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10 Bright Stars
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| Posted: March 13 2015 at 10:02am | IP Logged
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Sorry to hear you are struggling. You have been a great source of inspiration for so many years; know that you are probably doing better than you think! I have a few "energetic" and even a couple of "sassies" as well.  (One of my twin's nicknames, when she tends to get sassy, is Sassafras.  as in the tree.) Anyway, I have found with my more "active" learners, as we will call them, that having them do seated work is often a challenge. I have noticed that if I switch gears just a little, such as letting them each have a white board marker to write their math problems on the board, then copy the answer to their math books, COMPLETELY changes their attitude. They get to stand, be active, and then think the markers are cool as I do not usually let them just have free access to them. Also, when they were learning to read, I had little reading cards (index, but pre-written words) with things like "the" "cat" "at" etc. on them. The older kids would have fun making up silly sentences for them to attempt to read. They would stand and point with their toe to the word cards the older kids had placed in a sentence for them on the floor. I would have thought this "annoying" in my earlier years, but with the twins, I allowed it as something seemed to "click" when they used their whole body to learn. (They are EXTREMELY acrobatic/physically gifted kids as far as doing flips, climbing trees like monkeys and even teaching themselves to snowboard with an old snowboard someone gave us. They HAVE to move! People have even made note of their uncanny physical abilities.) So, using their whole person in some way, while NOT in keeping with my "schoolish" idea of behavior, it has been really helpful to them, and also lets them focus as their bodies are involved in the learning activity in some way that I have not quite figured out yet! I would get some attitude from especially the "sassier" twin when she was confined to only the school desk. Now, having said that, I do WORK on getting them to learn to sit still as that is a skill that will need to acquire to live "in the real world", but I think maybe working around the different learning style would be helpful, especially if you think it may just be a maturity issue. Also, how about learning games? Again, an investment, but cheaper than clothes and tuition for school. (I am thinking Melissa and Doug style things, but perhaps tanagrams, independent style board games, even things like Starfall.com or ABCmouse online.
I also have a 4 year old who is prone to being defiant "by nature", but I have learned to sort of work around his problem as he is getting older and maturing. I do tend to try to divert his attention or get him thinking about something else. I think sometimes kids like this get something in their heads, they begin having a tantrum, and then, due to their age and lack of maturity, can't find the "exit" so to speak in their minds to get out of the tantrum. So, help them find that exit but saying something as they are just sitting their screaming, "Oh, I think it may be time for a yogurt. You sound like you may be getting hungry. Yes, I think that sounds nice for you", and then get up and ignore them and start to get the yogurt, or a coloring book, or a book to read, a toy they enjoy or just look at a bird out the window, "WOW! What the heck is that? Look at the really big, red bird! You have GOT to come and see this!" I would have considered this "poor parenting" in my earlier years when I saw the defiance as a discipline issue, but I think sometimes kids just don't know HOW to deal with their overwhelming emotions now that I am a more "seasoned" parent.  With my son Joe, he will usually respond to this sort of thing, and will soon forget what he was having a major fit about. If this does not work, I have found that a "time out" IS actually very productive for a child like this. I will just tell Joe to go and sit on my bed until he is done crying and screaming. He will just walk up to my room, crying and hollering all the way up the stairs. I will say, "Just come back when you are done screaming and feel better." He will put himself on my bed, cry for a bit, and then will come downstairs on his own volition, possibly be still angry about something, but if I just say, "Oh, that is sad. Sorry you are mad about that", give him a hug, and then he goes and plays. A lot less stressful then trying to have some big showdown! I am too old for that!
Also, boredom or feeling "left out" can also be an issue. You mentioned focusing on the older two out of necessity. I COMPLETELY understand that as I had a strangely over the top, gives me shivers to still think of it, level of morning sickness with my last sweet little baby. WOW! Doing school was like climbing Mt. Everest for me, and we really did get behind, even with husband helping. So, this year has felt like catching up in a very stressful way! I think that I have to remind myself that while it IS very important to do school with the older children, this is a great time to start instilling in them the virtue of "self-reliance". Be positive about how excited you are for them to start taking a more active roll in organizing their school work and getting it done on their own. Come up with rewards if that is necessary for your children, but praise from a parent can also be a big incentive for pulling their own weight when it comes to some of the things in school they can do on their own. (For example, I kept reading out loud to my two oldest boys for probably TOO long in the game. Reading to themselves would have been better in the long run as it would have helped them SEE sentence structures and things like that, rather than just listening to my reading to them. I always was afraid of them NOT reading, so I read to them.) The younger kids kids really DO need more of our molding and attention as they are still developing at such a rapid pace. I think I tended to always "grow with the kids who I had first started homeschooling", and you almost just keep moving up the stream with them, and then the little ones have to run to catch up with that group and may, as a result, feel a little left out. So, little kid FIRST for school, then the olders. The olders will have to grow and change, and this will be good for them, even though they may not like it at first. Be positive about it, instead of saying things about, "Mommy just can't handle it, or there is only so much of me to go around etc"
Anyway, good luck to you and "here's to your health!" Hoping it improves!
