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Nina Murphy
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| Posted: March 29 2007 at 2:57pm | IP Logged
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[QUOTE=WJFR] I would say I usually burn out because the disparity between what I want and what is actually going on is too great. So I know I am vulnerable to burn out when:
--I'm comparing myself to people with different talents or superior talents.
--We have had some change in our lives so I can't function the way I'm used to functioning (I am pregnant or ill or there is a new baby or a difficult situation).
--I am trying to do something that is simply too hard or not fitted to the way we operate (a bit like #1 and #2 but not quite the same -- this would be more like your experience with Sound Beginnings, Helen -- I have had similar ones)
QUOTE]
This has really given me food for thought and is concisely put. Just three points. Not too complicated. Maybe this *is* what it boils down to. And it needs to be kept at the forefront of the mind when those shaky feelings start----to remind ourselves: is this what is going on?
But then how do we help ourselves at that point? (Changing courses and switching to Plan B or C has not always borne fruit for us, sometimes it seems to produce a more unsettled state...) Or how do we avoid it in the first place--is it even possible?
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~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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Helen
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Nina Murphy wrote:
| Or how do we avoid it in the first place--is it even possible? |
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Nina, I'm still thinking about this. I have four more rules for myself.
1. My Family is unique.
All families are unique. This is probably the closest thing to a "universal" principle so far. But have I really embraced this truth? If each family is unique, then no one will be able to plan a homeschool year for my family. Can someone offer me a map for the climb? Can someone else suggest a climb suitable for my family? Yes, but the actual preparation and the hike is up to me to decide and plan.
I think with public schools (institutional? what do we want to call them? traditional schools?) they have a force moving things forward almost like a fireman's hose. Homeschool doesn't have that force. It is different. (New idea. Am I making sense?)
2. This year may be different.
I like what Jennifer said on the other seasonal/organic thread:
marihalojen wrote:
| So I try to find things that are very applicable to our life and fit the real schooly things around it. |
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Just because something worked in the past doesn't mean it will definitely work now. Fresh and honest look at the family is needed frequently.
Which leads to the next idea...
3. Periodic pauses for prayerful reflection. Seasonal learning will build in more time to make assessments.
4. Simplicity through unity.
One way of avoiding burnout, using the idea of uninterrupted work as restful, if one has many students going in different directions, it becomes too exhausting for the long haul. Simplify with unity. One way is to work together as often as possible.
Another new thought: The lack of variety in the curriculum (working on one thing) may be offset by the many personalities bringing a different look to the subject. (Another different viewpoint from traditional schooling: the benefits from family interaction. It is not a tangible, quantifiable reality but it is certainly education in true-life experience.
If there isn't enough time right now to discuss this, we can continue after the Holy Week break. Thanks for all your input and help!
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Ave Maria!
Mom to 5 girls and 3 boys
Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: March 31 2007 at 1:14pm | IP Logged
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Helen wrote:
If there isn't enough time right now to discuss this, we can continue after the Holy Week break. Thanks for all your input and help! |
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 That's why I don't dare begin to write anything.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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lapazfarm
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Does holy week break begin tomorrow? or monday?
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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Karen E.
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| Posted: March 31 2007 at 1:49pm | IP Logged
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Helen wrote:
Whenever you have the chance (or inclination) Karen, if you could explain why you don't feel burned out, I would be interested. |
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The inclination is here, but the chance hasn't arrived.
 Perhaps I can ponder and share after Holy Week if I don't get time tonight.
I like very much what you said in your latest post here, Helen, and agree with it overall -- that each family and therefore, each homeschool, is so unique that there's no plan that will work for or fit all.
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God bless,
Karen E.
mom to three on earth, and several souls in God's care
Visit my blog, with its shockingly clever title, "Karen Edmisten."
