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Angie Mc
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Willa wrote:
But don't you wish there was a checklist for EVERYTHING in a MOm's life that was so clear? |
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You know I do, Willa  .
Willa wrote:
What's more important, a clean house or math today?
What's more important, playing a game with my preschooler or counseling a friend or grown child on the phone?
I know it's not always either/or, but these are the things that puzzle me and often, I think, skew my default reactions. |
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I'll try...dh and I have objective standards written down based on our priorities. House or math? They're about equal here so I would rotate. Game or friend or grown child? Sorry, but the friend will need to wait or get help from someone else (very difficult for me), then the grown child on the phone (sorta assuming that the child is away and time when they are available it limited) then the pre-schooler. I hope I'm not sounding glib here...these are my challenges too! Willa, for me so much of this is connected to my "Shoulds." Some of my "shoulds" are actually "wants"...I want to help a friend...I want to chat online...I want to attend the public rosary for life...but my true "shoulds" need to stay close to home.
Which begs the question...why and how am I finding time to post about this topic? First, I prayed about offering this topic because it has been very helpful to me and my family. I asked my dh if he thought it might be helpful and he said, "Yes." After I saw that there was an interest in the topic, I asked my dh and children if they could find time for me to do this for a week. They said, "Yes!"...and I'm grateful, learning a ton, and having a great time!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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hylabrook1
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Angie -
I hadn't realized there were so many types of distorted thinking! With all those unhelpful, warped ways to view the world, it seems that the only possibility left for thinking straight is to rely heavily on grace! (Of course that is probably ultimately the message...)
Tying one of my own thinking distortions in with yesterday's example about our reactions when seeing other people's neat projects on their blogs, I often think, "Well, I'll never be as good at all of this (mothering, home-educating, making positive memories with my dc) as she is." Not fair to "her", me, or my family, but there you have it.
Peace,
Nancy
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Angie Mc
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hylabrook1 wrote:
With all those unhelpful, warped ways to view the world, it seems that the only possibility left for thinking straight is to rely heavily on grace! (Of course that is probably ultimately the message...)
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You are right, Nancy, which is why I am especially excited to discuss this topic with faithful women. The resources I have read are secular, such as Feeling Good so they are limited (which is appropriate because they aren't trying to do too much.) As faithful women we can use what we learn about our thinking as a tool to help us become saints - a tiny tool, a tiny piece of the puzzle, yet one worth learning to help us to be open to God's will and grace. If you all haven't done so, check out this current topic discussing grace and more, Hearts of our homes - more food for thought.)
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Marie
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I'm a little late in the day to come back but wanted to follow up. It was great to read everyone's thoughts.
I think for me, I am much more prone to all of these types of thinking when I am tired, hungry, frustrated, bored, stressed, sad etc. At this stage in my kids life (I'm almost 36 weeks preg. and have a 3 and 1 year old), I can't always modify those triggers. I don't sleep well, my kids have been sick, I'm not up to making much for dinner. At a certain level, I accept that this is where I am at. But learning to identify the types of thinking would still be helpful. I can see that this type of learning to identify will take time to learn. Lots of time and patience with myself. I am very prone to shoulds.
I have to go make dinner...:) I do wish as Willa said there were a mommy manual with all the answers but I think maybe we have to write out own because we're all a little different. :)
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~Marie
DS 2005, DD 2007, DD 2009 and a new little DS 2011 DS 2014
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KC in TX
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I didn't make it on line to do this one. I'm off to bed but will read more thoroughly tomorrow. Thank you again, Angie.
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KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
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Angie Mc
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Hi all! I've just returned from my boys' baseball practice, need to get some housework done, and get to bed on time  . We'll continue this topic tomorrow so keep your insights coming! Thanks so much.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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On Monday (see link in first post of this topic,) we considered the tiny space of time between an action and our reaction. We looked at how an action can trigger automatic, often hidden, thoughts that trigger our feelings and guide our reaction, our behavior. When our mood and behaviors are right, appropriate, and what we would like, we can be grateful that we aren't aware of every-single-thought that floats through our mind. But what about when our mood and behaviors are off and leading us to sin?
