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Ouiz
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| Posted: Jan 02 2008 at 11:44am | IP Logged
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Kathleen, you have been on my mind all morning, and I will continue to offer up prayers for you and your family!
I have no advice to offer, but I did want to mention what we experienced with night terrors. My oldest child used to have them, and it completely freaked me out. I finally realized that if he had even the TINIEST amount of carrot in any form, he would have horrible night terrors. Once I made sure that carrots just didn't enter this house  , the terrors stopped... so in our experience, at least, it was food-related.
May God bless you and your husband with all wisdom as you seek solutions for all these issues!
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Ouiz
Blessed to be married to the man of my dreams and mom to 8 wonderful children here on earth
B-17, G-16, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, G-7, B-4
Chez Ouiz
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chicken lady
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Kathleen, you continue in my prayers, I think we need a novena for you. I suggest Our Lady Undoer of Knots. This is a complicated and knot filled situation. We all have them, let us give this to Our Mother to unravel.
What do you think? Shall we begin?
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jugglingpaynes
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You've received such excellent advice,especially about recharging your batteries. As homeschoolers and parents, we tend to put everyone else's needs before our own, but you need to take care of you. I hope you can make time to get away, even if for only an hour a week (grocery shopping doesn't count!)
I take yoga a couple of times a week. I'm fortunate to have a teen to look after her brother and sister. She is an angel for me, and I do my best to show her how much I appreciate her.
I also found I needed to learn to not take it all so seriously. Using my art and writing skills, I started a comic strip about our homeschooling adventures. The comic was therapy for me. It helped me to look at situations from a different perspective, and as a result, I laugh a lot more. Laughter is every bit as infectious as stress. When I relax, my kids do too.
Good luck Kathleen, my prayers are with you!
Peace and Laughter,
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Cristina
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momwise
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Kathleen,
I've been praying for you ever since I saw your prayer request and I'll continue to pray. I agree with Theresa and Macbeth. Your dc are so young. They will not suffer a bit if you take the rest of this year to unwind and focus on behavior. I agree with the suggestions to focus on rewards and positive behavior. With the pressures of formal schooling out of the way you and your dc will have a huge burden lifted that positive and Christ centered activities can fill. I receive more help from this Night prayer of the Church than is imaginable:
"Lord I beg you to visit this home and banish from it all the deadly power of the enemy. May your holy angels dwell here to keep us in peace and may your blessing be upon us always."
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Gwen...wife for 30 years, mom of 7, grandma of 3.....
"If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." JPII
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kathleenmom
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Molly,
Yes, please for the Novena.
Thanks again for all of the suggestions everyone. I am definitely going to explore the food sensitivities possibility. The allergist indeed said no food allergies. DS was allergic to everything else under the sun, but no food.
Not taking things so seriously is good advice for me. I tend to see things very starkly. I often need to be reminded to lighten up....thank God my DH is such a funny guy. God sent him to me for a reason.  Laughing and levity have been in short supply around here for some time. It can't hurt.
God bless,
Kathleen
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DH Daniel, Sophia Brigid (97), Russell Powers (99), Honoria Jane (02), John Patrick (05), Brigid Mary Feb. 24, 2007!
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Dawnie
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Kathleen,
Too bad Bridgit doesn't want to be carried anymore! It makes things so much easier when baby is happy to ride on mama's back. I think gating off the kitchen sounds like a good idea. Maybe she could explore the tupperware cabinet and bang on your pots and pans?
I have an anxious child who has been diagnosed with ODD. I posted here about a year ago desperate for help. Things have imporoved A LOT since then. So, there is hope--things CAN change!
Things that helped us:
1. Me learning not to take her outbursts so personally.
2. Me trying to take it one interaction at a time with her instead of thinking about how "this ALWAYS happens!" or "she ALWAYS does this to me!" or "she NEVER listens to me!"
