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Angie Mc
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A challenge of being a wife and mother is that the role demands we plan and order our days while also accepting our plans and order will be overridden. A lot.
See my plans? Now watch them be overridden by...
...The van trapped in the garage because the door is jammed and the garage door repair man can only come to my home between 9:00 and 10:00 a.m. when I was scheduled to have our morning meal and studies pegged to it.
...My dh's last minute trip out of state for the week I had planned on closing our summer semester and starting our fall semester to include my big planning time.
...My 15yo's requirement to many additional hours related to his new team than had originally been expected. Can you say lots of fundraisers?
...My 11yo's last minute practice relocations that tack on an addition 20 minutes to my travels.
There's more. I'll stop there. I know you feel my pain  .
It is hard to be flexible and retool the plans. It is sometimes even harder to not feel personally overridden, to not feel like a little kid who stands last in line or is chosen last for a team asking themselves, "Why do they always get to go first?" What about me and my plans?
How do you deal with, in practical terms, your plans being overridden?
How do you avoid feeling personally overriden and deal with the related emotional and/or spiritual challenges?
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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JennGM
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"God's ways are not our ways, His thoughts are not our thoughts."
It takes some upside down thinking to deal with this. I have been thinking about this extensively this summer. How often do I think "This is a great day!" when it goes all as *I* planned it. I had no interruptions, no snags, the boys were good as gold, and I got so much done.
How often do I hear "This year was awful because of such and such, I am working on making this year work out without any of those distractions or downfalls."
It's wonderful to experience the smoothly run days. But those days aren't really reality and not really a blessing. They aren't necessarily what makes us saints.
The real blessing, the real days that make us saints are the days God plans for us. We need those blessings, small and sometimes huge crosses through the day to refine our wills.
We do need to make plans, hang activities around our pegs, give routine and order to our family life, definitely. But, how we react when they change is the key area, which of course, you are pointing out Angie.
My point is that being overridden is actually NORMAL. Not being overridden is not. So thiinking like that helps me think more possibilities and plans for the NORMAL days.
I have to take a deep breath, remember to recognize this as a blessing from God, and try not to lose my temper (WHY does everything happen to me!!! is the reaction I have to supress).
I try to have some little prayers to whisper to overcome the impatience
"The Lord gives, the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord."
"Thy Will be done."
"In All things may the most holy, the most just, and the most lovable will of God be done, praised and exalted above all for ever. Your will be done, O Lord, your will be done."
"I want what you want,
I want it because you want it,
I want it as you want it,
I want it when you want it." (St. Josemaria)
As far as practical helps, always have extra reading planned for all occasions. Or books on tape, music, something to fill in the gaps that makes the time education worthy.
And as far as finding that ideal planning time, I'm having to learn that I can't do large chunks, but find small chunks. Grab the opportunity when I can.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Aug 26 2010 at 12:42pm | IP Logged
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One of the things I do to be proactive is to tell everyone what I'm like to work with. (Not just family - friends, contractors, dance teachers - they deserve to know that I detest surprises.)
If I have a big work deadline coming up, I tell everyone about it, too, so they understand up front when I tell them I can't do something they feel I should drop everything and tackle. It does help to explain in terms of, "I'd love to help with that right now, but my writing deadline is Friday and I can't give you any time next week. Can I call you Monday?" It's not outright rejection, but it keeps extraneous events from pre-empting the really important things.
I also try to stay aware of the things I can't control (my husband's travel assignments, for ex., which often change or pop up suddenly). When changes happen that are beyond my capacity to change, I try to switch to "simple mode," with easy-to-make meals (pasta! every day!), cancellation of all unnecessary events/appointments (this helps me a lot - bowing out of a non-mandatory event gives me time to recalibrate my derailed plans), plenty of prayer and recharge time for me so I stay calm and quasi-cheerful.
Another helpful thing is getting information about what to expect. At our dance studio, things operate pretty much the same way every year, but there are always last-minute tweaks and changes, which translate into extra rehearsals. By asking other dance moms what happened in years past, I know how much "slush time" to plan near big performances. (We are facing this big time this year, with possible cancellation of all our traditional Thanksgiving plans...it is frustrating not to know what to expect during a holiday week.)
The biggest help to me is being at Sunday Mass in our home church. (I like traveling, but I love our parish.) I try hard to spend that hour really focusing on the Word of God and on preparing to receive Holy Communion. That one hour is the best therapy I know. (More would be better, of course, but overridden plans usually mean I have no extra time to get to church during the week, even for a few minutes. I try to make the most of what I have.