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Willa
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Helen wrote:
| 3. Periodic pauses for prayerful reflection. Seasonal learning will build in more time to make assessments. |
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For me, this is key. I realize its importance more and more each year. "Retreats" -- even if only into my own heart while I'm vacuuming or settling a child to sleep, are like a spring that nourishes my heart and my vision for my family's education. "Examens" -- evaluating where I am going off track, before it is too late and I've run right off the rails and into the wilderness.
The other thing that I realize more and more as time goes on is the importance of staying in tune with one's husband's vision of education. I know -- it's hard. They aren't around the kids as much as we are, they are not as intuitive, and all that. But I've received many blessings I could not have expected by putting a whole hearted effort into aligning myself with my husband's view of things.
Similarly to the relationship with God, the attention to my husband's ideas and leadership has to keep growing in order not to stagnate.
I revisit these things continually, and reconvert continually. I think the Church and creation provide seasons in order to keep us restoring and reconverting and revisiting, in cycles, going deeper each time.
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AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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ALmom
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A lot to think about - but here are some things that have helped us:
I tend to be overambitious, so it helps me to recognize that and eliminate things as we move along. I've also learned that I need to plan - to avoid overdoing. I seek input from dh - but also from others who have more realistic sense of time (though I keep plans, if they are overambitious, I know from the start - and let the dc know these are long term goals, not year goals. So, for instance, this year we were going to go through Ancient civilizations (starting with early Biblical) through Ancient Israel, Egypt, Greece and Rome and all the civilizations growing up around Biblical times. Now, no way is that a years bit of work - but I didn't recognize that early on - now we are happy to do what we do and keep moving forward from there. I was helped to see that this was unrealistic by listening to my dc, and by judiciously listening to other homeschoolers or counselors whom I know have more realistic ideas of what is generally possible. Now if I never admitted that I simply think we can do everything at the beginning of the year and don't really have a good feel for this, I might stress thinking we actually had to finish these grandiose plans. Instead I laugh and know, OK, I was a bit ambitious here - lets talk. The dc also know me so we work on this together and neither of us gets overwhelmed - unless we refuse to see the weakness that is always with me! (I get super excited in history and think we'll do it all!  )
I need spaces of quiet, permission to fill my tank with a good book, prayer, etc. - something that helps me remember why I'm here in the first place and what my duties are. I need plenty of down time in the day - for myself and the children. If I don't plan it, I become a workaholic and never take this time. I'll need more down time if there is a period of struggle - like miscarriage, stress with spouse, moves, new baby ..
We live in a world that implies that our value is based on how smart we are, how well we can compete for scholarships or in the marketplace, etc. I need to recognize this for the lie it is. Our children are made in the image and likeness of God and we don't need to succumb to the other pressures. As soon as I forget this, I'm in a panic because I really don't know how to teach x, y , z or I start looking at the schoolhouse round the corner thinking about the opportunities there and panic because we cannot take AP classes and my child still struggles with x. I need to help each child find what talents and gifts God has given them, find ways to develop these while not neglecting basic education - but this does not need to be AP everything. I've been thinking about this and realizing that the pressure of life is so bad that many children may never discover talents and joys because they are too busy doing what is expected - AP everything so they can get into ivy league schools and make big bucks. I want my children to pursue knowledge and give their best effort to all that they do - but I don't want to so overstress them that they have no time for prayer to find out where God is leading them.
I remember how I want to understand other people - accept them as they are, etc. Why is it that I have the hardest time doing that for myself. I am not perfect, though I strive to follow God in my life. I'm not saying be wishy washy or not to strive for excellence - but do forgive yourself, be gentle with yourself and accept your limits. God gave these children here to us and somehow we will be equipped to do what He calls us to do. This may not mean what we think it does. And our children do survive our foibles.
Keep everything in perspective. My primary responsibilites are as wife and mother - only after this are they academic teacher. I get real uptight when this gets turned upside down (it usually means I'm panicing trying to meet worldly standards rather than what might be right for the family).