Yesterday we considered that some thoughts may be distorted, triggering unpleasant feelings, which direct our mood and behaviors improperly. Distortion, by its nature, is confusing. It may have a bit of truth but be disproportionate. For example, I enjoy Catholic apologetics, explaining our faith with words. Apologetics is a good. Yet, if I (or anyone) distort apologetics and make it the be all and end all of faith, I will be misguided and hurt others with harsh words, judgement, and arrogance. Thinking distortions are similar. They can start will good intentions, become disproportionate, and blind us.
There were several insights shared yesterday and I plan to re-read and post replies. Before I do that, here's another chance to practice "catching" thoughts and feelings.
Have you been on the receiving end of someone else's distorted thinking in words (remember, no mind-reading  ) and it left you feeling frustrated, discouraged, sad, angry, or the like? What were the words? Or share a generic example. Share as few or as many as you like. Try to label the distorted thinking.
Caution: The goal of this practice is to test the truth of others' words so that we can better choose how to react. We can hope to avoid being baited into needless arguments, emotional outbursts, forgive more easily, and move on more quickly. Let's be careful to avoid our own distorted thinking, harsh judgement, and breaking the confidentiality of others.
All or Nothing - "You'll never use your degree."
Overgeneralization - "Your life is so easy."
Mental Filter - "You never answer the phone."
Disqualifying the Positive - "Yes, but what about socialization?"
Jumping to Conclusions -
*mindreading, "Are you mad at me? You haven't talked to me lately."
*future telling , "You'll be sorry you got mixed up with the state foster care system."
Magnification - "How will they ever get into college?"
Minimization - "It isn't a baby, it's a clump of cells." 
Emotional Reasoning - "But I'm your friend!"
Should Statements - "You should get out more often with your husband."
Labeling/Mislabeling - "Homeschoolers are weird."
Personalization - "Why don't you come to more group activities. Did I do something wrong?"
Next!
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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LisaR wrote:
also, all of your above examples remind me how important it is to practice the present moment. to be the best child of God in THE MOMENT.
if you didn't make it to Mass, how are you showing love for God right at this moment?
this has helped me not to become attached to time, either. if the line is long at the store and I realize we'll be late to daily Mass, instead of beating myself up "I SHOULD have left sooner, so this would not have happened" "I got in the slow, or new checker line" (so it is THEIR fault) I just try to show patience and grace to my kids and those around me, and I try not to look at my watch!!
Once I was late and the line was moving agonizingly slow. I had to pick up my son, and felt like a domino effect was going to occur, causing the entire afternoon/evening to get out of sync.
I "made" myself let two people get in line ahead of me, and by the time I got out to the parking lot, my entire mood had changed- and the night went fine!! |
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Thank you, Lisa! I've come to realize (painful) that I'm not the "living in the present woman" that I thought I was. Many of my "shoulds" were throwing me back to the past, over and over again. While careful consideration of past problems, mistakes, and the like can be useful, thoughtlessly going there only takes me away from now...from God now...from my dh and children now. Future-telling takes me away from now, too! "They'll never get into college." "She will never finish the project." "We'll never get licensed." "She is a new driver and will get in an accident." "He's late, something bad must have happened." So much needless worry! Even if and when my worst case scenarios have come true, I gained nothing from worry. The truth most definitely shows itself in time and then I am in the moment, the real moment.
"not attached to time"...that's a helpful description for me.
Your description of the "domino effect" is spot-on! You were able to break the chain by pushing aside thinking distortions and act from love and courtesy - works every time  .
I may be getting broad here, but thinking about the domino effect reminds me of a common parenting phrase here, "Who's going to be the hero?" You know, something happened, siblings are disagreeing, feelings are running high, everyone is blaming and trying to make their case, pointing fingers for others to do something, its all going in a circle. "Who's going to be the hero?" Who is going to choose do do the right thing?...I need to ask myself that question!
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Angie Mc
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Angie Mc
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Marie wrote:
| I think for me, I am much more prone to all of these types of thinking when I am tired, hungry, frustrated, bored, stressed, sad etc. At this stage in my kids life (I'm almost 36 weeks preg. and have a 3 and 1 year old), I can't always modify those triggers. |
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Exactly. No one can argue against getting sleep, eating right, exercising, and the like, but what about when these things are not in place for whatever reason? Does that give me an excuse to behave poorly? I ask myself, "How can I be like the saints who suffered so beautifully?"
