| Author | |
MarilynW
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 28 2006
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 4275
|
| Posted: Jan 08 2009 at 6:54am | IP Logged
|
 |
|
Cay Gibson wrote:
I have found that all Sally Clarkson's books teach me how to be a gentler/kinder mother. And she's writing more books!  I can't wait! 
|
|
|
Amen to that! Re-reading the Mission of Motherhood is such a treat for me
__________________
Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
MarilynW
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 28 2006
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 4275
|
| Posted: Jan 08 2009 at 6:57am | IP Logged
|
|
|
missionfamily wrote:
I know this will sound funny, but I think my outside appearance has an effect on my gentleness too.
It's hard to let a mouth so smooth and nicely dressed talk in a way that is unbecoming. It's hard to stomp and pout when you are dressed nicely. It's much easier to act like a hag when you feel like one (not saying this about anyone else, this is how I feel when I stay in gross jammies all day and don't take care of my appearance).
|
|
|
O Colleen - i so know what you mean. And early pregnancy does make one feel a little like a hag 
My mother still will tell me now - "brush your hair a little neater, put on some jewellery..." - umm I still do roll my eyes...
__________________
Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
missionfamily
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 10 2007
Location: Louisiana
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1859
|
| Posted: Jan 08 2009 at 8:44am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I think I'm going to re-read this one: Putting on a Gentle and Quiet Spirit by Elizabeth George.
And has anyone read this one? I may try to get my hands on a cheap copy of it.
And I agree, Sally Clarkson will inspire you. What I love about her is that in the gentleness, the wisdom sparkles.
__________________
Colleen
dh Greg
mom to Quinn,Gabriel, Brendan,Evan, Kolbe, and sweet St. Bryce
Footprints on the Fridge
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SuzanneG
Forum Moderator
Joined: June 17 2006
Location: Idaho
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5465
|
| Posted: Jan 08 2009 at 10:10am | IP Logged
|
|
|
MarilynW wrote:
On the subject - another thing I ponder is cultivating gentleness in my children and especially daughter.
***********************
It is so rare to see a gentle tween/teen girl (or mother for that matter) even in homeschool circles - and it is something I am so praying for - for myself and my dd. |
|
|
This is what has motivated me in the past months to start working on this. My not-so-gentle-ways are becoming very apparent in my eldest daughter and it makes me cringe.
The girls have made a new friend in the past couple months with a tween who is VERY sweet, gentle, helpful, considerate, and just plain-ol-wonderful! She is a stark contract to most "tweens" her age and I'm so grateful to have her in my girls' life right now. But, it has made it obvious to me how rare this is in most girls these days.
__________________
Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Mackfam
Board Moderator
Non Nobis
Joined: April 24 2006
Location: Alabama
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 14656
|
| Posted: Jan 08 2009 at 1:48pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Giving all this thought and contemplative time to gentility has been so very fruitful for me and I'm so grateful to you ladies for offering this helpful conversation. I was thinking of a couple of other things I am trying to do to cultivate a spirit of gentility and become a woman of virtue...
LISTEN
This morning, my little guy John Paul wanted desperately to ask me a question, but as 4 yo's often do, he had trouble finding the vocabulary and putting it all together. I knew in about 2 tries where he was going with the question. It sounded a little something like this...
"Mommy, can I..."
"Mommy, I want to watch..."
"Mommy, can Nanny and I watch..."
"Can we watch da...um...."
"um....da....da...."
Now, I was trying to sort laundry and get the day rolling so I was...multitasking about 5 things at once. I knew from the second attempt that he wanted to watch something on tv, and I knew that I was going to say no, but I really wanted him to be able to take the time to form his thought and ask his question and I really wanted to convey to him through this instance and about a thousand others like this that I will listen to him when he needs to tell me something or ask me something. So, I stopped him and looked into his eyes and softly reminded him to think about what he was trying to say. He got it out on the next attempt...
"Mommy, can Nanny and I watch Little Bear?"
