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Martha
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| Posted: May 15 2007 at 10:42am | IP Logged
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 How do you avoid this?
How do you stop it in progress?
How do you treat afterwards?
We started off great this morning.
Straight to the yard to play with puppy, breakfast, a story while nursing, a little more play with puppy, then I explained the rest of the day.
Do some homework (their choice) before leaving to buy some dog needs, then onto the park to play with friends and puppy.
What ensued within 10 minutes was ... not pretty.
DD screaming that siren like whine at the top of her lungs that she didn't waaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnntttttttttt toooooooo.
DS melting into the floor with a uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh
oldest ds12 starts screaming at ME that he can't find his spelling book, well it's only ever in one of 3 spaces (his cube, my desk, or the dining room table) so I tell him to go look for it, he looks under the sofa, behind the tv, in the frig  I tell him to put some thought into it please, he screams at me he can't find it, he screams people should leave his stuff alone, he screams he doesn't understand, I scream to be heard over all the other noise int he house, he should look somewhere other than under the stupid sofa!, puppy barks, ds7 cries, dd and other ds whine louder so as not to be left out, other sons go fishing for frogs in pond....
I tell you these out of the blue moments kill me. I dislike loud noise in general and screaming in particuliar, I hate arguing. The combination of all the above completely unnerves me. And I don't react well to it.
Am I the only one? If others have these problems, I would be very interested in what strategy you use to nip it or regroup afterwards. Heavens knows what the neighbors think, but it isn't always like this. MOST of the time, we are very much happy in each others company. I will spank if neccessary, but rarely and think 12ds is getting a bit old for it.
I finally screamed I couldn't take this and screamed at everyone to go outside that very second. We sat down in the grass and took some deep breathes and agreed we all hate these events and were sorry for it and would work harder at using nice voices and words.
Normally I try just sending them to their room, ignoring it, and so forth... no big deal. But when my oldest is worse than all the others combined and catches me at a moment of weakness... neither of us cope well.
I've nearly deleted this post twice. Please be gentle and remember I'm asking for coping strategies. I'm fairly good at beating myself up. 
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Martha
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Celeste
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| Posted: May 15 2007 at 10:52am | IP Logged
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Eagerly awaiting wisdom, as I am having a similarly awful morning--although, Martha, it sounds like you had a good conclusion. Over here there's no end in sight.
Celeste
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msclavel
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| Posted: May 15 2007 at 11:19am | IP Logged
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Martha, sounds like my morning. I was so pleased when everyone got to working on math with little problems or complaining...and then my 6 yo dd struck...well, we got back on track and everyone is quietly eating lunch but I feel wretched  and still wondering if I can really keep schooling all these children in the next few years.
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ShawnaB
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Oh Martha, I'm so sorry, and I too relateto the high noise level and screaming as "unnerving." I, who am not by nature a screamer, have been known to scream to get above the din. And a firm, painful knot develops in my left shoulder...my tension knot!
Your solution to go out side, breath and talk sounded very, very good. (I think I should send myself outside at times, fOr just this reason!) Just a couple questions...Do the dc typically resist starting their schoolwork? Does there seem to be anything in particular that brings on the meltdowns? Are they usually pretty obedient and respectful, or is there general lack of obedience/disrepect at a lower level on a daily basis? I'm just wondering what might be behind and leading up to the scence you describe.
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Maryan
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Oh Martha -- it sounds like you handled a melt down well. I would imagine that different temperaments of kids and moms are more prone than others to loud meltdowns. I'm a yeller. So I always compound problems (it's so hard to see weaknesses in full color every day!)
I do the same as you -send kids to room (with a book on tape) In warm weather -- I send them outside to play with the hose.
All of those are usually sent with "I've had enough.." 
It sounds like you had a good resolution. Personally, I think moments of weaknesses teach kids and us how to apologize... and that life and we aren't always perfect. And discussions for how to control our temper! So it seems like you turned it into a teaching moment too!!