3. She responded very well to positive reinforcement. We used a sticker chart. She earned stickers by working on certain goal behaviors (like having a 'safe' day, going to her room to cool off when angry), then she could redeem the stickers for various special privileges.
4. Finding a counselor that she liked. The first counselor we tried was not a good fit. She came down on Mary Beth pretty hard and had her on the defensive right away. The counselor we're seeing now is very gentle and worked to develop a rapport with Mary Beth before trying to work on the problem behaviors. Mary Beth actually looks forward to going to counseling now and complains that she has to wait 'two whole weeks' until the next visit!
5. Avoiding power struggles whenever possible. I've learned that a gentler approach gets me a lot further with my daughter than heavy-handed authoritarianism.
6. Focusing on speaking Mary Beth's 'love language.' I read the Five Love Languages of Children a few months ago and started to really make an effort to do things that showed Mary Beth that I love her. I'm ashamed to say that I hadn't been doing much of that while we were in the midst of the worst of her behavior problems. I try to bring back something small (a pack of gum, or something from the Dollar Store) for her if I go out by myself. I take her out on dates sometimes. She loves to go on dates with me to the donut shop. Taking time to do things with her on a regular basis, like a craft, or just listening to her talk about something that's important to her. I try to do these things regardless of whether she's been good or not, to show her that I love her no matter what.
7. Me learning not to argue with her. The best thing to do when Mary Beth 'loses it' is to just leave her alone to simmer down. She's usually very contrite and will come to me after she's calmed down and apologize for her behavior!
8. Choosing consequences for misbehavior that don't involve ANY touching. So, no spanking and no carrying/dragging/chasing her to time-out. Touching Mary Beth when she's already mad just tended to throw fuel on her fire and cause things to escalate. A really great technique that my counselor suggested was to set a timer when I asked Mary Beth to go to time-out and say, "I expect you to be in time-out by the time the timer goes off." If she didn't go to time-out before the timer went off, then she lost a privilege or had to do extra chores. When I started doing that instead of chasing her or trying to drag/carry her to time-out, things got much better. Now, I rarely have to set the timer--she will usually just go (although often grumbling) to time-out when I ask her to.
I'm sure your little boy isn't exactly like my little girl, so take what you like from my experience and leave the rest! I hope at least some of it is helpful to you.
Love,
Dawn
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Mom to Mary Beth (99), Anna (02), Lucia (04), Clara (06), and Adelaide Victoria (2/28/09)
Visit my blog!Water Into Wine:Vino Per Tutto!
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Maria B.
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[QUOTE=Dawnie] 6. Focusing on speaking Mary Beth's 'love language.' I read the Five Love Languages of Children a few months ago and started to really make an effort to do things that showed Mary Beth that I love her. I'm ashamed to say that I hadn't been doing much of that while we were in the midst of the worst of her behavior problems. I try to bring back something small (a pack of gum, or something from the Dollar Store) for her if I go out by myself. I take her out on dates sometimes. She loves to go on dates with me to the donut shop. Taking time to do things with her on a regular basis, like a craft, or just listening to her talk about something that's important to her. I try to do these things regardless of whether she's been good or not, to show her that I love her no matter what. /QUOTE]
Wow Dawn! All of these ideas are so on target. Number 6 is so important. I have found this to be a necessary thing to do with my children that I struggle with it. It makes such a difference in our relationship ... for the better!
Thanks for reminding me of this!
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Maria in VA
Proud Mom to 10 Great kids!
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aussieannie
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Thanks Dawn, I've just purchased a copy of that book here in Australia and I am looking forward to discovering my children's different 'love languages'
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Under Her Starry Mantle
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AndreaG
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Kathleen,
You and your family are in my prayers. My oldest was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder last May. I can relate to much of what you have written. His condition certainly affected our whole family, especially my 5-year-old son. Following his diagnosis I have shifted the focus of our homeschooling from academics to mental health and discipline. We still do academics of course, but the focus has shifted, and it had been very worthwhile. Fell free to pm me.