It is stressful and frustrating to take the time to plan things, only to have them overcome by events. Sometimes it's hard to stay cheerful.
My own plans...have been derailed today by what I'm sure is an ear infection in my dd...so I have to stop, write a note to my son and head to the doctor with dd. I really do know exactly how you feel, Angie.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Aug 26 2010 at 1:15pm | IP Logged
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Angie Mc wrote:
How do you deal with, in practical terms, your plans being overridden? |
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Stomp my feet and say I won't have it?!?!  
Honestly,  because I empathize so much.
Angie Mc wrote:
How do you avoid feeling personally overriden and deal with the related emotional and/or spiritual challenges?
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Ummm...not very well I'm afraid. Honestly, I have found that I TRY, TRY, TRY to turn to prayer in those moments that I feel too overwhlemed and as if nothing and no one is being cooperative. That's my new phrase lately..."why can't everyone just cooperate ?" (with me would be the unspoken part but then I find myself thinking that's not fair to everyone else).
I suppose prayer is the only "practical" advice I have to offer. It is more typical during these times that I say my memorized prayer but sometimes it's just a calling out for help.
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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JodieLyn
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I tend to have a hard time making plans anyway... seems like I'm constantly revising even without outside influence.
Funny though.. I went to Mass this morning. One of our friends had the Mass said for my dad. The gospel reading was about being prepared though you do not know the time or day.
And I'm sitting there thinking.. hey I've got this down (at least for the moment  ) because it feels like everything I've been doing the last week is preparing for baby which could be any day from about Sept 7 to October 5 or so
But even when I plan to do something.. like I planned to work on my room until it was done and then do the fall clothing switch..
now I'm thinking.. I got "enough" done in my room to be functional.. and since if I'm working in there when I go into labor.. things could literally be put back into boxes and stacked back up out of the way.. and I'm no worse off..
But if I'm in the middle of the clothing switch.. or if I don't get to the clothing switch.. I can't think of anything that I'd find harder to direct than that.. and it takes over my whole living room and quickly dumping it all back would actually leave things a huge mess and then I would have to manage that while resting as well as the normal level of switching..
So there.. I'm switching my own plans around.
And for extra things I've come up with somewhat of a policy.. the first that gets entered into my phone gets priority (unless there's another obvious priority at stake).
I guess I'm just so used to the constant change it doesn't bother me too much.
But you know I think a lot of it for me is how much is truly my choice.. it's not like someone else is forcing the kids to be on swim team or lacrosse or boy scouts or my dh to volunteer for the fire dept...
So I find it a lot less frustrating than dealing with dh's work for instance which really isn't optional But again, his schedule is so wonky anyway that we've just learned to deal with it.
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G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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Servant2theKing
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I've had this happen so many times that any and all plans are written in "flex-time"...I never etch anything, except Holy Mass or dr. appointments, in stone...even those have been preempted on rare occasions! Lesson plans have no set times or dates, but are written in such a way as to allow flexibility, according to whatever curves life sends each day, week or month! THere have been several seasons of life when I've had to offer up our extra vehicle to older dc with jobs away from home, leaving me with no available transportation, making outside activites next to nil. When our few plans have been disrupted by vehicle break down, keys being taken accidentally, sudden illness, etcetra, etcetera, etcetera (can you tell we just watched "The King & I"?) I try to simply say "Thy will be done", trying to attune my heart and soul to whatever lesson God may be trying to teach me at the moment. Often waylaid plans are lessons in patience, acceptance, surrender or even God's protection from unknown dangers. "Thy will be done" covers a multitude of frustrations! Praying your week gets better Angie!
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hylabrook1
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Oh,man, Angie! You have echoed the lament of my entire summer! Especially made harder to deal with because it has involved LOTS of driving around in a car without a/c in record-breaking heat, only to return home totally *done in* and then looking at a dirty house (because I haven't been home to keep after it). Waahh, waahh, waahh. End of being a big cry-baby.(That's directed at myself! )
The main aspect of all of this interruption, changing direction, and so forth is that I can control one thing. My attitude! The driving around isn't a pain in the neck, it's one-on-one time with whichever child I'm schlepping. The waiting in the car time is for prayer. Picking up around the house, keeping surfaces fairly cleared off goes a looooong way toward hiding the reality that more complete cleaning hasn't happened.