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Maryan
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KerryK
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While I'm sure you would prefer it had never happened at all, I think how you ultimately handled it was great. Going outside can really break the tension. Having worked as a teacher, I know that transition times are tough for a lot of kids, particularly when the transition involves going from something fun (playing with puppy) to something less fun (homework). Other kids are not bothered by these transitions at all. In our house, we have one who has a hard time with transitions and one who does not (the jury is still out on the baby). For my DS, it is always better to just do the work and get it out of the way - then I don't need to transition him from something fun to doing math. This is much harder for him, and takes a lot longer all around. It's hard when you're dealing with different personalities. As a teacher, I always relied on organization and consistency to help me with the "crowd control".
I don't like a lot of noise, either. Sometimes I find that if I remove myself from the room and take a few deep breaths for a couple of minutes it helps me stay in control.
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lapazfarm
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Oh, you poor thing! That sounds miserable!
Tell me, how is dh at handling discipline with the 12 yo boy? My first reaction upon reading that a 12yo boy is yelling at mom was that dh needs to deal with that and firmly. You are right that he is too old for spanking (IMHO), so he is old enough to be responsible for his actions. It may be best if dh takes him in hand and explains to him the ways of the world, so to speak, as in "don't you ever speak to my wife that way again, young man!"
As for the littles, perhaps, as Shawna suggests, doing some sleuthing as to the cause/triggers for the meltdowns may prove fruitful. For some it is just that they need lots of prep before changing gears from play to work. For some it may be diet or other external factors, time of day, lack of sleep, etc.
I think what you did by going outside and removing everyone from the situation was good. We can make pretty poor decisions in the heat of the moment, so a little distance is always a good thing. As long as the kids don't see it as a nifty way to get out of doing their work, as in "get Mom angry enough and she will give up and let us go outside and play".
Lots of rewards for prompt obedience. Lots of pre-teaching, as in "We will be starting our lessons inside soon. When I call you, I would love to see you go in with a cheerful attitude. It makes life so much more fun. Can you try that for Mommy?"
Well, I hope that helps some. You are definitely not alone.
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Martha
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| Posted: May 15 2007 at 12:26pm | IP Logged
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This is the hardest part, because it often seems "out of the blue"
They are normally fairly well behaved kids. I think anyhow. Guess I could be colored in my view as their mother? They usually never resist doing the homework. Oh there's the minor, "ug can't I do abc instead of xyz." or a "it's hard!", but rarely any active dislike of it. DD6 and ds12 were having a blowout over their favorite subjects! And I do understand the need for transition time. That's why I settled them down for minute and explain how the day was going to go.
It's like watching a car about to wreck, you know? You can not NOT watch and you can't think of anything to do to stop it and there's a nauseated feeling afterward.
But I think this can be prevented and feel terrible that I didn't have a solution to nip it before the explosion.
My oldest has always had issues with listening to anyone and slowing down to think calmly. Instead of listening to me, he lets his emotions take over and then everything spirals downhill from there. It's like the calmer I try to be the more aggitated he becomes rather than the better. It's almost like I can't reach him without yelling?
Dh has ZERO tolorance for anyone speaking to me that way, and certainly not the kids. He has spoken to them about this not being acceptable and not the conduct of a loving or responsible young man. DS12 says he feels like there is something wrong with himself because he just can't do better and he is trying. We've gone out of our way to have kind discussions while still being clear. DS12 is the only who seems to feel this way and I think the other kids are reacted to the atmosphere of DS12. It is very rare that they are the first to act out.
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Martha
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mom2mpr
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Martha,
Sounds like a lot of my mornings--I am talking 90%!! And I am working on analyzing that :) Not this am though--thank goodness. But, I think that was because we weren't rushed and going somewhere. I have come to the conclusion as hard as it is, I try(I said try, mind you  ) to do only one, maybe 2 errands at a time. They seem to like their play time and peace at home. Maybe they were overwhelmed with the plans for the day--and had other plans? I am going moment to moment here with me setting the priorities--seems to work when we focus on one thing at a time--though I wouldn't say we are efficient.