Not every academic struggle is because you are a bad teacher or didn't get the right curriculum. Some things are just plain harder for some than others. Besides, that is really playing the blame game which doesn't help anyone. If Johnny is having trouble with math, then I have to look at what the trouble is and by spending some time with Johnny, we try to figure out the most efficient way for him to understand this troubling concept - and we give ourselves permission to take the time to do it. If I stay focused on what needs to be done instead of what isn't working - we make more progress with less stress.
Don't compare - avoid lists of what every child should know at ... Have an idea of the sequence of what is needed (base ten comes before carrying) and then move along at the pace suited to your child. In elementary I don't even pay attention to grade level - they do what they need to do based on where they are. I sometimes have to ask my administrator - now what grade would Johnny be in this year in ps so I can fill out the forms
AT the beginning of the year I write out main goals for each child - these include spiritual, personal and academic. I try to focus on what each child's strengths and weaknesses are. Then at the Feb./March time when we are tempted to look at what we have not accomplished, I pull out my list of goals and see what has already been accomplished. Most of the time there may be workbook pages, books to read and essays to write still on my to do list - but most of the time, I've found that we have achieved our most important goals and we can relax a bit more. For some of my children, the most important goal has been to de-stress and give them time to pursue some very important things of their own. If we see the need for break time in the near future and lists of my ambitious ideas that seem like they will never end. We remember - mom is overambitious and we start cutting with a vengeance. I may have one child focusing mostly on spelling and math for a quarter and someone else on writing. The key is that the parent and child do not feel it is failure when you cut - it is wisdom and since I expect to do it every year, it isn't failure to me! If my children are strong in something, they can do some more self-directed learning in that area while I focus on guiding the area of weakness. We don't have to do it all every year. I will get adament if children are avoiding a distasteful subject and insist we finish this (or find another way to accomplish the same thing if the method is the problem).
I really do not worry about younger grades - we have short time in basics and whatever we do, is what we do. I expect more from my highschoolers - but if they are super strong writers/readers and we thought we were going to write upteen billion papers in history, lit, theology, etc., I know we'll decide on a few to do for the rest of the year and wrap it up so we have time to focus on that Biology that was really giving us fits.
I also do not mind switching curriculums even at the end - but only if it is well thought out, prayed about, discussed with the child and with a few other people who can help me gain perspective while I'm in the midst of the fray. We just revamped science in 3rd quarter - but now dd is really learning (thanks MacBeth) and we'll get done when we get done and when she gets done, I'll give her a Biology credit.
I also second and third the comments about being realistic in needs of the child and the time demands on the parent. I have used WRR - but it is terribly parent intensive. If my child doesn't seem to have trouble in spelling - CHC spellers are fine or just spelling from written work (something low stress and not much need of mom) but I will try to make the time for it for a child that is really in need (I just have to recognize that I cannot do 6 different mom intensive things with 6 different children).
I also need to give toddlers first time and tend to work youngest to oldest. Some of my olders work almost exclusively on their own - coming to me when they have something to share, to talk about or need help with. We have plenty of informal discussion in the car, at night, at the dinner table.
I have to accept teaching/learning styles in my family. I've also learned that group teaching is just exhausting for me - and I do it very, very poorly. I do not function except one on one so group learning happens in our house accidently when siblings discuss and draw each other in - It is never mom led except read alouds. I also am a bookish person so projects are also child directed (I make sure to have a wide variety of materials on hand and lots of idea books - but I'd never be able to design a unit study). I used to sweat about stuff like that cause my kids would miss out on all the "fun" part of learning. I hated projects as a kid so why I thought that was the key to fun learning, I'll never figure - peer pressure, I suppose. Anyways, I thought that the solution to my science handicap was to get them textbooks to follow - better than nothing, until we found out that one dd is totally unable to comprehend anything from a textbook - even in fields she loves. OK, we have to ditch the science text.
