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teachingmyown
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Ladies,
I am looking for any and all thoughts, experiences, feelings , etc about military academies for high school boys.
I am at my wit's end. I have no energy left to deal with my other children. And I am very discouraged.
We had decided that a military academy would be the best place for Charlie, away from the distractions of girls, music, peer pressure to have more stuff, etc. We want him to have a chance to focus academically and compete in competitive sports. We would really miss him and it would leave a hole in our family, but we felt that our sacrifice would be worth it to provide him with a better future.
We went and visited one that looked really good on paper and on their website. We were very disappointed. The place was shabby, the cadets less than impressive and the admissions guy was condescending at best. We even walked into an eating area during our tour to see a group of cadets sitting around watching rap videos!  This is the stuff we are trying to get away from. Our son was very impressed. 
We are at a loss. Many have supported this idea, but others have expressed concerns. One concern being that Charlie would feel as though we were getting rid of him. ANother concern is that putting him in a place where perhaps a majority of the boys don't want to be, that he will only be influenced by the negativity and turn out more angry.
An important factor in all of this is that Charlie is not my husband's biological child. We were married when Charlie was four and my dh adopted him. He has never met his bio-dad. I feel that perhaps this has had an impact on the way Charlie behaves and that if we did send him away, he might feel that this is why.
We have met with our pastor, who after ruling out just about every option (homeschool, public, small Catholic, boarding) left us only with the advice to pray. Thanks! He is a great guy, really, and is as perplexed as we are.
This kid is not a bad kid, not yet anyway. He is unmotivated, lazy, lacking in any sense of honor or integrity. He is willing to break rules to get what he wants and claims to see no problem with it. Needless to say, he fits in great at public school. We want so much more for him and we need to protect the innocence of his six younger siblings as much as we can.
We are struggling just to keep on track with Seton until we come to some conclusion. I am burnt out and short-tempered with everyone. Public school is the easy answer and I am trying to remind myself why we took him out.
Sorry this is so long. I am open to any words of advice. Do not worry about hurting my feelings or stepping on any toes. You all have been of immeasurable help to me over the years.
And please, keep praying.
__________________
In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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momwise
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Dear Molly,
I was wondering how the meeting with the priest went. I know how exhausted you are feeling. I wish I could give more than my prayers and sympathy, I really do. I can't even say there is anything that will open Charlie's eyes so to speak. God's grace will be sufficient for you and I will keep praying hard.
I know that while you are in the midst of this trial it will hard to see, but continued heavy use of the sacraments and sacramentals will ease the way for everyone. Gather your other dc around and lay your hands on each other and just ask the Holy Spirit to pour out His healing graces and really sink into that peace that He will bring to all of you. Will Charlie come pray with you all (keep praying your Rosary but try these spontaneous prayers when the stress level gets to you all) or let you lay hands on him and pray for him?
I am really sorry to hear the school isn't that great but glad that God is showing His will in that decision.
__________________
Gwen...wife for 30 years, mom of 7, grandma of 3.....
"If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." JPII
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teachingmyown
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Thank you Gwen.
After I finished writing that post, I really broke down. I find myself questioning it all, large families, homeschooling, struggling to rise above the sin and materialism that surrounds us. I am looking around me at all those other families and it looks so easy and this is so hard.
I will try to pray harder, but I feel so empty. Please pray for me. 
__________________
In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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Paula in MN
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Molly:
I will be praying for you and your family as you struggle with this load. My brother went to a Catholic military school all through high school. In his junior year he became a drug dealer and user. In his 4th year of a Catholic men's college he went to a foreign country and joined a cult. We didnt hear from him for almost 10 years. He has been back in this country since 1996 and is back to being a wonderful brother, father, husband, and Catholic.
I'm not telling you this to scare you. It is just that not every solution is for everyone. God will show you what your family needs to do.
__________________
 Paula
A Catholic Harvest
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Cay Gibson
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Molly,
I'm not so sure military school would be the complete answer. Perhaps it might be and it's certainly worth a try. Many factors would have to fall into place for you to get the end result you want.
