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TracyQ
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| Posted: June 05 2008 at 12:56pm | IP Logged
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Monique,
I've learned so much this past weekend at our convention about having a child who learns differently. My daughter is not ADD/ADHD, but is more of a right brained learner, and now I'm learning that even more than that, she has a cognitive behavior called The Dreamer, and I'm reading a fascinating book about that as well called, Strong Willed or a Dreamer? It's amazing! I've learned about all three of our kids after only one chapter, and feel as I read on, I'll learn how to better parent them.
One speaker I saw that was excellent and so helpful, was Dianne Craft, who is a learning specialist at HSLDA. Her website is
Dianne Craft website and the HSLDA website is here: HSLDA website Dianne said to click on the Special Learning or something like that, and you can go there to that part without being a member. Right now their site is experiencing some difficulty due to weather, but it'll be back soon, I'm sure.
Hang in there, and pray! God will absolutely lead you to what your family needs! He's always so good to equip us when He calls us to something. We all go through difficult times in our homeschooling...but we can perservere if we put all of our trust in Him. 
__________________
Blessings and Peace,
Tracy Q.
wife of Marty for 20 years, mom of 3 wonderful children (1 homeschool graduate, 1 12th grader, and a 9th grader),
 homeschooling in 15th year in Buffalo, NY
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ALmom
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| Posted: June 05 2008 at 4:34pm | IP Logged
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Monique:
Don't know where you are located but wanted to pass along a couple of factors that we have to keep in mind at our house:
Heat (too hot here, and we have real loss of energy for all and lack of cooperation from the younger set. We simply are not a very heat tolerant family and temps right now are in the 90s or higher. We stay indoors in a/c, keep our air running strong and will not lower our thermostat to save money the way others do. We are also trying to move to cooler meals, extra diligence about hydration, and minimizing formal work or errand running as much as possible). In the area in which we live, any errands during any part of the year, generally means that our children are overheated and need some chill time. Car time totally exhausts us and I have to plan (or unplan) accordingly.
Noise - a fussy infant, colicky child or a whiney 5 yo make both me and one child over the top stress wise and then totally exhausted. I have come to realize that we have a physical reaction to noise. I will begin to feel like a trapped animal and have learned to detect the "feelings" associated with noise overload that send me over the edge. I simply must take a break and either get outside in nature (it is very calming), go into a back room and turn out the lights and close my eyes for even a few minutes or, now that my children are older, I have been able to tell them mom just has to have about 15 minutes of silence. Now this wasn't possible with a baby and it was the roughest time due to the need to take care of the baby but also deal with my own inability to function after a certain degree of unrelenting noise. I did learn to try things like strap the baby into a carrier and bang the vacuum around for a bit  - the steady hum of the vacuum drowned out the noise I couldn't solve and gave me a safe way to vent building frustrations before I had the overhausted, I cannot even function mode. Volunteering to mow was another escape and it took a bit before dh really realized how much this refreshed me if he let me mow and just walked with the baby after one of those really trying days. We also learned to never be on a schedule with a baby in the car as the combination of fussy baby in car, and trapped people in close proximity to the noise was a horrible combination. Being able to pull over, unstrap baby, walk around, whatever made a huge difference. Obviously this is harder to do in certain regions than others. Since I've experienced exhaustion and inability to cope with noise myself, I am able to recognize it in my child, and try to give relief before it becomes unbearable - even if it means that I take the baby in a stroller ride around the backyard while he chills in the house. I try to have one place in the house that is a quiet retreat area where any of us can slip to when we need space and silence. I anticipate the need for several hours of quiet downtime after co-ops, or any kind of activity in a gym.
Periodic change of pace. This is probably the trickiest considering the variety of temperments in our household. We all need change of pace, but what is a rejuvenator for one child, is a stressor for another. However, without appropriate change of pace, my children and I will all experience serious burnout.
Without these, my children simply will not function well and we can see a quick meltdown in terms of emotional and mental level of functioning, particularly in one child whom I suspect has some sort of difficulty beyond the "normal boy" thing. This is also the one who is exhausted by outside the home activities so change of pace for him is not change of routine or scenery as much as lots of downtime to be by himself. This is a stress for some of my more socialites for whom change of pace, requires not only a change of scenery but also an opportunity to expand horizons outside the home more and chat with peers, form a wider circle of friends, etc. This stresses the one while his quiet downtime with the same old basic routines but more free by myself time stresses a number of my other children. It is forever a balancing act to meet the needs of everyone in the family and no real sure fire trick for accomplishing it - just lots of prayer and discernment and trying to stay connected to the hearts of your children and learning from what backfires.
One thing that my son appreciated from me, is very clearly written instructions on what his assignments were and then to be left to work on them. I have to be in tune to knowing when to step in and offer assistance, but for the most part he HATES having anyone anywhere around when he is working. He will absolutely bristle if a younger sibling looks over his shoulders while I'm explaining something to him or while he is working. I cannot totally accomodate this, but recognizing it means I do make allowances for his ways of doing things and try to give him as much guidance as possible in writing to allow him to pursue at his own pace and in as much privacy as is reasonably possible in a busy household with lots of folks.
