| Author | |
LLMom
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 19 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 995
|
| Posted: June 13 2005 at 8:00pm | IP Logged
|
 |
|
This topic is similar to Bridget's. However, mine has been long term and I don't really know how to get a handle on things. I have 7 children and have always homeschooled. I have one child who has some severe learning and behavioral problems.( he is 12 but is about 7 cognitively and emotionally) I have ages 3months to 15 years so I have many levels to deal with. I am completly overwhelmed by my task and feel like I am failing miserably. My children would complain about school work whether I use CM methods or more school at home so this year dh said we were going to do a traditional program so I didn't have to create my own thing. That was just too big of a task this year and why bother when they are going to groan anyways if I ask this to narrate something. Neither of my boys enjoy reading to themselves. I have done everything to instill a love of reading. I feel like I have been too soft of a parent. I was very much into attachment parenting but I don't think I was firm enough. I went to the other extreme and began instituting ideas from people such as the Pearls and Ezzos (not the feeding aspect). I also got caught up in the idea of letting God totally plan my family and I really wasn't emotionally prepared to deal with the last 2 babies. I find myself yelling and spanking too much now. I hardly ever smile at my children because I have kids crying at me constantly. I feel like I always have to let one of the little ones cry because I have to tend the babies needs. My 22 month old is very jealous of the new baby and just hangs on me. I just feel incapable of meeting all of these little peoples needs. I want to enjoy my time with them and don't want my children to see an unhappy mommy. I guess I feel a lot of guilt over the way I do things and worry about whether they will turn out right. This is all on our shoulders. If they turn out stupid or become a criminal, it will be my fault. I can't blame a school. I am sorry if this is a bit jumbled. I am very tired. Does anyone have any ideas on how to get past a phase like this? I know time will help ( they will get older) but in the meantime, how to survive and not be so stressed. I don't want to wish away the time. 
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
momwise
Forum All-Star
Joined: March 28 2005
Location: Colorado
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1914
|
| Posted: June 13 2005 at 8:33pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Hi,
Your house sounds so much like mine 2 years ago. We had a very hard time with our 2nd ds in his last 2 years of high school and it brought so much stress and unhappiness into our home which carried over into homeschooling.
It was the CM philosophy (not the actual daily plan) that helped me so much. In addition I had to take a more unschool approach in several areas just to survive but it turned out to be a blessing for our future homeschooling days. If narration or personal silent reading is a problem, than leave it for another season. Feel free to let go of what is stressing your family (they can catch up on it next year) and take them on a picnic or out back to paint a mural or whatever it is that makes everyone laugh.
I know you are already praying. If you have many other people praying as well, you will find little consolations and blessings that will help throughout the day. I also found that little by little I could remember to stop and pray before I yelled or acted rashly (by no means have I been able to stop that completely) and confession frequently for everyone helped as well.
I will be praying for you.
__________________
Gwen...wife for 30 years, mom of 7, grandma of 3.....
"If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." JPII
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
jdostalik
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 15 2005
Location: Texas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2935
|
| Posted: June 13 2005 at 9:29pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Hi,
You have a newborn, a 22 month old--and five other children to care for--you are exhausted. I know when I am exhausted that I am more emotional and everything begins to look very bleak indeed...and the worries seem to multiply. This is not good.
You need to rest. Is there a way that one of the older kids could watch the youngers and you and the baby or even you, the baby and the 22 month old could take an afternoon nap together? Perhaps your dh could afford to hire a housekeeper for a short period of time to get you over this hump? Or a young teen could come help out this summer for a few months and allow you to go nap with the baby?
I wish I could offer more help to you--perhaps trying to find some quiet time to just read a good book--a relaxing spiritual book or biography on one of the saints that will help to inspire you...even just a short reading of the psalms or Isaiah can give me immense comfort when I am stressed and tired and feeling overwhelmed with my responsibilities.
God wants you to "cast all your anxieties on him, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7
Please know that I am praying for you...private message me if you would just like to "vent" or chat...
__________________
God Bless,
Jennifer in TX
wife to Bill, mom to six here on earth and eight in heaven.
