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glinNC
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| Posted: Sept 07 2007 at 5:26pm | IP Logged
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Could somebody PLEASE recommend suggestions for keeping boys (5 and 7) from being sooooooooooooo wiggly at Mass! I feel like they distract everyone around us, even when we sit in the back!  I like to sit near the front so they can see what's going on, but the wiggling worries me!
I try to make sure they're not hungry, had some runaround time, and went to the bathroom beforehand; but they still can't sit still and focus.
PLEASE send any suggestions out here!! Thanks!
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ALmom
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| Posted: Sept 07 2007 at 5:58pm | IP Logged
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Boys are wiggly!! Are they climbing over others in the pew, slamming pews down, making loud noise as they move, distracting a sibling, fighting or poking the people in front or behind them? If not, then simply accept it and keep training them as it is perfectly normal especially if they are tempermentally active. We draw attention to what is happening on the altar, sit up front to see, encourage prayer, etc. Our boys are attentive - but the youngest still wiggles. He is not distracting to anyone but my dh and I.
Janet
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isjalu0826
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| Posted: Sept 07 2007 at 9:05pm | IP Logged
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Oh boy, I'm with you dear! I have a very wiggly 4.5 yr old boy. It has been very stressful for me. I feel like every eye is upon me (though I really do KNOW they're not) and that I'm being judged (I'm NOT) for my inability to keep my little guy attentive and still...
I think it's a parent's perogative (sp?) to feel in the spotlight, but I have to say that over the years that I have been faithfully bringing this little guy, even on the worst of days (in my mind), even when I've actually apologized to the people who sat behind or around us, I have been told DON'T WORRY/HE'S A LITTLE BOY/I GET ANTSY MYSELF DURING THOSE LONG HOMILIES/YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB/IT'S OK, HE DIDN'T DISTRACT ME.
I have actually been moved to frustrated tears in recent weeks during Mass because of what I deemed his inappropriate behavior, but I have to say this, it's just wiggling, for the most part. He's not making noise per se, not humming/fussing/talking loud/carrying on... so I suppose it's true, in the grand scheme of things, he is actually not so bad.
It's amazingly hard, isn't it?
Our Sunday Mass is minimum 1.5 hours long... What I've decided to do is take him with me to a shorter Mass. For this season in my life, I feel it's a sacrifice to be made for him. I want him there with me, but I don't want to continually fuss at him, making the going-to-Mass a negative thing for him. As much as I miss the Mass we regularly went to, I feel it's only right to meet him at his level. Even one of the priests said to me recently that it's tortuous for a little one to manage to remain still and not wiggly for so long... think about it. Sure, they can maybe see what's going on if you sit up front, but for the most part, they don't know what's going on or what's being said, not at 4 or 5... They can't read along.
So... we go to one of the less-well-attended Masses, and you know what else? I've started to take him at least once during the week as well. I find the daily Mass is a lot less of a hassle, quieter, more subdued and prayerful... And it seems at this weekday Mass, he can follow along with the prayers and what's going at the altar more... less distractions around him, etc. He is almost reverential during a weekday Mass. I love it! And I'm hoping that will help him get more familiar with what's going on and more at home with the liturgy, responses, etc..
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isjalu0826
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| Posted: Sept 07 2007 at 9:13pm | IP Logged
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P.S. What my hope is that his behavior at the weekday Masses will rub off on his behavior at the Sunday Masses. We've only just started the weekday ones, so we'll see.
Sunday, too, you have to understand, I am at a big parish and there are many people, so there's alot going on. You know what's funny? I found myself one week sitting behind a family--2 parents, a grandmother, a daughter and son (pre-teens maybe?)--and they talked amongst themselves so much, I was flabbergasted. Here I keep leaning over to my 4.5 yr old to tell him to stop moving around, to stop whatever, and in front of us are grown people who should know better... So the next week when they sat down in front of us again, I MOVED TO ANOTHER PEW!!
This is what I mean though, about Sunday Masses. I've had an older woman reading the bulletin (I could hear the paper right in my ear) during the homily, people talking instead of whispering, all sorts of stuff like that... it's unfortunate, you know? But it sort of makes you think about worrying about our little ones' behavior.
That's why I think taking him to the weekday Mass will help him see true appropriate behavior at Mass because the regular people who attend those Masses are attentive, prayerful, reverential and QUIET! So he is too. And hopefully as he matures, it will carry over...
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glinNC
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| Posted: Sept 07 2007 at 9:25pm | IP Logged
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isjalu0826 wrote:
I have actually been moved to frustrated tears in recent weeks during Mass because of what I deemed his inappropriate behavior, but I have to say this, it's just wiggling, for the most part. He's not making noise per se, not humming/fussing/talking loud/carrying on... so I suppose it's true, in the grand scheme of things, he is actually not so bad.
