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stefoodie
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| Posted: July 30 2009 at 2:32pm | IP Logged
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We are having a family meeting tonight, about our fall schedule. Basically it's very hectic and I'm starting to dread it. Much of the stress comes from often feeling that I'm not providing everyone's needs. Some of the stress also comes when my own needs are not being met. I admit I am bad with communicating these myself as I feel sometimes as though I should *not* have needs, and that having them = being high maintenance and demanding, but then I do break occasionally, and when I do our home is not a happy place.
The other day I was thinking of putting a needs chart together so that on a weekly basis, I can make sure that each member of the family gets what they need from me. I'm still planning to do that but thought a better plan should be that we could communicate more clearly what we need from each other.
How do you communicate needs in your family? I'm remembering Angie's post on having a "stress-level-indicator" or something like that on the family bulletin board (forgive me Angie, nakking right now and don't have time to look for your post)...
I'm thinking something like a bulletin board with mini-post-Its that everyone can use.... or a wreath kinda like the ones at church where there are tags people can pull out and fulfill...
It might be useful to put in specific needs, as opposed to general duties that should be/already are being done, e.g., washing dishes, clothes, cooking, etc.
And I'm thinking the tags/Post-Its should be color-coded...
So perhaps things like
- I need a hug (use a white label if anyone can fulfill it, then if you specifically need a hug from mom/dad/brother/sister you use a different color)
- I need two hours to work on bills (yellow, from mom)
- I need a ride to the mall on Wednesday at 5 (blue, from son)
- I need to go biking with the family for 15 minutes (pink, from little daughter)
- I need my uniform mended for Tuesday next week (green, from Dad)
- I need prayers because I'm nervous about my upcoming speech
- I need to take a walk with someone after dinner
- I need to call my friend for half-an-hour, therefore someone else clean the kitchen please
- I need help picking out a gift for my friend
etc., etc.
and then whoever has time to fulfill it takes down the need request and does it
Anyone have other ideas? How do you communicate needs in your own family?
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stef
mom to five
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: July 30 2009 at 3:33pm | IP Logged
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I would be a bit concerned that some of those examples would get lost in the shuffle.. like the fixing the uniform and the ride to something or other at a particular time.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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stefoodie
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| Posted: July 30 2009 at 4:16pm | IP Logged
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I was just coming back in here to post that some of those are probably the worst examples. I'm thinking more in terms of things that won't go on a calendar.... mental, emotional, spiritual needs... but I couldn't come up with specific ones when I was making the list. Thanks, Jodie!
I don't know... maybe there isn't a need for this... I was just trying to brainstorm and see how other people might have dealt with it.
Off now to adoration and will pray about this some more. If we come up with some good answers at our family meeting, I'll share here.
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stef
mom to five
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: July 30 2009 at 4:43pm | IP Logged
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Yeah I understand.. I think part of it is just telling people when you need something.. like the hug.. "mom I really need a hug"
hmm maybe a white board? then the things on it would be those that are more time consuming than a hug but less time critical than an appointment. Things like
"mom needs 2 hrs to pay bills" and maybe space where people could jot in.. aisa - 2-3pm and then someone else could add in their time to help out etc.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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SuzanneG
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DH and I use a "checklist" of sorts on the fridge for this. These are things that can't be scheduled, but are priorities or goals as parents and spouse.
Not nec. what you're talking about Stef.....you're talking more about things that "come up" and you need to get them done, so you need help. Oh wait, you sort of just clarified that....so maybe this is what your'e taling about.
It's pre-printed, and I just get a new one up every month. We circle the X or the number (for the week it represents) when it happens. It's sort of our accountability to each other and it helps us keep perspective and also helps remind me what needs to be scheduled.
Here are some examples of what's on it:
dh-gym 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3 (this means 3/week/month-he wants to get to the gym)
Suz, eve-recollection X (this means once a month)
Dad-weekly-dd#1 1 2 3 4 (this means once/week, dh meets with each child for 10 min alone to chit chat, no interruptions)
Dad -weekly-dd#2 1 2 3 4 etc.
I make an effort to get out/run errands, go for a walk, etc. with each girl 1/ month, so mine line looks like this:
Monthly-Mom-M Mom-E Mom-D etc.
