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almamater
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I have been thinking about the practical, day-to-day ways that my son can be taught chivalry. Defending the Catholic Faith is one of the rules of chivalry, of course, and we are working on that one. But, I have been concentrating now on the kindness and respect to adults, and even more specifically, females.
So...
Greetings and Farewells.One of the things I have been really working on with my sons AND daughters, is greeting friends and adults by name, not just mumbling a "Hi." Rather, "Hello, Mrs.--. How are you today?" and then later, "Goodbye, Mrs.--. Thank you for inviting us/coming to our home." Rather than the typical, " 'Bye! Thank you."
Hold the door!But for my son, I have really working on encouraging him to open the door for me and his sisters and to hold it for anyone else who may be coming. I try to help him notice others who may need assistanc(e.g. someone pushing a stroller or with packages in their arms, etc)
This was all I could think of at the beginning. But, then I saw a friend assisting her five year old son in pulling the chair for my six year old daughter! I realized that there was more we could do!
Polite seating.I talked with another friend about it this weekend and then with dh. Dh is going to show ds (9.5yo) how to assist a lady with her chair at the dinner table and then ds will practice this skill by assisting me at meals. Dh said he would offer the courtesy to the girls so as to be a model for ds and so the girls could practice/enjoy receiving the courtesy. Keep in mind, this is very new for us, I don't think dh has pulled my chair more than a couple of times since I met him 16 years ago.
Ladies FirstAnother incident that stands out. Last April at ds's birthday party, I was cutting and distributing cake to the small assembly of children. One boy kept responding, "No thank you." "I'll wait." "Serve hers first." Finally, I said, "C'mon, Major. Let me give you your cake, which kind would you like?" One of my girls and his sister hadn't gotten theirs yet and weren't really paying much attention as they were engaged in a giggly conversation of their own. Major still refused and responded firmly, "I'll take mine last. Ladies first." He was nine years old and his mother was not coaching him at all at that moment.
So, what other chivalric ideas have you ladies got for your sons?
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momwats8
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This may not be the same as what you are saying but no hiting girls. We have a 12 year old neighbor girl who plays as one of the boys. she sometimes gets fiesty so to speak and the boys want to hit her. I have to remind them that she is a girl and therfore they should never srtike her or hurt her physically. It is hard for them as she plays with them and interacts like a boy sometimes. She also hits them sometimes or gets very mouthy. I have to remind them they are stronger and it is not right to hit her or any girl ever.
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Jeanna
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What great ideas! My ds is only 1.5, but I have been thinking about how to teach him chivalry since before he was concieved. In college I knew a girl who was engaged to a guy who treated her wonderfully. She said that his mom made him take her (her being his mom) on "dates." His mom wouldn't let him date until he proved himself as a courteous suitor. I hope my children will go the courtship route vs. dating, but I would like do something similar.
Okay don't groan, but I know a joke along these lines.
If you see a guy opening a car door for a woman you know he either has a new car or a new wife. 
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CathinCoffeland
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It is something boys and girls need to be taught. One thing i tell my dc even though they are little is that dd has to treat her brother like a princess if she expects to be treated like one. ie he wont act like a knight to her if she is not treating him like one . Ds though only 2 is told to act like a knight and treat big sister appropriatly too. They get the idea pretty quickly (though they dont always live up to it  )
We have the same problem you do Mary of girls not acting appropriately and it can be a real problem for dd who on more than one ocassion has been tackled or knocked down by a boy who looks at me like i have rocks in my head when i tell them they need to play gently with the girls.
i can not convince some relatives/friends that the genders are different and should be taught to respect each others differences.
maggie
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Erin
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Jennifer
A subject dear to my heart. There are many ways in which we can foster chivalry in our sons.
Some great ideas above. Love the story of Major.
A dear IRL friend taught me this and we have been doing it for some time. Girls are served at tea time, ice-creams, drinks etc first. You serve your youngest girls and then your older ones. If you have younger boys they may go in with little girls but by 4,5yrs they can wait. Then you serve your boys in ascending order. Now my friend also served her dh before her girls, I don't often, my dh usually goes before me after the boys. I do vary the order of my boys sometimes just so my oldest is not always last.
At Church I always encourage my boys to step back and let the ladies/girls out the doors first. When we go to my communion my dh always steps back and lets us file out first then he goes. This is something I notice the older men do in the church. All good things for the boys to observe.
Encourage the boys to let their sisters climb into the van first, to not all be pushing and shoving.
Always be on the lookout for opportunities to stress chivalry. In today's world women miss so many chances, if something is heavy ask your son to carry it even if you are capable. You know you are so why do you need to prove it? If ds is strong enough ask him, boys love to prove their strength. I always get my sons to carry in the box of apples for example from about age 7, its a 'right of passage' I never ask dd. She could do it but I believe its important to find little opportunities of chivalry.
