| Author | |
mom2mpr
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 16 2006
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1550
|
| Posted: Jan 05 2009 at 6:49am | IP Logged
|
 |
|
Now, we are coming off a very busy and stressful few weeks but I am occasionally worried about my 11 year old ds.
He goes from sweetest thing to crankiest at the the drop of a hat. He can be so mean and tease his younger sister mercilessly. He says he does not like her(sometimes in stronger words than that!), and wants her to go away--and other meaner things. He can be so disrespectful to me. He has developed a very good "teen" attitude. Everything is negative. Everything is boring. Doing schoolwork, or anything I tell him, just isn't fun to him anymore. And he makes sure I know it. He seems unhappy. I think of school for the sixth grade but am so torn. I KNOW he'd get a better education at home. Is his happiness that important? He seems to need peers--but I do not place a lot of importance on that, especially at this age. Maybe it is me. Maybe I am holding on too tight. I am dreading the teen years and all the "stuff." Some nights when he goes to bed he says he "feels funny." Like a mood thing. Sad. "Not right." I ignored that the first 2 times he said it, but the last time thought, maybe I should have him talk to someone.
There are times he is just so good. So sweet. So happy and fun. It makes my heart sing!! But the down and cranky times---people say it is normal-is it? Can they go from one mood to another so quickly??
Anne
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
10 Bright Stars
Forum All-Star
Joined: Nov 16 2006
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 728
|
| Posted: Jan 05 2009 at 7:38am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Anne,
I never expected the boys to get "weird" at this age, but they do! I had always just assumed the girls would get loopy or teen-agery, (since I did at this age) but the boys do too. My eldest son has gone through many "stages", from a year where he seemed to have trouble sleeping and was very emotional as a result, to the angry big brother years, to the very helpful and compliant year this year. His younger brothers are both going through these various stages now. The middle brother has gone from the good and compliant years to the being mean to siblings and back-talking years. Since I have lived through this with older brother already, I find it helpful to view this as a stage to deal with in various ways as opposed to something "being wrong" which is how I saw it when my first-born son went through it. Then, the youngest son (age 9) is ALWAYS crying about EVERYTHING!!!! Ex: I say: "No, you can't have that right now, we are just about to have dinner." Youngest son collapses on the floor in a dramatic fashion and starts to holler and sob??? THIS is the perfect little son who we have always told ourselves will be a priest, since last year, I would find him kneeling up at odd times before pictures of the Blessed Mother or Jesus saying a rosary on his own. Well, he hasn't done that in awhile that I know of, and now, he just tends to holler in frustration and collapse in dramatic tears at the drop of a hat. 
So, my point is, YES, BOYS CAN GO THROUGH STAGES and have more problems than I imagined. I say problems and really mean "growing pains." So, this is probably a stage. I have found that boys need:
1. outdoor exercise EVERY DAY FOR LONG PERIODS
2. meaningful work OUTSIDE: This is important. I tend to not be a big outdoor person just because my work never ends INSIDE! Therefore, I was always giving the boys a lot of housework to do, which is necc. of course, but they really need to be doing work OUTSIDE, with Dad preferably. It doesn't even have to be necc. work. Just physical work!!! We just chop and stack wood lately and they seem much happier when they come in from working several hours manually with Dad. We also give them things to do out there daily if only for an hour or so.
3. Make sure they are getting enough rest. You may want to consider sending him to bed earlier and/or making sure he sleeps a little later. When they are in a growth spurt, they can get really cranky.
4. He might feel funny at night if he had something sugary too close to bedtime or something artificial. I can still feel sort of restless at night if I had a late dessert. There is too much energy there still and I can't settle down. So, he may not be getting enough physical exercise, although he may seem to be in constant, hyper motion, but I mean real honest to goodness bike-riding or a LONG walk, or stacking wood or picking up sticks in the yard "just for work" might make him feel more relaxed before bed.
Also, my eldest son had to use a fan for white noise at this age (10) and had to take a bath before bed. He is very sensitive to surroundings etc. so I made sure he wore soft pj's etc. Some kids need the wind-down ritual just like a baby, and the white noise was a real helpful thing at 10 years old+, whereas he doesn't use the fan in his room anymore. So, changing all the time!
So, view this as a phase to work through and develop strategies for dealing with. Again, if he is having trouble sleeping, confidently establish a few bedtime routines. If you act as if you know why this is happening, (feeling antsy at bedtime) he will feel more secure even if you don't really know for sure  My son had sleep insomnia for awhile as I mentioned. I found out he was staying up listensing to Adventures in Oddessy on tape and it would get him overstimulated from the exciting adventure causing him to be too hyper to sleep. He had missed his "window" of slumber so to speak. So, I took those away, established the whole bedtime routine again (having thought he was too old for that sort of thing) and he slept like a baby again!!!
