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Alcat
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Hi all!
It is a beautiful fall morning here and already I want to lay down 
I just read Elizabeth's latest article on Catholic Exchange- parts of which we have heard here or at her blog. She got me thinking  She talked about peace in her home durring this pregnancy, about saying "no" to activites, really dialing back.
My situation is baby #5 is on the way (8 more weeks  ) and we aren't doing ANYTHING! Really. Sometimes we go out when necessary, like the store, but even that puts me over the edge.
I just can't be nice to my children  If they get started I get angry and begin yelling. I am trying desparetly to control my anger especially my words- just being quiet and removing the children who are causing the distrubance, but... well you know 
I want to get my children out to go play with others- but I don't even want to talk on the phone to make arrangements. I feel like some oppressive overlord mommy
My greatest challenge right now is my 4year old ds. His temper is really bad right now: screaming, hitting, lots of crying, fighting with his 8yrold brother. He has been like this for weeks, and now I'm losing my marbles- not good timing. I am making him take naps with me when my 2yrold goes down. We read a story and then he does fall asleep.
So how do you bring peace to your house? How do you make yourself "be nice" (when you are tired, pregnant and hurting)? I LOVE my kids, and it makes me so sad to get to the end of the day and know that I've been a shrew....
Thanks a bunch ladies, I feel better just getting to vent
God Bless,
Alison
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Patty LeVasseur
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Alison,
Sorry I don't have any answers, but I promise I will pray for you and your famiily. And if it helps, know that you are not alone in having times when you are just too exhausted to be "nice".
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Patty
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MicheleQ
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Alcat wrote:
My situation is baby #5 is on the way (8 more weeks ) and we aren't doing ANYTHING! Really. Sometimes we go out when necessary, like the store, but even that puts me over the edge.
So how do you bring peace to your house? How do you make yourself "be nice" (when you are tired, pregnant and hurting)? I LOVE my kids, and it makes me so sad to get to the end of the day and know that I've been a shrew....
Alison |
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Alison,
You need to read Elizabeth's blog entry this morning.
God bless,
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Michele Quigley
wife to my prince charming and mom of 10 in Lancaster County, PA USA
http://michelequigley.com
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Alcat
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Michele,
Right after I posted I read it Thank you! Thank you!
God Bless,
Alison
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amyable
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Alison, I have been struggling with this for years. So maybe you should take my advice with a grain of salt.
There are a few things that help me, when I do them. (That is the key, I have to DO them, not just let the easy way of yelling or criticizing come out of my mouth).
One was to come up with a list of consequences for behavior I couldn't stand. I let my girls help me with this, and ran it past dh. That way when they are arguing, or disobeying, or biting, or whatever, I don't have to yell and criticize, I can even keep my mouth TOTALLY shut if I think I'll lose control, and point to the chart with my readers. They understand that if they fight or whatever, they have to do X,Y,Z. I don't follow the same consequences with my 3yo, but I probably will in a modified way when she turns four. This alone can greatly reduce my angry outbursts, WHEN I remember to use it and not be drawn into a sparring match with my 'queen of sparring' kids. I can emotionally distance myself from the behavior if I just don't open my mouth, lol.
Second, I have to realize that my "shrewness" is not doing anybody any good. It's bad for me, and it doesn't do what I'm hoping it will do for my kids, and that is to get them to behave better. They just get worse. Is that what I want? NO!
It's funny, I read your post this morning and didn't know what to say, because I feel like I'm in the same boat (although not yet pregnant again). I prayed, hoping to see the answers more clearly. Following the link above to Elizabeth's blog, I read the letter of St. Francis de Sales again (good!!) and then noticed the link to listen to the daily readings. God spoke to me LOUD and clear in today's first reading, 1 Corinthians 13. How often have I returned to those verses?? When will I get it??
Quote:
If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.
And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing.
If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing. |
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Speaking harshly, yelling, criticizing, is not love, and will gain me nothing, is worth nothing. It may give me a "release" for a moment, but causes greater harm, even in the short term, if I can just open my eyes to see it.
I'm sure there is more, but my mind is blanking...I don't want to forget confession though. Going to confession more frequently has been helpful in getting the better of this, my worst fault.
I hope this helps some...
Wait, I thought of two other things that have helped, and each was the advice during confession - one was to pray to the Blessed Virgin to intercede for me, and the other was to pray that God would grant me the grace to see my children more as He sees them. I have come to love and appreciate my children much more since doing this.
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Amy
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The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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JennGM
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I'm probably worse than Amy and all of you put together Some of it is physical -- the hormone imbalance and low blood sugar plays a key role in my mood swings. I have the most patience before ovulation...PMS time it's harder to control. I can also blame it on being selfish, wanting me first, and not having a balanced spiritual life...all areas that can't be fixed overnight. I'm a work in progress.
