| Author | |
mamaslearning
Forum All-Star
Joined: Nov 12 2007
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 927
|
| Posted: Jan 24 2015 at 7:28am | IP Logged
|
 |
|
I have always wanted to be a wife and mother, and stay home. Unfortunately, I also struggle with sloth and selfishness. I am struggling to be a good wife, not perfect, but at least do my part to run the household. I tend to overexxagerate how "hard" it is to keep up with laundry, dishes, and school when in reality it is all in my head. I absolutely have plenty of time to make these things happen, I just choose tv, internet, filed trips over the work. I have an aversion to hard work, but I truly do want to change. I just don't know how, nor have the support I need as an emotionally charged person. I keep reading Holly Pierot's book over and over, but I seem to make no progress. I as able to do one week of going to bed with only a book(and not Netflix), getting up early, and managing our day, but it only lasted a week. Once the routine was interrupted, I fell back on old habits.
Any support or advice on changing attitudes? I need a catalyst, but I'm so engulfed by laziness that it's going to take some big dynamite.
Thanks for listening!
__________________
Lara
DD 11, DS 8, DS 6, DS 4
St. Francis de Sales Homeschool
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
roomintheheart
Forum Pro
Joined: Jan 08 2013
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 110
|
| Posted: Jan 24 2015 at 8:16am | IP Logged
|
|
|
The days when I pray for motivation (usually this occurs in the shower), I am much more motivated.
My best advice would be not to try to change everything all at once. Pick one area that you need to work on and work on it until it is mastered. That could be meal-planning, housekeeping, laundry, whatever. When I do this is has sometimes taken me as long as a year to get a certain area under control (um, matching socks  ). But then once I find a routine or system that works for me, I can move on and add one more thing to work on. It adds up--I've been doing this for years, and my homemaking skills have gotten much better.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SallyT
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 08 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2489
|
| Posted: Jan 24 2015 at 8:27am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Oh, I struggle so much with these things, Lara!
Some things that have helped me:
1) Not reading books that make me feel like a failure. (maybe not looking at Pinterest, either -- funny how forgetting my password has freed up all kinds of time and energy . . . :) ) Anyway, eliminating or at least minimizing even objectively good influences that make me feel defeated before I even start, because I can never "be like that." Admirable though Holly Pierlot is, her Rule of Life may not be for you, and I would put her down, at least for a while.
2) Baby steps towards diligence. That's the opposing virtue to sloth, as my confessors have long suggested -- the best way to combat sloth is to focus less on the sin and more on the corresponding virtue. So changing ONE habit in the direction of diligence and letting that take hold, without worrying about anything else, is a start.
For me it was shutting down the computer and going to bed when my husband goes to bed -- or before, though generally, being Wellness Man these days, and having been Self-Discipline Man forever, he does go to bed before I do. So I get more sleep, and I'm disconnected from distractions to focus on my husband. One thing, but it's huge. And the knock-on effect is that I'm up earlier with more energy the next day, though I've never yet made a plan for managing my day. It just does go better when I'm rested.
3) For me, staying on top of things like laundry and housekeeping has been huge. I've never been a particularly poor housekeeper -- my house has always been at least clean-ish and uncluttered-ish. But the laundry would back up, and other tasks would go undone either by me or the children (hard to tell other people what to do when you're overwhelmed yourself), and things would spiral out of control. This cycle always has the effect of making me feel that much more defeated, and then ungrateful -- I start hating my house, wanting to dynamite it, or just move and start over . . .
What actually helped me to begin breaking this cycle was that my dryer died last spring, and we didn't get another one for a long time -- basically we waited for a free one to come along, which it finally did.
So I hung the laundry to dry. This was kind of galvanizing: first, I found that although I've always thought I hated doing laundry, I really kind of liked the routine of hanging it on the line, because it was a chance to be by myself and think, because who wants to come and interrupt you when you're hanging laundry (you might make them do it)? And second, I knew that if I didn't keep up with it, everything would spin out of control fast.
So my life last summer was basically about laundry. It was the defining activity of my day. And I found that it was actually manageable (I know, mothers of ten can laugh at me -- I'm talking about five/six people's laundry here), as long as I just made myself do it. Wash, hang, take down, fold into the basket, let people put away their own. Repeat. Now that I have a dryer again, this seems ridiculously easy. The challenge is just not to let myself ignore the laundry in the dryer -- amazing how much more smoothly everything runs when people all have their clothes.
4) Making it easy for myself or the children to do things in baby steps. After years of refusing to buy paper products or commercial cleaning supplies, because waste and chemicals, I have given myself permission to buy things like cleaning wipes, which I have stashed everywhere -- under cabinets in both bathrooms, and in the kitchen. I keep my supply built up so that we don't run out, because that would totally derail us!