Let the Little Ones Come
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Bridget
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2198
|
| Posted: June 13 2005 at 10:27pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
LLMom wrote:
| I find myself yelling and spanking too much now. I hardly ever smile at my children because I have kids crying at me constantly. I feel like I always have to let one of the little ones cry because I have to tend the babies needs. My 22 month old is very jealous of the new baby and just hangs on me. I just feel incapable of meeting all of these little peoples needs. I want to enjoy my time with them and don't want my children to see an unhappy mommy. |
|
|
This is something I worked very hard on this past year. Each morning I made a fresh resolution to use a pleasent voice and smile at each child. I made an effort to make eye contact with the older chiildren and laugh together over silly things, usually the younger children's antics.
I made myself sit down and rock little kids even when ten other things were screaming at me to be done. This was so difficult for me!
First time obedience and cheerful attitudes became my discipline mantra. Once I became consistant at enforcing it, I found that I rarely had to discipline.
As i type I realize how much I need to concentrate on these habits again. I have let them slip in all our business. It sure helps to 'think out loud' on these forums.
I'm right there with you in feeling overwhelmed. I'll be praying for you to find the key things that will help you get a handle on life. My guess is that we will continue to feel overwhelmed during different time periods. I think it's unavoidable. My goal is to offer it up, remind myself that it's not about me, and keep trying to be joyful.
I promise, your children won't turn out stupid or criminal.
__________________
God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
ALmom
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 18 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3299
|
| Posted: June 13 2005 at 11:38pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Hi,
Hugs and prayers. I think every mom feels as you have from time to time. It is worst at the end of the school year when everything that went wrong stands out and we want things to be different the next year but cannot see our way to the light.
Sometimes these things can be aggravated by many other stresses - lonliness, needing time with our husbands, not having a chance to think aloud.
I know one of the things that would trigger me into feelings of real sadness (and that is when I tended to be less a parent than I wanted to be) was when I needed something from my husband and had not communicated this to him well enough or was feeling taken for granted.
In schooling, I am so indecisive and feel the burden of the choices. When I finally realized that I really needed my husband to be more involved - not in the day to day necessarily (he certainly didn't have time for that) but in the headship of the family, then I could express in better terms what I was feeling. I felt so alone, burdened with all the choices and unable to confidently know what to do and if something went wrong, I felt the whole weight of it and just couldn't take that kind of pressure. Once my dh knew my feelings, he has asked more questions and has given more thoughtful input into our year-end evaluations and thus guided the choices for the following year. I am free to be the heart of the home and the implementer of OUR plan. I have found how much I need to be able to have quiet time to talk with dh.
Everything is so much work and you certainly have to be able to look realistically at what you can do. Perhaps you and dh can come up with a plan. I have found that asking my dh to hold us all accountable at the end of the day has helped. He expects and I try to enforce certain things like diligence in school work, help with housework and with babies but it sure helps when dad comes home and asks about those things or calls child X over to find out why their chore just didn't get done or even makes a big deal over how proud he is of something the children have done well or compliments me in front of the children or wonders out loud why mom is doing dishes after dinner and no one has come over to help or gives public appreciation for work I have done for the family. It boosts my spirits and I somehow don't feel so invisible.
I know dd and I had a few clashes with clothing choices in her early teens and I told dh how I felt worn out and that I was saying OK when I really didn't want to just because I was tired and worn down and it wasn't that bad. The solution turned out to be so simple. Whenever I began to feel worn down in a clothing discussion, I could fall back on - well I don't really care for it but if you want to take it home and get your dad's opinion , OK, just don't take the tag off so you can bring it back if dad says No. She never brought any of those things home and I never felt worn out again on that issue. I think deep down she really knew it was pushing it but it was the best we'd found and we were both getting worn out.
Hope this helps.
Janet
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Robin
Forum Pro
Joined: March 06 2005
Location: Louisiana
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 74
|
| Posted: June 13 2005 at 11:42pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Bridget wrote:
| First time obedience and cheerful attitudes became my discipline mantra. Once I became consistant at enforcing it, I found that I rarely had to discipline. |
|
|
Can you tell us how you enforced it? I'm feeling overwhelmed with only four. I would love to hear exactly how you got to the point of rarely having to discipline, because it seems that from the moment I get up until all the children go to bed correcting and punishing without results is all I do. 
LLMom, praying for you. May Our Lady take your children under her mantle.
