4Real Forums: Explaining courting to the kids

Oh, Dearest Mother, Sweetest Virgin of Altagracia, our Patroness. You are our Advocate and to you we recommend our needs. You are our Teacher and like disciples we come to learn from the example of your holy life. You are our Mother, and like children, we come to offer you all of the love of our hearts. Receive, dearest Mother, our offerings and listen attentively to our supplications. Amen.

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Topic: Explaining courting to the kids

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rm4mrfrus
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Joined: March 27 2006
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Posted: June 16 2006 at 9:41am \| IP Logged

We are leaning towards courting for our kids but so far have just been using the term when we talk about our dc's future spouses. The oldest is only 10 so we have not gotten too far into the subject yet. I have been trying to do more research into it and read the other thread on here about it and found it very interesting. I tried to get the book that was recommended ARMS OF LOVE by Carmen Marcoux but found that I could not even get it through ILL because there are only 8 library copies WORLDWIDE and few are in this country! I did have the book by Jason Evert but have loaned it out and not gotten it back!

Anyway the other day some neighbor kids were here playing and were asking our kids questions about homeschooling - such as "don't you feel you are missing out by being homeschooled?" When questioned further by my kids the things the neighbors felt our dc were missingout on were meeting kids of the opposite sex and dating. Our kids responded that they did not feel they were missing out and besides, they weren't going to date, they were going to court. But then they could not explain courting to the other kids. The sad thing is that those other kids were the same age as ours. Sad to see they are already so wrapped up in the boy/girl thing.
Any easy explanations of courting or responses my kids can give them to get the topics off dating and back to playing? For the most part these neighbor kids are nice kids, just very different from our own.
Thanks again!
Hollee

ALmom
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Posted: June 16 2006 at 11:01am \| IP Logged

We talked to our kids about the typical dating scene - which in our opinion is a great preparation for divorce. You meet someone, go out exclusively with them for a while (probably sharing too much on an emotional level before you really know the person) and then someone new comes along or can give you a better time, you switch to the next person. By dating, you rob yourself of the chance to be friends with guys.

We also talked about the difference between dating (which means you are trying to impress each other so you really don't get to know each other, plus you are going on emotions mostly) and being friends where you gradually learn the other person's values, how they treat others in a group, how they act with their families, etc. With friends, you help each other get closer to God, share interests, work for a common goal in lots of settings, etc. This is healthy. You certainly get to know the opposite sex - in group settings where you can remain friends and you do learn how each other thinks without running the risk of inadvertantly giving wrong messages and using each other. When children are younger, then boy/girl friendships and same sex friendships look about the same. As they get older, you learn there does have to be a certain reserve that develops and you are mostly interacting in group settings where there isn't any pairing off. This is just a bit of learning the differences between male and female and enough respect for the young man not to confuse the living daylights out of him.

Courtship is reserved for those who are proximately ready for marriage, after you have had plenty of time to form very good friendships with people - and learn to discern character, etc. It involves spending time with a potential spouse (but in the context of the family) where you can really discern God's calling.

One of the biggest things about skipping the dating scene is the depth of discernment that develops. Observe some of the dating scene - the emotions, the preoccupation with having a good time, the focus on getting away by yourself and the stress on physical attraction. Do you ever just hang out with each other's families? Do you become friends first? So much is about me and how the other person makes Me feel? But that isn't even really love.

One of the hardest things about no dating and only courtship is that it is so uncommon in society so that your dc might end up discovering that it is hard to be friends because everyone else is scoping out for the next date. There are often miscommunications because of the difference in the way male and female think. However, with guidance this is a worthy lesson.

With courtship, the family is kept in the loop. My dd will require any young man that wants to take her out, to go through her dad first. (She is now 18 so is getting closer to when marriage might be a real possibility). As she said, this will weed out the riff raff, if nothing else and be an additional safety precaution besides the wisdom of including those who know you best in the discernment process. But the other part is that she will want to be around our family and also her potential spouse's. This doesn't mean that you don't have time for somewhat private conversation - but you do not put yourself in a position where emotions take over and you are in a proximate occassion of sin.

I know my brother courted and had his wife's brother with them at all times as chaperone. He was not brought up in a courting only way - but his wife's family is Filipinno and this was their rule. A worthy young man will respect this regardless of what policy he is used to.

Janet

rm4mrfrus
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Posted: June 16 2006 at 9:25pm \| IP Logged

Thank you Janet for showing me how you have approached it with your family and how your daughter is looking at it.

What you described is what we want to shield our kids from (the focus of dating). I do agree also that it may be hard when we are not around anyone else who does this...but then again your brother's experience proves it is possible!

I do think that a future move may be in order for us. As much as I love this little place we are, I worry about being so "isolated" from other "faithful to the Magisterium" Catholics. Those 2 neighborhoods in Fl. (Mission San Miguel and Ave Maria) are very enticing to me as well as the area around Steubenville, OH.

I appreciate this glimpse into your life and your thoughts on courting. I hope to use it when discussing it more with our kids!
Hollee

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