Consult experts where you need to. It is a misnomer that homeschooling means doing everything all by yourself! If I really cannot provide something very well, and if it is essential, then a door will open somewhere if I look for it. If a door doesn't open, then it wasn't essential this year.
Maybe this is a longwinded way of saying what Helen did - live in the moment and look at what you have accomplished instead of what you haven't.
Janet
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asplendidtime
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Thankyou all. Janet, I really got so much from you post. I have only been homeschooling for three years now, but already so close to quitting because of being overambitious....
My ambitions never seem to match my reality, I don't ever seem to account for the fact of having 7 small children  . Then I make myself really unhappy, soon I feel like I am spinning wheels in the mud. Thankyou for the good advice.
Peace of Christ,
Rebecca ~Mom to 7 under 9!
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Meredith
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There is so much good information here, I'm sure I'm only repeating what others have already said. For us, the factors that always ring true for a given year, is that less is alwasy more as it allows for more creative thinking on my dc's part and more enjoyment knowing that we don't have to fit it all in if we don't want to. I know ahead of time what we need for grade levels for example in Math or Reading, but even those are loose requirements.
My main ingredient for sanity is prayer and lots of discussion with my dh 
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Meredith
Mom of 4 Sweeties
Sweetness and Light
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Nina Murphy
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Has discipline been discussed yet? I'm sure it has but I'll throw this in as I have been hit over the head with it as of late----the cruciality of confidence in our God-given authority.
And limiting screen time and media of any kind.
I've had a resurgence of confidence lately (perhaps due to Lenten reading and maybe, just maybe, some awesome ladies' prayers!?) in terms of my role as the parent and the children's place as the children in the family. They should obey and respect and follow directions, and it is JUST that we expect them to--the talking back and "BUT!"s-- --are so draining and counter-productive to the mission/vision of the family. They need to "be available" to respond (without too many "privileges" or techno distractions) when called upon or asked to do something. In other words, a simpler life around the house so they can be happy, not whining, in their fulfillment of duties. I think they need to be freed up so they can be happy with simpler things. I need to constantly meditate on this.
Self-discipline and a regular routine for me, expected right-away obedience from the children, DAILY spiritual reading and meditation on what is True, keeping in touch with other women who understand and build up; and not loading up with too many academic expectations or even "extras" with overly ambitious and creative lesson planning. That is what is necessary to make this homeschooling lifestyle possible for MOI!
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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Tina P.
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Nina Murphy wrote:
Has discipline been discussed yet? I'm sure it has but I'll throw this in as I have been hit over the head with it as of late----the cruciality of confidence in our God-given authority.
And limiting screen time and media of any kind.
I've had a resurgence of confidence lately (perhaps due to Lenten reading and maybe, just maybe, some awesome ladies' prayers!?) in terms of my role as the parent and the children's place as the children in the family. They should obey and respect and follow directions, and it is JUST that we expect them to--the talking back and "BUT!"s-- --are so draining and counter-productive to the mission/vision of the family. They need to "be available" to respond (without too many "privileges" or techno distractions) when called upon or asked to do something. In other words, a simpler life around the house so they can be happy, not whining, in their fulfillment of duties. I think they need to be freed up so they can be happy with simpler things. I need to constantly meditate on this.
Self-discipline and a regular routine for me, expected right-away obedience from the children, DAILY spiritual reading and meditation on what is True, keeping in touch with other women who understand and build up; and not loading up with too many academic expectations or even "extras" with overly ambitious and creative lesson planning. That is what is necessary to make this homeschooling lifestyle possible for MOI! |
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So true, Nina. And I have one particular child in whom Satan's ugly head is rearing. I wonder sometimes if he bucks the system so much because we expect too much out of HIM. Too many chores? Too much schoolwork? Too many outside activities?