Marie wrote:
| But learning to identify the types of thinking would still be helpful. I can see that this type of learning to identify will take time to learn. Lots of time and patience with myself. |
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You are so right, Marie. Once I had the concept ACTION->THOUGHT->FEELING->BEHAVIOR(REACTION) down and learned the names of the thinking distortions, I was off to a good start. Awareness alone is helpful! Like anything, practice can help too. When I chose to move beyond awareness, I made a list of the distortions and hung them in our kitchen and checked off next to the specific distortion whenever I caught myself in one. It was easy, helped me to detach and be curious, and it showed me my "go-to" distortions and patterns.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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If you want to dig deeper, consider learning more about attitudes that predispose us to thinking distortions. You can find more information, to include what these attitudes look like when they are healthy, and a handy-dandy "Dysfunction Attitude Scale" quiz in "Feeling Good" on Scribd. Here's a mom-friendly version that describes when a tendency is at its negative extreme:
Approval
A tendency to measure how you feel about yourself based on how people react to you and what they think of you. It is difficult for you to be confronted with criticism and disapproval. If someone insults you or puts you
down, you automatically tend to look down on yourself. You can be easily manipulated and you are vulnerable to anxiety and depression when others criticize you or are angry with you.
Love
A tendency to base your worth on whether or not you are
loved. You tend to adopt inferior, put-down roles in relationships with people you care about for fear of alienating them. Unfortunately, they may lose respect for you and consider you a burden because of your attitude that without their love you would collapse. You may resort to coercive, manipulative behavior to get
attention which may drive people away, intensifying your loneliness.
Achievement
A tendency to see yourself as a commodity in the marketplace or to feel joy and fulfillment based on productivity.
Perfectionism
A tendency to demand perfection in yourself, mistakes are taboo, failure is worse than death, and even negative emotions are a disaster. You're supposed to look, feel, think, and behave superbly, at all times. You run at an intense pace and once a goal is achieved, another more distant goal replaces it, so you never experience the reward. You are likely to be less productive because you are compulsively preoccupied with detail and correctness.
Entitlement
A tendency to feel "entitled" to things-success, love, happiness, etc. You expect and demand that your wants be met by other people and by the universe at large because of your inherent goodness or hard work. When this does not happen-as is often the case-you are locked into one of two reactions. Either you feel depressed and inadequate or you become
irate. Thus, you consume enormous amounts of energy
being frustrated, sad, and mad. Much of the time you see
life as a sour, rotten experience. You complain loudly and often, but you do little to solve problems.
Omnipotence
A tendency to see yourself as the center of your personal universe and to hold yourself responsible for much of what goes on around you. You personalize and blame yourself inappropriately for the negative actions
and attitudes of others who are not really under your
control.
Autonomy
A tendency to be unable to find happiness within
yourself. You are trapped in the belief that your potential for joy comes from outside. You end up the victim of external factors that you cannot control.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Sarah
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Wow I think that Approval is something I might struggle with here. Which is why it could be a downhill spiral for a homeschooling mom who gets no outside approval. Then a mom could tend to go inward and brood and feel like she's doing a terrible job. And the downhill spiral continues.
I'm following all this and loving it. Just haven't commented yet.
Thanks Angie!!!
__________________
Six boys ages 16, 14, 11, 7, 5, 2 and one girl age 9
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Willa
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Hmm, those are interesting, Angie. Approval would probably be my weak place too. I have trouble going against the tide.... not so much in the general community, but against the tide of those who are close to me. I usually feel that disapproval is a sort of referendum on how I'm actually doing.
I have some perfectionism but it takes a closet form (you should see my closets, you'd know I wasn't an open perfectionist!). It's not so much "looking good" as "thinking well" that I strive for and am disappointed if I miss the mark about.
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AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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Angie Mc
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Thanks for sharing, Sarah and Willa. I wonder if, like Sarah suggests, there might be common tendencies among homeschooling moms? Or among women who take their vocation as wife and mother seriously? Or among women who want to love God with all their hearts and be saints?
On one hand, I have to admit that I was bummed out to see even more clearly my go-to attitudes (Can you guess what they are?) and was surprised at some of the ways they showed in me. On the other hand, I was relieved to not have the extreme of them all! PHEW!