It's amazingly hard, isn't it?
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Yes, I leave Mass at times stressed out! That's not how it's supposed to be! 
I realize that this is normal at this age, but when you've got one of each side of you, it's a constant struggle. They're not noisy, but if there's nobody sitting right next to us, one will sliiiiiiiiiiiiiide over to the end of the pew, where I can't reach him. Then I worry that he's going to stand up in the middle aisle and start goofing around, getting noisy!
I've brought picture missals for them to look at, but they don't always want to look at them. They only thing that would really work to keep them still is a bag of popcorn! 
All kidding aside, I really am praying that they will focus more on what's happening. My husband and I thought that maybe we should have a time where they must just sit quietly to try to get the feeling of sitting really still. Has anyone done something like this? Because, for what it's worth, they don't sit well during the Rosary at home either! Just a decade is a challenge!
Love to hear how others have "trained" their children to sit still!  Thank you!
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EmilyC
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| Posted: Sept 08 2007 at 8:33am | IP Logged
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We always bring a "Church Bag" full of paper, coloring books and crayons. My boys love to color and draw, so for the most part, it keeps them occupied and quiet. Usually, towards the end of mass they start to get bored from coloring, and they are very wiggly, but for the most part, they're quiet. So I don't worry too much. They're boys, and they rarely sit still for long, so I'm pleased they are as good as they are during mass!
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Emily,
Wife to Rob since 8/98
Mom to 4:
Sarah (13) Robbie & Riley (10) Regina (nearly 3)
My secular lit-based curriculum:
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5athome
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| Posted: Sept 08 2007 at 11:14am | IP Logged
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Having the Magnifikid has greatly helped my 5 and 7. I also try to sit them next to dh or myself or at least by an older brother.
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Margaret
ds '93, dd '96, ds '99,
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ALmom
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| Posted: Sept 08 2007 at 6:13pm | IP Logged
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I forgot to mention that a prayer to the guardian angel is helpful - mine and toddlers. I also do not correct a lot of the wiggliness - not unless it is distracting to someone other than me but this is with toddlers. I don't think we have too much wiggles by 7 and I have taken the actually standing, kneeling, sitting with the congregation as a sign that they were approaching readiness for First Communion. I have had a child slide over and just kept my eye on them (these are young ones like 2 and 3). When they saw that I saw them and didn't react other than that stare - they slid back to me. (I actually have more trouble at daily Mass cause my dh isn't with me). I would not let them climb over someone else in the pew - but they do hang on me a lot. I would also say we watch for the little grandmothers and try not to sit in front of them. They often so love the littles that they get them all keyed up trying to play peek a boo but again this is little guys probably not relevant to the 7 yo - maybe the 5 yo if he is still a ham like mine. I try to keep the child facing the front but I don't worry about them swinging feet, removing and putting on shoes a thousand times during Mass, wiggling, sitting, etc. The littlest guy generally gets the aisle seat so he can poke his head out and see the altar - he also sees the processional and recessional a lot easier. Up front, you don't have as much of the bad example but we have read about Jesus clearing of the temple of the money changers and my dc have associated that with Jesus would not be pleased with baseball talk in church which is what they frequently witnessed at which point we suggest prayer and making special efforts ourselves to make up for when people don't know any better. It also opens the door for outside of Mass discussions of how we show our love for God in how we do things at Mass.
I will take them out if they are truely distracting to someone else and never let them stretch their feet where they are getting shoes on our neighbor but don't sweat it much if it is me - this is for the toddler crowd. Some wiggliness is normal for a 7 yo - finger play, adjustment of shoes and socks, squirming but I do expect a bit more at that age as they are getting ready for First Communion or beginning to. Now that our family takes up the whole pew, there isn't as much of the worry of toddlers putting feet over strangers anymore except at the most crowded Masses but again this is not likely to be your difficulty with age 7. Generally, the little boys are wiggly but I don't recall taking anyone out once we get past the 3 1/2 (sometimes 4) age.
Sometimes being aware of family dynamics helps. I'm thinking it might be something as simple as having a seating assignment for Mass with a parent between the two boys. One of my ds is very annoyed by touching so we make sure he isn't sitting by toddler during Mass. We did have one spat right in the middle of Mass - front pew but I was in the back with a screaming toddler and ended up having to go back in once the toddler settled - very humiliating and I don't remember what I did but whatever it was, that was the last incident of that. In that situation I know I at least had my boys spend some time apologizing to Jesus for fighting when they should have been worshipping him. Again, don't remember how I worded it. I think they suddenly realized that even if they couldn't see mama, she could see them.