Date Night / Babysitter _______________ (Monthly & I write it in)
Weekly in-date-night 1 2 3 4 (1/week- -4 weeks in a month)
P/S Adoration 1 2 3 4
45 min business 1 2 3 4
End-day-talk 12345 12345 12345 12345
P-tidy office 1 2 3 4
P-call parents 1 2 3 4
S-write in family journal 1 2 3 4
Sunday Vespers 1 2 3 4
Confession X
Does that make sense? What's really great is when things become a habit and at some point, we don't even need to put it on the list....which would be the ultimate goal. But, it's esp helpful when we're trying to establish a habit or a tradition and it's not automatic yet.
I would imagine this getting lengthier as the girls grow up and we intentionally try to make time and do specific things with each child. Having it on the fridge helps mom and dad work together with it. My dh is NOT a checklist person AT ALL...but he uses it and likes it.
I also have a checklist of my own that I work off of.....I use it throughout the day to help keep me focused on the kids and as a nightly exam of sorts (sometimes)....so, daily things have 1 2 3 4 5 6 7. I can elaborate more on this later, but I'm quite sure you're all rolling your eyes at this point. 
You non-checklist-people are going to laugh me out of town But, it really does help, Plus, I don't have to keep re-thinking everything......it's a way to keep accountable where we need it....and to do it together.....and in your case, Stef....as a family, cuz your kids are older.
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Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: July 30 2009 at 7:06pm | IP Logged
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Adding:
Our things listed above are more to-do stuff, but it could also be based more on what a child's needs are at the moment.......emotional needs that you want to make an effort to meet at that particular time.
Another thought.....
Assessing each other's "Love Language" (or something similar) and making an effort to show that language on a daily/weekly/monthly basis.
Also considering each child's temperament ..... how they like to be encouraged, loved, motivated, etc.....could be a useful tool.
____
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Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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stellamaris
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| Posted: July 30 2009 at 8:37pm | IP Logged
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stefoodie wrote:
Much of the stress comes from often feeling that I'm not providing everyone's needs. Some of the stress also comes when my own needs are not being met. I admit I am bad with communicating these myself as I feel sometimes as though I should *not* have needs, and that having them = being high maintenance and demanding, but then I do break occasionally, and when I do our home is not a happy place.
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The first step to communicating your needs is to recognize them. I remember someone once telling me, "You are not more important than anyone in your family, but you are as important." This was a revelation to me, as I tend to push aside my own needs even to the point that it affects my physical, spiritual, and mental health negatively. I think when we can acknowledge our own needs, and respect them, we become a very positive model for our children, teaching them through example to have a healthy (not excessive, but not denying) approach to their own needs. When we recognize and accept our real needs, it is a lot easier to communicate them appropriately. Unrecognized needs tend not to be accurately communicated (or communicated at all), and needs that have been denied too long are communicated in desperate and demanding ways. Also, as mothers, we do often fall into the trap of thinking we must meet everyone's needs...but only God can do that. It's not even possible for us to meet all our children's needs, and it would be detrimental to their emotional health if we actually did try to do so.
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to  dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
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anitamarie
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| Posted: July 30 2009 at 9:54pm | IP Logged
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Suzanne: I love your lists. You are awesome. Keep 'em coming. You have such awesome ideas.
Stef: I don't think I know any Mom who feels like she are meeting all the needs all the time. It's so hard when that's what we really want to do, and can't. My dh asked me after watching Sky High, "So, what superpower would you want?" My response " Are you kidding??!! Penny's power to replicate herself!!! " I always joke that I need six of me, 1 for everybody.
So, no advice, just sympathy, and kudos for trying to find a system for accomplishing it.  Great thread.
Anita
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: July 30 2009 at 10:27pm | IP Logged
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stefoodie wrote:
| We are having a family meeting tonight, about our fall schedule. |
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Well? 
It's either 10:30 or 11:30 there...how'd it go???
Are you unwinding and processing?
<<Somebody give Stef a shoulder-rub>> 
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Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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DominaCaeli
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anitamarie wrote:
| Suzanne: I love your lists. You are awesome. Keep 'em coming. You have such awesome ideas. |
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Ditto--wonderful ideas, Suzanne!
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Blessings,
Celeste
Joyous Lessons
Mommy to six: three boys (8, 4, newborn) and four girls (7, 5, 2, and 1)
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stefoodie
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| Posted: July 31 2009 at 7:44am | IP Logged
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Sorry, Suzanne et al, didn't mean to leave you hanging last night. Thank you, thank you! I did manage to come here and print out your suggestions before our family meeting. They helped tremendously.