__________________
Robin Dupre
"If we become what God intended for us to become, we will set the world on fire." ~ St. Catherine of Siena
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Leonie
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 28 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2831
|
| Posted: June 14 2005 at 12:36am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Dear LLMom,
I have been where you are - and, coincidentally, it was after the birth of my seventh, too. I was working part time, hsing, facing hassles with my extended family, my dh didn't have a full time job...
I finally realised that for me it was physical. I needed to make sure that *I ate properly, just as I did with my dc. I needed to catch naps on any weekend afternoons that dh was home.I needed time to myself over the week - it ended up being exercise three times a week, when olders HAD to watch youngers for half an hour. I needed the exercise, too. 
I also needed to, on some level, emotionally detach myself from some of the dc's problems. It wasn't all about me - the whining had to stop and I was not going to take it personally . 
And, I drew an image of myself as a sunflower, reaching up to God. I wrote a motto in my diary and in my room - People First.Act Not React.
I remembered that sunflowers brought joy and that would make me smile. If I smiled, usually a child smiled too. The smile, the image and the mottoes had long term effects.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Leonie in Sydney
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
mumofsix
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 07 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 205
|
| Posted: June 14 2005 at 5:10am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Dear LLMom,
You will have helped so many overwhelmed mothers with your very courageous and honest post, as I am sure there are others out there feeling just the same. I have six children, but with mostly very large age gaps (not by choice) so my task is easier than yours. However, homeschooling a houseful is always complicated and demanding, so I have certainly experienced some of the issues you mention.
Could I suggest that you take your Ezzos books and your William Sears bibles and burn them?  The children will have great fun watching the bonfire and you will feel a great burden lifted from your shoulders. I know some have found these authors helpful and I respect that, but they do greatly complicate the job of parenting imo, unnecessarily, and have a tendency to undermine parental confidence. Similarly with homeschooling: we now have such a wealth of ideas and methods and philosophies out there. This can be interesting, even helpful at times, but I know all too many women who are overwhelmed by it all. The boxed curriculum people tend to get overwhelmed by all the external demands, the CCM / unschooling aspirants tend to get overwhelmed if their children are not enjoying it all, which is even more of a burden in some ways.
Child care is simple: your children need to be fed three times a day (the baby more often, naturally). They need adequate rest and sleep, the occasional wash and a daily time outside for fresh air and exercise. They need an education. They need prayer. They need clear and explicit rules and to be supervised until they comply, and they need to feel loved. Punishment is optional and not really necessary.
As far as the education is concerned, probably the easiest route is to ignore all philosophies and deliver the basics via workbooks and then pick one area at a time for delight directed studies, in which you combine students if possible. Reading aloud is also very good and easy. If they enjoy their studies, great. If they don't, and you have reasonably researched the best approaches, don't beat yourself up about it. With consistency most WILL come to enjoy their studies for the most part. Institute a half hour or hour per day when all readers must read. Choose books for them if necessary and try to choose ones they will enjoy. Then let them get on with it and don't worry about it.
If you have any chance of help from your husband or others, direct that at your 12 year old. I have a difficult child too, now aged 17, and I believe he has always been my main source of stress. Spoil that toddler. The baby will be happy if basic needs are met. The toddler needs lots of reassurance. I have always favoured the ex-baby and do not experience sibling jealousy.
It is not all on your shoulders. Ask God to use you to love His children. It is up to Him, not you. You do not have the means to do this; none of us do. It is His job really, they are His children. Just ask Him to make up for your weakness, especially through Mary who has more children than you and knows just what you are going through.
Look after yourself physically as others have said. Sleep and rest and good food, also exercise if possible. Go out with your children for an hour in the garden every day and just play with them, running races, playing badminton: they will love it and so will you, once you get up the courage to do it.
Stay very close to the Church. Study our Church's teachings, not the commentaries of others. Read Humanae Vitae and Familiaris Consortio. Prudence as well as generosity are required of us in our family planning and God is ALWAYS in control: don't worry about "giving" Him control in this area as He has it anyway! Don't second-guess your decisions concerning children already here though: you can be assured THEY were a part of God's plan.
Just keep everything very simple. Don't go out of the house or your own garden for at least four of the five weekdays. Save heavy housework for Saturday and let the children do most of it. Keep Sunday completely free of any housework except essential meal preparation and completely free of any school work or any other obligations. Then at least on one of the days you will be able to stand and stare, or spend a whole hour tossing a ball back and forth with a delighted toddler, as I did this last Sunday!
