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Lorraine
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I've noticed more and more that my dd is a perfectionist/idealist. She gets upset at herself for not doing something to her own "expectation." If she's trying to cut a straight line with scissors, she gets upset that it's not straight enough. If she's trying to draw a fish, she gets upset that it doesn't look like a fish. If I ask her to tell me a story (not narration, but just tell it by looking at pictures), she gets upset that she cannot find the words.
If I comment that I think it is good enough and she's done a great job, she tells me that I'm wrong because she doesn't think it's a good job. Sometimes, I tell her that she'll get better with practice. Then, of course, she tries again right away and it still isn't "up to her standard" so she gets even more upset and gives up.
My heart breaks seeing how she gets so upset with herself more and more often now - I really hope this isn't going to affect her self esteem. What should I do to help her?
(Note to Meredith - Sorry I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this topic; Please move to another forum if you think it's more appropriate.)
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Lorraine, mom to dd (12/02), ds (11/04) and ds (06/08)
Small Things with Great Love
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AndreaG
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My oldest is a perfectionist- and always has been. I recently read that perfectionistic tendencies are also a developmental stage that happens around age 5-7 as the child is finding their place in the bigger world and starting to become self-evaluative/competitive. I was relieved b/c my 5.5 year-old has started to act the same way, as my oldest is learning to cope with it (and not throw fits!) Good to know it is a somewhat normal stage.
I try to talk alot about how it is normal (though frustrating!) to not be satisfied with your work (great artists are never satisfied and their works hang in museums) and to stress perserverence and "practice makes perfect". I talk a lot about how childhood is a time to make mistakes and learn from them. And some really challenging activities I save for a later time! Before we even start an activity I will issue reminders that "you might get frustrated if this doesn't turn out, but it is not ok to scream and throw things or say things like 'I'm no good'" Then I give acceptable alternatives (taking time out in your room, voicing frustration respecfully, telling yourself 'I made a mistake but that is ok' etc). I praise successful efforts (in handling frustration- not cutting straight lines!) and in fact try to make that the focus. I'm not sure I am coming across corrrectly- this is all done in a loving way so as not to make the child feel like they have made another mistake! Sorry to go on and on- I'd love to hear more suggestions this b/c it is definitely an issue here!
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Andrea
GrayFamilyCircus
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earthmaven
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Same issues in our household, and I think there really is a strong developmental component to this. Like Andrea, we've (sort of) come out the other side with our 7 yo and are just now entering it with the 4 yo! And cutting the head off a treasured drawing seems to be the action most likely to precipitate floods of angry tears.
For us, the most successful approach was for them to see how I handle my own mistakes. I started being really careful of how I reacted to my own goof-ups, but sort of subtly. I'd work alongside them on a project, and when I'd make a mistake, I'd mutter to myself something like "I can do this, I'm just going to have to try again." Or "Wow, I'm having trouble with this. Maybe I'll make a cup of tea and come back to it later. Anyone want one with me?" Whatever it was, I'd just be seen talking myself through it and telling myself not to get too frustrated. And I did notice the girls start doing the same!
We also had some success with "transforming" drawings, paintings, etc. by me showing them possibilities for turning their mistake into something else. Then we call it our "Happy Accident". Or we've cut out a piece of matching paper, glued it over the offending area, and then helped them try again.
We've also talked about feelings, and how when you get really angry and start screaming and crying, you can't think straight and things just get worse and worse, so it's best to try to take a deep breath and think themselves through solutions.
I've seen these efforts make a big difference for us. Both girls now seem to see that mistakes can hold possibilities, that everybody goofs up now and again, and that if you try to stay calm, you might really surprise yourself with how things turn out! The best part: the 7 yo now coaches her sister using the same methods I used with her!
Tracy
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happymama
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A book that has been exceedingly helpful on this topic is The Temperament God Gave You. It discusses temperament combinations in marriage and between parents and children with great suggestions on dealing with differences. Perfectionism is usually seen most in a melancholic temperament, and can be used in a positive way when the focus is on making moral decisions!