We are now down to one toddler now and he generally sits on the center aisle seat with me or dh next to him and the other parent next. We also have a 7 yo so our youngest 2 are your dc ages. I guess I look at the degree of wiggliness - our current 7 yo is our quietist boy but that is temperment - still he wiggles some and I don't even think about it. Most of it is buttoning and unbuttoning, fiddling with shoes, swinging feet, a bit of fidgetyness. He is participating pretty much in Mass though and well enough behaved that I don't pay attention to where in the pew he is sitting.
A lot of times these little guys need to wiggle in order to focus on what is going on. (It took me a while to realize that that was why I found read alouds with boys so much harder - they bounced around so much that sometimes it seems they aren't listening till they tell you everything!). I assume that they are attentive unless they are disruptive and figure that my example of prayer is much better than me constantly correcting wigglies or telling them to sit or stand. The more I stay focused and attentive at Mass, the more this little guy gets a sense that he is not what it is all about and he wants to know what is so important that my attention is riveted to the altar. Now, obviously my duty as a parent cannot be neglected and it is a fine art of prudential judgement as you cannot blissfully pray while said toddler pulls pigtails or meanders up to the altar - still I think there is a certain instinct as long as we relax about the little stuff. As they get older we do encourage different things when we are at home - Oh you know the Our Father, you could stand with us and pray with us at Mass. I think Momma Mary and Jesus would be so pleased. Our first goal is to get more obvious participation at the consecration - now the Eucharistic prayer is long for the little ones but at some point the desire to do as the big people do takes over. In the meantime we build on his obvious love of our Lord and simply point out that here is Jesus. We make the sign of the cross for him at the opening prayer and at the final blessing until he starts doing it himself.
I'm really sorry, I missed the ages of your children so some of this is very irrelevant to a 7 yo. I'm trying to think what would help here with this age now:
family dynamics and seperating any siblings that tend to rub or are too tempted by each other. Make sure a parent is between them.
Older boys that are testing to see if mom is watching - and thus are becoming a distraction to mom can be put in one pew ahead of mom. Somehow they know then that mom knows what is going on so they'd better behave kind of thing. This is easier to do at daily Mass.
If the Mass is as long as someone posted then it is plain too long for a boy this age to sit really still. Also some still do need to wiggle in order to concentrate so by being forced to be still, they cannot follow what is going on. A lot depends on what the wiggles are - swinging feet I wouldn't sweat and even fingers being used to entertain themselves. Perhaps discussing the homily/gospel or reenacting it after Mass will help show you how much they are retaining from being there even if they are wiggly - and promote a purpose for paying special attention to the readings.
I also find it helpful to take dc to very, very reverent, silent type Masses from time to time. It makes a huge difference and behavior at Mass improves dramatically.
Most of my instruction occurs outside of Mass time - during Mass I maybe say "please pray for mommy" during the silent prayer before communion and after communion and if dc is in a seemingly distracted, wiggly state, I will point out Jesus on the altar. I whisper "Jesus will be coming on the altar soon, just before we all kneel. He doesn't always kneel at that point, but generally does shortly after if I simply kneel. If he is particularly tired and we need or have an instinct that if we simply let him sit, he'll distract the folks behind him, daddy will hold him at this point (might be okay for the 5 yo not likely to work for the 7 yo). In his case maybe instructions on what to do if you get that antsy feeling in your back and just cannot kneel.
I know we always talked to our dc about looking forward to when they could receive Jesus in Holy Communion and some guidance on making spiritual Communions before then. As the time drew nearer we might give an indication that participation gave us signs that they might be getting ready for that time soon (this in and of itself usually prompted tremendous efforts at behavior so that even if they were quite wiggly before 7, they really made heroic efforts at that point because they wanted to receive Jesus. Also reading about Jesus clearing the temple is great esp. for the older crowd of wigglers. I let them make the connection themselves so it isn't another mom lecture.
I've seen littler ones much more attentive on the outside than ours - but we continually get compliments on how well behaved these children are even at the Masses I think we were on the verge of being distracting.
I personally don't bring anything with us as that turns into too much of a distraction in itself. It helps when the church is beautiful with statues and stained glass and crucifixes but we don't have a lot of that locally so we do the best we can. At the shrine, there is one very, very riveting crucifix and ds had to sit where he could see it. He was so still that Mass - riveted to that statue - not necessarily the altar cause the statue of interest was off to the side but since what was going on at the altar is depicted on that crucifix, I figure he was meditating on the Mass in his own toddler way. Sometimes during Mass at our church he also blows kisses towards a crucifix way off to the side by the tabernacle. (There is one near the altar but it is the processional crucifix and hard to see - our other parish didn't even have a crucifix - gee maybe we should have brought one for toddler).
Janet
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4Real Forums : Domestic Church
Topic: Wiggly Boys at Mass