I'm perplexed with your situation as well and wish I could help more than just prayers.
One thought is to have him read some bio books on the heros of 9-11/Flight 93:
Fighting Back
Your Father's Voice
Let's Roll
These are a few books that might help develop in him a "sense of honor and integrity".
I think a good, solid mentor would do the trick since he's at an impressionable age.
__________________
Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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Taffy
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My boys are much younger than Charlie so take what I say with a grain of salt...
I like Cay's idea of finding a good mentor for Charlie. Does he have any passions? Any interests at all?
I remember my brother going through a stage like this. He is 6 years my junior so I wasn't home for a lot of this rough period. But, I truly believe that a large part of my brother's issues were due to a low feeling of self-worth. There were a lot of reasons for this which I won't get into.
One thing that helped him was to be given more responsibility and being allowed to fail. That's overly simplistic so I'll provide an example... My family home was heated with a wood burning furnace. Every spring through fall, my dad would head out into the bush and stock up on firewood. He would take my brother along. Together, they would work hard and get rid of some frustrations. My brother was outside in the fresh air and away from a lot of the damaging distractions (of which there are PLENTY in my hometown). He developed some confidence in his ability to work hard and this helped temper his feelings of failure with academic/school work. And he was able to be himself. Sadly, this was countered by a lot of negativity from my father as he was a troubled man. But, I do know that when they were out in the bush, working hard, positive things happened.
Is Charlie able to get a lot of exercise? Physically demanding work is really good for building self worth and getting rid of frustrations. I sense that you feel part of Charlie's problems are due to a sense of abandonment from his biological father. You can't compensate for this and neither can your husband. This is something that Charlie will have to work through himself as you've no doubt already figured out.
I live in "ranch country" where there are plenty of opportunities for a young man to be out in the outdoors with limited distractions and plenty of hard work. Maybe he could go on a mentor program with the local fire department or paramedics? Maybe being exposed to the consequences of poor choices will help him out?
I'm sorry I can't offer anything more concrete for you. You have my prayers.
__________________
Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
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Angie Mc
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Molly, I'm going to be praying on this and will run your situation past my dh. Maybe he will know of some options. I sure want to help.
Please don't look back with a bunch of what-ifs. It's a spiritual trap. Hold onto Hope, friend.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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StephanieA
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Dear Molly,
I can relate a bit with you situation, because I am struggling to keep my oldest on the right track right now. I seriously take one day at a time and that is all I can handle. Highly resist comparison with other families, but darn it, that oldest child can set such an example AND set the tone around the house. It's scary and humbling.
If I were you, I would look into St. Gregory's Academy in Pennsylvania. We briefly checked out a military school near where we live (it was supposedly Catholic too) and were sorely disappointed. No way, Hosea, would I send my kid there. It was a place that parents send their troubled kids...ummm. But there is no way Charlie is as troubled as what he will/might experience there - unless you really know the reputation of the school and truly like what you see.
I know several strong, Catholic, large families who swear by St. Gregory's and what it has done for their high school boys. We live so far from Pennsylvania that it became a non-option. But the boys I personally know that have attended are mannerly, respectful, and academically-challenged.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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StephanieA
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<<<others have expressed concerns. One concern being that Charlie would feel as though we were getting rid of him. >>>>
One thought about this: your approach. Stress the positives, not even mentioning why you might be doing this, if possible. We had a situation with our oldest last week who has had his own cell phone for several months (we don't own one), but he had no credit rating to sign up for his plan. Therefore, he used ours and it's in our names. Well, he has been late on payments several times. Rather than telling him that he is off our account because he is messing with our credit rating (we told him this at the onset), we are telling him he must get his own account (which will require a $500 deposit) to build his OWN credit. At first he balked, said most kid's parents bought them cell phones, etc. but after repeating how important it is to get your own credit, he finally is resigned, and that it may actually be a good thing. Never mind that the REAL reason is that he is being a bit irresponsible about getting his payments there on time.
