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Martha
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| Posted: Jan 24 2008 at 1:53pm | IP Logged
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my dh's maternal grandparents basicly raised him for much of his youth. it's fair to say he's much closer to them than his parents.
well his grandmother has ended her battled with alzhimers last night and the funeral is saturday.
his mother has said our kids are not welcome to either the funeral (closed casket) or the memorial and luncheon afterwards.   
I'm so angry. And it brings up old resentments too. When my own mother died 11 years ago, I was all prepared to attend the funeral, had the kids ready, and his mother walks in and says she's babysitting while I go. Excuse me? Short of taking them by the arm and telling her where to go, and possibly being late for my own mother's funeral in the process, I felt I didn't have much choice. I am obviously still angry about it.
In my family (which I'll readily admit is a rough crowd) the kids always attend these things. It's not scary or disgusting or terrible, it's just as much a part of life as anything else. We welcome family as they arrive in our lives and we give them a big send off when they move on past life here. I'm honestly so fed up with this and my dh, bless his peacekeeping soul, just hates confrontation.
I feel there is nothing ot confront here. Just take the kids and leave it at that. I've never heard of anyone calling people who will likely attend a funeral and telling them whether it's okay to bring the kids or not! Yet, she is doing exactly that. His cousin from TX called me in tears because my mil told her she could just leave the kids with whoever I'm leaving mine with or me if I can't get a sitter. Dump your kids )all under 4 yr old) out of state with strangers or dump your kids on family you rarely even see without even asking them first? that's supposed to be more appropriate than taking them?! This is the 3rd funeral where she's done this, but I guess I thought things would be different since the kids are older and this particuliar funeral is for a person she knows we hold very dear.
I'm so angry. And hurt. And honestly baffled.
Angry that she presumes to tell me what's appropriate for my kids.
Angry dh doesn't tell his mother what for.
Hurt that what should be a great source of joy and comfort in a time of loss is being denied to my husband and his grandfather and unwanted by their own grandmother.
Baffled that no one seems to think this lady is out of line and off her rocker to act this way?
So. Talk me down. I honestly do not want to be a funeral crashing snot about this, but I also want to do the best thing for my kids and my husband. His mother... well I'll pray for her, but this woman barely knows our kids, doesn't even call them on their birthday. She says there's a reason she only had one kid and she's never been interested in any other kids than that.
but my dh is a good man with a kind heart who does love her and views arguing with her has disrespecting her.
again..... what would you do? any advice here from you wise ladies?
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Martha
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MommyD
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| Posted: Jan 24 2008 at 2:00pm | IP Logged
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What would I do? Explain to DH that it is important FOR THE KIDS to be at the funeral and hit the "ignore" button on your MIL. But I'm not always very nice. I've been told before when and where I can and cannot bring my kids and I've always just thanked them for the advice and then done what I thought was best. Would she make a scene if you show up with your kids?
Melissa
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Lara Sauer
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| Posted: Jan 24 2008 at 2:29pm | IP Logged
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First of all, let me offer my condolences to you and your family on the loss of your grandmother.
What does your grandfather have to say about this? If you think he would be comforted by the presence of your children AND that your mil would not cause a disturbance AND your husband is in agreement with you, then I would bring them along, I would come toward the end of the "viewing" (if there is one) and I would politely sit in the back until asked to move closer.
In the end however, it is far more important for you to be at peace with your husband over this. Issues like this can so easily drive a wedge where there need not be one. Since this is his family, I would defer to whatever he is comfortable with and have peace about it.
If in the end, it is impossible for the peace of your family to attend the actual funeral, perhaps you could have a private Mass said for the repose of you dear grandmother's soul and then you, your husband and your children could go to the cemetery and lay some flowers on her grave and go out to a special luncheon in her honor. If your grandfather was up to it, perhaps having the private seperate time to grieve with those who loved his wife might prove a comfort to him as well.
Death does strange things to some people. As difficult as it may be, perhaps you might offer your frustrations up for the softening of your mil's heart.
I will pray for a happy solution.
Dearest St. Joseph, patron of a happy death, pray for us.
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Red Cardigan
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Martha, you say your dh is a good man with a kind heart...who views arguing with his mother as disrespecting her.
Definitely NOT dumping on your dh. But sometimes in a marriage we have to remind our husbands, gently of course, that they are obligated to put us and our concerns ahead of their mothers' feelings or desires.
If the funeral is being held in a public place (church, funeral home, etc.) then it is not proper for anyone to exclude your children from attending, unless for some reason children aren't welcome in the particular public place.
Here's what I'd do: show up to the funeral with the children. Decline the invitation to the memorial and luncheon; word your regrets this way: We will be unable to attend the luncheon as it will be necessary for us to feed our children after the funeral service. If you like, host your own memorial luncheon back at your house for those people who do have kids; sandwich trays etc. can be prepared before hand, and you can invite anyone who might be attending the funeral with children.
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Jan 24 2008 at 2:33pm | IP Logged
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Oh, I'm so sorry this has happened.
I'd start with dh and see if you can convince him to stand with you and bring the kids. He doesn't have to argue with his mother, just bring them.