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montessori_lori
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Hi, perfectionist mom of two perfectionistic kids here! Oy, what a household we have. I love to emphasize when I make mistakes (I often say "silly mommy!" which my kids love) and sing the "Everyone makes mistakes so why can't you" song from Sesame Street.
Once my son got old enough to be able to talk about it, we've had several good discussions about not always expecting things to be perfect - and how a skill won't always be mastered the first time, which is really where he struggles.
I've been learning a difficult piece on the piano, and the kids have seen me slog through it over and over again. I've mentioned several times that I have to practice, too - things don't just come naturally.
With my daughter, we are still at the stage where one stray mark on a picture or painting can mean tears and tantrums. We've talked about it some, but that also goes away naturally as kids get older and can deal better with disappointment.
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earthmaven
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We used to call our daughter "Little Mhari Two-Tries", and said that her motto was "if at first you don't succeed, try freaking out."
'Didn't say it to her face though (does that redeem me as a mother?) 
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Land O' Cotton
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I am noticing a decrease in the "frustration titer" as my dgs gets older. He still has episodes of yelling and crying if things don't go the right way the first or second time around though.
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Vicki
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cfa83
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I have *always* nipped perfection in the bud by a few simple words..."Are you God?" It's not as harsh as it sounds but it does make a point to my kids the first and only time I would see it arise in them. They know only God is perfect, the rest of us are mere mortals...
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cathhomeschool
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I do think that it might be a stage. I've never read that anywhere, but like Andrea and Tracy, I had one that went through that and is now "over it" at age 6. He didn't want to try unless he knew that he could draw/color it right, and he got frustrated if he couldn't do what he envisioned. I helped him by talking him through (all the things you ladies have said already) and also by providing erasable crayons/colored pencils, white out, and cutting out small paper to glue over a mistake (as Tracy said). He is not a perfectionist by nature, so I think that it was just a phase. Now *I* on the other hand, *am* a perfectionist by nature. I never remember throwing tantrums or getting upset if something didn't come out just right. I just got upset if I hadn't tried my best. Perfectionism as a *personality* isn't any worse than any other "flaw" (I've come to accept this finally!). It just has to be put into perspective and guided towards a Godly end. It might help an older child to remember that he must do his best to serve God and love God, and in that way be "perfect" in as much as any person can be -- in loving God with all his heart and serving Him too -- and to be gentle with himself when he fails in those goals, because we are all human. No one is perfect.
I am not big on the standard personality type definitions, but really find the Enneagram (9 types) to be insightful.
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Ouiz
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Thank you for all the good ideas posted here!
I am sitting here close to tears after another long day with my perfectionist dd (8). She is just like me -- which frustrates me to no end!  -- and it upsets me that I can't handle her the way my mom handled me.
Perhaps when I'm less emotional, I'll be able to come up with ways to implement some of these good ideas into our day.
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Ouiz
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Chez Ouiz
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Land O' Cotton
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Oh Ouiz, bless your heart! Here's a hug for you  ! I know that feeling all too well. Hang in there, girl!
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Vicki
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Mari
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Perfectionists - they will try and try to get it right... I think that shows you are a precious Mom blessed with a dd who is striving to do her best.
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Mari, mother of 2 loving daughters aged 8 and 10
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cfa83
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Just another note of encouragement...I do explain to my children when they are frustrated with themselves or disappointed that only God truly is perfect. I have a heart to heart with them concerning this. After I know they understand spiritually what I mean, then the next time it happens (usually once, maybe twice) the joke will come in..."I'm sorry, is your name God? I thought it was...". They smile and we cuddle. They seem more at ease with themselves afterwards. They know they are called to do their best, not be perfect.
I know this a great forum for encouragement. It has helped me!
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Stephanie_Q
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Thank you! I'm seeing perfectionist tendencies in both of my girls and I've been wondering how to best handle them.
montessori_lori wrote:
Hi, perfectionist mom of two perfectionistic kids here! Oy, what a household we have. I love to emphasize when I make mistakes (I often say "silly mommy!" which my kids love) and sing the "Everyone makes mistakes so why can't you" song from Sesame Street.
