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SusanJ
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Wow. What a great thread. I have a 3yo and a 1yo and we've been "homeschooling" since dh and I were engaged! This is all really great and encouraging advice--partly I see that I'm already doing some good things, and partly I see my worst tendencies are being discouraged--which I really need!
Thanks, Ladies!
Susan
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Mom to Joseph-8, Margaret-6, William-4, Gregory-2, and new little one due 11/1
Life Together
[URL=http://thejohnstonkids.blogspot.com]The Kids' Blog[/UR
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Sarah M
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I'm just bumping up this thread. I needed the reminders written here, and I figured maybe some other mothers with all "littles" might need it too, as we really dive into the school year!
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Martha
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Well I wasn't religious, much less catholic back then.
What would I do different?
I'd tell everyone else to just leave me alone to enjoy my boys. *sigh* I'm a much better parent now for what I DON'T listen to. I take a lot more in stride. I know what's important and what's not. And you know what? Getting them to sleep through the night is not important. Getting them potty trained for daycare/preschool is not important.
Cuddling on the sofa with a book is imortant.
Playing peekaboo with the burp rag at 3 am is important.
I really don't think a person can prepare for having 9 kids. I'm at 8.6 and I'm not sure if I'm prepared! 
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Martha
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Becky J
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Hi, everyone,
I'm the one who originally started this thread, and I'm so glad it's been revived. The new posts are just what I need to pep up my spirits today.
I have a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old and we are struggling with those exact issues Martha called "not important". The 2-year-old still cosleeps and nurses all night and this worries me because it's preventing me from getting pregnant again. The 4-year-old is engaged in a power struggle with us over potty training.
Part of me feels like a terrible parent for just not being able to get a "handle" on those things.
I have been getting a lot of pressure to put my 4-year-old into preschool. She does have some behavioral "issues" that preschool might help correct (e.g., learning to sit still, raise her hand, wait in line, etc.) She attends a Catechesis of the Good Shepherd Atrium and even her catechist thinks preschool would help her. I actually do have her registered at a preschool but she can't get in because she won't potty train.
I am just feeling very low about my mothering abilities right now. I know everyone who gives me advice means well, and I do worry I am not doing right by my kids.
But I just have to say that the new posts on here are making me feel a lot better.
Martha -- thanks for your encouragement and, Sarah, thanks for reviving this thread!
Sincerely,
Becky J
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Bookswithtea
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***She does have some behavioral "issues" that preschool might help correct (e.g., learning to sit still, raise her hand, wait in line, etc.)***
Oh dear, I mean this with much love and hugs, but really...people who call these things "behavioral issues" are *just* the people that Martha is probably talking about when she says to not listen so much! Those skills are only necessary in a classroom environment and many many 4 yr olds cannot do them well, homeschooled or not. These skills are fairly obvious to children who are developing normally...she will get them when she needs them. In the meantime, I wouldn't worry about this in the slightest.
If your 2 yr old is still co-sleeping and your 4 yr old doesn't like to wait in line and is late to potty train and that means you are a bad mom, well then I'll join that club.  Children develop at different rates and its all ok.
Love your munchkins, go for walks, avoid the tv, eat good food and have fun in the kitchen, read wonderful picture books to them. Read Real Learning and Pocketful of Pinecones and Educating the Wholehearted Child over the next year to prepare for homeschooling and if you feel *called* to it, don't even listen to anyone who gives you opinions about preschool or the best kindergartens.
Outside-the-home preschool is truly, honestly, a creation of the modern age and some research indicates it is not even good for children. The only thing it gets children ready for is institutional schooling, not life. Mommy and Me, Gymboree classes, park days with other sahmoms...these offer a better environment for socialization and an opportunity for lifetime friends, too. My dearest friends now are the moms I met with at a park day when my first was only 9 mos. old. My kids don't even remember not knowing these dear families. 
Those days at the park are what I treasure most about the days when I had all littles and had not started to homeschool yet.
As for what I would do differently...
1--I wouldn't worry so much about educational standards at the early ages. I wasted a lot of nights on stuff that didn't matter in the slightest.
2--I would enjoy the stage with all littles more. I went through a real grieving process when my oldest became a teen and I couldn't just scrap schooling for the day and go on a field trip anymore. I didn't enjoy those days enough. 
3--Everything else Kathryn said. In fact, I am going to copy her post to my computer and remind myself that I can still do this with the littles I have now, because a beautiful, gentle, graceful and grace filled environment is what I want most for my children.
