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Sarah
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I want to be MORE hospitable. I want to stop that stress that happens to me when I know someone is coming over. 
I want to open my house up more for people to visit, but the reality for me is that I get totally stressed out (unless its other hs moms whose houses I've seen, too  & and we joke about it).
I'm talking about people who may not be used to family chaos, who may not a half eaten banana on their couch or a dead bug in a jar on the dinner table, who don't have TP strands in their hallway, and snowboots on their front porch in June.
Are we obligated as Christians to open our house when EVERY opportunity comes up--someone comes in town, the older lady at Mass, the lonely seminarian, an old priest friend? Is it foolish to "put ourselves out" for guests if it means MORE STRESS and thus less of a focused mom for the family?
Where do we draw the line? Or maybe a house should ALWAYS welcome visitors, and they should just DEAL with our quirks that reflect our lifestyle.
I guess, too when you have people over who aren't in your same boat, you feel scrutinized and that your house might suggest that you are totally out of control and don't have a grip. . .and that your house is unsanitary. . .and maybe they're right, but you don't want them to know it. 
Any thoughts?
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Donna Marie
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Sarah,
I am in the same boat...same dilemma...same banana peel... 
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I found it to be a great stress reliever to try and meet people at the park...there are so many people that don't get there for one reason or another and the kids can just run amuck and it's ok...
I know I will have more people over as the kids get older and more consistent with the housework. I have a smaller home and it is sooo easy to make a mess when there aren't any spare places to put things down! I figured it was just the season of my life. When I do have company, we shoot for later in the afternoon on Sundays...we have time to clean with dh then.
I am trying to always have my house Sunday clean by doing the deeper cleaning on Fridays and Saturdays...but that isn't always consistent as life gets in the way at times!
Sorry if I am no help...I am eagerly looking at this post for ideas too!
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God love you!
Donna Marie from NJ
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Finding Elegant Simplicity
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Becky Parker
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I have been thinking about this very thing lately. I had to laugh about the snow boots because I have two pairs on my front porch now! I don't have any answers. I just know I panic when someone unexpected comes to my house. Even though my house isn't "dirty", it certainly isn't Better Homes and Gardens material.
I think about the time I visited a lady who had raised 12 (or was it 15?) kids. There were several of us coming to her house for a meeting and she told us to just bring our kids - they can play in the basement while we met. Well, I just remember how wonderfully cozy her house was. It felt so welcoming and homey and things seemed "in order" - but you know what? When I looked closely, she had dust on the end tables and piles of books on the desk, there was cobwebs in one corner but it was still very comfortable. I felt at ease and I think the other ladies with me did as well. I let my kids go play and we had a nice meeting. At other homes I've been in I panic the whole time because I am afraid my kids will touch something and leave a fingerprint. It keeps me from going to those homes with my (very active) children because it is too stressful for me. It also keeps me from inviting those people over because I don't think my house looks nice enough. So what is the answer? I don't know but I don't think this is what is meant by charity. Maybe it is just Satan putting these thoughts in my head to keep me from the fellowship that is so vital as a homeschool mom. Maybe I need to just get over it, invite my friends over on a regular basis and say "this is me, this is my house, you are always welcome, but it's not going to look like something you'd see in 'House Beautiful'."
Becky
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Elizabeth
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May I recommend a wonderful book on the topic?
Open Heart, Open Home: The hospitable way to make others feel welcome and wanted.
I've got a wicked cold right now, but I'll be back later to post a few pithy quotes and such.
Great topic Sarah!
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Sarah
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Elizabeth wrote:
I've got a wicked cold right now, but I'll be back later to post a few pithy quotes and such.
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Hope you're feeling better soon and looking forward to what you have to say.
Also, hoping others respond. . .
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guitarnan
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I struggle with this...but I've found over the years that there is a difference between CHAOS ("Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome") and typical daily clutter.
Just today I was telling friends about the incredibly poised admiral's wife I knew who could literally entertain 80 peope for dinner...cooked by herself...but stashed last-minute stuff behind a door!