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I can't tell you how many times I sing that song a day....:) "How To Profit From Your Faults" by Joseph Tissot was given to me by a perfectionist priest and might be helpful to other perfectionist moms. It's short and based on the writings of St. Francis de Sales.
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humanaevitae
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I personally struggle with this as well. As a child and even now I struggle with trying new things. I know that I can never measure up to how I want to be so I don't even try. Unfortunately as a child I limited myself in sports and other hobbies as I couldn't bear my own personal disappointment.
With my children, I try to start them with sports and hobbies at a young age and force them to work through their disappointment. We emphasize reaching workable goals. (being able to play a certain piano piece, making a basket, drawing a chicken...) For my perfectionistic kids I heavily emphasize the importance of completing a task and not to get so caught up on the details or even the end result. (Obviously there are other children who do need a heavy emphasis on paying attention to the end result as they just rush to get done!)
I also give honest praise that tends to praise the effort and not the result. I remember my mom trying to encourage me by complimenting my drawing. I was not happy with how it turned out and really didn't believe her compliment. In my childrens' cases I ask them if they are especially happy with a certain part of the drawing (maybe the beak is drawn well) and also praise their perseverance and patience.
We also read a lot about different inventors and how one needs to make mistakes in order to learn.
Like a pp, I also like the book How To Profit From Your Faults
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jugglingpaynes
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I've had this with my 14yo dd. She takes after me. Certain subjects, math for example, have always been a struggle. When I introduce a new concept she becomes frustrated if she doesn't understand right away.
This even happens when she does something she likes! She just finished 3 weeks of a teen internship at the zoo. She really wanted to do it, but she was panicked that she wouldn't do it well. Being action oriented, once she started it, she was fine. If I let her, she has the ability to talk herself out of doing something fun simply because she never did it before!
I think part of the perfectionist nature comes from not wanting to draw attention to herself. I've already made her different by homeschooling, she doesn't want anyone to see her make a mistake and cause her to be even more different. Funny thing though, people are drawn to her like moths to a light.
With my daughter, I try to pull her out of her comfort zone for a while and then allow her to return to something she finds easy. And then I remind her that she once had to learn and practice the skills that she does so well.
Peace and Laughter,
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MarilynW
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Thanks for all the ideas. One of my 8yod ds is a perfectionist and he cries and tears up his paper if he makes a mistake, is upset if he gets anything wrong in Math etc. Also takes really long trying to do it perfectly. (His twin is the very opposite!!) I have to walk a very fine line between making sure work is done well versus perfect. Also I have to be careful of criticism for him only - I love the CM philosophy of few things done excellently - but have to pray for wisdom on how to handle anything not done well by this ds.
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montessori_lori
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I like talking to kids about this trait when we are not locked in battle. It can help them if you talk about what perfectionism is and what the pros and cons are of it.
Also, you can have them set some sort of guidelines (they are only allowed to re-do work once, or that type of thing) and have them decide the consequence if they overreact to mistakes.
I was such a perfectionist growing up that if I tried something and didn't "get" it right away, I never did it again. Luckily I could "get" most stuff quickly, but there were certain things I missed out on and I regret it now.
I hope, somehow, to pass these lessons on to my kids so that they don't make the same mistakes I did, but they will probably have to learn them themselves through real life experience. Still, we talk all the time about working hard at something until you master it, and why that's important.
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Lorraine
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Thanks everyone for your support and advices. I guess I'm a perfectionist as well, so I have to learn not to be too uptight when I make a mistake.
We just started our first ever "school day" today and I put a couple of those tips to use and it turned out OK - there was just a bit of venting, but no tears 
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Blessings,
Lorraine, mom to dd (12/02), ds (11/04) and ds (06/08)
Small Things with Great Love
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4Real Forums : Living Learning
Topic: How to guide perfectionist?