So stressing the academics, the sports, etc. and the comraderie is better than even mentioning that his behavior is less than stellar.
I was truly skeptical about Seton for Charlie, but never mentioned anything in hopes that it would work out. But most truly unmotivated children are not going to jump to the work of a correspondence course. There simply is not enough pressure or support. Been there, done that. What 1/2 way works is a community college course or part-time enrollment in college (even one class), or even a Vocation-technical course. However, even this didn't totally motivate my oldest 2 boys. It helped, but it isn't the perfect solution. But it is getting us through. Maturity is the solution and you have wait too long for that
If there was a St. Gregory's close to us, I would most likely have sent at least 2 of our 3 high schooled boys there as a day student. My oldest said that his greatest regret in high school was not competing in numerous sports. He had competitive swimming, but it was SO intense (4-5 hours a day) that it took the "fun" out of it by junior year and his coach changed. The new coach was basically a poor role model (read- immoral). Some guys, I think, need this comraderie. I am trying to address this with our 3rd son by enrolling him in church league basketball and trying to secure a tutor for next semester. Correspondence courses just don't fill that true need of motivation. School is not an option here, but tempting on certain days....but truly not a viable option for us.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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jackiemomof7
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I second the idea of St. Gregory's academy. I know the priest who is over the boys right now and he is wonderful!!! He is a really great priest who understands boys. I wish we lived closer to for if we did I would have sent my 2 oldest there. I too have known of some boys who really needed a guiding hand and their parents were able to send them to St. Gregory's and it has been a God send to them. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
God bless,
I am sure Father would talk to you over the phone and give you any advice you need to help make the decision of sending him there. His name is Fr. Longua.
__________________
Jackie wife to Jim for 27!! years, proud army mom of Chris(25),Chef Matthew(24) and Sister Grace of Benedectines (21),Joshua(19),Nicholas(17),Jaymee(15), Elizabeth(13) and 2 in Heaven.Grandma to 3!
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momtomany
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I just wanted to add that you could PM Margot Helene from this board and ask her about St Gregory's. Her dh teaches there, so I'm sure that she'd be happy to answer any questions.
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Mary Ann in PA
wife to MIchael, mom to Elizabeth, Becca, Tim, Peter, Andrew, Sarah, Matthew, John, Leah and Joseph
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Ruth
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Dear Molly, you'll be in our prayers.
__________________
Ruth
mom to 7 miracles
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jdostalik
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Molly,
I'm praying for you and Charlie and your whole precious family...hang in there...
__________________
God Bless,
Jennifer in TX
wife to Bill, mom to six here on earth and eight in heaven.
Let the Little Ones Come
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Willa
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teachingmyown wrote:
| After I finished writing that post, I really broke down. I find myself questioning it all, large families, homeschooling, struggling to rise above the sin and materialism that surrounds us. I am looking around me at all those other families and it looks so easy and this is so hard. |
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AH, Molly, it isn't really that easy. I am sure that if some families seem to have it easy, it is a facade or that God tempered the wind to the shorn lamb -- made their trials lighter because He knew they could not endure as well. Or maybe they have already experienced their trials and He is giving them a respite, or their burdens are yet to come. But I don't think He really gives anyone a total break who is really walking in His way, since it's the Way of the Cross.
God doesn't want a perfect facade -- He hated that in the Pharisees -- He wants an offering of inadequacy and brokenness, so He can show his strength perfectly through our weakness, so He can illuminate the broken vessel with His grace. Sorry to go all Biblical and preachy on you, but I really believe this is the gospel message and it is what keeps me going through the difficult times.
I don't have any thoughts on military schools except that I think you were very perceptive in noting that they are often "last resorts" to keep boys out of JD and your son is not there. That is not him or you. You are looking for something better for him, not simply trying to keep him out of something even worse.
Catholic boarding school would seem like a better option, or one of those ranch or outward-bound type programs; where he can get an outlet for his energy and be inspired for the future, not perpetuate anger and keep spinning his wheels.