Sorry this is abrupt: I'm typing quickly and I offer this just as a few ideas in case it helps. I should be back at work now!
Jane.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Mary Chris
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 27 2005
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2175
|
| Posted: June 14 2005 at 7:09am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I do not have any advice for you, but you are in my prayers.
__________________
Blessings, Mary Chris Beardsley
mom to MacKenzie3/95, Carter 12/97 Ronan 3/00 and wife to Jim since 1/92
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Bridget
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2198
|
| Posted: June 14 2005 at 9:03am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Robin wrote:
Bridget wrote:
| First time obedience and cheerful attitudes became my discipline mantra. Once I became consistant at enforcing it, I found that I rarely had to discipline. |
|
|
Can you tell us how you enforced it? I'm feeling overwhelmed with only four. I would love to hear exactly how you got to the point of rarely having to discipline, because it seems that from the moment I get up until all the children go to bed correcting and punishing without results is all I do.
. |
|
|
Two years ago I reallized that how I was disciplining wasn't working. My most common phrase was 'go play now', I was quick to swat and holler as a reaction to something a child did, and my children were not internalizing self control. I often sent them to their rooms for a time out. All this fostered resentment in my children.
Now i have them near me much of the time. We do chores together, school work together, just hang out together. I had to work hard mentally to enjoy their constant company. I do enjoy it naturally now. We make every effort to bond with them through prayer time, work and fun.
By being with them I can head off a problem before it is really a problem. If an argument is starting I can ask a question about the situation that can change it to a discussion and they can figure it out without squabbling.
I can redirect, I often have them 'do it over'. If someone walks away sulkily, I have them come back and do it again with the right attitude. We use 'do overs' often for cheerful attitude practice.
With the older 3, ages 8. 10 and 12, I would fall over in shock if they were outright disobedient or disrespectful to me or their dad. The biggest problem is arguing with each other. When they have problems with each other, the child with the problems has to stay by me. We talk about how to handle the problem better. Maybe some role playing, if I'm really on top of things. I put the child to work, assign push ups and sit ups, anything that helps them change their direction. Sometimes I have to pull out the BIG GUNS. I call Dad.
With Dad, they are quick to suck in their gut, stand at attention, get a job... say 'yes sir, right away sir'! OK, it not quite that military, but it amazes me how easily they respond to his leadership.
With the younger children we do spank. If they are not obedient the first time, they will get a swat on the rear. Of course, I make sure they are capable of following the direction before i give it. I try not to give a direction if I can't get up and enforce it.
If I am swatting often, I know that I'm not with them enough. I need to be with them to see a problem coming and to make sure I set them up for success. The swat should be reminder that mom and dad are the authority, not a punishment. We swat calmly and early, before everyone is all bent out of shape with the situation.
I know some people have success without swatting. We don't. The problem may be with us, not the method. I'm dealing with some wild Scottish blood here. We have found that if we are firm and consistant early, we have fewer problems later.
I know this is getting long, sorry. Two more thoughts. Our children will never be perfect (neither are we), they need parents, so our job is never really done and we won't see the fruits of our labors for many years, although we see glimmers.
The Bible and the Catechism are clear that children must obey their parents and by learning to obey their parents, they are learning to obey God himself.
Whew, now if I could just remember my own advice all the time! When I get lax or too busy, I can see it quickly in the children's behavior. When I am mothering this way, family life generally goes so well and is such a joy. These practices work well for us.
__________________
God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
LLMom
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 19 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 995
|
| Posted: June 14 2005 at 12:03pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Thanks everyone. I think I do need to focus on myself-- as in getting enough rest, exercise and good food. I think someone hit the nail on the head. I think I have information overload! When problems occur, I start reading all of this info on the internet and many of them have merit but you will get things like "you will have unhappy children if you spank." "you are sinning if you don't spank." "your children will hate learning if they have to use workbooks." "unschooling will make your children have gaps in the education." It can make mothers feel bad/guilty because we moms want to do things that are right and we want our children to be happy. I guess that is where i need dh guidance more than ever. He can see past all of the craziness and doesn't have all of those opinions to see. He told me that everything will be ok to use a traditional hs program this year to make things easy. He keeps telling me not to feel guilty.
__________________
Lisa
For veteran & former homeschool moms
homeschooling ideas
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: overwhelmed
