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JeniferS
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| Posted: Nov 19 2008 at 10:21pm | IP Logged
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Aww, hugs, Courtney.
I know how hard it is to battle with this decision. We homeschooled last year and after a few weeks of hsing this year we found a school that we were comfortable with and put both of our children back in. My son (2nd grader) started complaining about the work I'd give him and said he wanted to go back to school. I was so conflicted about it but once we found the right school, it felt better. The feelings were still hard, though.
Honestly, it's been a mixed bag. There are many many positive things about it (we're at a charter school that teaches Core Knowledge & is very accepting of each child's differences) but there are also some negatives. Albeit, the negatives are no where near what they were in the public school.
Now that he's in school, he says he wants to be homeschooled again. I would so love to have him and his sister home again, but I know in my heart of hearts that for us, for right now, this is the best thing.
If you do decide to let your daughter try out school, please don't take think of it as making you a failure. Life is like that. We all go through life trying new things. Sometimes the new things works and we move on. Sometimes, it doesn't work and we go back to our old ways with a new appreciation.
God bless,
__________________
Jenifer, mom to Harrison, 7 and Olivia, 5
The Way We Learn
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Courtney
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| Posted: Nov 19 2008 at 11:25pm | IP Logged
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Thank you, Jennifer. I'm still conflicted and no decision has been made. I know what I want...to contiue as we are! I continue to pray that God will show me what's best for us right now. Thanks for your encouragement.
__________________
Courtney in Texas
Wife to Mike since 3/94 
Mom to Candace 10/97 ,Christopher 4/00 and Connor 11/11
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ALmom
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| Posted: Nov 24 2008 at 10:47pm | IP Logged
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Courtney:
We've been there. Our oldest (now a Junior in college) wanted to go to school from the time she was 13. We said no. She didn't like our decision, but we did listen carefully to her hurts and pain and the things she felt were lacking in her school experience. We fixed whatever we could - she wanted structure, we provided more structure. She wanted to explore wider ideas, we introduced her to challenging works. She wanted to rub shoulders with more people who didn't all think like her. She heard any number of debates in the informal orchestra settings between atheists and believers. She heard some Catholic bashing in most settings where morals were upheld. She wasn't included in a lot of those social groups because she didn't do teen pact or whatever it was that the evangelicals were doing in terms of political education (a lot of it was great stuff - just wouldn't have allowed us to access Mass)and it was clear that she was Catholic and not converting. It was a real hardship for her. She is in college now and we have a wonderful relationship. She still doesn't necessarily agree that we made the best choice about homeschooling high school, though she now conceeds that middle school would not have been a good thing. (She actually did get to see a middle school because she accompanied their choir and had to show up for practice a bunch of days. She loved being a fly on the wall and saw a bit more of the negatives).
Some children learn best being able to bounce their thoughts off of a lot of different people. My daughter felt confined to the same 1 or 2 folks - none of whom shared her interest. She was very independent, and still tends to be a very, very busy person. She sometimes overschedules herself but mostly she is a happier, more prayerful person if she is out and about and doing lots and lots of things. With lots of littles at home, I also had to juggle how often you drag the 6 and under crowd out so she could do things. Because we were not in any of the larger covers, we did not have access to some of the competitive things she might have thrived on.
She was also very competitive. She needed lots of affirmation from outside the home - but until orchestra she just didn't get it. People at the parish complained about her choices in music (we were too traditional) or didn't talk to her at all. We lived in a region with a very small number of Catholics and almost no Catholic homeschoolers (it has grown considerably since then). I tried to set up a co-op. It didn't work. We planned events and invited (the same one or two kids showed up). She did not feel a part of the parish setting (it had a school and we weren't part of the school and parish teen activities at the time were not acceptable to us). She volunteered to help with music, so it isn't like we didn't try to get involved. But nothing seemed to work to help her feel a part of something. We tried to find activities for her with the church - driving 2 hours to get there. For whatever reason, they folded just as we would find them.
I remember telling her that she could no longer write sentences about how terrible homeschooling was for her school work. We would talk about things and I tried to listen. Ultimately our answer was to read the church documents to her, explain our interpretation, what we saw as our obligation before God and this was not negotiable. We listened to her frequently, tried to explain our reasons for our decision and wanted to feel like we would always listen to her concerns and take them seriously. Anything that she felt was lacking in school, we would listen and work very, very hard to meet her real needs. The end result of all of that was that she picked up violin around 13 (something that she loves to this day) and she became concert master her Senior year in high school. This would not have happened without homeschooling. She was just desperate to be in a group of widely differing people. There were any number of places teens "hung out" but we wouldn't allow it because of the lack of supervision and the lack of any focus whatsoever. Orchestra was one area where they were busy working, but had a short break where everyone visited - and some orchestra socials for bonding time but well-supervised and very focused on playing challenging music. She blossomed in the orchestra. It did not entirely remove the pain of the other times or lack of close friends or purely social invitations. Still it allowed her to see that she was not deficient in social or leadership skills, she just had never had the opportunity for those latent gifts to blossom like they did in orchestra.