"No, but we can get out a Little Bear puzzle. Would you like to do the puzzle with Nanny?"
"Yes"
If I'm busy, I have a tendency to anticipate whatever they're trying to say, short circuit the attempt to make a request, answer and move on. I think this sends the message that I'm not really going to listen to them, so why bother trying to communicate. I'm more and more concerned about that as my dd grows so I'm really trying to listen - to everything - with intention.
ENGAGE
And, I'm trying to instill the habit in both myself and my children that when we need someone, we go to them. For myself, that means I don't yell out someone's name...I go to them, ask them to do something for me and make eye contact so that I know that they heard, understand and are doing what I asked. For the children, I am trying to teach them that if they need me, they can come get me anytime, but bellowing at the top of their lungs in rapid succession - MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM - from the dark recesses of their room when I am downstairs is not acceptable either. It's really just an extension I believe of attachment parenting. I am attached and present in a physical way to my baby at all times. I want to continue that attachment in healthy expressions with my older children. During this time when God has asked me to care for them physically and form them spiritually in our home, I shouldn't stop being attached, present and engaged after infancy. I just have to be able to read the new cues for "I need you". Parenting is a whole self, my life for yours, 24-7 immersion in attachment.
In thinking about so many of these habits it's really all about RELATIONSHIP and NURTURING THE RELATIONSHIP right in front of me at that moment.
__________________
Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Sarah M
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 06 2008
Location: Washington
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1423
|
| Posted: Jan 08 2009 at 3:36pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Wow- this thread is a goldmine! I'm saving it to favorites so I can ponder it more carefully when I have some more time. This morning during my quiet time with the Lord, I found "Gentle Woman" in my hymnal and sang it. Then, after lunch, I came online and found this thread. Crazy. I think God's trying to tell me something (and I must not have been getting the message the first few times He nudged me, so he figured red flashing lights on 4Real would do the trick  ). Gentleness it is- my goal for the new year.
I do want to say that I am printing out what you mentioned, Suzanne:
SuzanneG wrote:
Here are some things I'm working on to cultivate GENTLENESS:
No eye-rolling.
Actually help a child to clean-up, talking to them while we do it, rather than barking orders during clean up.
Smiling....and a NICE LOVING smile....NOT a funny smile. I DO smile and laugh a lot, but it's more of a smile because something is funny or I'm having fun. Which is fine, of course. But, I want to have a loving smile for my children from time to time.
Correcting mistakes with kindness.
Trying to spend a few hugging/holding each child in the morning and just BE with them. Hugging them, touching their face...gently. I am VERY BAD at this in the AM. But, I think it's very important to them. I'm a work-horse, and morning is always when I'm in work-horse/drill-sargeant-mode. I've found that one way to temper this is to RELAX and just hold my children first thing in the morning.
Give my girls more light, frequent, loving touches. Even if it's just standing next to them and touching their hair.
Asking if a child needs help, rather than giving an order. ie: Does anyone need help getting out of the van?" rather than "Get out of the van!"
or.....
"Do you need help putting on your shoes?" rather than "Put on your shoes!"
|
|
|
That list is tailor-made for me. Seriously.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
doris
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 24 2006
Location: United Kingdom
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1103
|
| Posted: Jan 08 2009 at 4:57pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I knew I had a problem with gentleness when, years ago, we were making a list of family rules along the lines of 'kind hands' and 'kind words' and the children requested that I include 'kind teeth' so I wouldn't speak to them through gritted teeth when I was cross 
We recently read 'St Patrick's Summer' which was a great experience for all of us. In it, the children ask one of the martyrs how he (she? sorry, addled brain) could have been so brave. He replied that it wasn't him being brave, but him allowing God to be brave for and in him.
I've tried recently to ask God to do this for me -- I recognise that I *can't* be patient (or gentle) through my own efforts, so I ask Him to *be* patience in me. It really works! But I need to keep, keep asking, because I'm very far away on my own.