He *is,* after all, the oldest. But he shares his younger sister's grade level (if you want to call it that). He often does less than what is expected or the bare minimum, even chore-wise and even after profuse praises for jobs well done. Do I just have to accept that he is not mature enough to handle what, even according how I see my own children handling life and work and school, other kids can easily handle? It's frustrating because I *know* what he can do. I've seen glimpses of it here and there (thus the profuse praises). And his brothers and sisters seem to do whatever it is they have to do without so much grumbling and anger. They get a little pat on the back and with that, they are satisfied. For some reason, the other kids realize that they are part of a family and share in the responsibilities of the family. He just figures he's king of all the world.  He's 12, will be 13 in July. He's a good kid ... sometimes. He just seems to have larger curves of temperment and longer stays in the valleys than the rest of my kids.
It's so hard not to compare kids, especially when they're among your own!
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Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
Mary's Muse
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trish
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Ditto on the limiting media influences.
In my house when too much 'computer' or even 'movie' time happens .... grouchy kids 'happen'. Too much to me is not enough to them
My dad said to me once: 'Because you homeschool and live out in the country satan can't use the normal route to corrupt your kids. He'll try to get at them through other less obvious and subtle means.'
Makes sense to me.
Tina, my ds 15 went through a period like that too. He's finally getting to the point where he has more glimmers of goodness than the bad. He was craving 'friends', more time from the family etc. We never really caved in but gave him a little space and explained why we live the way we do to him. (more than once. He tends to forget ) More praise too. I think now that he's maturing (slowly) it's starting to make sense to him. Although with this particular ds the radio is his bad influence. I'm constantly battling that one. But I try to be subtle. Lots of prayer!!! and reinforcement of why something isn't good for him. With him he needs to think things through for himself. I just hope he comes to the same conclusion his father and I have come to.
Trish
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Nina Murphy
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Oh, Trish...sounds like you have a great dad on your side!
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Tina....oh, how I know. !!!!!  You do the same things for them, use the same methods, and things just don't "work". I think it's def. God's Will that certain attentions be put into figuring out what that child's "problem is" (if you know what I mean) and not just let this challenging biology/temperament take over the household. Everything seems to be colored by even this ONE dominant personality in a huge houseful of people, doesn't it? I am centering on one particular child right now and the 150% parenting that I have to put in for her, hour after hour, as opposed to the 75-80% I *could* get away with the others.  And not let her get swept under the rug or solidify in these bad attitudes/tendencies/behaviors. It's not easy!!!! 
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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amyable
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Nina Murphy wrote:
I think it's def. God's Will that certain attentions be put into figuring out what that child's "problem is" (if you know what I mean) and not just let this challenging biology/temperament take over the household. Everything seems to be colored by even this ONE dominant personality in a huge houseful of people, doesn't it? I am centering on one particular child right now and the 150% parenting that I have to put in for her, hour after hour, as opposed to the 75-80% I *could* get away with the others. And not let her get swept under the rug or solidify in these bad attitudes/tendencies/behaviors. It's not easy!!!!
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All I can say is, SAME HERE! I come on to this forum *many* times about to ask for help regarding this particular child, and chicken out most of the time because I know I need such detailed help (as in "tell me everything you would say and do in these 10 situations ) that it's just not proper message board material!
But the poor child is 95% of the reasons for my burnout.
__________________
Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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Nina Murphy
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| Posted: April 13 2007 at 4:11pm | IP Logged
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Oh, Amy:
You have a great sense of humor.
We want to:  but we have to: .
(Post! by the way...who knows what little seed of help someone will plant that will bloom later in your consciousness!)
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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asplendidtime
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Amy,
I have one of those too! I don't mention it, because there would be too many things to say... I wonder if anyone would really like to hear about it. He is harder than all my other 6 put together.