Awareness of these tendencies has been most helpful to me in this way. For the most part, once I'm able to catch myself in a thinking distortion, I find relief because I replace the distortion with a more truthful thought/s which quickly brings me feelings of relief and an improved mood. Yet, I found that sometimes finding the distortion didn't bring relief. In these cases, when my feelings were still running high or I felt out of control, I looked to my attitude.
For me, letting go of a distorted thought is tough, letting go of a favorite distorted thinking pattern is tougher, and letting go of an entrenched attitude is the toughest of all. I don't say this to discourage, but to reassure that this really is hard but worthwhile! (Sort of like T-Tapp .)
I'm with you both in the Approval boat. Like Willa, I'm attached to the approval of loved ones (not so much the general public) and have figured out an interesting twist. I can be attached to Influence, wanting others to be influenced by me, to accept what I say or do, and to integrate it into their lives. By the grace of God, or by failing miserably over and over again , this attitude is being quickly replaced by praying for others and trusting others to make their own informed choices wihtout input from me.
I lean toward wanting to do something well or not doing it at all, Perfectionism. Like Willa, no perfectly groomed hair or home to identify me as a perfectionist - drat . I've been working on doing some things, like crafts and science projects "good enough." I also don't like making mistakes, but I'm getting better at it - making and accepting them, that is .
In order to keep some of my private life private, I'll stop there and share a caution. Looking at my attitudes did eventually dig up some old hurts. I'm not very introspective and I definitely won't gaze at my naval but looking at my attitudes was a door into that territory. My dh and a wonderful priest have been able to help me with these hurts. If this happens to you, please do get some help and support close to home. These sensitive and private matters are best helped in private.
Thank you to everyone who is still reading along! This and all of the previous topics on this subject are open so please feel free to join in at any place or time. After I've presented all of the material I have, I hope to summarize it and possibly come up with a Cliff Notes version. I hope!
Later today or tomorrow, I'll start a new topic on "How we think - when life is difficult."
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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LisaR
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Angie, a friend recently shared with me about "genesis Process" have you heard of it? what she experienced there with that program sounds similar to your reflections here. I'm so sorry I have not participated since day one- lots to think about- not enough time to coherently post!! off to co-op!
thanks so much!
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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I've been reading and praying about this...I think some of it is starting to come together. Although the word makes me cringe (and it should), I think "Omnipotence" is my biggest problem. Kids aren't behaving? Kids aren't learning? It's my fault. I blame myself for what I did (or didn't do) as the reason for a behavior problem or learning difficulty - Personalization.
Without getting into personal details, I'm just going to throw that out to see if I'm getting this right and offer it as a potential common tendency among moms...(?)
__________________
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dd 6.02, dd 8.03, ds 3.05, ds 12.06 at Catholic school.
dd 12.09 at home.
Baby boy due 10.13
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CandaceC
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Ladies, I have been following this thread with such interest.
In the past few weeks the Lord has been showing me some of my own insecurities and I have been struggling with WHAT to do with all this TOUGH information.
I really, really struggle with the approval and love categories there. And, I'm still mulling over the list of unhealthy thoughts...I think I have even more of those that I struggle with.
So, where do you START? I admit, I feel hopeless in some of these arenas. I am seeing more and more how my thoughts and issues come from a very unhealthy relationship with my dad growing up...and the sins that he was living in then are still there. I can't change him...but it still affects me so greatly. Sometimes I just don't know where or how to start! any help???
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CandaceC
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Stephanie, I was going to name omnipotence as my 3rd one from that list. I think that (along with approval and love) are the 3 that are my biggest struggle from that list.
I have a huge tendency to always think the negative things in my household, children, church...are all MY fault. 
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Candace - wife to David since 2000...mommy to Hannah (Feb. 2002), Emily (April 2003) and Caleb (March 2005)
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Angie Mc
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LisaR wrote:
Angie, a friend recently shared with me about "genesis Process" have you heard of it? what she experienced there with that program sounds similar to your reflections here. I'm so sorry I have not participated since day one- lots to think about- not enough time to coherently post!! off to co-op!
thanks so much! |
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Hi, Lisa, glad to see you here! You are welcome . I'm not familiar with Genesis Process but looked it up and gave it a quick read. I'm somewhat familiar with addiction treatment, mainly through the 12 step self-help model. I'll ask (I hope to remember  ) my dh, a professional, if he is familiar with it. I hope that your friend finds the program helpful.