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Andrea
GrayFamilyCircus
Read Through the Catechism in a Year- For Moms!
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Nina Murphy
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Sweetheart, I haven't read through all of the posts so I don't know if anyone has said this, but I will: the first thing that hit me in your post was not about helping your children right now, but helping YOU. If you feel like you are drowning, choking, or fantasizing about escape, YOU need to be attended to first. Those children are dependent upon you, right, and "at the mercy" of your decisions and moods, right?
So, in my opinion, that is the starting point, even though there MAY be inherit genetic handicaps present, chemical imbalances that need to be medically and nutritionally--- therapeutically--- addressed, or bad habits ingrained in your dear children. YES, yes. Those things are there perhaps, crosses given to you or allowed for your life "against your will", not your fault, and perhaps not at all in your control---all possibly true.
Because ultimately we don't/can't "control" our children---they are not programmable; they are FREE fallen beings with higher intelligences and depth of soul, made in the glorious power of God's own Life---we only nurture them and care for them and *help* form them. So much of it has to be God and Our Blessed Mother.... and needs to be given up and given over. Once we can accept this, we can find some release on the tension and constant pressure we feel to "produce" and not fail with them. But then, maturely realize that they HAVE been given in to our care, and we NEED to be in control so we can help them feel stable and in control, and able to make good choices themselves eventually. (It is not overnight...it is a process.)
We can only truly control ourselves. So, what can you do to help yourself get some control over your life, mood, and household?
YOU need guidance and help so you can guide and help those in your care with discernment and prudence. Consider counseling with a priest, woman/mother you admire, and perhaps an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety med to TRY for a period to see if it gives a new perspective to your vision (for you yourself, may have a chemical imbalance occuring that you are not recognizing). Sometimes it can open the clouds so that you can SEE the bright beams poking through----and all appears and is perceived in a new light.
EAT nutritiously, SLEEP as much as you can in a regular pattern (getting a sitter if you need to), invest in mega-vitamins like Optivite PMT, get into the sunshine for at least 10 minutes a day and just look at nature...the trees or sky. To me, that is basic before you will be able to help your children. If you are peaceful and strong, you will be able to wake up each day, and take the right next step for them, one at a time.
Just my humble words and thoughts. Please forgive me if they are not helpful or don't hit you right. I am just one woman with my own experiences and views. I so desire relief and a mitigation of this acute pain for you---and am praying for you.
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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JuliaT
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Kathleen, I have been thinking about and praying for you since I read your original post. Everyone has given you such great advice. I think Nina's words are oozing with wisdom. I would like to elaborate a bit on what she has said.
This past year has been difficult for our family. A lot of things has happened all at once. For a few months in the spring, I was staggering from the emotional weight that I was carrying around. I felt exhausted and overwhelmed. I had no idea how to handle all of this. The kicker, for me, was the realization that all three of my children had sensory issues. These issues came up differently in each child. Also, it was at this time that my ds's speech problems came to a head. I felt like I had failed him in getting the proper help for him. My ds also has reading difficulties and I think he may have dyslexia. I came to this point in the spring as well. Throw in there marriage problems and no one to turn to and you have a messed up Mama.
The short verseion of this story is that God led me to the realization that I need to take care of myself first before I can take care of my husband and my children. If I am a mess physically, emotionally and spiritually, there is no way that I can take care of my family in a healthy manner.
This is my plan for a life makeover for Mama. I have cut out most sugar (sometimes a little bit sneaks in there, but I don't beat myself up for it.) I handle stress and worry by ingesting sugar in many forms: coke, cookies, iced tea, etc. Whenever I felt like I was falling apart, I would head for the sugar and I could feel myself calm down. This is a short--lived fix, though. Soon after, I started feeling uptight and antsy, due to the sugar overload. So now I have cut out sugar and am mixing protein with comples carbs. I have only been doing this for a short time, but I feel so much calmer.