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mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and  due 9/10
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teachingmyown
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Becky,
Who says a 4 yr old should be able to sit quietly, wait in line or raise her hand? Really, some do, some don't. Don't stress it and don't put her in an environment where she will be forced to fit in. Let her be four!
I read a great little article on potty resistant kids. The doctor writing had come up with a strategy for getting these kids to go. After making sure there aren't any physical reasons causing the problem, take your child into the bathroom. Tell her that the doctor says she has to use the potty, that it isn't healthy for her to hold it in and that she is not to come out until she goes. Leave her there, matter-of-factly, no fussing, no cajoling. Apparently, this strategy works for a lot of kids. They take the "doctor's advice" much more seriously than Mom and Dad yelling, pleading, bribing,etc. Just a thought.
God has a plan for your family. He gave you your kids, and He will give you all you need to give them what they need. Just try to relax and enjoy this precious time.
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Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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Lisbet
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Becky,
I too say this with all charity, but I do not think preschool will 'help' your daughter, when the 'issues' you are describing are not 'issues' at all, but rather normal child behaviour that our culture strives to 'bore' out of kids, kwim?
2 is still so little, nurse her, snuggle up to her at night and smell her whispy hair, enjoy it. If you and your husband are open to the children God blesses you with, that means being open to them in His time. Please don't 'worry' about not getting pregnant again because your current little one is still nursing and cosleeping.
I have more to add, baby is crying...
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
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Martha
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Becky J wrote:
I have a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old and we are struggling with those exact issues Martha called "not important". The 2-year-old still cosleeps and nurses all night and this worries me because it's preventing me from getting pregnant again. The 4-year-old is engaged in a power struggle with us over potty training.
Part of me feels like a terrible parent for just not being able to get a "handle" on those things. |
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yep. btdt. You know what? I'll confess I'm a bit of a control freak. I really struggled for a LOT of my early parenting years with things I "couldn't get a handle on". My first ds wasn't fully potty trained until nearly FIVE! (OHHHHH the shame!  ) NONE of my nursers slept through the night until I weaned them. (Oh for the miracle of a formula induced sleep baby!  )
What people who tell you to stop doing or start doing such things are neglecting to mention is that YOU are just not as in control as anyone would like to think. You can control a LOT of what happens in your home. But those little people come with their own ideas of what they want and need too. Ignoring that fact doesn't make it go away or make your parenting any easier.
If the boy isn't ready to potty train, then it isn't going to happen. Period. You can leave him on the toilet all day and night and you still cannot make him go in it. Threats might work for a day or so. Maybe. But then what? Yep, back to square one again. With my first, the ped dr said to give him an enema to make him go. Well it did. And what came of that? Well, the smart boy starting hiding his poo behind his dresser.  ewww. Back to diapers, tyvm.
Over the weekend my 2 year old dd yelled at me from the stairs, "I'm pooing! I'm pooing! I need a diaper." I asked in humor, "Do you want to sit on the potty to poo?" She shocked me by comming down stairs, ripping off her diaper, and pooing in the potty. Hasn't poo'd her pants once since. And although she's wet them a couple of times, it's always been while on her way to the potty. Her 4 1/2 yr old brother however just. won't. consider. it. No amount of candy, restrictions, encouragement, or shame will induce him to willingly sit on a toilet. He's the one I thought would be easy!! He's the only kid I think I'd say is going to be as difficult as my first to potty train. But I'm almost certain sure that he will not get married in a diaper.
You could stop nursing tonight and still never get pregnant. And then what? Would you feel bad for weaning? If so, then don't wean yet. If you just feel "it's time" for whatever reason, then go ahead an wean. But don't try to "control" it for the sake of controling somethign else. Because you could wean her and still not have her sleep thrught he night. You could wean her and still not get pregnant.
We just do not have all the control.
Trust me, I know that's frustrating.
But once you let go of those things, I think you'll find a lot more peace and joy in your mothering.
Quote:
| I have been getting a lot of pressure to put my 4-year-old into preschool. She does have some behavioral "issues" that preschool might help correct (e.g., learning to sit still, raise her hand, wait in line, etc.) She attends a Catechesis of the Good Shepherd Atrium and even her catechist thinks preschool would help her. I actually do have her registered at a preschool but she can't get in because she won't potty train. |
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ARGH! I pose the concept that it's NOT normal for a 4 yr old to sit still, raise their hand before talking, wait in line for every bit of attention they get. Is that normal for adults?! Do NOT confuse what is expected, required, conditioned from the age of 6 weeks in a daycare for the average kids to what is normal. The sad fact that it is like that for so many kids does NOT make it normal. It does not make kids who were not institutionalized from the age of 6 weeks behavioral issues.