I really don't have an answer, because it's a moment-by-moment struggle. And with one triumph already under my belt one minute before, I can totally lose it the next minute.
If I know I'm super tired, under a time crunch, very emotional...etc., etc., there are things that I know will aggravate the situation when I'm feeling this way. So if we're going somewhere planned, I lay clothes out the night before, with everything, so I don't have to wait for my 3yo to be distracted by 10 different things while he's getting his shoes.
He's potty training, and I (horror of horrors  ) use Pull-Ups when I'm feeling this way. Sometimes I can handle the occasional accidents, but they seem to come at the most inopportune times and I don't want to yell. Isn't loving him more important than my carpet? Of course it is, but I'm not always remembering that when I'm searching for the accident!
These are just a few examples I call "preventative maintenance"...we just avoid the possibility of wet spots for the day.
And if I'm feeling crabby and in pain, we read more together. Just lots of picture books, or sit out on the porch and listen and watch the outside. And I will say I have resorted to some DVDs and lie on the couch and watch with him. He's very attune to my feelings, so if I calm myself down, he calms down. If I'm acting frazzled, he goes wild.
Too much rambling...and I know I only have one, so it's not the same.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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Marybeth
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Alison,
I will keep you in my prayers. Have you read Hidden Power of Kindess and/or Imitation of Christ both really changed my life...I know what a cliche! They both give me such wisdom even when I only have a few moments to look through them.
Few things I have learned to check when things went sour in the classroom, my own life and with my ds...
diet
sleep issues
hidden fears/insecurities
miscommunication
I am in the process of writing down quotes which inspire me to leave in places around my house.
Lastly, people have recommended a home blessing, sprinkling holy water and consecrating you home to the Sacred Heart and Immaculate Heart of Mary as added protection against evil. Satan hates the families.
Don't mean to sound nuts!
Marybeth
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amyable
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JennGM wrote:
He's potty training, and I (horror of horrors ) use Pull-Ups when I'm feeling this way. Sometimes I can handle the occasional accidents, but they seem to come at the most inopportune times and I don't want to yell. Isn't loving him more important than my carpet? Of course it is, but I'm not always remembering that when I'm searching for the accident!
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Oh Jenn, don't worry about the Pull Ups! You are so right, your son is more important, and THAT is why you use pull ups, so you won't yell at him! So they are a good thing. Don't you think one second more in any guilty "I'm a bad potty trainer" way. 
Jenn GM wrote:
| And I will say I have resorted to some DVDs and lie on the couch and watch with him. |
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My dh said something wise on this very thing, and it's like your pull-up analogy. I hate (HATE!) the fact that I put on TV for them, but my dh said that even HOURS of (well chosen) TV is better than me yelling at them, me sinning, and damaging our relationship.
Jenn GM wrote:
| Too much rambling...and I know I only have one, so it's not the same. |
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If it's any consolation, Jenn-- and I said this to our soccer coach's wife who had the same concerns last night -- I found it MUCH harder, and I yelled much more, when I had just one or two and they were young like yours. Really.  So don't be harder on yourself than you should.
I don't know, maybe I'm just doing a little better because I haven't ovulated in two years. It's a comin' soon though, and I'd better read and re-read this thread!! 
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Amy
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The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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MicheleQ
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Alison,
You are 32 weeks pregnant and have 4 children 8 and under - you definitely need to go easy on yourself. Let go of whatever expectations you have for things right now and just try to relax. Your kids will pick up on your mood - mine always do. I use to wake up in the morning with a resolve to do better and then someone would do something to upset me and that would just "blow it" for the day. I finally realized that my attitude was the problem and while I am FAR from being the perfect mom I am a lot more laid back than I use to be.
I am sure some of my perspective comes from having grown children because ultimately you realize that so many of the things that upset you just weren't worth getting upset about. It's understandable though because you worry and you want to be sure you are raising your children right but I do regret that in some ways I was harder on my older kids when they were young than I am now on my younger kids.
I totally agree that doing what you can to ease difficulties is a good plan.
Big deal on the pull-ups Jenn. Trust me, he WILL be potty trained by the time he leaves home. Don't sell yourself short. You may only have one child but that means you are on all the time. You are his playmate, companion etc. and that can be very difficult, especially when you are dealing with other things and especially when you are dealing with pain.
Oh and big deal on the DVD's too. My younger kids watch PBS for an hour or 2 several times a week. It's not going to harm them and it gives me some time I need to help the older kids with their lessons.
Praying for everyone's intentions.
God bless,
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Michele Quigley
wife to my prince charming and mom of 10 in Lancaster County, PA USA
http://michelequigley.com
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Cay Gibson
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Alcat wrote:
My greatest challenge right now is my 4year old ds. His temper is really bad right now: screaming, hitting, lots of crying, fighting with his 8yrold brother. He has been like this for weeks, and now I'm losing my marbles- not good timing. |
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Ah, yes, the 4-yr-old paired with the 8-yr-old. Is this some awful combinations of #s or what?