If I'm in a bathroom, I take two seconds to wipe the counter or the floor around the toilet -- or I instruct a child to do it. Ditto woodwork. Just grab a wipe and wipe down a section that's dusty or fingerprinted. Supplies are right there, and it's not a big deal. I keep microfiber dusters and a dust mop for the same reason: it's a pain to get out the vacuum cleaner, but I can grab a duster or mop off the rack in the kitchen and give some dusty thing, or the floor, a quick swipe. It doesn't *feel* like a lot of work. It's more a matter of just paying attention, and then taking two minutes to attend to whatever I've paid attention to (funny how that's the same word -- attend and attention!). But the house looks and feels cleaner and more orderly.
5) Working with everyone on the habit of putting away whatever you get out before you do anything else. I have to pay attention, because they won't, but they do the actual putting-away.
6) In all of this, thinking about St. Therese and her Little Way. I identify so much with her observation (and I'm not quoting exactly here, just remembering) that for her to think about the Great Staircase of Perfection is defeating -- but she can love God in every small thing that she does. I find this hugely comforting. It's become the heart of my devotional life, and largely what I'm talking about when I make my Morning Offering: that I will do many small, inconsequential things, but I will do them for Jesus. This little thing, that little thing. I can't focus on Everything, or get too bogged down in what I should do but am not (though there's a place for being mindful of omissions). Just this thing, then that thing. At the end of the day, I can offer Him my handful of things, and even if they aren't everything, they aren't nothing, either, which is progress.
Anyway -- I'm not you, but I relate so much to what you say. I'm a similarly emotionally charged person, who tends to rollercoaster through life: either I'm on a high, and everything is GREAT, UNDER CONTROL, MOVING AHEAD -- or I'm totally in the Slough of Despond, getting nothing done. I do really think that the secret is not big dynamite, but little dynamite. You won't change your whole self or your life overnight (and you can't on your own, anyway, without God's grace -- here is where Confession is totally your friend), but with that grace, you can manage one little thing at a time.
I hope this helps you. And now I need to make myself take a computer break and go do some small things! :)
Sally
__________________
Castle in the Sea
Abandon Hopefully
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
organiclilac
Forum All-Star
Joined: March 30 2006
Location: Illinois
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 640
|
| Posted: Jan 24 2015 at 9:55am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Hi Lara! I think I could have written your post. I have Holly Pierot's book, too, but mine is still in shrink wrap, and I don't think it'll be coming out any time soon. I've heard enough about it to know that that's just not how I roll.  I found this post, A meditation on the shocking idea that maybe we’re actually not just lazy whiners, by Jennifer Fulwiler, to be very encouraging. I think we see other families, DIFFERENT families, where some things seem to go more smoothly, and we just think we're failures. But many of us have legitimately hard lives, and sometimes we need to sit and get some encouragement from our friends that live in the computer rather than fold another load of laundry. For me, there are definitely things I need to do better, both in terms of housework and (maybe more so) in training my kids to do housework. But I don't feel as guilty as I used to that I don't have an immaculate house and check Facebook multiple times a day. It's not perfect, but it's within my husband's tolerance zone, and it works for us.
__________________
Tracy, wife to Shawn, mama to Samuel (4/01) and Joseph (11/11), and Thomas (2/15)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
jawgee
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 02 2011
Location: New Hampshire
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1415
|
| Posted: Jan 24 2015 at 11:24am | IP Logged
|
|
|
SallyT wrote:
What actually helped me to begin breaking this cycle was that my dryer died last spring, and we didn't get another one for a long time -- basically we waited for a free one to come along, which it finally did.
So I hung the laundry to dry. This was kind of galvanizing: first, I found that although I've always thought I hated doing laundry, I really kind of liked the routine of hanging it on the line, because it was a chance to be by myself and think, because who wants to come and interrupt you when you're hanging laundry (you might make them do it)? And second, I knew that if I didn't keep up with it, everything would spin out of control fast. |
|
|
It's so funny that you decided to write this. I decided that, in order to save on electricity each month, I would hang all of our laundry. For some reason, with very little effort at all on my part, I am able to stay on top of the laundry. It's quiet and relaxing to hang it, I fold three or four pieces each time I go by the rack (almost mindlessly, just because I notice it). I put the laundry in two baskets - one for the boys to put away, one for the girls to put away.
It's been a very simple way to feel accomplishment during the day.
I still have a long ways to go, but I found it so interesting that I wasn't the only one who found that not using a dryer was freeing!
