| Author | |
solomon
Forum Newbie
Joined: July 17 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1
|
| Posted: July 17 2006 at 1:49am | IP Logged
|
 |
|
I am a regular member on the forum and have wanted to post this anonymously.
I sorely need advise and counsel. I am very strict with whom my children play with, my children belong to a Catholic children's group that met fortnightly for fun Catholic activities, the oldest child in the group is 11. The mom that runs this does not home school and one child of hers is particularly rowdy and disrespectful. They are very orthodox Catholics though, very actively apostolic people, even if there family discipline is not working very well  . I have been tempted to correct this child in public but I have never corrected any other person's children so I have watched things in silence and with a bit of frustration.
Recently my oldest boy came to me and asked me, "What does.......your mum mean?" The missing word rhymes with the thing we all want when we are playing the lottery. I nearly fell over! I found out that it was this child that I had always been unhappy with in the past, who had said it and on that day the boy must have been angry with me for stopping a dangerous game that they were all playing where a child may have gotten hurt.
We have with as much certainy as you can have, satisfaction that our child has been completely truthful in this, we left no stone unturned, so as to speak, in making sure of this. My son had been given promptings to retract easily once he knew where this was going to head and that it certainly wasn't going to stay within the walls of our house. We promised no punishment of any sort for him to change the story at that point, so as to be sure that he was telling the truth. It would have been a promise I would have kept, I would have just started serious prayers for my son instead.
My son does not like confrontation of any sort, he likes this boy and he has never falsely 'tattle-tailed' on children before - good reasons to trust him as we continued our discussion with him. We reminded our son of the state of his soul before God if he were not telling the truth on such a matter, not because we doubted him at any stage as we saw truthful indicators from the beginning but to make sure we were acting with great prudence and surety.
We informed the parents due to the seriousness of this and they of course questioned their son. The trouble is, the child has denied it. I had said that I would not have my children attend the children's group if the child did not confess and apologize, he has apologized but only for his years of disrespectful behavior that had also been openly discussed for the first time along with his shocking statement, he also apologized for any "misunderstandings". I feel I would need this boy to own up before I could go back and even then I have stipulated that I would want the freedom to correct any misbehavior of ANY child in the group.
This mother does not know what more to do, she doesn't question my son's truthfulness either, she has already talked to him and also knows of his general behavior. She thinks that possibly he misheard the word, my son is adamant that this is not so. What should I do? Am I too hard, too soft, or too sensitive in the first place? I feel confused now, as to how to move forward with this situation, the mother was in tears at the end of another face to face conversation today, she is very upset over it.
This lady has always looked up to our family and been delighted that our children are a part of the group and friends with her children. My children, of course are not perfect, but they do have an acceptable standard of behaviour generally. I am starting a novena to Our Lady of Perpetual Help today but I really would appreciate some advice and thoughts in general. Thank you so much in advance.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
MaryMary
Forum All-Star
Joined: July 04 2006
Location: Canada
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 535
|
| Posted: July 17 2006 at 2:01pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I don't have a great deal of advice, but I will keep you in my prayers. I had a similar situation with another child from a homeschool family that was bullying my young child. At first we prayed as a family for this person, that they would have a change of heart. I tried to help my daughter understand that this person is probably hurting inside, as well. But finally one day I came right out and disciplined this person myself. It's not easy having to correct another person's child, but I had to as my child was suffering terribly over this. Continue to pray and to forgive, and I'll be praying with you for the best possible resolution to this...
With love (and a Hail Mary)
Mary
Mom 2 3 
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Sarah
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 17 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1624
|
| Posted: July 18 2006 at 7:46am | IP Logged
|
|
|
We've had several incidences like this.
Based on what you've said, if it were me I would not attend anymore if that child was there and find something better for the kids to do. I wouldn't keep rehashing it though. I would drop it, both with your son and the family.
We've had bad situations before that we decided were not for us. Its true you can't run from everything, but I think there is also the innocence of our children we need to protect. If this child uses this language, it will get worse on what he says and what information he supplies to your children, more than likely.
I should have followed a similar red flag. I chose to stick with a situation that was bad, thinking that if I was within view nothing bad would happen, but we got badly "burned."
__________________
Six boys ages 16, 14, 11, 7, 5, 2 and one girl age 9
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
saintanneshs
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 15 2005
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 591
|
| Posted: July 18 2006 at 5:12pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Hmmm, this is a tricky one, especially since you know the mother of this child is so upset, enough to cry in your presence. This must have hurt her as much as it did you, ya' think?
...I have to say I agree with Sarah about protecting our children's innocence. You told the other mother what happened but what she does to handle it will be entirely up to her and her husband. As frustrating as it is to watch someone else's child do naughty or even, in your case, obscene things, we can only confide the matter to the parents and either pull our children away from the situation or teach them how to handle it themselves (while we watch from a safe distance, ready to jump in when needed).
If you think your son is too young to handle giving a response to such a terrible comment from his "friend," it sounds like pulling him away from that particular boy might be a solution. It does seem like a punishment for your son though, to not allow him access to the rest of his friends in the group (unless they are of similar character), when your son didn't do anything wrong and neither did any of the other children, right? Maybe you could teach your son why what this boy said was wrong and how he should either remove himself from that boy's presence or teach him how to respond to ugly, obscene, personally offensive language. And pray, pray, pray for everyone involved...
It's terribly hard to let our children LEARN to handle bad situations. As the oldest of 5, I remember how excruciating it was for my parents to teach me how to stand up for myself in middle school. I wanted them to pull me away from bad situations at that age but I'm glad now that they didn't because it taught me the right way to deal with ugly behavior, head-on. I hate confrontation too, but I'm glad I got to practice standing up for myself and my loved ones because it's come in handy quite a lot since then.
As a side note, I feel your pain. My ds6 is dealing with a 7yo fellow hs friend who can't keep his hands to himself (very aggressive). I've told my son to remember to tell this boy firmly to stop (no problem for my ds), and if it continues to ask the boy's mom to make him stop (or ask me to tell the boy to stop) or tell him that they can't play together or sit together until the friend can control himself. If no one is there to help (almost never the case), I've given my son permission to be forceful and defend himself. Unfortunately, my ds is a lot bigger and I'm glad it's never come to this.
FWIW, I don't see anything wrong with stepping in and saying something discreetly to correct someone else's child IF they are 1.harming my child or other children (unknown to the parents of said child or even while the parents of said child watch and IGNORE their child's abuse of other children...my personal favorite) or 2.harming someone else's property. I guess that's just the kindergarten teacher in me, though... 
I think you did the right thing and I pray you'll find some answers in your heart, soon.
__________________
Kristine
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Advice is greatly needed.