Be on the look out, encourage them to carry a bag for another mum, help them by carrying out their baby to the car when leaving holding the door at the post office open for someone if you look you find opportunities.
Shaking hands with other men always looks so grown up.
Rules of etiquette: did you know?
A man is to walk first down the stairs, therefore if the lady trips he breaks her fall.
Walking together down the street the lady walks on the inside from the kerb (so he is splashed by passing cars not her)
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almamater
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Great suggestions, Erin! Thank you.
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jackiemomof7
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My 16 yr ds started something on his own about a year ago. He will not sit down at the dinner table until all girls are sitting. Now when I first notice this I couldn't figure out why he was standing there, I was walking around him trying to get dinner on the table and everyone else was already sitting. Then I notice this the next night. He also started opening the car door for me would be the last one in etc... We never talked about it I always thanked him and now his brother 2 1/2 years younger than him does the same thing. Now my dh has always opened the door for me and step out of the pew before us girls and walked on the outside when we are walking down the street but the standing until the girls are seatted he has never done. At the youth group my ds attends our Priest has strongly told the boys of their duties towards women. It is like they have to take back their chivalry because of what the feminist have taken from them.
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SeaStar
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One thing I do is always remember to compliment my kids of they have good manners. They are very young, so just please/thankyou, sharing spontaneously, offering each other the first cookie or slice of bread will get a "Great manners- good job" from me. They love to hear that.
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Lisbet
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Jackie,
That is so neat of your son. Truely, what a wonderful example to all around him.
We also try to encourage our boys in chivarly. They now open doors, go last, and give up their seat, without being told. My husband is a great example to them, and I hope that my younger boys never have to be told, that they just learn from the example of the older boys and the men in their life.
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Martha
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I agree with and do all of the above as best I can.
I'm blessed with a very gallant dh and it does rub off on the boys. Thank goodness!
Teach your dd to EXPECT nothing less than this treatment and to appreciate it. She should be aware way before the dating age of those "little things" that signal a guy may not honor her as much as he claims.
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Patty LeVasseur
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Martha wrote:
Teach your dd to EXPECT nothing less than this treatment and to appreciate it. |
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This summer my daughter was in hockey camp and was the only girl. When it was time to get on the ice she proclaimed (while dressed in full hockey gear) much to the delight of the camp coaches, "Ladies, first." Every little boy cleared a path and let her on the ice first.
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Jeanna
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jackiemomof7 wrote:
| At the youth group my ds attends our Priest has strongly told the boys of their duties towards women. It is like they have to take back their chivalry because of what the feminist have taken from them. |
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I once heard a story of a guy who opened a door for a woman. She got huffy and said, "Did you do that because I am a woman?!?" The man replied, "No, I did it because I'm a gentleman."
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Martha
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Jeanna wrote:
| I once heard a story of a guy who opened a door for a woman. She got huffy and said, "Did you do that because I am a woman?!?" The man replied, "No, I did it because I'm a gentleman." |
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 Yes, I've seen/heard women be rude to my dh when he does this too. I've even had women tell my boys they don't have to do that. Usually, we just ignore them and continue on, but it annoys the dickens out fo me.
Is it any wonder the latest trend is women who get pregnant and claim they don't need a man to raise the baby?! I've met at least 5 "couples" where this happened and the young man wanted very much to do the right thing and the women didn't want anything - other than a paycheck of course. I feel so sad for those men and children. 
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~Rachel~
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My DH says he frequently gets the 'huffy' reaction. My response is to tell him they are idiots
I have always found it rather nice to have the door held for me... especially when using a stroller!
I often get compliments on the manners of my kids because I ask them to perform these simple duties.
It is a pleasure to raise children who are polite...
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almamater
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Well, my friend Becki is insisting that her teenage boys open doors for girls...including those in their peer groups. They complained that the girls would think they were wierd and she told them if the girl doesn't like it than they would know she wasn't the girl for them.
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Servant2theKing
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Wonderful ideas and stories all around. A fun way to practice manners and chivalry is to have titles that remind everyone of their special roles...we use "Gentlemen-in-Training" and "Ladies-in-Training", and shorten it to GITs and LITs.
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nissag
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This is one of my favorite topics! I think you are off to a great start. As with all things, behaviours must be modeled by parents for the children to fully internalise them. We expect "Yes Ma'am/Sir" to all elders, kindness and gentleness towards all girls from the boys, and likewise from the girls towards the boys (musn't have the girls taking advantage!), we demand excellent table manners and practice little acts of good manners such as removing one's hat in a building (boys), proper handshaking/introduction, telephone answering, etc.
I was trained this way as a child (of a Marine, no less!), and it was re-inforced as an Air Force Wife and later as a certified etiquette consultant (yes, there IS actually a course for that!). It is so heartening as well as refreshing to see children with polished manners!
Blessings,
Nissa
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4Real Forums : Living Learning
Topic: Modern Chivalry for our boys
