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countrymom
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| Posted: Jan 14 2015 at 9:06pm | IP Logged
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I have been home schooling for about 12 years. I have always been pretty tough in my hide, knowing that my husband and I know best for our children. But this week my mother in law contacted my husband with an offer to help our oldest daughter financially with some online schooling so that she would not be left to "scramble" like our oldest son.
I am not saying ours is a perfect Seaton home, far from it. But I have done my best and my best is all I could do. I am currently 18 weeks pregnant with our 8th baby. We have a busy home and school. I have done my best to get good resources. We always have piles of books from the library around the house for fiction and general interest reading. My children love to read and have very good comprehension skills. I bought Teaching Textbooks, Saxon Dive, tried in vain to find tutors in our rural area for english and math. We eventually found success with online Catholic schooling and it seems that is the answer to our academic struggles.
I don't know why I am so offended. I can usually just let it go. It bugs me so much that she contacted my husband, who has absolutely no hand in the schooling, rather than me, to offer the help. My husband is a "hand over the checkbook and pat me on the back" homeschool principal. He fully supports me, but that is about it for help. I feel like she was directly criticizing me and my homeschooling efforts, wanting to jump in and "save" my poor daughter.
I should also mention that she is a feminist who has no faith and thinks it is terrible that our girls "are forced" to wear skirts all the time and learn (shock) homemaking skills instead of being pushed to overachieve academically while being pushed toward some 4 year college for a business degree.
How do you deal with those well meaning (i think) relatives who have absolutely NO IDEA what a real life homeschooling day is like in a large family. People who live near you, but do not bother to get involved with your life and really try to find out what your daily reality is like and how they can really support and help you. People who think they know all the solutions to your homeschooling problems,,,,like send them to public school where the "experts" can teach them...not their archaic, pre modern Catholic mom.
it is probably just pregnancy hormones mixed with a huge amount of pride. But I am the first to admit that my homeschool is not top notch. We just do the best we can for the Glory of God and for our salvation.
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JodieLyn
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Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
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| Posted: Jan 14 2015 at 10:46pm | IP Logged
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Take a deep breath (or two or three... hundred  )
First, I'm sure she contacted your husband because he is her son. And that's ok.
Second, is she trying to "take control"? or specify only those classes she's willing to pay for? Are they classes your daughter would want to take if she's doing that? If she's truly offering to help, and your daughter gets to pick the classes without pressure from grandma, and she's not going to hover and make sure the money is "well-spent". It's not a bid for control or to oust you.
Third, it's very hard to offer help because you care and want to without sounding judgmental so do cut her some slack.
So consider the offer, just that.. an offer, and if there aren't strings (or only ones you can live with), and it's something you want (you did say you do online schooling already), I'd seriously consider accepting.
Most of the rest of that is just issues you normally have with this person and may not have anything to do with the offer, unless there's those strings.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Jan 14 2015 at 11:32pm | IP Logged
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Jodie, like you, is homeschooling a lovely, large family. I know she's speaking from the heart, and I agree with the points she's made in her post. (My mother-in-law addresses all of her important concerns to my husband, not to me, so I think Jodie's first point is spot on...and I understand why you would find this frustrating, too, as a loving daughter-in-law.)
I'm the mom of two, and this 13th year of homeschooling will be my last. I have, like you, lived in a very rural area (WV in my case) and I understand what it's like to do your best with what you have. We found that the drawbacks (long drives to libraries, museums, etc.) were more than offset by the positive aspects of rural life. My children had a real childhood during those years, where they could run to the park and play with friends without fear, and where we could go on hikes and catch butterflies and do many other things that we could not do before or after that time. Some of the positive aspects of rural life make no sense to people who have bought into the factory education idea. Our public schools are stuck with the high-stakes testing model, but we are not, and I, personally, have met a lot of people who don't understand why we deliberately walked away from the "accountability" of yearly testing and didn't pressure our children to take AP exams or go to Catholic high school or a prestigious university.
In other words, you're not alone. It's perfectly fine to handle things your way. Your children will really appreciate the life skills you have taught them when they move into their own homes or into college dorms (they know how to do laundry already, I'm guessing!).
But it's also okay to accept outside help if that help fits in with the plan you and your husband have created for your family. My parents have a tendency to swoop in with offers they think will be marvelous for us...and, in fact, most of the time their swoop-ins do turn out to be marvelous for our children, even though they don't match up with our plans for that week/month. We've always accepted my parents' offers and I have never regretted it, even when our lesson plans were completely upended.
If I were in your shoes, I would make this decision and all others related to my children's education with my husband and no one else. You don't owe giant explanations for your decisions to family members, but you do owe them the courtesy of open-minded consideration of any offers they make. Perhaps your daughter could benefit from the online courses...or not. You and your husband are in charge and must prayerfully consider what is best for each of your children.
One last thought...high school and college are SO different now, in so many ways, from the experiences my parents had, or those my husband I and I had...and even my just-graduated son's college experience will be nothing like that of my daughter's, because she is 6 years younger. The goals are the same but the process has morphed into something completely different. It may be that the program your MIL wants to support will really help your daughter...or it might not. Again, you and your husband will have to talk about things first, and then present a united front to his mother, regardless of the path you choose.
I am praying for you, with lots and lots of empathy, and I am confident many of our members here are praying for you, too.
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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countrymom
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| Posted: Jan 15 2015 at 8:09am | IP Logged
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JodieLyn wrote:
Take a deep breath (or two or three... hundred )
Second, is she trying to "take control"? or specify only those classes she's willing to pay for? Are they classes your daughter would want to take if she's doing that? If she's truly offering to help, and your daughter gets to pick the classes without pressure from grandma, and she's not going to hover and make sure the money is "well-spent". It's not a bid for control or to oust you.
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Unfortunately yes, she seems to only want to pay for math and basic english and writing. The problem is, she does not realize that the online classes are like a normal school, where you just cannot jump in the 2nd semester when it has already started and the year is half over. So before we knew what she specifically wanted to pay for, we had our dd look over the Homeschooling Connections classes that still had open enrollment. She was interested in History and Medieval Lit, but apparently grandma does not think those things are worth it. This is funny coming from the woman who always talks of "expanding your horizons" and "following your heart and desires"...I told my dd to call grandma and tell her that she is passionate about these interests and really feels the need to explore things she is interested in  use grandmas lingo. But I will probably have dh do that.
We were already planning on starting dd with Homeschool Connections with math and english next fall. This was our first year trying out this with ds, and we were not sure how it would go. Heck, we did not even have DSL until we started HC! The sad thing is now dd has really got her hopes up for some fun lit and history class. She is a mature girl, so she will get over it, but it is sad to see her interested in something and not get to do it. Especially when I know that grandma has money to burn and could easily fund a full load whole year for ALL of my children who are old enough for HC.
Thank you for all of the good advice ladies. I need all the wise words I can get when dealing with school plus mother in law.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: caring what relatives think