Many years ago, someone told me that St. Teresa of Avila once said, "My interruptions are my life." BTW,does anyone have a source for that, or maybe even the correct quote? You know, I'd bet that Mary wasn't looking to become a mother in her teens. But that angel interrupted her prayer time and she accepted what was being asked of her. Many Hail Mary's get said inside my head, an ongoing prayer to remember this truth. 
Peace,
Nancy
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JennGM
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hylabrook1 wrote:
| Many years ago, someone told me that St. Teresa of Avila once said, "My interruptions are my life." BTW,does anyone have a source for that, or maybe even the correct quote? You know, I'd bet that Mary wasn't looking to become a mother in her teens. But that angel interrupted her prayer time and she accepted what was being asked of her. Many Hail Mary's get said inside my head, an ongoing prayer to remember this truth. |
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That's beautiful, Nancy!
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Jennifer G. Miller
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guitarnan
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I am finally back from the doctor and pharmacy...with a funny tale. Sometimes God interrupts my plans so I can remember how to laugh, I think.
So I am in the pharmacy waiting for dd's ear drop prescription. The place is jammed and people are pouring in the door. There is one cashier who handles pickups, dropoffs, etc. and she keeps saying, "I have to go to the bank," but no one from the staff steps up to help her assist the 5 customers. She has us all write our names on a note pad so she can pull all our prescriptions at once and then ring us up in order. She is just ringing me up when a man comes in, pushing a very elderly lady in a wheelchair. She asks him to add his name to the list, and as she is ringing me up, she picks up the pad to see what name is on his prescription so he can pull it. She looks up and asks,
"Is your last name really Death?"
And it was!
(I burst into hysterical laughter as soon as I made it out the door...it was a close call...!!!)
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Angie Mc
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You all are just great. Thanks so much for the "poor dear" pat on the back encouragement. You each have shared points that have touched my heart. I hope to get back to this topic when I have a good stretch of time to reply.
Practical help when overridden:
1. Post to the 4Real board to get a "poor dear"  and perspective .
Please keep sharing your experience! I plan to put this in my favorites file for future reference.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Erin
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Angie,
I was recently talking with a friend, we were reminiscing how when all our children were little and our pace of life was gentler we were able to maintain lovely routines. The fact is as our children grow older our routines are never the same, I've slowly come to the acceptance that it is all fluid.
Nancy's thoughts on attitude are so wise. This term due to sporting commitments and children's work commitments I am in the car every afternoon, some days I do the early morning swim run before breakfast too or the late night shopping run to pick up dd from work. So I can be driving twice a day.
Nancy says if very eloquently, but I decided to look on those times as great opportunities to pick up driving hours for dd16. Time to catch up with individual children are they are alone in the car with us.
My house is a disaster though, so thanks to this great conversation I'm having a 'moment' and thinking I will treat it as an opportunity to 'encourage' the children to be more self-disciplined about their chores.
Mmm not sure if I've stayed on topic, you were asking more about last minute changes, whereas my routine stays fairly concrete for 10-20 weeks. Except when dd gets called in for work half an hour before. I'm becoming so flexible I'm starting to think of myself as "Elstagirl."
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Willa
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Angie Mc wrote:
How do you deal with, in practical terms, your plans being overridden?
How do you avoid feeling personally overriden and deal with the related emotional and/or spiritual challenges?
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(1) Expect it 
(2) Allow margin -- leave time envelopes around things. That's the biggest thing I do. It's hard, too -- very countercultural. Everything around us fights against it, says we should be maximizing productivity and efficiency. Those things are good, but in context.
(3) Take it lightly -- reset the emotional switch when I feel like I'm getting steamed and thrown out of whack. Joking helps -- taking pictures -- saving it up for a family story -- sympathize with the person who feels even worse than I do. Remember that these things make the best memories sometimes.
(4) Offer it up -- I read once that somewhere in the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus is interrupted no less than 11 times during the course of going somewhere. Interruptions are God's agenda getting in the way of mine -- ouch
(5) Allow margins -- repeating it for emphasis -- on BOTH sides of the day, week, or whatever. If something has thrown you out of whack timewise, carve out a little space later in the day to get back in the swing of things. Otherwise life gets so reactive and the emotion and stress just build and build (in my experience at least).
(6)Sitting down prayerfully with the planner and figuring out how the new things are going to work with the 24 hours in the day and your priorities really helps put things back in equilibrium.