__________________
Rebecca~Mama to
Noah 17,
Katie 16,
Mary 14,
Tim 13,
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Josh 10,
Zoe 9,
Will 7,
Peter 6,
Laura-Mae 4,
Emily-Joy 2,
Genevieve & Gabriella 1
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ALmom
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I think the biggest thing is a continual discernment - when to come down hard, when to recognize an unmet need (one that isn't been expressed normally), etc. How many times do we get mad at the child, only to discover it was just the moment we should have been understanding - or vice versa. (And then we generally have to remember to forgive ourselves, too. I remember coming down hard on a child who had begun a habit of sneaking sweets and then refusing dinner so I insisted on dinner being eaten - only to discover the child had the flu that time and was not sneaking sweets :s] .
I always have to discern when we are looking at ditching something - is this a child who has been attempting to do their best and is faced with unreasonable quantity or a ill fitting approach or something beyond their ability or is this an avoidance technique to see how little I can get away with because I really would rather ... or am I just allowing total lack of discipline (Ie the child cannot get work done because they stay up all night reading for fun, sleep till 1 and then cannot concentrate because the littles are all playing loudly by then). These are never clear cut judgements in our house (and sometimes its a mixed bag so we have to address both things at once) and always require much prayerful discernment at our house - and a lot of honest discussion.
This is compounded if you are dealing with any special needs or learning struggles (as there is often very little information on these - and even a great deal of uncertainty about diagnosis and a great deal of conflicting - you must do it this way or else your child will never overcome x) - as you don't want to make excuses for your child, but neither do you want to be unreasonable or provoke your child to anger (or meltdown or whatever).
There isn't a blue print for every given moment - but we do have the graces that spring directly from the Sacrament of Matrimony. As long as we rely on this, we figure it out and find our way. When I try to rely on myself, other opinion, etc., I'm usually flat on my face. (Doesn't mean we don't consult and weigh information - just that there is a lot of prayer and relying on that grace whether it goes with "expert opinion" or not).
We try to address whatever misbehavior (even if math is frustrating Johnny, he is not allowed to sling his book across the room) while also trying to discern or discover the real, underlying problems that contribute to this misbehavior and quietly reallign things in our house so as to avoid the near occassions of sin (ie Johnny can be instructed how to come for assistance before getting to that point, a new book/approach may be in order, maybe everyone needs down time ...). None of this is clear cut - and I find it very difficult as I like things "under control and predictable" but I'm learning (slowly) to let go and try to look at each incident and child with love and prayer instead of going on an emotional roller coaster.
Janet
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tracym
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What nice advice to read and to see people who are in similar situations. I also struggle with many of these issues. One reason why my husband was not sure if we should homeschool next year is because I also have one child who takes up so much of my time but we are now in the process of discovering his needs and getting outside help. Now it seems like homeschooling is still the best option(I am so glad because now my dh is more for it again also). The biggest cause of my burnout at times is because of the struggles with him. We are now taking a step back and reassessing what we need to do. I love the statements of how every family is unique and how that would apply to homeschooling. It is comforting to read that I am not the only one to have these concerns and wonder what to do.
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Tracy M- mom to Allen 12, Laura 9, Joeseph 7, and Anthony 4
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Helen
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| Posted: March 14 2008 at 4:21pm | IP Logged
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It's March again and I've been thinking about this thread from last year. I'm not burnt out this year and it never, ever occured to me last year that a newborn baby is a wonderful way to avoid homeschool burnout in March.
My little daughter's face is like the summer sun shining all day long.
It also helped to have a year of Homeschool Austerity.
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Ave Maria!
Mom to 5 girls and 3 boys
Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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julia s.
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| Posted: March 14 2008 at 4:36pm | IP Logged
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Helen wrote:
It also helped to have a year of Homeschool Austerity. |
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Helen,
I'm so glad this year has been better and I'm even more tickled with your growing family.
I was kind of wondering what you meant by this comment. I'm sorry if I'm just not remembering a previous conversation -- I've got sever mommy brain right now .
God bless you.
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julia
married to love of her life
with ds12 ds8 ds3 and ds1
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4Real Forums : Living Learning
Topic: Plan for next year: No Burnout
