek. Sometimes they build together with blocks or cook in the toy kitchen. Other times they run around playing tag, jumping on the beds together, or giving each other horsie rides. Sometimes the older one will grab a book (like Richard Scarey ones) and "read" it to her little sister. They also love for me to put on music (ballet, Beatles, or Wiggles) while they dance or we play freeze dance.
Or I'll make some home-made playdough for them to each work with. I've also been trying to incorporate some Montessori activities for both of them. I found this website particularly helpful for adapting activities with stuff I have in the house or can get at the dollar store:
http://www.montessorimom.com/toddler-scope-and-sequence-less on-ideas-practical-/
Good luck!!
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Barbara
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Stephanie_Q
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Lorraine wrote:
Are there kids that are more "suitable" for school? Maybe she's one of those kids?
It just bugs me that whenever anyone asks her whether she goes to school, she replies "I go to homeschool but I want to go back to my old school." Honestly, I just feel so bad because I feel like I've given a "bad rep" to homeschooling
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I have been asking the same question since before I started. I loved school. I excelled there and loved all the friends that I made there. My 5yo really wants to go to school. She enjoys being at home and playing with her 4yo sister, 2/5 yo brother, and helping take care of her baby brother. However, we only know 1 homeschooling family, locally. Everyone else we know goes to pre-school, there are many "school" references in books and on the little bit of TV we watch, but mostly her 11 and 12yo aunt and uncle (adopted) go to school. Her aunt (special needs) has always gone to public school, her uncle was homeschooled until his dad passed away 2 years ago and now goes to Catholic school. In talking to her, wanting to go to school like her aunt is probably her biggest influence. It is hurtful and embarrassing when she tells others she wants to go to school.
My mom is not supportive of homeschooling and as an education major and former teacher, she has pointed out "deficiencies" of homeschooling including, but not limited to, the way that children learn from each other's questions, observing how they solve problems, etc. I see how my younger kids are benefiting from learning in their older siblings footsteps, but is it fair to the oldest? How do you provide this kind of interaction for the oldest, or are they supposed to learn from their younger siblings? I am also wondering if, due to different personalities and learning styles, there are kids who might do better in a school setting. Besides the recommended Moore's books, are there any other resources that talk about this?
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Barbara C.
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There may be some kids who excel in a school environment but you have to wonder if they really are learning the "right" things. Right now I'm reading "And What About College?" by Caffi Cohen. She talks about how only 10% of kids really thrive doing "school-at-home", and how her kids excelled in school because they learned how to play the game (do their work, not make trouble) but she wasn't always sure that they had really learned what they had received an "A" in.
And school is often glamorized for little ones (circle time, activities, friends). They don't talk about all of the wait time there is, the discipline problems, or just the fact that you can't go to the bathroom without asking permission or eat until they say you can. Or that you have to study something whether you already know it or care about it.
And you really have to wonder how much kids in the school environment learn from each other's questions. Most lessons in school really aren't discussion based. They are arranged with only one correct answer which the teacher fishes for. And kids are discouraged from observing how the others solve problems. That's called cheating: "eyes on your own paper please".
Younger kids certainly pick up a lot of academic knowledge from their older siblings. But older siblings may have the edge on learning valuable life lessons, like patience and understanding. And when I tell my daughter that she is one of her big sister's teachers, it is not to put undue burden on her or to pay her lip service. I believe that it inspires her to share her knowledge and be more helpful, and by doing so with her younger sister it reinforces the learning lessons for her. And as her younger sister gets older she'll start asking more thought-provoking questions that may not have occurred to big sister. Right now that's my job.
I recently read "Montessori: A Modern Approach" and the author discussed how when her daughter was in the first class of a new Montessori school the teacher was always concerned that it wasn't working right. The author didn't understand this until a few years later until she saw how important it was for the interaction between older and younger students for both age groups.
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Barbara
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Bookswithtea
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Barbara C. wrote:
And school is often glamorized for little ones (circle time, activities, friends). They don't talk about all of the wait time there is, the discipline problems, or just the fact that you can't go to the bathroom without asking permission or eat until they say you can. Or that you have to study something whether you already know it or care about it. |
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I forgot until I read this, but on the advice of a more seasoned homeschooler, I took many opportunities to comment on this sort of thing with my first child...
"Oh look...those kids on the playground have to ask permission just to pee!"
"Barney makes school look fun, but really its a lot of waiting in line and doing things their way even when you have a better idea..."
"Look! Here it is at 11am and we are already done for the day and going to the park. Those kids are going to be at desks for hours yet..."
She was at a better school than average, so its going to be a harder sell, but I agree with everyone else. Take a firm but positive approach (and don't let her see that you are feeling badly about it all), point out all the positives, and comment briefly and then change the subject when she brings it up.
It definitely sounds like withdrawals to me...
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~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and due 9/10
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SuzanneG
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Cici wrote:
I have heard a mother of 5 say, too, that one of the joys of HS her children is the "familiness" - that her children have remained close. |
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I love this word...."familiness".
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Suzanne in ID
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SallyT
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It took my oldest, who was 9 when we started homeschooling, the better part of a year to adjust. She has always been a child who handled transitions with difficulty, and for the first year, when well-intentioned people would ask where she went to school, she would hang her head glumly and say, "I'm HOMEschooled." One lady in a museum asked her this one time, got that answer, then looked at me and said, "Well, she doesn't seem very happy about it, does she?"
That same child today is very happy to be homeschooled. It helped to develop a network of homeschooling friends who gradually but naturally began to "edge out" her old school friends in her mind (it also helped that her old school friends were in England, and we were now in Memphis, TN). I think that probably finding people to go to the park with and just hang out for a morning is a more valuable way to connect and make friends than simply being in activities. I found that most of the time the "activity" friends, from ballet or soccer or whatever, tended not to transition into "invite over to play" friends, whereas homeschooled kids whose moms became my friends now practically live in our house, and vice versa.