My 4-yr-old and 8-yr-old seem to squabble more than the others ever did. I chalk it up to both being girls. Before this the kiddos always ran boy-girl-boy-girl. But the girls are truly devoted to each other and miss one another tremendously when they are apart. Go figure.
Hitting and fighting are not allowed but we've had our share of screaming and crying. Why...just this morning, come to think of it.
One thing I do find effective is when they are arguing over a toy, instead of fuming and listening to excuses and tantrums, I simply walk over and take the toy away. It gets put on top of the refrigerator. The girls now know if they can't agree on who plays with it or share it, than neither one gets it.
If I hear whining or crying, they are separated into two different rooms to play. It's as simple as that. Usually no words are needed.
I refuse to come down to their level of childish spitefulness. It's better to control the situation with action and few words.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
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Alcat
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Ya'll make me feel so much better to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this.
Marybeth, I do know, that I struggle more when I am exausted- like, I can't even read the dc a picture book. I call it the sleep demon; no matter how much sleep I get I can't keep my head above water. Normally, when this happens, my dc are good and will play nicely together.
Ever since we came back from vacation 3wks ago their behavior has been consistantly wretched, which I'm sure has to do with a number of things (mommy moodswings, growthspurts, daddy's got a new position and is often gone from 8am-8pm compared to working out of the house, life ).
Jenn GM wrote:
And I will say I have resorted to some DVDs and lie on the couch and watch with him.
Amy wrote:
My dh said something wise on this very thing, and it's like your pull-up analogy. I hate (HATE!) the fact that I put on TV for them, but my dh said that even HOURS of (well chosen) TV is better than me yelling at them, me sinning, and damaging our relationship.
Me here (sorry I can't manage the quote boxes), we are doing a LOT of tv right now and I think my "bad mommy guilt" over it has really set me off too. I love what your dh said Amy, it is sooo much better to plug'em in than bully, belittle, or berate. Thank you Michele, as veteran mom I'm much relieved that the tv won't damage them
You are right Jenn, satan does hate families. I have really been leaning on our Lady to help me and I have been offering my dc to Jesus through her- that has really helped.
I just took a loooong nap with my 4yrold. It was wonderful (even though he pictched a complete fit as I dragged him off). He is playing better, and is less fitful with a few days of napping under his belt.
I really feel better thanks to you all and your prayers. I know these times will come and go. Really, the scary thing is that it all boils down to mom's attitude- like Michele said, we set that tone  and God gave us MANY moods...
Hey Amy I like your idea about the consequences; I've been meaning to do it for years. Would you mind sharing some of them? I could use some help in the discipline department right now.
God Bless,
Alison
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Alcat
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Oh Cay! I thought my husband was nuts; he said that he thought it was the same sex plus 4year difference that caused the fights between these two. He and his brother had the same age spread and squabbled all the time.
I agree with you; normally I take what ever is causing the disturbance, set them in chairs for awhile, make them play in other rooms... Just the other day I locked them out of their room for the morning because they were fighting over legos in there 
I just find when I have low energy like this their noise cuts to the bone . I am working on not talking to them (especially my oldest who wants to explain that none of it is his fault) and removing the situation- It's just soooo hard I have a mouth like my oldest  we're both first in the birth order, and nothing is EVER our fault
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Cay Gibson
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Alcat wrote:
| I just find when I have low energy like this their noise cuts to the bone . |
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Oh, yes, I do "hear" you.
The noise and squabbling can cut to the quick and make my headaches so much worse.
Usually at times like this I announce to the children: "Mom's having a hormonal moment right now. Can you please be a little quieter?"
We've learned to laugh about it because I so don't want my children growing up thinking they were the cause of my headaches.  That would make me feel like the worst mother on earth if that happened. I also have to be careful because people are quick to blame headache problems on hsing in general.
"Well, you know if you put the children in school you'd have more time for yourself and your writing and you wouldn't get those headaches."
Yeah, right... Says who? 
Alcat wrote:
| I am working on not talking to them (especially my oldest who wants to explain that none of it is his fault) and removing the situation- |
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Oh, I so sympathize.
We're having the difficulty of the 13 yr old being blamed by his little sisters for everything. He can just look at them wrong and the 4-yr-old starts screaming. Of course he gets corrected because I'm thinking he should know better than to provoke her and I can usually hear his voice (in a noticable picking tone) right before one of the little ones "tattles" on him.
Then he acts totally innocent and claims he gets blamed for everything and he isn't doing anything. Typical middle child. Then I start to feel guilty that I'm always "assuming" he did something wrong when I didn't actually see it happen.
In the meantime, the little ones are saying, "Garrett did such-and-such."