She has never agreed with our decision to only homeschool her, but once the decision was made, she looked at it and we decided together to make the best of it and make it as good an experience for her as was within our power to do. I did not say no to any acceptable invitations (some girls invited her to a watch a movie on DVD at their house, we would turn our schedule on a dime to get her there if the supervision, etc. was acceptable). She packed her schedule studying 3 instruments, playing various events, orchestra, chamber ...... etc. I drove her if it was nighttime. I basically, happily and willingly did a lot of extras knowing that this was a real and critical need for this child.
I could not help that we did not have any options locally, nor did we have many homeschoolers - not many homeschooling highschoolers. She was extremely lonely, and I do not believe she got a single social invitation in middle or high school except one to watch a movie and one for a sleepover. We let her go to the movie at the girl's house and we allowed her to go to the sleepover but picked her up around midnight or so when the sleepover part began. She was the odd ball and I know she suffered. I know some of the pain because I was a transfer in high school from overseas to a local school and was too different to be accepted or to feel like I belonged. It is horribly painful and the pain is very, very real. Still, we made the decision we felt we had to make. There aren't many options here - and definitely not at all back when she was in high school.
We did investigate a few things, my husband and I set up an appointment with our associate pastor and we discussed and sought guidance. We made the only decision we felt we could make. It was a tough one for all of us.
Recently my daughter and I were talking about the decision and I think she appreciated knowing more of the in depth reasons for things we did. We sometimes thought we had communicated these things to her, but evidently she didn't know how seriously we had looked at the various schools. I think she was glad to know we had taken her that seriously. We also, at times, felt it wasn't prudent to tell her all that we knew about things on the inside. Looking back, we probably should have told her a bit more.
As time went on, she was so busy with music, she didn't notice the lack of purely social invitations as much. She was a real healer in the orchestra (it had been very split with controversies over conductors and other such - with homeschooling strings and public/private schooled brass hardly even conversing. She was the only Catholic homeschooler so she was not in the homeschool in group or in the various school groups and she was simply friendly with everyone. Homeschooling was advantagous as a number of the folks looking for chamber players, needed them during the day. She began to see the extra time she had to perfect her skills more, to accept jobs like the one at the middle school (they didn't seem to care about any specified time you are allowed to work - guess those laws didn't apply). She saw more and more advantages and she got more and more recognition in music.
We also found a class - basically 5 gilrs studying British literature together. She found that really inspiring and it brought out her independent thinking. She was the only Catholic in the group.
We did the very best we could. I'll never know for sure if we made the right call or not, but we did what we felt we had to do at the time. I think we made the right call for our situation. I prayed and cried a lot. My daughter was always respectful, but she was not always happy. It did help the emotions a bit if dad did more of the talking and I did more of the listening (probably because dad is a better listener and a peacemaker, both of us are emotional). We tried to let her learn from her own mistakes as much as possible and not to stifle her - but this was one decision we didn't feel we could let her do. I know others chose differently and I respect that this is a very difficult type of decision. There were many things that were good about school and we didn't hide this or not talk about them with her. I know some of her friends were allowed to try things out for a year or so and they all turned out fine as far as I know. I would be lying if I said I never second guessed our decision. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if we let her go to a school for a year - but I really cannot go back and worry. We made the best decision. We made it in all sincerety and humility after checking the options and weighing our insights into the temptations and particular personality and pull on our daughter. Sometimes when they are most lonely, they are most vulnerable.
We have often discussed/pondered why God didn't answer our prayers in terms of opportunities within our church for her to meet and have real friends - why he didn't solve the lonliness issues. He has certainly strengthened her by it. She is in a very secular world but she already has years of standing out as different - not because she wanted to but because our faith required it. I really think he must have some awesome plans for her to have brought her through such a dessert.
I know this isn't much help in terms of the decisions you and your husband must make for your child. I hope it helps you to know that someone else has been there and we survived with a very good relationship. She knows I might not have been right, but she also knows we love her and made the best decision we could make at the time. I know that she can disagree with me(us) and still love and respect me (us) as her parent(s).