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Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
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10 Bright Stars
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| Posted: March 13 2015 at 10:29am | IP Logged
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I just saw the title of your post and had to chuckle, but remember as far as raising saints, "Never surrender" came to mind.
__________________
Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
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SeaStar
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| Posted: March 13 2015 at 1:02pm | IP Logged
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Jenn-
From Crystal at the Money Saving Mom website, talking about things her family will splurge on:
3. A Cleaning Lady
I fought against the idea of hiring a cleaning lady for a long, long time. It felt so extravagant and just plain wrong for a frugal person like me to spend their money on.
But Jesse kept on encouraging me to just consider it. Finally, after much coaxing from him, I broke down and tried it one time.
And I was hooked.
For many people, this might not be a wise investment of their money and I honestly hesitated to even put this out here publicly for awhile because I know that some people might be a little put off by it.
But here's the truth: Jesse and I both work 30-40 hours per week and we are committed to homeschooling our kids, so we're learning that we have to look for ways to streamline and simplify our lives if we want to have breathing room and margin.
Having a cleaning lady come in a few times per month saves us at least 15-20 hours each month. That's 15-20 hours we get back to invest in our kids, invest in our marriage, and maybe even to spend sleeping or just enjoying downtime!
When we divided the cost by the number of hours it saves us, we realized that it was very worth this expense for this season of life. Because we make a good income and because we found a cleaning service with good rates, it really only costs us a few hours of our time working to pay for the cleaning service each month. Right now in my life, I'm all about spending a few hours of time working in order to save 15-20 hours per month!
We still have to keep up the daily maintenance - and we all pitch in to help with laundry, pick up, bathrooms, kitchen cleaning, etc., but it's been incredibly helpful to have someone come in and clean our floors, dust, deep clean the shower/tubs/toilets, and clean our windows.
Just one more perspective for you 
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
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stellamaris
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| Posted: March 13 2015 at 1:27pm | IP Logged
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I absolutely second the idea of a cleaning person!! This has saved my own sanity more than once. Homeschooling is really a full time job, and if you have the resources to get help in areas like cleaning, running errands, etc., it will free you up tremendously.
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to  dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
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countrymom
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| Posted: March 13 2015 at 1:43pm | IP Logged
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when I could afford it, I hired a cleaning lady. It was wonderful! Now I dream and pray about how we can be mortgage free again so I can do things like hire a cleaning lady, go on overnight retreats with my husband, buy school books without worrying about using the money we have been saving to fix the car......
As for boys and difficulty...I have been there. I am still there That is why establishing good holy schools for boys is an important thing for the future of Catholic society. Sometimes boys just need a different environment. This is only my opinion based on my experience with 1 boy and 6 girls. I have no problem with girls, but the boy...man o Manischewitz!
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4 lads mom
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| Posted: March 13 2015 at 5:31pm | IP Logged
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Jenn, I’m so sorry....that is all so hard! I’ve been there in some ways with the kids’ medical issues. I’m praying for you!!
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Mom of four brave lads and one sweet lassie
Scenes From This and That
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stefoodie
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| Posted: March 13 2015 at 10:34pm | IP Logged
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Jenn, sorry, just seeing this now. haven't read any of the comments yet. just wanted to offer some encouragement and perspective from a mom who had a difficult child (started around 7-8) who is now 16 and is a most wonderful young man. it's been a long 8+ years, lots of tears, lots of prayer, lots of mental hair-pulling and head-banging  but i believe we're now past the worst.
hang in there. sending prayers!!
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stef
mom to five
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JennGM
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| Posted: March 14 2015 at 8:46am | IP Logged
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Kim, lots of nuggets that are very helpful, thank you!
And thanks all for the reassurance on the cleaning idea. Pray that my husband will be receptive when I propose this to him this weekend. He's taking me away to a B&B and fancy dinner for one night for my birthday. Looking forward to it!
Thanks again for all the prayers!