A few other things that make a difference for us-
print size
expectations of a date of completion and not feeling like "my plans" drive us to never take summers off, etc. My children really missed a sense of closure with the years we simply worked and then petered out in the summer sometime. When we had clear goals, and a reasonable endpoint followed by informal unschooly learning my children were much happier. If I could look at some things and be really complimentary and translate that into some goals accomplished, therefore, we can drop this, my children responded better than when we just dropped things out of exhaustion.
compliments! Sometimes I got so exhausted with life that I forgot that my children didn't need me just focusing on what still needed work and they were much more able to tackle new material or their challenges with confidence if I was able to communicate pleasure with all the things they were doing well. This can end up being one of the things that happens when you have a particularly challenging child for whom you seem to struggle to find the key to their heart or a child that just seems to struggle. Stepping back and focusing on the positive refreshes everyone and creates the right environment for everyone to get a fresh start.
Hope this helps some.
Janet
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monique
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| Posted: June 05 2008 at 5:09pm | IP Logged
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ALmom wrote:
Noise - a fussy infant, colicky child or a whiney 5 yo make both me and one child over the top stress wise and then totally exhausted. I have come to realize that we have a physical reaction to noise. I will begin to feel like a trapped animal and have learned to detect the "feelings" associated with noise overload that send me over the edge. I simply must take a break and either get outside in nature (it is very calming), go into a back room and turn out the lights and close my eyes for even a few minutes or, now that my children are older, I have been able to tell them mom just has to have about 15 minutes of silence. Now this wasn't possible with a baby and it was the roughest time due to the need to take care of the baby but also deal with my own inability to function after a certain degree of unrelenting noise. |
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Yes, I've noticed this too. I, for one get really frustrated when there is a lot of noise or several people on me or even just wanting me to do something. I get very overwhelmed by all these needy people! I've also notice this with the 9 year old. He is very sensitive to noise. I think that is one reason why he likes to do his work at night when everyone else is in bed--it's relatively quiet.
Not hot here--we're in WY and today it's 51 degrees! Ugh, where is spring?
Thanks!
Monique
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monique
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| Posted: Aug 20 2008 at 9:26am | IP Logged
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Just an update from here. I wanted you all to know you helped me so much. We got through June and finished most of the work with two of the children. However, my nine yo is still finishing things up for 3rd grade. We changed the way we do things and it has helped some--for the most part anyway. At least we are making progress. First, I've been doing some things to help me feel better (walking, gardening, vitamins and herbs, prayer). I'm also not staying up late. I try and be in bed by 10 or 10:30. This has helped a lot. I'm starting to feel way more energetic and optimistic. Second, 9 yo is doing his work at night. I get everyone to bed after the rosary at 8 except for him and then we work together until 10:00. I've dropped some subjects and changed curriculum for others. I've also really been trying to stick to a rhythm and I think that is helping also. Especially in the afternoons we are doing certain things everyday so there is a better flow to the days.
Okay, so here is the kicker. I also sought some professional help because I thought for sure he had some sort of problem (ADD, etc). After a few sessions, the professional informed me that there is nothing wrong with him. She's worked with kids with ADD/ADHD and this is not my son's problem. Her opinion is that he's just basically decided to act like this because it gets him out of doing his work! Great. I had suspected this but I really didn't want to push him if in fact he was having problems. Now I know differently. So what do I do now? Have any of you had such a stubborn and obstinate child? How do you channel that into something productive without breaking his spirit? I know keeping him to a routine will help a lot. We must do the same thing every single day. Day in and day out including weekends because if we get off schedule one day then he refuses to do his work/chores, etc the next. So he's been doing his work 6-7 days a week! I hate not having a break and making him work on Saturday and Sundays. It just doesn't seem right but if I let him have off he refuses the next couple of days and it takes us another two days to get back on track!
Well, I stop here. I know this is a long post. But what do you do with such willful children that know right from wrong yet continue to choose wrong?
Thanks again!
__________________
Monique
mom to 5
Raising Saints
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nissag
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| Posted: Aug 20 2008 at 1:49pm | IP Logged
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Nine has been a difficult age for my three oldest (now 16, 14, and almost 12). I met with a lot of balkiness at that period. What helped was turning the tables on them a little and putting them in charge of some aspect of a younger sibling's schoolwork. Nothing major, maybe just running down the spelling list. Somehow, they managed to regulate themselves better.
Brian used to work long hours away from home - up until just before our 6th was born. I also battled an autoimmune disease at the same time. Keeping things going while fighting exhaustion was really tough. For our family, an organized schedule has helped tremendously. It's amazing how quickly children will catch on to the rhythm of a day, and begin to move effortlessly with it. I can tell you from very recent experience that any change in the routine can make for an exhausting day after.