Starting schoowork led to craziness for about 15 minutes this am, ds (9)lying on the ground whining and moaning, but dd(4) was begging for school--so he looked quite ridiculous. So, while it wasn't perfect, it was better. Oh, and since we are late risers and slow to get going(how I would love to hit the ground running in the am  )I am trying to go with the tone and rhythm of the kids--as much as it is so not me!!
So, in summary maybe present one thing at a time? If they want the big picture, go to step 2-but that is all.
I hope that all makes sense. I am still in the throes of working this out myself--good luck!
Anne
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Taffy
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I think you handled things well, Martha. You didn't lose your temper and gave everyone a chance to cool off - awesome!
I'm wondering if your ds12 is hitting puberty? The change in hormones affects boys just as much as girls, I think, and may be the cause of his outbursts. Of course, I could be totally off base on this, just thinking out loud.
One thing that might help the oldest is to have a "safe" place for him to retreat to when he feels that he's losing control. Preferably, he could do something physical to release the tension while he's in this safe place - maybe shoot hoops? bat a tennis ball? shoot pucks into a net? (remember, I'm Canadian )
There should be an agreed to beforehand time limit for this and probably a key phrase or expression that he could use to show you he needs this. Then, when he's ready to go back to work, he should also supply a brief explanation/apology/expression of thanks.
I hope this helps some. It's kind of what I use for myself as I come from a family of yellers. But, ymmv, so take what I wrote with a grain of salt. Except for the first paragraph of course. 
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lapazfarm
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I think Taffy amkes an excellent point about puberty. It can be an ugly time!
Martha, it sounds as if you are doing everything right, so please don't beat yourself up. Some days, and some kids, are just more difficult than others.
My dd, now 22, always knew just how to push my buttons and would lure me into a fight every time. And you know what, she still does! So all we can do is our best, and hope and pray, gain strength from the sacraments, and try again the next day.
God bless you!
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gracie4309
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Just chiming in here with nothing profound to add, but wanted to send you some hugs  having been there many times. I, too, think your resolution was a good one. Wish I could think that clearly when my dc are acting up. Definitely do not beat yourself up (although we all seem inclined to do that). I know that in my weaker moments (tired, frustrated, etc) my kids are great at "yanking my chain", especially my teenage son.
Hang in there,
Grace
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nicole-amdg
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I so wish I had this forum to complain in months earlier. I have had so many bad moments... Martha and ladies, even in your weaknesses like this one you uphold and support this fellow mom.
I think you did great in taking them outside and talking to them. I agree that dh needs to step in to handle the 12yo ds--if he can't right then, make a note or write a letter to him about what needs his attention, so you can debrief him better later. Say to ds, "That is no way to speak to your mother or any woman/lady" (I would probably say "woman") and then get him out of your vicinity--if he's too "old" for timeout then he gets exiled! On the other hand, if I can think straight enough to change the venue and get control of the situation like you did, Martha, I think that would be more effective.
In general, if I can catch myself and children getting into this situation, the following things help:
Say a prayer, help dc say a prayer, pray over them very quickly and/or silently. "Holy Spirit, please help me get through the next five minutes without hurting anyone!" Usually if I pray I can at least stop myself from lashing out and yelling long enough to decide what to do next.
If someone needs a breather, send someone/everyone (!) to their rooms, maybe with a book. "From the way you're behaving, it's obvious you're tired. Go lie down until I come and get you." This works best with younger children, I think, but could be modified for older children to show your respect for them but still enforce some time to diffuse tension/anger. I don't want to punish non-offenders so I let them choose something quiet to do/take with them.
Outside is an excellent restorative, as Elizabeth's blog has taught me.