I also love, love all the suggestions above. Great thread.
__________________
Home educating in London, UK with dd (2000) ds (2002), dd (2004), ds (2008) and dd (2011).
Frabjous Days
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Bridget
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2198
|
| Posted: Jan 08 2009 at 5:29pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
doris wrote:
| the children requested that I include 'kind teeth' so I wouldn't speak to them through gritted teeth when I was cross |
|
|
Oh funny! And sadly true. I've seen myself in the mirror in mid teeth grit/scowl. Ugly.
__________________
God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Connections
Forum Pro
Joined: June 24 2008
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 268
|
| Posted: Jan 08 2009 at 7:37pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
This is an amazing thread. It is so wonderful to have the company of woman who WANT to be gentle. Who are willing to share ideas about how to make it happen and who see the value in it.
I am so inspired to work on gentleness. Thank you for all of the suggestions and reflections.
Recently one of my DS said, "Oh no, I hope this isn't one of the Mommy slamming things kind of mad." Ouch!
I have a long way to go!
You know, I think this is one of my favorite things about being Catholic- the Faith challenges and supports me in working to become a better person.
_______________
Blessings,
Tracey
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
missionfamily
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 10 2007
Location: Louisiana
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1859
|
| Posted: Jan 08 2009 at 7:56pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I was thinking more about this today...I am doing so nearly constantly. And my mind went to the thought of how humility is the seed of the other virtues. Thinking specifically about gentleness, it helped me to see some of my pitfalls.
If I'm humble enough to not value my own opinion more highly than others, then I will be more willing to speak softly.
If I'm humble enough not to put my own plans before people's needs, I will be more willing to bear with others patiently and meet needs joyfully.
If I'm humble enough to recognize that a hurried pace makes me less diligent, les merciful, less loving, I am more likely to move with feminine grace and to live the virtue of simplicity.
I think this is a good examination of conscience for me this month...asking myself each evening where a lack of humility caused me to value myself over the virute of gentleness.
__________________
Colleen
dh Greg
mom to Quinn,Gabriel, Brendan,Evan, Kolbe, and sweet St. Bryce
Footprints on the Fridge
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
KC in TX
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 05 2005
Location: Texas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2621
|
| Posted: Jan 08 2009 at 8:01pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
missionfamily wrote:
I was thinking more about this today...I am doing so nearly constantly. And my mind went to the thought of how humility is the seed of the other virtues. Thinking specifically about gentleness, it helped me to see some of my pitfalls.
If I'm humble enough to not value my own opinion more highly than others, then I will be more willing to speak softly.
If I'm humble enough not to put my own plans before people's needs, I will be more willing to bear with others patiently and meet needs joyfully.
If I'm humble enough to recognize that a hurried pace makes me less diligent, les merciful, less loving, I am more likely to move with feminine grace and to live the virtue of simplicity.
I think this is a good examination of conscience for me this month...asking myself each evening where a lack of humility caused me to value myself over the virute of gentleness. |
|
|
No wonder it's so hard for me!  Okay, time to get cracking. And, I'm such a not nice person when I'm pregnant. I'm succeeding much better this time around but gentleness has never been easy for me and lack of humility is a big fault of mine.
__________________
KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Mackfam
Board Moderator
Non Nobis
Joined: April 24 2006
Location: Alabama
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 14656
|
| Posted: Jan 08 2009 at 11:58pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
missionfamily wrote:
| I was thinking more about this today...I am doing so nearly constantly. And my mind went to the thought of how humility is the seed of the other virtues. Thinking specifically about gentleness, it helped me to see some of my pitfalls. |
|
|
We're on the same page, Colleen. I was reflecting and thinking about the beautiful connections of each of the virtues to one another, and I kept coming back to how very connected gentleness is to humility. You cannot have one without the other. Again, my thoughts turn to the Blessed Mother. Her Fiat. My life for yours. Her response is so generous and filled with gentleness and humility in the face of the most awesome mystery ever! Talk about a supernatural re-direction!