Cooking daily was a huge trial for me. In addition to the children's schooling and homemaking duties, I help with the family business and do free-lance writing. It helped me a whole lot to take up marathon cooking - I cook once every fortnight for the entire two weeks (luncheons and teas). I generally make a fresh breakfast each morning, but only have to take out meals from the freezer and warm them up, then serve with fresh salad or veggies. It takes the brain-strain out of what to make for dinner. I also developed a routine for planning meals WAY ahead, using the seasons and feast days to help me. That way, I nearly always have something planned for feast days, birthdays, etc. And having one baking day each week ensures that we will have treats for guests and snacks.
All of this has freed me up to spend more time face-to-face with the children, and with friends. Our quiet time in the afternoon is sacred. I get time to read, write, pray or even nap - all of which refresh me. My oldest ones help with the dishes (allowing great conversation time), and I'm free to enjoy my husband's company in the evenings, with bed-time at around 10:30.
I should also mention that in addition to our family schedule, our chore system has cut down to nearly nothing the grousing we used to experience, as well as the bickering between children. It was a lovely and unexpected bonus.
HTH!
Blessings,
__________________
Nissa
Deacon's wife, mother of eleven, farmer, teacher, creator, cook.
At Home With the Gadbois Family
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monique
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| Posted: Aug 20 2008 at 11:08pm | IP Logged
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Glad to know that part of it is the age!  At what age did your boys grow out of it, Nissa? I keep hoping and praying it will be soon!
I like how you put that with the rhythm of the day they move effortlessly with it. That sounds like just what we need.
Thanks for more ideas!
__________________
Monique
mom to 5
Raising Saints
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nissag
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| Posted: Aug 21 2008 at 6:32am | IP Logged
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monique wrote:
Glad to know that part of it is the age! At what age did your boys grow out of it, Nissa? I keep hoping and praying it will be soon!
I like how you put that with the rhythm of the day they move effortlessly with it. That sounds like just what we need.
Thanks for more ideas! |
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Only one of those three is a boy. I guess it took him a good year or so to sort out his balkiness, though it was only at it's worst for a couple of months (that seemed like forever). I think he was trying on his 'man shoes', as they do. At 14 we're going through another round, but this time it's Papa who is keeping him in line. Pa is still bigger. :)
I think it matters less *what* the rhythm of your day looks like, so long as it fits with your family's lifestyle, is predictable, and consistent. For us, it's
- wake-up of 7AM (little relaxed in the summer)
- morning silence until after breakfast
- morning chores (30 minutes most days except Wed. and Sat. when we do a full clean for 2 hours)
- snack at 11AM
- luncheon (almost always a heavy, cooked one) at 1PM
dishes
- quiet time at 2-3 (this wiggles about 30 minutes sometimes)
- tea at 5 or 5:30
baths start at 7 PM
- Bedtime for the little 'uns and middlins at 8:30 when our night-time silence begins
- bigguns are off to bed bet 9/9:30 (later in the summer).
We have a 'school-time' routine that slots into those empty spots, like the morning prayers/circle time. I try to keep the school scheduling flexible by setting weekly goals for completion, rather than daily ones. This allows us to take advantage of an opportunity to go on a hike or field trip, to watch an educational program that comes up, or to extend hospitality to anyone that might drop in.
The items above are pretty much non-negotiable in order to keep the kids in the flow. Wake-up, chores, meals, quiet time, bedtime. I also try to do the same "big chore" (shopping, paperwork, big cleaning) on the same day or days each week so that is also predictable.
It takes about two weeks for a new habit to be formed. We found that a schedule that Brian and I keep the kids to took about half that time for the kids to fall in with effortlessly. The babes are *tired* at 2 or 2:30, asking for a drink of milk, and taking up their nap-time blankets.
There is a comfort in predictability that our kids seem to really thrive on. It prevents boredom and casting about, leaves less time for frustrations to mount - causing tiffs. Each child knows what the day runs like, even if they can't tell time because one event follows on the next. Each child knows that he or she will get mama time, and that his/her turn comes after "X".
Having designated space for certain activities helps, too. You don't have to have a huge house with a lot of single purpose rooms (though that would probably be absolutely wonderful). You can assign a couple of tasks to each room.
Finally, having a couple of big cleaning days has really helped a great deal. Our kids take more responsibility for keeping things fairly neat on in-between days. having a house that is neater and cleaner has brought the intensity level way down for us, too.
HTH!
Blessings,
__________________
Nissa
Deacon's wife, mother of eleven, farmer, teacher, creator, cook.
At Home With the Gadbois Family
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MichelleW
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I also want to recommend smoothies between 3 and 5 pm. I found that not only was I exhausted by that time, but the kids were, umm, not "themselves." By having us all stop for a smoothie at that time, it gave us all a boost in energy to keep going. It also gave a nice thing to do together quietly for a few minutes.
__________________
Michelle
Mom to 3 (dd 14, ds 15, and ds 16)
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4Real Forums : Living Learning
Topic: Refusal to do Schoolwork and Exhaustion