(7)Talking it out with my DH really helps too (not venting, but just brainstorming for constructive workable solutions).
(8) Remember how God has provided in the past. If He really wants this for you, He will find a way to make everything happen that needs to happen.
(9)Related to that: Be willing to reconsider priorities -- is this still top of my list given the extra time and energy it will take? Sometimes things take on a life of their own and stop being the best thing for the family. It takes some thinking through every now and then. Again, some margin or down times to consider the big picture can be really helpful. ... periodic retreats or the equivalent.
(10) I feel like I should have ten things but I am out of ideas.... Sometimes it helps to remember that you're in a season -- transitioning from summer busy-ness to September academics is not easy. People all over America are stressed right now. This too shall pass. There! Great thread -- I will be coming back to reread!
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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aussieannie
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That is a wonderful ten point plan Willa, thank you. (Point by point is really helpful and it's packed with wisdom.)
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Becky Parker
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Just wanted to say that I am reading this thread with interest! Thanks for posting Angie! It is all very helpful. We've had nothing but interuptions and upheavals since our start back to school 2 weeks ago. Sometimes I feel like we're being attacked because we're trying to do God's will when we homeschool our children.
This year I am trying to add more of a buffer zone in our daily routine, but I haven't got things to a point that it is working yet. I'm tired with this pregnancy too, so that adds another dimension. As I said, all these great responses have been really helpful!
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Angie Mc
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Angie Mc wrote:
I hope to get back to this topic when I have a good stretch of time to reply.
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PHEW! I have a few minutes to read and gather my thoughts on this topic. I'll begin by sharing what I did last week that brought relief.
I took an extended shower that wasn't rushed which allowed extra time for personal care to include conditioning my hair and using a pretty facial scrub.
I also ordered my bedroom which was reflecting the prior chaotic days.
Doing these things was counter-intuitive to me. When I get into the grip of chaos and rushing, I tend to multi-task like a wild woman, tring to get tasks done as quickly as possible. By taking these breaks, I was able to collect myself to face the day.
*******
Jenn, thanks so much for this...
JennGM wrote:
The real blessing, the real days that make us saints are the days God plans for us. We need those blessings, small and sometimes huge crosses through the day to refine our wills.
My point is that being overridden is actually NORMAL. I try to have some little prayers to whisper to overcome the impatience
As far as practical helps, always have extra reading planned for all occasions. Or books on tape, music, something to fill in the gaps that makes the time education worthy.
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I am embarrassed to admit that, for as much as I love God, I don't trust him the way I know I should. I'm completely unreasonable about this, really. Think about it...Do I trust God's perfect plan for me or do I trust my plans? No-brainer! It has come to my attention that I must learn, show, practice, the habit of trust to an ever greater degree. To this end, I have chosen three words to remind me "how to" get back trust. These words are the baby steps to get me to, "Jesus I trust in You". "Reasonable" is one of my words.
Another word is "brave." I can handle quite a bit of chaos,yet when it crosses my line, I can crumble under the weight. I can be brave because, even when I don't trust myself or others, I can most certainly trust in God. He is my strength and courage.
My third word is, "truth." By being reasonable, I can be lead to the truth. Sometimes the truth isn't pretty, but it IS the truth. Being able to identify that the truth of my situation is that I have no control over it, is a relief, for example. I can place the whole situation in His hands.
I really need to work on the habit of trust as a way to let go of my will in all things. I am very far from this goal. That's the truth .
I plan to be back later...we'll see
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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Kathryn, your words cheer me!
Kathryn wrote:
Stomp my feet and say I won't have it?!?!
Honestly, I have found that I TRY, TRY, TRY to turn to prayer in those moments that I feel too overwhlemed and as if nothing and no one is being cooperative. That's my new phrase lately..."why can't everyone just cooperate ?" (with me would be the unspoken part ).
I suppose prayer is the only "practical" advice I have to offer. It is more typical during these times that I say my memorized prayer but sometimes it's just a calling out for help. |
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You are really hitting on 2 things that have me thinking. Where is the line between wanting things done rightly and wanting things my way? I think it has to do with making sure that family expectations aren't just mine, that I can ground them in family goals based on God's expectations. Then I need to detach, look at what is going on from the outside. I am most likely to lose my peace when I'm emotionally invested in a particular outcome.