I do continue to ask the Blessed Mother to fill in for all the gaps we may have left.
Janet
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hereinantwerp
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| Posted: Nov 25 2008 at 9:12pm | IP Logged
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(((Courtney)))
I pray for you tonight as you make this decision!
It's been such a tough one for us. I have one in school and one not. It helps a lot that the school in the little town we live in is a really excellent school (for a public school!). Learning about the school made a big difference for me. Dh and I went in and talked for 2 hours (!!) to the principal about all our questions. Every single question (that is to say, worry!) was answered in the exact way which eased my fears and helped me to know that this school would be in line with how we feel as a parents. I left with a very good "feel" for it! I was surprised, actually, but I think much of this is because it IS an excellent school, within a small town setting of super-involved community and parents. Other parents in your neighborhood can also give you great comments and critique (as well as knowing teachers to avoid or request).
At 12, my son was just ready to "move outward." I didn't like that, but it's so been the right thing for him. Also I felt led very clearly in prayer (in a dream, actually!). I waited on the Lord for this, and though it did seem to be "the 11th hour", he answered me--and then I felt ok. So even though I didn't LIKE it and it was not MY vision or dream, I felt a settled kind of peace inside, and like things would turn out ok in the end.
For my son's sake, perhaps the best thing we did was move from an overseas setting where I would never have considered the schools, to this setting where the provision was there! (Not that I'm telling anyone to move!) But it is interesting how "all things work together" for good in our lives, how our Father is superintending everything, and knows the need before we even know to ask!
I had my younger son in the same school last year. It was a very good experience--in fact he recieved a lot of specific help and intervention that helped him (finally!) read and write! But now I have him home. I guess I just feel I want a few more years with him to do the "soul things"--root him in excellent literature, expose him to beauty, work on grounding his faith, delay the pressure of standardized tests and formal academics. Every child is different, every family, every "setting" (the place you live, the school options available) is different. My younger son misses school and occasionally asks to go back. We will probably put him back in 5th grade or so. I just have this gut feeling his happy, creative spirit is better off at home for awhile, and overall it is going pretty well. I think if you are led to homeschool a child, the provision of grace will be there to do it. If "the grace has departed," and it's not a case remedied by rest and refreshment (i.e., burnout!!), then sometimes it IS time to ask questions and explore options.
During the time I was making this decision I was seeing a counselor (for other issues but of course we talked about the kids too!). One thing she told me that helped was, "Avoid black-and-white thinking." That helped me. I think for a long time I wasn't even willing to research "the other side". She also said, "Just be committed to doing what's best for your son." It really wasn't about my dream or vision--a mother's heart says, what's best for my child? What does he/she need right now? I know this can feel like SUCH a HARD thing to figure out!! And the strong advocates and strong opinions on either side do not help. So I don't say this simplistically. But at the core I do believe that if we wait on the Lord, He WILL answer us---it is hard to live with the "unsettled" feeling until that answer comes, going back and forth. Also I think we women tend to "agonize" over these things--maybe we are just too close to it, and we just can't "separate" or not take everything personally, as well as our husbands. My dh had some surprising thoughts and insights in this process (when I remembered to seek his counsel!!). His perspective was different, his questions and concerns were different, though we were united in the idea of wanting to homeschool our kids. Anyway, listening for his perspective was so good. Sometimes if it feels like "it's too much!" for you or you feel in a tizzy, you can take a break just to rest in dh's judgment, too.
I don't know if any of that is helpful or encouraging  . I still go back and forth about all of this somtimes and WISH my oldest was home, but I see good fruits in my older son's life--he is picking excellent friends, and being stretched in very good, and needed ways. It has been good for him to have outside accountability in his life, as well as input from teachers/coaches/other adults in the community (in our little community there's not much opportunity for sports outside of school). So far it's been a POSITIVE thing for him, and for our family. So I try to rest in all this--it's good to remind myself of it now!
(((hugs))) and sympathetic thoughts!
__________________
Angela Nelson
Mother to Simon (13), Calvin (9), and Lyddie Rose (3)
my blog: live and learn
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RamFam
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| Posted: Nov 25 2008 at 9:48pm | IP Logged
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I hesitate to say it, but here's what public schools did for my brothers and I:
1. Eldest brother - turned out ok? He went into the military.
2. Second brother - Lots of drugs, alcohol, and car accidents before finally getting a good job and settling down.
3. Youngest older brother - Alcoholic. No ambition. Lazy. Can't keep a job. ETC, ETC, ETC. Married; his two step children now live with their grandmother.
4. Me - pregnant at 15 by abusive boyfriend, age 21.
I won't be sending my children to public school. Ever.