This one really gets to me. 4 yr olds NEED to spend energy to learn. Their wee minds never stop moving and that's reflected in their bodies.
My dh and I like to laugh that the real problem with such "kind advice" and child comparing is that they haven't had at least 6 kids of their own. There comes a point where parental hubris has taken enough of a beating to just not recover.
ETA: Will someone PLEASE remind me of all this when I post, as I'm sure I will, with my own control worries...
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Martha
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jugglingpaynes
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I agree with Martha. My children were always moving at that age. Many of our friends told us how they would read to their children while the child ran around them. I used to make up games like spelling Twister and number-line hopping to make use of that energy. As they get older they eventually settle down, but the early years are meant to be active.
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nissag
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I like that you are establishing a routine with your children. As long as the routine is digestible for them at their young ages, that's a fantastic idea. Have reading time, naptime (which could become a simple quiet time if they grow out of napping), and outdoor time.
This is the time to watch them. Their gifts are apparent to an eager observer. Try different things and see how your children work. You will do this with all of your children.
Finally, take time to steep yourself in information on various methods and approaches, try things out, see what fits. You'll probably find that you take some bits from each and leave a lot on the table.
Finally, relax. Don't feel you have to do it anyone else's way. You have your own unique gifts, and your own dynamic with the children God has given to you. Trust your intuition, and in the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
It's a wonderful journey. You'll find you learn as much from your little teachers as you are imparting to them!
Blessings,
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Nissa
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4 lads mom
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Becky,
I think if we were all in the same room with you, we would give you lots of hugs and tell you what a good mama you are!!!!!  I have five, baby to 15, have always homeschooled....and I have to heartily agree with everything Martha, Nissa, Books and Lisa have all said so eloquently. My kids have all developed at different paces, and all of the "things" you are worried about dd not doing "well" are soley for classroom purposes. My Mantra has been "We are NOT bringing school HOME, this is a home,a lifestyle, not a school!!" When it comes down to it, an engaged, focused on "them" mom does wonders for our children, and when we are truly "present" to them....they shine. Do I do that perfectly everytime? Absoluletly not....and thank God for the Sacraments!!! Do I need time out to nurture myself? Yep!!! I love what Karen Andreola, the author of "The Charlotte Mason Companion" calls, "Mother Nurture" We have to nurture ourselves, and let our kids see US excited over learning something new. Struggling to learn something ourselves helps us stay humble, and in tune with what our children feel as all things new unfold in front of their eager eyes.
Catch your kids sense of wonder!!! Everyone will benefit!
God Bless you....and stay close to Mary, Our Blessed Mother!!!
Edited to add....ummmm, I guess you all know about Mother Nurture since that is a heading on the board --Can you tell I have been re-reading one of my fav books lately? I love that term.....and not many places you can throw it around.
Becky...also...don't take anything we say as a finger pointing, "You need to do it THIS way, and your way is wrong..." I think just the fact one of the first things you talked about orginially was getting your liturgical focus....wow, you are LIGHT years ahead of me at your beginning stage!!! Love you kids, feed them, read good books, play outside..love the Lord and Blessed Mother....and hang out here
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Mom of four brave lads and one sweet lassie
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Becky J
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Thank you, everyone, who has offered their advice and encouragement!!
It's harder to be countercultural than I'd like to admit -- both counter to secular culture and Catholic culture.
I live in an area where 94% of the kids go to preschool. So when my daughter acts differently than those kids, for good or ill, the finger gets pointed at her not being in preschool, and it's easy to feel embarrassed about that.
It's also easy to feel embarrassed in Catholic circles because I only have two kids. It's not that I think other moms are judging me -- only that it's easy to judge myself. (E.g., wish I hadn't gone down the path of natural child spacing via ecological breastfeeding 'cuz now I can't get off it!)
I do know there are ways I could improve as a mom, but it is helpful to hear that there are some things I just shouldn't worry so much about.
So -- thanks again!
Becky J
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Mackfam
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Bump.
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19, ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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kristacecilia
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Aw, this one was so good- I don't think I read it before!
Martha, Martha, where are you? Your advice was so perfect, it speaks across time!
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God bless,
Krista
Wife to a great guy, mom to two boys ('04, '06) and three girls ('08, '10, '12!)
I blog at http://kristacecilia.wordpress.com/
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asplendidtime
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I didn't read most of the replies. I have eleven children, my oldest is fourteen.