I also think it's very valuable for older and firstborn children to play with and care for younger siblings. The younger children are a gift to them, not an invasion of their space on the throne -- though sometimes they need help learning and remembering that! When our third child was born, both the older kids were in school all day, and they hardly saw him. One of the great attractions of homeschooling for me was that my older and younger sets of children would not have to lead entirely separate lives, as they inevitably would have done otherwise. I do have distinct sets -- a 13 and 9yo, and a 5 and 3yo -- and the youngers are totally inseparable from each other, but the olders play with them a good bit, totally voluntarily. My oldest also babysits a good deal for her younger siblings -- she has certain privileges as a teenager and the firstborn, but we have always emphasized that privilege goes hand-in-hand with responsibility. That's not unfair, it's just a life lesson which an oldest child is providentially positioned to learn. (from time to time I thank her by taking her to the used bookstore near our house and loading her up with new books to read -- she thinks that's a good deal. And her "real" babysitting clients pay her really well, because she's patient with their little kids!)
When the olders were 5 and not-quite-2, we moved to England, where we knew nobody at first, and they HAD to be each other's best friends. They still get along pretty well, and have one best friend in common who happens to be right between their ages (a girl, almost 12, whom I keep after her school while her mom works, so she's kind of like a part-time sibling). Age difference really does not have to be a deterrent in playing together -- I don't think it ever occurred to me that mine wouldn't be able to relate to each other.
Of course I'm not you, and I don't know your kids, but my instinct would be to turn a deaf ear -- well, not a deaf ear, but one that listens while not taking it all too personally or getting too wrapped up in whether or not a given child is "happy." If you worry a lot about whether they're "happy," then they'll put on a lot of "unhappy," because that sucks you into their orbit. I know, because I've done precisely that, with precisely that result. My kids have gotten on better when I've had the presence of mind to say cheerfully, "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is what we're doing, and you just have to trust me that it's a good thing." That gets easier as you gain confidence that what you're doing really IS a good thing -- it's very hard at first, when you feel unsure.
Hang in there! These things do take time.
Sally
PS -- I love what Books said about pointing out other kids on the playground. Nothing has made my kids NOT want to go to school like hearing their "part-time sibling" describe her school day. She eats lunch at 10:15 in the morning, so is ravenous when we pick her up, and usually is also dying to go to the bathroom, because one teacher forgets to give a bathroom break, then the next teacher won't let them go, and so on through the end of the day. No thanks, say my kids. They just wish she could homeschool with us.
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Lorraine
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Thanks so much for all your support and advices! I'll give it more time, try to point out more fun/good things, and be more firm in my reply when she brings it up.
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Blessings,
Lorraine, mom to dd (12/02), ds (11/04) and ds (06/08)
Small Things with Great Love
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TracyQ
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Lorraine,
Why are you homeschooling? Have you thought about this in terms of your calling to homeschool? If God is leading you to do it, and you're following that lead, then He'll also help you to help to make your daughter understand that while you understand why she wants to go back to school, and that you care about how she feels, that her education is mom and dad's decision, and that you feel that God wants you to homeschool, so that she needs to trust your decision because you know both know what's best for her, because God loves her, and you both love her, and want to do what's best for her.
For us, academics was the least of our decision to homeschool our children when we began 13 years ago. God called us in no uncertain terms to humbly submit to His will, and to homeschool our children, even though even *I* didn't necessarily agree with it when we started homeschooling. Throughout these 13 years of homeschooling, He has revealed little by little *why* He called us to home eduate our children, but at that time, I had no idea why, I just said yes in obedience. We couldn't see the future, or what would be for our children, particularly when things were easier and sweeter in their younger years. So when He did call us to homeschool, we trusted that He knew better than we did, because He knows all things, past, present, and future, that we couldn't possibly know. That was definitely the case in so many ways!
Homeschooling our children is an extremely difficult journey. It's not for the faint of heart to be sure!! I always tell my kids that we listen to their concerns, and care about their feelings, and we do use their feelings and concerns in our decisions, but that we have to make our final decisions based on how the Holy Spirit leads us. We tell them that in the end, we have to stand before the Lord and answer for the whys of our decisions as their parents, and if we didn't listen to Him, then we have to answer for that, and that won't be pleasant. Somehow, they've come to understand and respect that and have questioned our parenting much less through the years when reminded of that, thankfully.
I've lifted your situation in prayer, so that the Lord will make it very clear to you and your husband what His will is for your family, and that He will give you His peace in whatever decision you make. 
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Blessings and Peace,
Tracy Q.
wife of Marty for 20 years, mom of 3 wonderful children (1 homeschool graduate, 1 12th grader, and a 9th grader),
homeschooling in 15th year in Buffalo, NY
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melanie
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We have had this issue with both of my older ones. They both went to school for a year (kinder) and missed friends they had made there. It passes, it really does.
My one advice to help the transition is to look for play time with other kids....by this I don't mean classes necessarily, but joining other homeschoolers for park days/play days. Let her make a good homeschooling buddy or two. Sounds a bit manipulative  but once my kids had favorite friends/activities that they knew they wouldn't get to do if they went back to school the problem was solved. And don't be afraid to seek out homeschooling groups just because she's still preschool aged. Lots of families start seeking groups when their kids are still tiny.
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Melanie
homeschooling Maria (13yo), Kain (10yo), Jack (5yo), Tess (2yo), and our newest blessing, Henry Robert, born 4/23!
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4Real Forums : Living Learning
Topic: What can I do for her?