For now, the family wants to do this with a simple chart on a mini white board in the kitchen. We're going to limit requests to 3 per person per week so we don't get overloaded... and we'll see how that works out. Since Sundays are pretty much strictly reserved for God and family time, Sundays will be when we look at what's left on the board, and do our best to take everything off the board so we start fresh again the coming week.
One thing that we all agreed on last night was placing strict limits on screen/computer time. Computer time = WORK. Which means, from 6-10 pm, everyday except on Mondays and Thursdays when we have prior commitments, there will be NO COMPUTER USE in the house. That will give us four hours of time as a family where we plan to be all on the first floor, together. We can play games, do chores, read, cook, eat supper, pray and just be there physically present for each other. This may change in the fall when dd starts college and may have heavier coursework, which may mean more screen time. DH suggested that even if we have additional computer work we need to do, just staying on the same floor, in the family room, will give everyone that "togetherness" feeling, which we all agree is something that fuels and refreshes each one of us. Since dd and I have concentration issues when there are a lot of people, we'll have to play this one by ear. But the idea is there and we'll try it.
Caroline, what you said is just beautiful and something I do need to remind myself regularly. Yesterday was a particularly difficult day -- dd and I were joking afterwards that we hadn't had a bad day like this since April in Italy, so we were overdue. She and dh are really good at anticipating my needs and making sure I get them taken care of, by helping me out, but we do fail from time to time.
Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement and suggestions!
ETA: Thoughts on other ideas here, in case it helps other folks in a similar situation:
- we put Confession on our calendar every four weeks, otherwise it tends to fall through the cracks, and we ALL need it; we usually go out to dinner afterwards, even if it's just take-out sushi or Chipotle and eat at the park or even in the car while parked somewhere
- definitely the Love Language thing is so important here, e.g., dh-dd-I aren't so bothered with the computer thing because we all know what each other is doing and that most of the time it's important stuff, but it's harder for the younger ones to comprehend that because they think computer=fun and they sometimes resent our screen time. any time we spend AWAY from the computer and *with* them instead is a big deal...
like now. which means I gotta go :)
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stef
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stellamaris
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On a more practical note, here's what we do here that (sometimes ) works! For all needs that involve another person, scheduling, etc:
I have a large desk-size 15-mo. calendar (usually runs from Sept of one year to Dec of the next) to which I have attached long strips of magnetic tape. It is on the door of my refrigerator. Next to it (on the counter or in a magnetic basket) I have a collection of Sharpie markers, one for each member of the family. Each person has their own color. ALL scheduling needs go on the calendar. I try to enforce the rule that no one commits to anything without checking first with me. This doesn't always work with the older teens/young adults, but usually they are pretty good about it. A lot of times when my children tell me they need a ride or whatever, I just don't "register" it, so I tell them they have to write to down. I write the schedule items for the littler ones. I try to put morning items in the upper half of the boxes, and later-in-the-day items in the lower half. If an item is not on the calendar, then I don't feel I have to drop everything at the last minute to do it! Sometimes opportunities come up unexpectedly and we accommodate them if we can. Having the calendar helps us decide if we will be able to do the "unexpected". (I'm not talking of the emergency unexpected, of course!) I like Suzanne's idea of having a master list of goals, but I find if it isn't put on my calendar, it doesn't happen. So, for me, I'd have to take that list and put it on actual days on my calendar each month or quarter, especially since a lot of those items involve other people and their schedules.
In addition to the calendar, I also keep a tickler file box set up as Dawn suggests here. The calendar, though, provides an easy visual and keeps me on track.
As far as emotional needs that can't be scheduled (hugs!), maybe this is a topic for another family meeting. It is a learning process for all of us to be aware of others' needs and be willing to meet them, as well as to be aware of our own needs and be willing to express them. I see this as the working out of charity in the family, and I don't think it happens without an effort to develop this beautiful virtue. I love your wreath idea for these sorts of needs. It would be a wonderful way to encourage everyone in the family to practice Christian charity, kind of like the Christmas giving tree, but time-sensitive items need a calendar. So maybe part of the answer to your problem involves identifying the TYPE of need and either placing it on the "Giving Wreath" or on the calendar?
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
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Topic: Communicating Needs