If a child's outburst is starting to cause me to see red, I subscribe to the "oxygen mask on the airplane" mentality and do what I can to stay rational (and hopefully calm). "I am too frustrated with your behavior right now to help you. Sit down and I will speak to you in a minute." Take as many deep breaths as you need. I "relearned" this from Blue's Clues--Stop, breathe, think! That's what I tell the kids now.
God bless you for not deleting this post!
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Bridget
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Now how do ya'll think your going to shave off any purgatory time if your kids don't have meltdowns? It's especially fruitful if your neighbors hear/see it.
I'm just teasing. Martha, you are doing a great job. It does sound like teen hormones are taking over. It helped my son just to know that. He thought something was wrong with him.
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amyable
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Bridget wrote:
Now how do ya'll think your going to shave off any purgatory time if your kids don't have meltdowns? It's especially fruitful if your neighbors hear/see it.
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WOO HOO! I'm Heaven bound for sure, then!
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Nina Murphy
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That was my day yesterday, Martha. With me yelling and feeling more stress than is acceptable. Those days I just keep sighing through, praying through, praying to just make it to the end and have it be OVER WITH so we can start a new day! Some days are just *like that*. Today has been so much different.
Ya know? It's just so hard to know what's up----we can't ask why. I don't think it's anything *wrong* with your children or you. I think it's life and growth and perhaps, the Evil One? trying to discourage and thwart us? And also, an opportunity to just remember how utterly dependent we are on God, how He keeps us going--literally some days hour by hour. When we feel the weight of our weakness (and our children's)...it keeps us remembering we NEED HELP, our eyes on Heaven and on Him. It tries our patience but I guess it is giving us the opportunity to experience that trial and grow....even tho if does NOT feel that way. I know, sister!
Sending love and prayers for a better day.
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stefoodie
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That was my yesterday too. Love all the advice here. Today we took a break from most everything (except Latin and their reading piles) and just RELAXED. Thank you for this thread!
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denise3578
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We just experienced a meltdown by my 3yo, and you know what? It stresses out the older kids,too. I saw that I am not the only one about to lose it - the noise, the constant screaming by one kid can unnerve all the others. Maybe your older son was reacting to that. My older kids just retreat to a corner of the house until it's over. I am also learning not to try to expect the older kids to carry on school in that chaos. My best strategy is to try to calm him down, and then we can proceed.
Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.
Denise in VA
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Kristie 4
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Thank you so much for not deleting this post Martha. We have those days as well, and when we are in them it is hard to see the light of day!!
I have a wonderful, bright, spunky 9yodd who can go off at the drop of a hat (this has also increased at the onset of hormones!!) which can always give the whole home quite a whirl!!
My son is also newly 12 (February), and just this morning when I told him that this morning I wanted him to do a chore he has often done, but just cover more space, he did it with such a scowl I nearly dropped! Ususally he does things happilly, or at least willingly, and this was just very out of character (it wouldn't been out of character if it was a creative writing assignment mind you ). My mother in law is visiting and pointed out that considering he is entering puberty this was quite normal..... this really helped me in the moment.
It sounds like you handled yourself very well- don't beat yourself up.... accept the grace and forgiveness you have in Christ.
I will say a prayer for you for tomorrow- I am always comforted by the bible verse that says that 'tomorrow is a new day', new as in 'brand new, never ever been experienced before!!'
Kristie
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Martha
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| Posted: May 18 2007 at 4:12pm | IP Logged
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well an update to my on going efforts to raise human children. dratted free will.
we are working on developing stragegies to cope when that boiling feeling starts to set in, kwim?
well "breath calmly and count to 10" just isn't going to cut it.
so we are running to mom with it, Mother Mary to be exact
instead of counting to 10 when we feel on the verge of a meltdown, they grab their rosary (convienently located around their neck) and take a deep breath and give 10 Hail Marys
i have no idea if this will curb the problem or not, but here's hoping. thanks for listening ladies. it's nice to know I'm not alone in the trenches here.
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Martha
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Topic: avoiding meltdowns?