Anyway, next year, your son will be a different boy. Mark my words!! He will be in a new stage again!
__________________
Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Marcia
Forum Pro
Joined: Aug 20 2007
Location: Illinois
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 437
|
| Posted: Jan 05 2009 at 7:43am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Thank you Kim this post helped me too. (and my boy is only 4)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
PDyer
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 25 2005
Location: Ohio
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1043
|
| Posted: Jan 05 2009 at 8:31am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Eight Wonders wrote:
| The middle brother has gone from the good and compliant years to the being mean to siblings and back-talking years. Since I have lived through this with older brother already, I find it helpful to view this as a stage to deal with in various ways as opposed to something "being wrong" which is how I saw it when my first-born son went through it. |
|
|
Thank you for this...I've been wondering where my sweet boy went, and who is this person who seems to have taken over his body! He's 12.5...
Editing to add I noticed a real increase in grumpiness this last week, when he didn't have his usual dose of physical activity via swimming yards and yards with swim team. I forget sometimes that he's a whole different boy when he's not swimming.
__________________
Patty
Mom of ds (7/96) and dd (9/01) and two angels (8/95 and 6/08)
Life at Home
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Willa
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 28 2005
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3881
|
| Posted: Jan 05 2009 at 10:34am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Another thing that comes to mind in addition to Kim's great list.... keep an eye on outside influences. The media, the social circle and even some kinds of books can bring in bad attitudes and dilute attachment to the family.
I'm not saying that it's necessary to keep kids in bubbles, at all. Just that when things seem to be going badly I try to look at everything that is a present influence and see if any of that could be causing a problem.
I am expecting that I will go through what you are describing when my present 6 year old gets to be 11. He is already so emotional and goes from sweet and cuddly to angry outbursts at the drop of a hat. Some kids are just very emotional and 11 is an "unstable" age in that they are dealing with so many changes all at once.
I'd probably focus most on hurtful things to siblings since that seems like the most damaging problem -- things like boredom about schoolwork are SO typical and somehow to me not as damaging as things like allowing oneself to hurt others verbally.
Moodiness is a good opportunity to teach self-discipline and learn more about your child and how he "ticks".
My children have all gone through moody stages and while it has been difficult, it has challenged me to work on my relationship with the child and with God, and also motivated me to bring my husband into parenting more (usually I have a tendency to try to manage parenting things myself and I do think boys need a father's influence more and more as they get older).
__________________
AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: Jan 05 2009 at 11:53am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Going along with Willa.. transitions.. oh my.. we always have a rough period after the kids have spent a good amount of free time with friends.
I often find myself reminding them that if this is how they act at home after being with friends that we can eliminate time spent with friends.
and then I give them a bit of space with the instruction to change the attitude. They're getting better at managing this. And it's taking longer periods of time with friends to have this happen. So I know it's getting better.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
homewith3
Forum Rookie
Joined: March 22 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 54
|
| Posted: Jan 06 2009 at 9:30am | IP Logged
|
|
|
oh wow am I glad I found this post  My 10 yo ds is SO MOODY and has had this mama heart sad  Now I know he is simply NORMAL....maybe not enjoyable to be around all the time but at least normal
I never thought we would EVER have any problems with him but I guess God decided to show me I was wrong. Funny the little things that God teaches us through our children...
Debbie
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Erin
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 23 2005
Location: Australia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5814
|
| Posted: Jan 06 2009 at 7:17pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Personally I've always found 9 yr old and 11yr old boys to have more of an attitude than 13yr olds. Drawing on the experience of 5 younger brothers and five sons. (well truthfully not all sons have passed these years yet)
__________________
Erin
Faith Filled Days
Seven Little Australians
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Bella
Forum All-Star
Joined: Nov 18 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 571
|
| Posted: Jan 06 2009 at 11:34pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
What a helpful thread!
I only wanted to add, that I had read somewhere, that kids at 11,are at the MOST odds with thier Mothers-and it is the time for them to be the most critical of their Mommas. This was true for us, and I noticed a remarkable difference whe my oldest got close to 12.
Okay, and another thing! 
I had a Mom tell me the first weeks my DC were in school, to BEWARE,as we will hear their classmates coming out fo thier mouths. Just tonight at dinner, DH said,"Enough DS, I want to hear my son's words come out of your mouth-not your classmates!" It works! Oh,boy! I wish I would have known that,driving away from some of the hsing activities we did last year! 