If I am serving with humility, my act of service is about the person...not the red check mark on my to-do list. That shifts the whole focus and purpose of the service and each of my actions is just one more laying down of my life for another.
My life for yours in the tying of your shoe...
My life for yours as I re-focus myself from this book to your story...
My life for yours as I wash your clothes...
My life for yours as I arrange our home to be pleasant, welcoming and holy...
Then, we weave another virtue into our tapestry - JOY! I can't give my life with regret, whining, complaint, huffing or eye rolling. I must give it with JOY! If I am serving with joy, I can find the grace to be gentle (or rather, the grace to be gentle finds me).
The thought of this being accomplished in me is overwhelming and I drown in the possibility of it. The thought of it even being accomplished for a day seems too much to dare. But, I can imagine that the next thought, word or deed could be in humble service with joy and gentility. So, I move from one moment of the day to the next, falling a lot and begging for more than my share of mercy so that I can get up and smooth my ruffled gentility and try again to cooperate with Grace.
__________________
Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19, ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SuzanneG
Forum Moderator
Joined: June 17 2006
Location: Idaho
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5465
|
| Posted: Jan 08 2009 at 11:59pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
missionfamily wrote:
I think this is a good examination of conscience for me this month...asking myself each evening where a lack of humility caused me to value myself over the virute of gentleness. |
|
|
Great ponderings, Colleen!
And, also the Litany of Humility goes along with this. I started praying that a couple months ago, when Janette mentioned it in a thread here, and it really helped. Need to start doing that again.
Mackfam wrote:
LISTEN
This morning, my little guy John Paul wanted desperately to ask me a question, but as 4 yo's often do, he had trouble finding the vocabulary and putting it all together. I knew in about 2 tries where he was going with the question. It sounded a little something like this...
"Mommy, can I..."
"Mommy, I want to watch..."
"Mommy, can Nanny and I watch..."
"Can we watch da...um...."
"um....da....da...."
Now, I was trying to sort laundry and get the day rolling........
|
|
|
I love these very specific examples.....if anyone has any others, please share!
__________________
Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SuzanneG
Forum Moderator
Joined: June 17 2006
Location: Idaho
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5465
|
| Posted: Jan 09 2009 at 12:02am | IP Logged
|
|
|
KC in TX wrote:
| I'm a major drill sergeant and I'm trying not to be. |
|
|
Mackfam wrote:
Eye rollers anonymous, unite. 
|
|
|
How about Eye-Rolling-Drill-Sergeants UNITE!!!!!
__________________
Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SuzanneG
Forum Moderator
Joined: June 17 2006
Location: Idaho
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5465
|
| Posted: Jan 09 2009 at 12:12am | IP Logged
|
|
|
missionfamily wrote:
| I was thinking more about this today...I am doing so nearly constantly. And my mind went to the thought of how humility is the seed of the other virtues. |
|
|
I always hear that there is a REASON why HUMILITY is the fruit of the VERY FIRST MYSTERY of the ROSARY, the Annunciation!!!
The FIRST.
The very first.
__________________
Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
insegnante
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 07 2006
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1143
|
| Posted: Jan 09 2009 at 1:54am | IP Logged
|
|
|
missionfamily wrote:
| I was thinking more about this today...I am doing so nearly constantly. And my mind went to the thought of how humility is the seed of the other virtues. |
|
|
Wow, that never even occurred to me before, even though I've heard about pride being the root of all other sin (see here for example.)
But I can see a connection to what these threads have had me thinking a lot about. I need to carefully watch how I talk to my husband in front of the kids, until I have better habits and don't need to watch so carefully anymore. There are ways I shouldn't talk to him even if the kids aren't around, less respectfully or considerately than I should even if not always obviously so (at least to me). But even constructive but not strictly necessary criticism could undermine his authority or send some other message I don't want to send to little kids who don't understand all the nuances.