It drives me nuts!!!
So I tell Garrett to just stay away from the little ones. And the 4-yr-old walks off with a smug grin on her little face...
Errrrr...
I so sympathize...
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
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Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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Bridget
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I have been working so hard on being cheerful in the last couple of years. When I am short and snappy it shows in the kids behavior. They fight and are unkind to each other. The turn around is dramatic in 24 hours, with no other correction, when I am pleasent and present to them. They respond so quickly to kindness, smiles, laughter, polite but firm instructions.
Watching videos before night time also makes them behave poorly. They just need to be doing, exploring, thinking, etc. When they watch a video the energy gets all pent up and comes out negativly. It makes the problems worse at my house. I almost always regret it when they watch during the day.
The end of pregnancy is exhausting, mentally, as well as physically. I actually don't have the energy to work up much irritation and anger by then. Nor, do I have the energy to correct properly. I figure it's better to let a lot of behavior things go, knowing I may have to do remedial work later. They survive.
I keep reminding myself that I have nothing better to do than raise these children well. I keep reminding myself that they will probably treat their own children and spouse much the way they see it happening while growing up. Whew, that scares me into shaping up.
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Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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MicheleQ
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Bridget wrote:
| Watching videos before night time also makes them behave poorly. They just need to be doing, exploring, thinking, etc. When they watch a video the energy gets all pent up and comes out negativly. It makes the problems worse at my house. I almost always regret it when they watch during the day. |
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Bridget, I have found this to be true as well which is why I almost always will only let my younger children watch a video (DVD or TV) in the morning before lunch - so they have time to run and release that energy later.
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Michele Quigley
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mom2mpr
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MicheleQ wrote:
Bridget wrote:
| Watching videos before night time also makes them behave poorly. They just need to be doing, exploring, thinking, etc. When they watch a video the energy gets all pent up and comes out negativly. It makes the problems worse at my house. I almost always regret it when they watch during the day. |
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Bridget, I have found this to be true as well which is why I almost always will only let my younger children watch a video (DVD or TV) in the morning before lunch - so they have time to run and release that energy later.
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Same here! They get wired so the latest I can pop in a vide(only 30 minutes here) is 2-3pm--NOT before bed. And only once or twice a week. It is
kind of hard having been raised curling up on the sofa in jammies to watch TV before bed. Bathtime also winds my guys up. Glad to hear I am not the only one who knows my kids well enough to understand these things. People think I am strange because a warm bath or quiet video doesn't get my kids ready for bed
I am going through the "grouchies" too and have enjoyed reading everyones supportive posts. It is so nice to have other Moms who appreciate having kids at home. I cannot complain to most because they just say to put them in school and it will solve everything. I really think it will make my life HARDER doing "damage control" after a day away. Anyhow, thanks ladies!
Anne
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ladybugs
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I'm not pregnant but dh is gone lots lately and I'm finding myself very humbled....
I've apologized for my transgressions and this am I got up earlier than usual for some alone time - that is one thing I'm really not having enough of and prayer....
Today, I'm going to try to make it to Adoration...
I will pray for you, too.
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Love and God Bless,
Maria P
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Lisbet
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This thread has really struck a cord in me. I am often so quick to 'give up' on being joyful toward my children. I often excuse raising my voice because there are so many of them and they are so much louder than me unless I yell. Funny thing though, the louder I get, the louder they get.
After reading this thread, I've resolved, just for today, not to raise my voice. One day at a time, right?
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Cay Gibson
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Danille Bean gives us this reminder...
Should not be missed.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
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saintanneshs
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I've been dealing with this for a while now as well, especially with THIS pregnancy. I don't ever remember being so short on patience with my children or having such flares of temper...talk about hormones! Yesterday the boys were fussing with each other in the grocery store and I'd just had it. I started praying out loud (quietly...there was no one around me, I made sure), asking God to please help me be patient enough with my boys and their behavior to just finish the shopping, and then I silently vowed not to shop with them EVER again. This quieted them for about 5 minutes.
The only thing that seems to make any difference in my level of tolerance is praying the rosary in the afternoons during our quiet time (helps me renew for the rest of the day) and getting everyone, including me, outside for lots of fresh air. Yesterday we spent 2 and a half hours outside, which for us is huge, and today I feel so refreshed. I felt (for the first time in a while) like starting the day today with something the kids would really love instead of just "getting through" the morning. We made cinnamon rolls and hot cocoa together for the first day of fall. Everyone was kinder this morning. Hmmm...
amyable wrote:
| ...the other was to pray that God would grant me the grace to see my children more as He sees them. |
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Thanks, Amy. I'm going to pray out loud for this (hopefully not in the middle of the grocery store ) each time my children begin driving me crazy with squabbling! May we all be overflowing with kindness!!
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Kristine
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: How to be nice
