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St. Ann
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| Posted: June 10 2015 at 3:32am | IP Logged
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The very best friend of my oldest dd(19), considered by all my dds to be the big sister, has decided the Holy Mother Church is wrong in her teachings on sexuality.  She is 21 and has a new boyfriend, also catholic, sleeps over at his apartment, and has told my dd that she put too much pressure on her to keep to the teachings of the Church....  I mean - really NUTS! 
Hannah fears for her friend and at the same time is very scared to even ask about her new boyfriend. She just doesn't want to know. This is a difficult balancing act for her to say the least. They don't see each other so often, but do talk regularly. I found it absurd and almost brutal that the friend took Hannah with her to ikea to buy a bigger bed for her new apartment and then build it up together. H. did ask her if her mother knows that she stays the night with the bf - she answered , yes, and mom has no problem with it. Gf has not approached me on the subject, so I don't feel that it is right for me to call her and say my mind, and the Truth for that matter. I also know that she is not the most emotionally stable person.
What can I do, but support Hannah. The gf has spent the last 3 Christmas' Feasts with us , but I truly don't see that happening again if her view doesn't change. I have 3 young girls who look up to her.! She might not have any desire to be here with us anyway. The younger girls don't know about this conflict. The gf lives 7 hours away, as does Hannah, so it is nothing happening before our own eyes...
I have been praying for the gf and also trying to support Hannah. She is surrounded by good people, but has not yet shared this info with them as not to cause scandal.
I do worry about Hannah's own faith during this trial. They grew up together! It is very hard on her.
Has anyone any experience with this kind of situation? Suggestions?
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Stephanie
Wife and mother to Hannah '96, Maria '99, Dorothea '01, Helena '03
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SallyT
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| Posted: June 10 2015 at 6:55am | IP Logged
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My oldest daughter (now 21) has had friends who've made poor choices in life, starting in high school. In some cases she's kind of naturally distanced herself, or been distanced -- friend is too wrapped up in bad boyfriend, or other bad life scenario, to have much time anyway. What she's mainly come away with is the impression that people call these choices "bad" for a reason. She does not see her friends being happier or more fulfilled by their choices, whatever they might say.
My role has been to have lots of conversations . . . and to ask questions like, "Does she really seem happy this way?" "What's going to happen if . . . " Usually she says things like, "I know, right? He's just using her, but she can't see that!"
If she hasn't read Sigrid Undset's Kristin Lavransdatter, she's at a great age to do that. Also Alice von Hildebrand's The Privilege of Being a Woman. Anything to counter the cultural messages. At our family rosary last night, my husband shared an article by Lord Rabbi Jonathan Sacks in which Sacks projected that by 2016 children born out of wedlock would be a majority in Great Britain. Girls, especially, who want marriage are going to feel more and more alone, I fear (young men, too, for that matter). They need all the support and affirmation they can get.
At the same time, we've never closed our doors to any of our kids' friends. Significant others don't come to stay with us -- it's always just the girlfriend who comes to see the daughter. And whatever conversations they have don't tend to trickle down to the younger kids. Again, often in this situations the friendships tend to wane, at least while the situation is going on, because the girlfriend doesn't have the time for or interest in her friends, being all wrapped up in the boyfriend.
But even at younger ages, my oldest particularly has had friends in bad situations, including one friend whose *mother* was always moving them into and out of various boyfriends' houses. And my daughter knew this. I think knowing it made her all the more determined *not* to live like that, and certainly not ever to make her own children live like that. She could see the damage it did, and again, we talked about it a LOT.
It is hard, and a loss of innocence for a young woman to see her friends choose these situations. I think the best thing you can do, besides pray, is to be a sounding board for your daughter, encourage her to talk about her concerns, and validate her own sense of the reasons why this kind of life is no road to happiness, and Holy Mother Church is wise and right!
Sally
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 10 2015 at 12:10pm | IP Logged
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When faced with situations that are not in keeping with Church teaching and young children, I tend to point out to the kids that sometimes anyone can make poor choices and it's very sad, and so the best thing we can do is pray for them. Somehow making it a "sad" thing the younger kids don't feel much need to talk about it a lot or say inappropriate things (for the relationship - child to adult).
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All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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St. Ann
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| Posted: June 10 2015 at 1:15pm | IP Logged
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At Easter I gave Hannah "The Privilege of Being a Woman" . I don't know if she read it yet. Sally, she has witnessed this path with other friends, but not with anyone so close and truly like an older sister as now.
It is so difficult to witness this turning away from the Truth and convincing herself that her choices are good for her.! And then attend Sunday Mass and receive Communion??? I guess I just feel so helpless.
Would you mention to someone that they maybe should not receive ?
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Stephanie
Wife and mother to Hannah '96, Maria '99, Dorothea '01, Helena '03
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jawgee
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| Posted: June 10 2015 at 1:38pm | IP Logged
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I haven't raised any children through the teen years yet, but do have younger siblings.
I want to mention that a large, large percentage of kids will make mistakes in the area of sexuality and relationships before they reach adulthood. I daresay the vast majority. Although I wasn't raised Catholic and wasn't raised to value purity, I did see many friends fail to embrace the teachings that their parents taught.
I would hesitate to insert myself into the situation. This girl knows what the church teaches and has made another choice. In my opinion, the best thing to do is to remain close, welcome her with love, and try to guide her (and her boyfriend, another precious child of God) by your example. Any hint of condemnation, judgment, or even disappointment could cause her to separate even further from the church.
We are a hospital for sinners, and all are welcome. Pray that she will come to fully understand and embrace the church's teaching, and at the same time recognize that the culture makes it very difficult to do so. She is sinning, of course, but she is also a young victim of the sin that surrounds us all every day.
She's a valuable soul. Don't give up on her. The road to adulthood is wrought with potholes and detours.
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Monica
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Erin
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| Posted: June 11 2015 at 7:01am | IP Logged
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St. Ann wrote:
| I do worry about Hannah's own faith during this trial. |
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Oh  to you Mama. This is going to be a real test of Faith for your Hannah but she will come out of it far stronger.
When I was an adult somebody who was pivotal in my Faith journey also decided to follow their own desires and not Our Lord's teachings. It was a dark, hard time, many, many times I fell to my knees in prayer but...I came out of that time knowing, oh so knowing that it was my Faith, not just the Faith that I'd accepted because I had been raised to love the Church. I already thought I had accepted it as mine, but this crisis took it to a whole new level. So praying for your dear girl, and I know you will continue to give her good counsel and strength, and she will emerge far stronger.
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Erin
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: when a girl goes astray