I was thinking about why I shouldn't pipe up with my opinion every time I disagree with him and I thought if it's truly a matter of opinion, of prudential judgment, who's to say I'm right? Why should I push my judgment just because it's mine ... although it would certainly be OK to discuss it further with him, in front of the kids it may not send the best message. Giving him additional, objective info that would help make an informed judgment is one thing, but a continued argument based on the fact that I draw a different conclusion is another.
__________________
Theresa
mommy to three boys, 3/02, 8/04, and 9/10, and a girl, 8/08
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
MarilynW
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 28 2006
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 4275
|
| Posted: Jan 09 2009 at 7:03am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Thank you all for the great inspiration. This is something I have been pondering for months. I blogged about it here
So many good ideas to ponder and discuss.
And Colleen - I am already in my skirt with a scarf and hair pulled back - may as well clean toilets in style!!
I am signing off for today as I dh has the flu, and I need to focus on this gentleness thing and little people around me Let us all pray for each other - sometimes it seems so overwhelmingly difficult - but "all things are possible with God"
__________________
Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Martha in VA
Forum Pro
Joined: Nov 15 2006
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 496
|
| Posted: Jan 09 2009 at 8:15am | IP Logged
|
|
|
missionfamily wrote:
And has anyone read this one? I may try to get my hands on a cheap copy of it.
|
|
|
That one will be well worth your time to read if you can get hold of a copy. I used to have two copies but don't anymore. I wish I had one to offer. I reread every couple of years.
I have been avoiding this thread because I know so much that this is a vice of mine. I'm just chuckling at the suggestion that our gentleness might be aided by how we're dressed. Not because I don't agree but because I'm wondering if I can blame the pants on my being the super mean mom yesterday!
It's just a good thing it was confession day for us! Several of us desperately needed it by the end of the day!!
__________________
Blessed wife & mom to
4dds,miracle son 4/09, 2 in heaven
My Conversion Blog
Our Family Blog
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Lisbet
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2006
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2706
|
| Posted: Jan 09 2009 at 8:37am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Martha, I had a 'day' yesterday too. I had this thread on my mind almost constantly, yet I went about my harsh and rigid ways. Maybe it's because I never changed out of my pajamas?? Not likely.
Jennifer, I really like this:
Quote:
My life for yours in the tying of your shoe...
My life for yours as I re-focus myself from this book to your story...
My life for yours as I wash your clothes...
My life for yours as I arrange our home to be pleasant, welcoming and holy... |
|
|
Last year I gave a talk at a mothers retreat about living in the present moment. I took most of what I shared from Bishop Fulton Sheen. At that time I was pondering the following over and over again:
Quote:
It never ceases to amaze me, when I am kneeling in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament, in a chapel full of people that God is there, present to me. He is concerned with nothing more than what is best for me, and at the same time, He is concerned with nothing more than what is best for the person beside me - all at the same time! This is only possible because God is outside of time and we live very much under time constraints, but there is still a lesson for us in this. We can imitate Him by being fully present to our individual children in even the most fleeting moments throughout the day. We need to learn to truly stop what we are doing, turn off the background noise in our heads, and focus on the person we are serving. This elevates our service from obligation to Love. It is certainly not our first inclination, and in reality is it not possible 100% of the time. (There is that pesky little "T" word again!) It is tempting though, to go on auto-pilot for the sake of efficiency. But when it comes to relationships, we should be aiming much higher than mere efficiency, the goal should be sanctity! And sanctity is possible, moment by moment...
|
|
|
Especially the part about elevating our service from obligation to Love. It's not my vocation to merely serve, it is to Love.
__________________
Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
stefoodie
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 17 2005
Location: Ohio
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 8457
|
| Posted: Jan 09 2009 at 12:19pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Wow, gals! Thank you so much for this thread, Cay and for everyone's thoughts. I'm reading and absorbing and pondering here as I nurse baby...
__________________
stef
mom to five
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Cultivating the Virtue of Gentleness