__________________
Monica
C (12/2001), N (11/2005), M (5/2008), J (8/2009) and three angels
The Catholic Cup on Facebook
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SallyT
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 08 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2489
|
| Posted: Jan 24 2015 at 11:59am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I knew I wan't alone in my craziness! And it is funny, isn't it. If it weren't for the cold rainy winter, I'd happily do without a dryer, though I'm glad to have one now -- things don't dry as quickly on racks inside (and often tend to sour, so they have to be washed again -- I hate that!), and people grouse when they have to wait two days for their corduroy pants to be wearable again.
When it's sunny I do still hang things like comforters and big towels -- I wait for a pretty day to do big bedding laundry so it can all hang in the sun and air naturally before I put it away. I definitely plan to use my line again come spring and summer.
And yes, folding it becomes so much more a part of the process. Each piece is there in your hand, and you're going to put it in the basket anyway, so why not fold it? Pulling a big wad of stuff out of the dryer isn't the same thing at all. AND things like napkins don't need ironing if you hang them. Not that I typically iron my napkins anyway, but I like it when they LOOK as if I had ironed them. :)
Sally
__________________
Castle in the Sea
Abandon Hopefully
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: Jan 24 2015 at 12:56pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I find folding laundry not relaxing but hmmm maybe calming.. I think maybe just getting outside to hang it up feels good.
It's a struggle to do housework. It's always the same and you do it over and over and it's never just all done.
So a couple of things I do...
Redefine accomplishment. Did I do X loads of laundry then celebrate I did what I should get done.. the laundry doesn't have to be "all done" for this. Same with dishes.. Were all the dishes done before I made dinner? (much easier for me than the typical all done before bed) again.. celebrate.. doesn't matter that more dishes showed up as soon as I was done.
Reward System All those things that you find yourself doing instead of the housework.. they aren't bad things, but they can be "carrots". I can sit at the computer for 15 minutes if I get the laundry folded and the machines running. Then after my 15 minutes if I get the bathroom cleaned up I get to sit for another 15 minutes.
Combine Tasks Get the kids to join in on the chores when you do them.. give them 15 minutes to run around outside or such. Fold the laundry at one end of the table while they're sitting at the other end of the table working on math (I don't know about you but I tend to be needed even during working on their own). Nothing like getting two tasks out of the way at once and the kids will do well working for "carrots", same as you so if you have work together time and break time for everyone, everyone will get more in the habit of doing it and you won't find your break time feels like less because you're having to direct children during it.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Kristie 4
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 20 2006
Location: Canada
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1508
|
| Posted: Jan 24 2015 at 4:32pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Funny with the laundry hanging- we have always been hang everything people, and generally the laundry has been sort of in control. But since taking on a part-time evening job, and using the dryer a bit, I find that we have laundry log jam going on downstairs!
__________________
Kristie in Canada
Mom to 3 boys and one spunky princess!!
A Walk in the Woods
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SeaStar
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 16 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 9068
|
| Posted: Jan 24 2015 at 5:05pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Lara-
I find I work harder if I give myself permission to be "off" at night. That is to say- I'm not mopping the floor or tackling a closeout clean out after dinner.
If I were working outside the home, I would be done with work at a certain time. And as we all put in our time as moms, and especially homeschooling moms, I like to know that I can have some free time later if I work hard now.
__________________
Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
stefoodie
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 17 2005
Location: Ohio
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 8457
|
| Posted: Jan 24 2015 at 5:54pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I have been off and on like this for years!!! So I totally know what what you mean. :) <hugs> Don't be so hard on yourself.
I also have addiction tendencies so if I'm not careful I can stay on the computer all day and just read/gab/waste time.
Here's something I've been trying to do more the past few months and it's been helping:
- Planning the night before. I pick 1-4 DO THIS TODAY items. I try not to overwhelm myself by picking too many things.
- Start the day right -- Scripture, prayer, meditation.
Doing just those two above REALLY helped me.
Then if you think you're making progress with those ^ you can try other things:
To do the above I also try to
- Plan the week on Sunday -- put 30 things on a list that I want to accomplish that week.
- Plan the next month on the last day of the month - Put all the things I can think of on a list
I find that there are MANY things I'm not able to accomplish, but I also find that there are a lot I'm able to.
If you get derailed in the middle of the week, that's okay. Start again the following week.
I also get very bored right away with doing the same routine, every single day. A couple of things that has helped me:
There are days I go 5-15 minutes each room, tidying, decluttering, just doing what I can -- room to room to room -- until I get tired. And then stop for the rest of the day.
And then there are weeks when I'll decide, okay, one room a day. I leave the other rooms alone.