I am baffled by the no-kids-at-meal part, frankly. In my family, we've always left young (under 5) kids at home for the funeral/gravesite service, but they've never been excluded from the meal that followed.
I will pray; I'm honestly totally confused by this bizarre demand. I guess, since she's told your dh's cousin the same thing, that she just doesn't want children around...but, ????
Can dh's grandfather step in and say it's OK to bring kids, or is he just too sad to ask him to do this?
{{{hugs for you}}}
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Betsy
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| Posted: Jan 24 2008 at 3:23pm | IP Logged
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Martha wrote:
but my dh is a good man with a kind heart who does love her and views arguing with her has disrespecting her.
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This sounds just like my husband! This "issue" has affected us through our entire marriage.
Honestly I would recommend that you and your husband do some serious praying together for guidance. I know time is short...maybe you could pick a St. Joseph Novena (patron for a happy death is close to happy funeral attendance..right?!?) and pray it every hour for nine hours OR attend an hour of Adoration together and then have a serious heart to heart.
From my experience anything that is said MUST come from your husband and you MUST be united on this in front of your MIL. After the fact, any comment/discussion from your MIL MUST be dealt with by your DH.
Betsy
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Martha
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| Posted: Jan 24 2008 at 3:52pm | IP Logged
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his grandfather is probably completely ignorant of it all and bashing his favorite daughter at this time doesn't seem appropriate however true?
normally I agree dh should put us before all others, but this is not one of those times. I want to do what HE needs me to do and if that's make nice and stay home, then I'd be hurt, but I'd do it.
it's a closed casket with grave side prayer, then on to a church across town for a memorial service and lunch.
we've pretty much decided to leave the kids with a sitter for the gravesite part, then come get them for the memorial.
my dh wants us there, so that's the way it's going to be. i doubt she'll say or do anyting because she is VERY into having a perfect appearances. (dh and I half jokingly call her Mrs. Bucket - pronounced "Bouquet"  ) and besides that, we don't intend to give her any reason to change that. the kids will get a firm talking to before we go and stay with us the entire time so there shouldn't be any problems.
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Martha
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Maryan
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| Posted: Jan 24 2008 at 5:38pm | IP Logged
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Martha... lots of sympathy for the situation. I'll pray it goes well.
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Erin
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| Posted: Jan 24 2008 at 7:08pm | IP Logged
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Martha wrote:
we've pretty much decided to leave the kids with a sitter for the gravesite part, then come get them for the memorial.
my dh wants us there, so that's the way it's going to be. i doubt she'll say or do anyting because she is VERY into having a perfect appearances. (dh and I half jokingly call her Mrs. Bucket - pronounced "Bouquet" ) and besides that, we don't intend to give her any reason to change that. the kids will get a firm talking to before we go and stay with us the entire time so there shouldn't be any problems. |
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I was going to suggest this, for you and dh's cousin to just turn up with the kids and bank on her not making a scene in public.
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Servant2theKing
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Deepest sympathy over your family's loss and over the tension you are experiencing.
One thing to consider...some cultures or earlier generations have very different approaches to death and funerals. Your mil may come from a background where children were "sheltered" from such things, or perhaps she was raised with "children are seen and not heard"...it may be that she simply takes it for granted that children don't attend because that's all she's ever known. If anything is said when you bring your children, you might simply, and lovingly, say that you believe it's very important to include your children in such moments of life so you can teach them that such times are a natural part of life on earth. Try to respond lovingly and calmly...you may very well begin a new family tradition that helps your children, and future generations, deal with death as a normal part of journeying to Heaven.
When all is said and done, funerals are a blessed opportunity to pray for a soul as they meet the Lord, and to honor their life here on earth. It often dishonors the deceased when family members bicker or display their most difficult or uncharitable traits. Those who struggle with relationships already don't usually transform into more agreeable souls overnight and they especially don't do so in the most trying times, such as funerals. Your mil sounds like a soul who carries deep wounds of some sort from her past, especially in regard to children. It may help if you try to see beyond her current attitudes and actions, and try to have the Heart of Christ as you interact with her. She sounds like a woman in need of prayer and healing.
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Martha
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well no doubt she needs prayer, but I have told my dh that there comes a point where one is not building a relationship, but simply hurting themselves. that's how I feel with her at this point. she's literally cause for confession. seriously. I know I'm responsible for myself, but this woman nit picks the worst out of me and the mama bear too - a really bad combination! 
so I'm removing myself from a possible occassion for sin. I will do as described above for the sake of my dh but I don't plan to have any contact with her except with dh has the translating middle man or basic civility in passing at group events. which won't be hard because she likes to pretend my dh isn't married and doesn't have children most of the time.
I really don't harbor any ill-will towards her, but she's simply too toxic to my own soul and my family peace. Prayer from a distance seems to be the only and best way to handle her.
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Martha
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juststartn
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Ugh, Martha....
My prayers for you, that this situation just doesn't 'happen' at all...ykwim? Where it just comes down to her not wanting to say/do anything, and you all doing what makes sense for you and your dc--NOT HER.
Rachel (who is quite the Momma Bear too)
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: my mil - talk me down ladies!