Yes, there is definitely the commonality of cognitive awareness. But the material I'm sharing is much more modest, simple, focused, and doable without outside or professional help. We're also fleshing it out through mom-to-mom sharing focusing on common wife-n-mother behaviors/reactions that are less interferring and destructive than those mentioned above. I'm glad to have the chance to clarify this important point.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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Stephanie_Q wrote:
I've been reading and praying about this...I think some of it is starting to come together. Although the word makes me cringe (and it should), I think "Omnipotence" is my biggest problem. Kids aren't behaving? Kids aren't learning? It's my fault. I blame myself for what I did (or didn't do) as the reason for a behavior problem or learning difficulty - Personalization.
Without getting into personal details, I'm just going to throw that out to see if I'm getting this right and offer it as a potential common tendency among moms...(?) |
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Thanks so much, Stephanie, you are totally getting it right. This does take awhile to come together and only through prayer can we discern what to take and what to leave for now. I'm so glad to know that I'm not the only one who absolutely cringes seeing these attitudes within me . I'll tell you a funny story. Our family had been working with this material pretty heavily for severl weeks last summer. One of my children, we share a lot in common in temperament, was struggling. The child had made a mistake and making mistakes is very painful for him/her. What did we do? We took turns standing on a chair in the middle of the living room and (eventually) shouting, "I can make a mistake. I can make a mistake! I CAN MAKE A MISTAKE!" Just living with and saying these words in connection to ourselves takes away some of the sting. I think of Brother Lawrence of the Resurrection and his matter-of-fact "Of course I am a sinner" (my quick paraphrase). Of course, I make mistakes! Now to turn immediately to God for help instead of wallowing in my pride or self-pity right?
I do think that Omnipotence is very common among moms. "Mother blame" is very popular in our culture so it feeds into this, don't you think?
Another clarification and encouragement, Stephanie reminds me to say, there is no need or pressure for anyone to spill your guts here. Most of this can be discussed in general terms because we all share much in common.
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Angie Mc
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CandaceC wrote:
Ladies, I have been following this thread with such interest.
In the past few weeks the Lord has been showing me some of my own insecurities and I have been struggling with WHAT to do with all this TOUGH information.
I really, really struggle with the approval and love categories there. And, I'm still mulling over the list of unhealthy thoughts...I think I have even more of those that I struggle with.
So, where do you START? I admit, I feel hopeless in some of these arenas. I am seeing more and more how my thoughts and issues come from a very unhealthy relationship with my dad growing up...and the sins that he was living in then are still there. I can't change him...but it still affects me so greatly. Sometimes I just don't know where or how to start! any help???
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Thank you for joining in, Candace. Our hope is in the Lord who is so gentle and persistent with us! I pray for you, for all of us, as we wrestle with insecurities. I trust that God will be at your side each step of the way.
You ask what to do first? Thank you! This will help to put these "tools" into their proper context for all of us. First and foremost, Pray and keep praying and pray some more. Pray for discernment, protection, and peace. Keep doing what you are doing to connect with God who loves you so very much. Next, take care of yourself; sleep, eat, exercise to the best of your ability. Next, talk with your dh. Next, fulfill your calling as wife and mother; do your work, wash the clothes, do a craft, make a meal. Offer all of your efforts up to God. Next, practice catching your distorted thoughts and replace them with truthful ones. Be curious. Be detached. Avoid making it one more thing for your to-do list. Go easy on yourself. Eat some chocolate! Take your time! Hold off on delving into your attitudes or past too deeply for now, unless you know that God is calling you to do so immediately. Then be sure to pray for a confidant who is in a position to listen and help (dh, spiritual director, family member, friend, professional.) All in God's time. He will let you know His will for you.
As for the thinking distortions, I have caught them all within me! Some I go to more than others (the Shoulds) but I visit them all. No worries, the goal is to catch them and replace them. Over time this gets easier to do and we can catch the distortions more quickly. They also come less frequently because we are forming new habits of thought. Good habit formation is always hard up front but then we reap the benefits when they become more automatic.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: How we think - 3. distortions