And then there are days I tell the kids, we'll all clean the house together -- we go room to room to room, 5 minutes each. Amazing what we can accomplish in just 20 minutes. You can double or triple that time depending on how much needs to be done.
Just keep trying :)
If you REALLY want one major solution?
HAVE A PARTY (POTLUCK if you don't like to cook).
Seriously. This gets EVERYONE moving in our house, and the house is clean for at least one evening, and a couple more days after that. :D
__________________
stef
mom to five
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
mamaslearning
Forum All-Star
Joined: Nov 12 2007
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 927
|
| Posted: Jan 26 2015 at 1:16pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Such wonderful ideas and support! Thank you! Saturday I set a goal of one room supercleaned and I acheived that. I was humming along with another room when hubby's project needed me, so I redirected and accomplished reorganizing and cleaning out the kithcen island and junk drawer. Wasn't expecting to do that, but it was something that needed to be done and I didn't get upset that "my plans" were derailed.
Sunday was a pure day of rest! I didn't beat myself up for not trying to get something done and enjoyed the day. Today we've have school, a quick kitchen clean-up and laundry is in the works. I feel so much better this week about where I'm headed and how to get there - one small step at a time. Mass was a tremendouse success yesterday (my panic had returned recently, but I made it through Mass with no incidence) and has given me the graces needed to put on new glasses this week and "see" things differently. I cannot express how much I appreciate all of your support.
Sally, yes, a roller coaster! I realize that my emotions wreak havoc on my house and life. You can definitely tell how I'm feeling by walking in my house and seeing what sort of disarry it is in each day. I love the idea of making things easier - wipes. I can always go back to more economic/environmental ways once things are in control.
Tracy, haven't read the link yet, but it's in my 'to read' file for later today.
Jodie - redefining accomplishments make so much sense. Nothing is ever totally finihsed, but there are ways to see accomplishments. I need to think on this some more.
I never thought of being "off" in the evening Melinda. It just never occured to me to frame it that way, but I can see how this would be helpful.
Stef, thank you! This speaks to my controlling side - lists. I teach class in my house once a week, so the day before is always a whirlwind of last minute cleaning. I want to get more organized and scheduled so that every week isn't a chaotic countdown to class.
__________________
Lara
DD 11, DS 8, DS 6, DS 4
St. Francis de Sales Homeschool
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
mamaslearning
Forum All-Star
Joined: Nov 12 2007
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 927
|
| Posted: Jan 26 2015 at 2:01pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
organiclilac wrote:
| Hi Lara! I think I could have written your post. I have Holly Pierot's book, too, but mine is still in shrink wrap, and I don't think it'll be coming out any time soon. I've heard enough about it to know that that's just not how I roll. I found this post, A meditation on the shocking idea that maybe we’re actually not just lazy whiners, by Jennifer Fulwiler, to be very encouraging. I think we see other families, DIFFERENT families, where some things seem to go more smoothly, and we just think we're failures. But many of us have legitimately hard lives, and sometimes we need to sit and get some encouragement from our friends that live in the computer rather than fold another load of laundry. For me, there are definitely things I need to do better, both in terms of housework and (maybe more so) in training my kids to do housework. But I don't feel as guilty as I used to that I don't have an immaculate house and check Facebook multiple times a day. It's not perfect, but it's within my husband's tolerance zone, and it works for us. |
|
|
Wow! What an interesting post. Thank you for sharing. 
I am so used to thinking it's all my fault, I mean, I *am* the one home all day, I *am* the one with my children all-the-time, so it does appear that anything in the house or related to the kids is my fault. I guess I've had this distorted thinking that I *should* be able to do all the things like laundry, cleaning, teaching, etc., but I never really thought about how hard it truly is to do those things. Just catching my breath and acknowledging that it *is* difficult eases the tension I feel a bit. Not that I can now use that as an excuse.
Thankfully, while I do succomb to comparisons at times, it is not a significant part of feelings of failure. Wait, I take that back, I do compare, but it's to an ideal in my head and not something tangible I see around me (IRL or online). Honestly, most of the people I know IRL struggle just as much as I do, and I would be considered a neat freak in comparison to some households. What I lack in comparison is the ability to let it go. I truly want a neat and clean house and I haven't given up, I just beat myself down so much that I'm too exhausted to work towards my goal. Most IRL acknowledge that life is hard and that's a good excuse to throw up the hands and just keep surviving instead of climbing out of the mess.
What a blessing this has been. Lots to ponder. I'm head now to another forum to inquire about devotionals.
__________________
Lara
DD 11, DS 8, DS 6, DS 4
St. Francis de Sales Homeschool
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
Forum Locked) 
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: being a wife
