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Erica Sanchez
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| Posted: Nov 21 2013 at 5:00pm | IP Logged
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Thanks, Angie!
When I thought about this, I wasn't really thinking about making decisions, but, of course, that would be at the heart of it. I do get what you are saying and it makes me think more about it all which is a good thing. :)
It seemed so easy and natural with our oldest that I think I haven't had to give it much thought (like I think I am going to have to do with our number three).
Okay, that's a lot of thinking! :) :) :)
Until next week.
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Have a beautiful and fun day!
Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Nov 27 2013 at 9:35am | IP Logged
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I'm back  and I believe I was going to expand on two points. The first is when a teen is more. The second is on devision making.
Still winging it here...
When we had our babies, there were some that were jus plain, flat out, more. They didn't adhere to the baby book and they freaked us out. It has been my experience that these babies continue to be more as teenagers. They continue to be more intense emotionally, more in need of healthy limits and boundaries, and they definitely need more engagement from parents.
Two things work best for our family for this teen. First is "diluting" these children with the company of other adults and outside activities. Now, I've seen many parents react the opposite way...they lock these kids down...and I can see why! At first, every time you let them out of your site, you worry! And they mess up! Then you say to yourself, "See, I never should have let you out of my sight!" You want them to be trustworthy but they aren't so the family gets into the cycle of failure and lock down. But, if you can hand these kids over to another adult who you and the teen trusts and who knows the truth about this kid being more, then everyone wins. Ask these teens, "Which adults that our family knows do you respect?" Watch which homes they want to go to and see if there is an adult on the other end who can help. Sure, it is a bit embarrassing to ask for help from another adult, to admit that your teen might be tempted to do this, this, and that, but... it is amazing how much better teens can behave in another setting with another adult!
The second is that these kids need more opportunity to make their own decisions (and fail a lot) than the average kid. There's a paradox in here but I think it has to do with making life "real" to them and having them learn through experience. Now they can't "try" drugs, alcohol, s*x, speeding, assault, etc because these things are illegal and immoral, but there are many things they can try and fail and learn. Don't study? Fail the class. Don't clean your room? Can't find your keys. Don't drive safely? Can't drive my car. Too much time with girlfriend/boyfriend? Dad talks directly to the GF/BF and invites them to spend more time at our home. While it is painful to go through all of this as the parent, these kids have more determination, more staying power than the average parent. Help mentor them in their decision making.
Which gets me to decision making. Here are some examples of parents making decisions for their teens that have gone wrong. Deciding where a teen will go to college...the kid never wanted to go there and failed out with great speed and at great cost.) No dating until you are 18...snuck behind parents back and became hyper attached to said boyfriend. Only allowing Catholic friends...these teens find each other and I've noticed an overall immaturity once they go to college, several haven't made the transition. No alcohol ever... go onto drink heavily or binge. So I take the proven risk of a super-tight parenting seriously. Some teens, especially the teens who are more, will rebel big when pushed into a corner. For me, it isn't worth that risk. So for us... college is a privilege, let's find a good fit that we can all feel good about. Dating is best reserved for when you are able to marry and/or provide for a family; how can we help you as you develop friendships? Your friend, XXX, doesn't practice a faith; let's invite him to Mass. We serve wine to our children on some Sundays and holidays, starting with a very little amount and as they grow older the amount increases so that it isn't forbidden but is a substance that needs to be understood in the context of responsibility.
One more thing to consider about decision making is to watch out for the overly compliant or agreeing teen. This teen agrees with mom and dad about most everything. These kids are on the other end of the rebel spectrum. While it can look appealing, there are risks here too. I've witnessed kids on the autism spectrum get overlooked because they are perceived as obedient and mature because they agree with their parents unconditionally.
Now, I hope it doesn't look like I'm picking on families who parent differently than us. I'm honestly rooting for all families! Teens have their lessons to learn as do families! Every day offers another opportunity to learn, grow, and love. So go forward with confidence! Be not afraid (as best as you can)! Watch this unique teen soul unfold...and love them where they are. If your teen is "more", get help...counselors...even police if they get assaultive. There is no shame in reaching out for help! And shake off the guilt of not having done enough as a parent. My best guess is that if you are reading this, you are more than a good enough parent 
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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stefoodie
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| Posted: Nov 27 2013 at 11:10am | IP Logged
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Kathryn wrote:
| Actually I must admit to being a family that falls into BOTH camps here. With one teen child, it is the way to make the child stronger by setting expectations and stepping back. With the other teen child, if we didn't hold the reins very tight, give very little leeway, this child would seriously self destruct. Now mine are in the early teens so I hope this changes with maturity. I only replied to say that sometimes it really does depend on the temperament of the child...some need more, some need less and by 16, many may have been "fully" parented per se while others are still needing so.much.guidance I suppose. |
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This is us too. It's also very different from child to child in terms of age when they need more parenting and when they need less. My 17-year-old right now definitely needs less parenting than when the 22-year-old was 17. They're on different journeys. I suspect the 14-year-old needs it badly RIGHT NOW and will probably need it through late teens, possibly even through early 20s.
I honestly find this time very exciting. I remember being a teenager and thinking, okay, I would do that when I'm a parent. I wouldn't do this. So there's a bit of that, and also wisdom from experience, mistakes I made myself as a teen, mistakes I saw my parents make, the advice and example and experience of all you beautiful ladies here.
I also relish the fact that as we parent these teens my hubby and I get closer than ever. Family is such a beautiful thing.
I'm still catching up on reading the whole thread. Keep talking, ladies :) I'm listening.
ETA: As for books -- I think the one book that really has helped us a lot, though we haven't used it consistently is The Hidden Power of Kindness. Just lots of reminders to ourselves and to the kids to be kind to each other, as we all navigate these teen years together.
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stef
mom to five
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: Nov 27 2013 at 2:48pm | IP Logged
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Wow! I never thought my simple and humble question/request would generate so much "talk." This is awesome-great perspectives and ideas and support. I was beginning to think all the parents of teens were gone. I am not alone! Thank you all for sharing your wisdom in such a charitable way. Love this thread!!
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Nov 27 2013 at 2:58pm | IP Logged
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Anne, thanks a bunch for starting this topic! You are definitely not alone and I can't wait to hear more from you as you enter into this new adventure. I liked this topic so much that I took a piece of it and made it into a blog post today! If anyone feels called, please do add some comments over there that may encourage other parents of teens!
http://familyanswersfast.wordpress.com/
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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4Real Forums : High School Years and Beyond
Topic: Parenting a teen