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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Elena
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Hi Jenn, I've read a lot of the comments and your replies. My oldest who is now 25 sounds a lot like your son. I guess I'd just add that putting your son will solve some problems - and it will bring other ones. You'll exchange some crosses, for other crosses. Such is life!
What helped me a lot was putting my boy into swimming. It just took the fight out of him and made him more pliable. We did that through high school and he did manage to graduate and is now employed as a paramedic, so something must have worked!
Hang in there!
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Elena
Wife to Peter, mom of many!
My Domestic Church
One Day at a Time
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3ringcircus
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I third or fourth the housecleaning help. It is a necessity around here. Some weeks I have to take the kind of medicine that makes me take afternoon naps. I simply can't stay awake. It has been tough to reconcile that with myself, but if I didn't the house would fall into a bottomless pit of disorder, and on top of that it would be tough to get the schooling done.
For phonics, we use Looney Tunes phonics and Click n' Kids phonics. I can't say how wonderful it is since my eldest likely has dyslexia and my second is 7, but this 7yo never balks at doing it, which is nice since it leaves me more time for other activities with him. And he certainly has his own ideas of how things should go. Also, he is a super perfectionist, and if he says, "no!" it likely means he's afraid that he'll fail so he doesn't want to try. Sheesh, I need a code book for this one!
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Christine
Mom to my circus of boys: G-1/06, D-1/04, S-4/10
Started HS in Fall'12
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knowloveserve
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I've been reading all this without comment until now because it strikes so close to home that I feel like I'd be the kettle offering the pot advice.
But I do have a couple notes:
Regarding putting your child in school:
If needed, this is not an admission of defeat in any way. It is a wise mom doing what she thinks is best to help a child thrive and to save the sanity of her own self.
However, there is one very important thing to consider when making this difficult decision. If you are discerning it with God and don't feel like you are getting a clear answer (like me... who wishes God would speak in neon signs, but alas, I'm left to speculate what He wants...), there is something that will help.
All the spiritual masters and most recently Fr. Timothy Gallagher in one of his excellent books, talk about the importance of when you are making a choice.
Make sure you are discerning when you are in a spirit of CONSOLATION—i.e., your spirit is stable and you are able to accurately assess your family goals and have a focused plan and prayer life.
NEVER, make a significant decision when you are in a spirit of DESOLATION—!!! The devil uses anxiety and depression and defeatedness to fog up our brains and cause us to veer from the path we had once discerned. In desolation, we are supposed to not change anything. (major life decisions anyway)
Anyway, his books offer a lot more insight on the process of discernment, but I found this tremendously helpful.
So when I have weeks, upon months, upon ENTIRE school years of DESOLATION... I remind myself not to jump to the trigger of throwing the kids back in school (I tried it for half a year... and effectively just traded some problems for other ones.). In desolation now, I do my best to simplify, simplify, simplify... focus on love.
My children are not learning Shakespeare and Latin right now. My IEW program sits idle on my shelf, much to my shame. I have to be okay with that. I have to read all my enabling unschooly literature to feel better. We do morning basket, Life of Fred and some copywork and dictation. That's it. I can't muster anything else. My house is a wreck. (Dh, did give the ok to seek out a housecleaner some time ago... and I plan to do that this week!!! I hope that helps!)
Meanwhile, my oldest will be a teenager this year and I'm tempted to recoil at the thought of how much he doesn't know yet, and his character flaws that are starting to sharpen to a fine point, Kyrie eleison... but then I have to trust. Trust. Trust. Surrender. Surrender. Surrender. Love.
With a double-trouble team of a 3 and 5 year old, and the neediest 1 year old I've ever had... I've been in survival mode all year. Desolation. But as far as I can tell, until I get some space to breathe and assess and be consoled by God, I will keep plugging along. This too shall pass.
He asks for faithfulness, not success.
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Ellie
The Bleeding Pelican
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SeaStar
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| Posted: March 26 2015 at 6:30pm | IP Logged
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To cheer us all up....
Sir Isaac Newton was a terrible student and considered to be pretty much a total slacker until he reached college. As an adult he was very single minded and would get so distracted by everything going on in his head that he would wander away from a dinner party to get a bottle of wine and then forget to go back.
I feel certain he would have never emptied the dishwasher without being reminded five times, and he probably did a lot of eye rolling and "When will I ever need this?" about grammar, etc.
So there is hope
We don't know what little Newtons there might be hiding out in these challenging boys.
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
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4Real Forums : Living Learning
Topic: I've Lost the War