Routines. Have littlest of children do many things for themselves by following the next good step. We have routines for rising, routines before and after meals and at bedtime. It carried us through years of my dh working shift work, and unable to consistently participate.
Menu plan. Saved my budget and saved me when I was just dead tired.
Consider staying home. I don't go out with the children during the day. We always had one vehicle, it goes to work with Dad. *For us*, this has worked beautifully. I know it's not for everyone. But for us, it has given us a lot more time.
Teach chores young, but understand that it still doesn't mean that later that the chores will do themselves. Supervision, inspecting and challenging them to do tasks well, will always be your job. :)
Reading aloud, but recognize, if it gets hard, that's normal. Like chores just because you gap have trained them and they are used to listening, you are not a failure if it gets harder later. Reading can happen anytime, it doesn't have to be at the same time, this can change to bedtime, breakfast time (while they eat etc,.....) Learning can and does happen anytime. :)
Recognize that there are seasons, just because you are going through a season of struggle (winter) where you don't seem to be bearing much fruit, doesn't mean you aren't. And this is also not the time to give up or burn your orchard, instead rest, prune branches, be quiet, pray a LOT. But above all, never consider you are failing or even that you are alone because you are experiencing wintertime. We all do, don't give up, this is the moment when The Lord is drawing you close to Himself, accept and surrender. Don't plan, don't make changes in your big plan/vision/calling, but coast and pray and rest. And if you have to tell yourself to "just keep swimming" *repeat.
Remember to not forsake your family/marriage by trying to constantly adopt what others do, let yourself be free to do what works for you. Now that I have been able to see the family life of another family with similar stats to ours. I rest in how things can be so similar in some ways, and then worlds apart in others. And works for each family. So compare less, ask yourself if you are adequate lesssssss. When your kids let you down, lower your expectations, and don't consider this proof that you aren't sufficient to the task. After all, God chose you to mother these children, at this time, He is faithful, and He didn't make a mistake, you are insufficient, so was Moses, but He was called. And so are you. That made all the difference to me.
I think Mother Teresa said we are called to be faithful, not successful. So concentrate on being faithful. Don't take yourself too seriously, we sin, we can be a messy people. Our Father knows this, but He chooses us anyway.
ETA- didn't see the date. Ugh! Sorry. I would delete, but I'm too emotional, and spent a long time typing on my tablet. 
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Rebecca~Mama to
Noah 17,
Katie 16,
Mary 14,
Tim 13,
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Josh 10,
Zoe 9,
Will 7,
Peter 6,
Laura-Mae 4,
Emily-Joy 2,
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Mackfam
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asplendidtime wrote:
| ETA- didn't see the date. Ugh! Sorry. I would delete, but I'm too emotional, and spent a long time typing on my tablet. |
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Well, I'm glad you didn't delete!!! I was coming over here to say thank you for posting! I found your post insightful and helpful and would echo every.single.thing you said! It was a GREAT post, Rebecca!! Thank you for taking the time to share fantastic insight and experience! 
My favorite part was this (emphasis mine):
asplendidtime wrote:
| Recognize that there are seasons, just because you are going through a season of struggle (winter) where you don't seem to be bearing much fruit, doesn't mean you aren't. And this is also not the time to give up or burn your orchard, instead rest, prune branches, be quiet, pray a LOT. But above all, never consider you are failing or even that you are alone because you are experiencing wintertime. We all do, don't give up, this is the moment when The Lord is drawing you close to Himself, accept and surrender. |
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And, I feel exactly this way about comparing oneself to others, which is utterly crippling!
asplendidtime wrote:
Remember to not forsake your family/marriage by trying to constantly adopt what others do, let yourself be free to do what works for you.
>> snip <<
compare less, ask yourself if you are adequate lesssssss. |
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This is the path to peace and contentment!
Excellent post, Rebecca! Thank you for adding to this already rich thread!
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19, ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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MaryM
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asplendidtime wrote:
ETA- didn't see the date. Ugh! Sorry. I would delete, but I'm too emotional, and spent a long time typing on my tablet. |
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That is why we are bumping threads - so members can benefit from the rich past topics and so that new or additional insights can be added. We always hope the conversation continues .
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Mary M. in Denver
Our Domestic Church
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greengables
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So glad you replied!
Ditto EVERYTHING you said only I could not have so eloquently said them!
Could I have permission to copy and forward your wonderful advice?
God bless,
Jill
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May God bless you,
Greengables - wife to best friend and mother to 11 blessings on earth
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4Real Forums : Living Learning
Topic: If you had to do it all over again . . .