(I realize this isn't entirely rational and one day after some healing I will think otherwise.)
Oh, and for what it's worth, I begged my mother to homeschool me in 7th grade. She wouldn't because she was "too dumb."
__________________
Leah
RamFaminNOVA
Tom ^i^, Kyle (my Marine), Adeline '00, Wyatt '05, Isaac '07 Philip '08,Michael '10, and John Xavier Feb '13
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teachingmom
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Virginia Bluebells
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| Posted: Nov 25 2008 at 11:38pm | IP Logged
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As I mentioned earlier in this thread, I've heard "I want to go to real school" quite a few times in all my years of homeschooling. (My oldest is in 9th grade and I've always homeschooled.) I really feel for all of you who are going through it now. It can really make us question our decision at times.
This year I am going through it a bit once again with my kindergartener. She is really social and her friends all go to school, so I hear questions about school every so often from her. I try to answer her questions and address her concerns while explaining that we feel that God has called us to homeschool her and her sisters, so that is what our family does.
I was thrilled this past week when I sat down at the computer to find a writing assignment that my 10 year old 5th grade daughter had done that day. (She regularly makes up her own writing assignments, so I had no idea what she was working on until I saw it.) She's given me permission to post what she wrote here.
I hope it may encourage any of you who worry about children who wish they could go to real school. This daughter of mine has voiced that wish periodically in the past. She is very agreeable, so she has always accepted homeschooling. But has said on numerous occasions that she wishes that she could at least try school to see what it is like. Reading this made me realize that sometimes it just takes time for kids to recognize the benefits of our lifestyle.
Anyway here is what she wrote:
Why You Should Homeschool
I am homeschooled. I have been homeschooled my entire life, and I love it! Homeschooling is awesome. Here’s why:
1. You can go at your own pace. You don’t have to be hurried or slowed down, mostly in things like math.
2. You can sleep in later! You can go to bed later!
You have to admit, homeschooling can let you have a more leisurely sleep schedule!
3. You get to choose the books you read! (Or some at least.)
Maybe you could even suggest things to your Mom, such as what time period you study for history.
4. You can do activities that are held during school hours. For instance, I do piano during the school day on Wednesdays.
5. You can go on field trips,and more than once or twice a year like school kids.
See? Homeschooling is great, isn’t it? You should do it!
__________________
~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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sarahb
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| Posted: Nov 26 2008 at 10:00am | IP Logged
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RamFam wrote:
I hesitate to say it, but here's what public schools did for my brothers and I:
1. Eldest brother - turned out ok? He went into the military.
2. Second brother - Lots of drugs, alcohol, and car accidents before finally getting a good job and settling down.
3. Youngest older brother - Alcoholic. No ambition. Lazy. Can't keep a job. ETC, ETC, ETC. Married; his two step children now live with their grandmother.
4. Me - pregnant at 15 by abusive boyfriend, age 21.
I won't be sending my children to public school. Ever.
(I realize this isn't entirely rational and one day after some healing I will think otherwise.)
Oh, and for what it's worth, I begged my mother to homeschool me in 7th grade. She wouldn't because she was "too dumb." |
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I dont think its at all fair to place the blame for those serious issues on public schools. I do hope you find your healing.
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Courtney
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| Posted: Dec 06 2008 at 12:46am | IP Logged
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Happy update!
A wise friend suggested I give my dd the assignment of researching public school to include reasons for wanting to go, other friends (in p.s.) likes and dislikes about it and what her schedule would be like. She assured me that more than likely she would drop the subject. Sure enough...I had told her to bring her finished "report" to me on Monday. Monday came and went without a word. I mentioned it on Tues. and she said she had changed her mind and didn't want to go next year afterall. I didn't ask her "why" at the time. I think since we didn't immediately say "No way!" she felt like she could explore the thought a little more although we (dh and I )had the final decision.
All in all, I realized that I had fallen into a bit of perfectionism. I have really made a much bigger effort to not sweat the small stuff and to really give specific praise to dd more often. It's amazing how much that does for one's attitude! Thank you all for your prayers. I am grateful to have each day at home with my children.
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Courtney in Texas
Wife to Mike since 3/94
Mom to Candace 10/97,Christopher 4/00 and Connor 11/11
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JeniferS
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| Posted: Dec 06 2008 at 9:55am | IP Logged
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Oh my goodness, that is GENIUS!!!
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Jenifer, mom to Harrison, 7 and Olivia, 5
The Way We Learn
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4Real Forums : Living Learning
Topic: I Want to Go to REAL School!