TRY TRY TRY to pray. Yes, I know this struggle. There are times when I completely forget to pray and even more discouraging is when I remember to pray...to little effect. Pondering this, I've realized that if I pray early enough, before I'm in over my head, I'm good. But, if/when life piles up around me (and it can pile up FAST,) I need a baby step to align my thoughts with action TO GET ME to trust, to "Jesus I trust in You." I needed to be able to quickly identify what about this moment has me not trusting. This is where my 3 words have helped. For example, yesterday was hard (for a variety of reasons) and by the end of the day, I was exhausted. I had to do one more task and was becoming overwhelmed anticipating it. Praying, "Jesus I trust in You" wasn't enough of a trigger for my immature soul. I finally remembered to "use my words", "Be reasonable and brave. Jesus I trust in You." I needed to self-talk, give myself direction based on why I wasn't trusting (I was being unreasonable with expectations for myself and I was lacking courage to face the task at hand.)
I'm sorry that I can't quite explain properly what I mean by "pray to little effect." Prayer is objectively powerful in and of itself. The reason for little effect isn't about prayer and God's grace, but rather, about my limitations. I can block prayer because I can't settle my mind...detach...let go.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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That's me. I have a terrible startle reaction to match  .
guitarnan wrote:
| I also try to stay aware of the things I can't control (my husband's travel assignments, for ex., which often change or pop up suddenly). When changes happen that are beyond my capacity to change, I try to switch to "simple mode," ... plenty of prayer and recharge time for me so I stay calm and quasi-cheerful. |
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It is slowly dawning on me that I control less and less as my children grow older. Not only do I not control my dh's schedule or my 2 teens' schedules, but I must find ways to make their schedules happen! YIKES! I'm less of a family manager now (which I love) and more of a taxi driver (which I decidedly don't love.) I honestly don't mind the demotion, it's just that I'm really, really not very good at this...yet
Can this be purchased online?
guitarnan wrote:
| The biggest help to me is being at Sunday Mass in our home church. |
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Daily mass helps me. I love the simplicity compared to the bigger, more energectic masses on Sunday.
Thank you for your encouragement, Nancy .
Love,
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Angie Mc
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Chari
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willa! this is so good! please write a blog post including these points so we can find them...and so I can link to it! excellent.
good conversation starter, Angie!
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Dh Marty 27yrs...3 lovely maidens: Anne 24, Sarah 20 & Maddelyn 17 and 3 chivalrous sons: Matthew 22, Garrett 16 & Malachy 11
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Angie Mc
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I'm back. Still pondering thoughts shared here...
JodieLyn wrote:
And for extra things I've come up with somewhat of a policy.. the first that gets entered into my phone gets priority (unless there's another obvious priority at stake). |
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Our family has a similar strategy. We list our extra projects on index cards, one card per person. Each person can place their pressing desires on their card. As a family we choose *1* project to focus on - as a fmily - before we move to the next project. It's amazing how tempting it is to keep shifting priorities around based on...who is most persistent, demanding, or vocal . No more.
I literally ditched my entire to-do list, because there is nothing more discouraging than having a list a mile long, with some activites languishing for years  . I have my top three on my index card now. Currently our family project is for my dd. Each of us is eager to get it done so that each of us can put in a plea, "Choose my project next, please!"
Love,
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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Joined: Jan 31 2005
Location: Arizona
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Posts: 11400
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| Posted: Sept 15 2010 at 4:24pm | IP Logged
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Servant2theKing wrote:
"flex-time"...I never etch anything, except Holy Mass or dr. appointments, in stone...
THere have been several seasons of life when I've had to offer up our extra vehicle to older dc with jobs away from home,
I try to simply say "Thy will be done", trying to attune my heart and soul to whatever lesson God may be trying to teach me at the moment. Often waylaid plans are lessons in patience, acceptance, surrender or even God's protection from unknown dangers. " |
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Servant, I always appreciate your experience! I've been living in a bit of denial . Why am I so slow to see my new season of life? (My guess is that I have LOVED the season of littles under my roof...but that's another topic .) My oldest - and her CAR - are no longer under my roof. I'm driving more than I've ever driven  . Praise God I'm settling into our new routine...and am eager to see my 15yo driving next fall .
I appreciate *more than ever* our flexibility with home education. I absolutely NEED to keep it simple and my teaching/planning/managing time to the morning. Household work is in the afternoon. Evenings are for people and baseball . I'm streamlining *everything* here...which is funny because by most standards, we weren't very ambitious or fussy to begin with .
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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4Real Forums : Planning and Ordering our Days
Topic: Overridden