__________________
Peace and Blessings,
Bella
Wife and Mom to my sweeties!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
mom2mpr
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 16 2006
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1550
|
| Posted: Jan 07 2009 at 6:56am | IP Logged
|
|
|
homewith3 wrote:
oh wow am I glad I found this post My 10 yo ds is SO MOODY and has had this mama heart sad Now I know he is simply NORMAL....maybe not enjoyable to be around all the time but at least normal
I never thought we would EVER have any problems with him but I guess God decided to show me I was wrong. Funny the little things that God teaches us through our children...
Debbie |
|
|
This is exactly how I feel too!! He has been my little sweetie. The cuddly baby. Needy baby. I worked hard when he was little. Then he grew into a caring, kind, sweet kid who got along with everyone. I thought my hard times were when we suffered through the undiagnosed milk protein allergy for a year.
Trying to figure out if something "bad" is happening or it is just him has been heartbreaking. Everyone's comments have helped though. It is weird to have to discipline him after all these years. I just can't let him get away with some stuff. And it really affects our relationship. Sigh. I'll get through. Thanks everyone for your experiences. I do feel better.
Anne
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Willa
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 28 2005
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3881
|
| Posted: Jan 07 2009 at 10:44am | IP Logged
|
|
|
mom2mpr wrote:
| It is weird to have to discipline him after all these years. I just can't let him get away with some stuff. And it really affects our relationship. |
|
|
This reminded me of something.... my first son, too, was a sweet but needy baby who grew up to be a very compliant kid. It completely took me by surprise when he turned 11, just as others are sharing, and started disagreeing with me etc.
Since then I've had 4 more kids pass through this stage... I've found it helpful to think in terms of teaching them "how to do it RIGHT." I realized that disagreeing with me, expressing themselves in new ways were positive things in themselves because it meant they were thinking and reasoning and trying to figure out the rules of the adult world, but their task as pre-teens and teens growing into adults is to use legitimate methods. My task was to help them do this.
Reading books about relationships helped me. You know, there are rules for intimate relationships and for healthy disagreements. The very rules you use with your husband and friends -- "don't generalize", "don't catastrophize" "don't bring in the bathroom sink" -- are the same ones that young teens break because (1) they are inexperienced and (2) they want to have a serious effect. They want to drop the emotional nuclear bomb that makes you react strongly enough so that you spin off into personal territory, because it is easier to "fight personally" than to "fight fair". So I would work hard to redirect conversations in a positive way, showing by example how you do it legitimately.
One aspect of legitimacy is recognizing authority. So while my kids could question and disagree, they couldn't do it in a way that withheld obedience. I tried to make this clear. One of my children was particularly strong-willed, and wanted to know WHY for everything. The deal was that we would discuss WHY but that it wasn't a conditional discussion. The child had to obey because it was right, even if he didn't see why at the moment. Sure, I would try to help him see my reasoning, but sometimes I was operating partly on intuition. I told the children that God gave parents special authority and special graces so that even decisions that might have been made differently were still to be respected. They usually understood this even when they didn't like it because you see it in so many ways through society -- we obey even Presidents we didn't vote for, tax laws we think are unjust, etc. We only disobey when it would be sinful to obey.
Another aspect, which is MY part of it, is to surrender some control. Authority can't drag like a huge ball and chain. Saints need to be able to move freely; the essence of virtue is freedom to choose, and choosing rightly. So home can become a trial ground for working out some things that teenagers need to work out for themselves, while standing firm on the things that can't be discussed and negotiated. For example, deciding not to go to Mass is simply not an option in this house. But deciding whether to be part of the youth group, or whether to be an altar server -- those are things that are not obligatory. Things like internet use depend on responsibility level. I try to make it clear which is which. As a convert, I've found the Catholic distinction between "discipline" and "dogma" and "counsels of perfection" to be helpful. Some things must be done or avoided simply because it is an obligation. Some things are to be done or avoided because that is how the household rules work. Some things are beyond the minimum and don't have to be required, though they are recommended. Household "discipline" rules can sometimes be tweaked in certain circumstances, depending upon the validity of the teenager's arguments.
Sure, a process -- didn't work overnight, and sometimes I went too far one direction or another. I would sometimes be too quick to shut things down and other times too slow to shut them down. But working this out on the road, so to speak, and remembering that my ultimate goal was to teach them to be able to stand up and do the right thing, was helpful.
I guess I am saying that my sweet, high needs babies grew up to be sweet, high needs pre-teens, only the needs were expressed differently. But if you work through their "issues" with them in a warm way while not getting your emotions tangled up with theirs, -- and don't let them hurt themselves by getting into the destructive teenage things so common in our society -- the hard emotional work pays off, though not always in the short run.
__________________
AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
mom2mpr
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 16 2006
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1550
|
| Posted: Jan 07 2009 at 10:51am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Thanks, Willa. That does help a lot. I am so much better with babies
A
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Describe an 11 year old for me :)