I have also set aside time during the day for prayer. I have been praying for an hour. I do this before the kids wake up in the mornings. During this time, I give up my children and their problems to the Lord. I visualize myself doing this which helps alot. I cannot help my children the way that they need help because I have no idea where to start. God can help them, though. He can lead and guide me onto the path that will be helpful for them. I pray for that.
I try to exercise every day in my living room with DVD's. I have invested alot of time for myself but I can see where this is paying off.
Before, I would hide myself in my room when the craziness would begin because I didn't know what to do and I just didn't have the energy to deal with it. Now, at the first sound of trouble, I say a prayer and brave myself as I step into the melee of screaming. crying and hissy fits. I am able to calm things down rather quickly now without screaming at them. I am more at peace with myself and life. I chalk this all up to taking care of myself in all areas. This is making me stronger to handle what lays ahead of me.
The other thing I wanted to say is that I am working more on my relationship with my children individually. I found myself dealing with them on the basis of their sensory issues or their learning difficulties rather than on who they were as a human being. I found myself in survival mode just trying to get through the drama and the hissy fits. I never spent time with them individually. I loved them, sure, cause they were my children but I didn't always like them as they caused alot of stress in my life. I now spend time with them, playing games, reading to them, baking, painting with them, just being with them. This has helped a great deal as well.
I am sorry for the length but it is hard to put a whole year in a few paragraphs. Summing up, I feel so much stronger than I have all year. I am positive that we will get through all of this a better family. My situation is different than yours as I have fewer children than you plus my youngest is 4, but there might some little nugget in here that may work for you. I am praying.
Blessings,
Julia
mom of 3(8,6,4)
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happymama
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Great advice in all the posts here. In addition, I'd add:
**when i needed a "mommy makeover" I did a workout on DVD (as Julia just said,) every morning for a while, and always invited my little guys to join me - they love the workouts too. Try something really upbeat, involving little weights and lots of motivation & variety! I think it's amazing what a little exercise will do for a person emotionally!!
**my 2-year-old has night terrors (aren't they AWFUL!?) when he hasn't had enough sleep. Observe your son carefully for a few days, and see if there's a point during the afternoon when he starts looking sleepy, and see if you can get him to fall asleep. Sometimes I've had to bear-hug my son as he screamed until he fell into desperately-needed sleep. Really, until they turn 3, I think MOST kids benefit from naps - otherwise go for an EARLY bedtime!
**contrary to what probably every other person in the group would suggest, I would take your older son to school just to look around, talk to a counselor, and sit in on a class or two. I know everyone else will disagree with me, but IF you don't have anyone else around to help you, then you shouldn't feel guilty about sending a child to school for the rest of the school year. As "horrible" as we all think public school is, there ARE teachers there who do care. I attended public school myself k-12, and I survived. It would let you focus on your younger children for a while.
Prayers for you!
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Nina Murphy
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happymama wrote:
**contrary to what probably every other person in the group would suggest, I would take your older son to school just to look around, talk to a counselor, and sit in on a class or two. I know everyone else will disagree with me, but IF you don't have anyone else around to help you, then you shouldn't feel guilty about sending a child to school for the rest of the school year. As "horrible" as we all think public school is, there ARE teachers there who do care. I attended public school myself k-12, and I survived. It would let you focus on your younger children for a while.
Prayers for you! |
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I wouldn't disagree with that, per se. Each woman and child and family is unique and has unique needs. Homeschooling is not perfect. I would encourage her to search and explore and pray about ALL of her options.   
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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lapazfarm
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happymama wrote:
As "horrible" as we all think public school is, there ARE teachers there who do care. I attended public school myself k-12, and I survived. |
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Just a minor rub, here. I don't think public schools are horrible. I've got 2 kids in public school and they are thriving. I have no doubt there are many teachers who care very much.
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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4Real Forums : Living Learning
Topic: Critical Mass