But there's always the other option of just plugging on and praying and "doing what you are doing", as your pastor says. I know I've had some longterm prayer intentions concerning my older sons; one got answered in an indirect way over the long term and one is still pending as far as I am aware. Sometimes God wants us to keep stumbling on and falling and getting up again. I'm just pointing out that this is another option, not saying it's the one I think is best.
Edited to add that I pray for you and Charlie every single day. I think you are doing wonderful things probably without even knowing it.
__________________
AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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Elizabeth
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There's one in Maine, I think. My mom told me about it because several kids from PVI have gone there with great success. The name evades me (big surprise, there) but my mother is due to arrive momentarily and I'll ask about it.
__________________
Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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teachingmyown
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WJFR wrote:
[QUOTE=teachingmyown] After I finished writing that post, I really broke down. I find myself questioning it all, large families, homeschooling, struggling to rise above the sin and materialism that surrounds us. I am looking around me at all those other families and it looks so easy and this is so hard.
AH, Molly, it isn't really that easy. I am sure that if some families seem to have it easy, it is a facade or that God tempered the wind to the shorn lamb -- made their trials lighter because He knew they could not endure as well. Or maybe they have already experienced their trials and He is giving them a respite, or their burdens are yet to come. But I don't think He really gives anyone a total break who is really walking in His way, since it's the Way of the Cross.
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When I said that some families have it "easy" I certainly wasn't talking about those of us who have embraced our Faith and all that comes with that commitment, whether that means a large family that seems more than we can handle, or a small family when we pine for more, homeschooling or struggling to send our kids to a school that will strenghten their faith, medical issues, moral issues, etc.
I am talking about the families that I encounter out in the world, especially those on my own street that I drive by daily. These are the two kid, one dog, SUV, ATV, in-ground pool families with the picture-perfect Christmas decorations.
I know it is never as easy as it looks and even those families have their crosses, probably crosses they can't even identify, like an emptiness despite all their toys. However, their lives are easier on a daily basis than ours. Simple logistics if nothing else! 
When I am still and reflective I know I have something they don't (no, not the 12-pass van!  ), but I do admit that I fall into that comparison trap too often.
Thanks for the reminder Willa. I am in awe of you and many of the ladies here who deal with large crosses for years at a time. God knows what I need to grow and submit my will to His. I cannot imagine how I would handle more than the small thorns He has chosen for me.
Sorry for the deviation from topic. It all ties together though!
__________________
In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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teachingmyown
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I don't want to open an ugly can of worms, but I did a search for St Gregory's on google and came up with some awful stuff about the school. It looked like those making allegations were legitimate sources, not just someone ith an axe to grind.
Obviously, this is scary. The idea of sending a child away from home is hard enough without worries for his safety. 
Elizabeth, if you think this isn't the place to discuss this, I understand. I just thought it should at least be put out there.
__________________
In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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Rebecca
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Molly, I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you and for Charlie.
Love,
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Elizabeth
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teachingmyown wrote:
Elizabeth, if you think this isn't the place to discuss this, I understand. I just thought it should at least be put out there. |
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If not here, then where? I think it is scary. I also think that asking about boarding schools is just as legitimate as asking the reuptation of colleges. Keep asking Molly and we'll keep praying. There has to be a good solution somewhere.
__________________
Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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jackiemomof7
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Wow, I never knew of those things. I have only known of St. Gregory for the last year. Fr. Longua left our parish a year ago to go there. And I do trust him. There is always ugliness hidden somewhere. I am so sorry. We will keep praying for your family.
God bless,
__________________
Jackie wife to Jim for 27!! years, proud army mom of Chris(25),Chef Matthew(24) and Sister Grace of Benedectines (21),Joshua(19),Nicholas(17),Jaymee(15), Elizabeth(13) and 2 in Heaven.Grandma to 3!
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4Real Forums : High School Years and Beyond
Topic: Military schools