We all have to make the best of our situations. On the other hand, I don't feel obligated to welcome live-in guests when I'm getting ready to move (like now!). If you drop in unannounced, you get us, warts and all, but I promise that if you give me some warning I will clean the bathrooms!
Welcoming comes from the heart. We all struggle with the Martha vs. Mary syndrome, I'm sure. I just try to be honest with folks...we homeschool and it's baseball season. Enough said.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Bridget
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I am trying to maintain order here. But the most important thing for hospitality is to smile and listen and be warm and welcoming.
I have a friend whose house is often chaos, I mean 'check the chair you are about to sit in chaos'. Yet she treats any guest as if they are the most important person in the world. Offering food and drink. Talking and listening. Remembering the details of our last conversation and following up on it. Visiting her is like therapy.
I would like visitors to feel that comfortable and happy here at my house.
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Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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Elizabeth
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Sarah,
I haven't forgotten; I've just been distracted by a zillion other things. Hopefully, I can get you some quotes from the book tomorrow. In the meantime, here's a column I wrote a couple of years ago after reading the book. It was Christmastime when I wrote it, but it occurs to me that the summer is equally busy, hospitality-wise.
‘Tis the season. It’s upon us. The magazines are screaming. Roll up your sleeves and roll out the red carpet. It’s time to entertain!
May I offer an alternative? Instead of entertaining, offer hospitality. The differences are not subtle. When we entertain, we are often ruled by our pride. When we offer hospitality, we are inspired by charity. Entertaining seeks to impress. Hospitality seeks to minister.
In her excellent book, Open Heart, Open Home, Karen Mains writes:
Secular entertaining is a terrible bondage. Its source is human pride. Demanding perfection, fostering the urge to impress, it is a rigorous taskmaster that enslaves. In contrast, scriptural hospitality is a freedom that liberates.
Entertaining says, “I want to impress you with my beautiful home, my clever decorating, my gourmet cooking.” Hospitality, however, seeks to minister. It says, “This home is not mine. It is truly a gift from my Master. I am his servant, and I use it as he desires.” Hospitality does not try to impress but to serve…Entertaining always puts things before people…Hospitality, however, puts people before things.
Hospitality is a ministry. As such, it is not bound by time or space. To offer hospitality, you do not have to offer an invitation; you do not even have to be at home and you certainly do not need to spend days beforehand cooking and cleaning and decorating. To offer hospitality, you have to open your heart to see and meet a need. Hospitality might be a home-cooked meal wrapped in a pretty towel and carried, still warm, to a neighbor who is going through a difficult time. The charity of an open home extended to a child while his mother has a moment to herself is hospitality extended to all. The comfort of a friend who offers a cup of tea at a well-worn kitchen table on a teary afternoon is hospitality that cannot be captured on the glossy pages of a magazine.
In order to truly extend hospitality we must put away our pride. We must be willing to open our doors, no matter the state of homes or our wardrobes, and to graciously seek to make our visitors feel welcome and at ease. When we do this, we allow people to see us as we are. We put away the pretense and we offer ourselves with all our weaknesses. They can see that we are striving humbly towards holiness and they can see that only God can perfect us. When we offer ourselves to other people and allow them to se our imperfections, we take a chance. We chance that they, too, will accept us in a spirit of charity. Hospitality works best when both the giver and the receiver assume the best about each other.
~
I think that we are called to offer genuine hospitality. That is, to truly give of ourselves and offer comfort to another. A frantic social schedule isn't hospitality. The perfect Martha Stewart spread isn't necessarily hospitality. And a revolving door of visitors and outings to the detriment of your own sanity and your family's well-being isn't hospitality. To me, hospitality is peaceful. It's warm.
Much to think about.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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MichelleW
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I wrote a blog entry on this last year.
http://mountaintopfarms.blogspot.com/2005_06_01_mountaintopf arms_archive.html
Since I am not as technologically savvy as my 7 year old, you will have to scroll down to "Let This Be A Lesson To Me" about half way down.
This has been a rough year for me physically and I have had to learn to let a lot of things go, but the Lord has not allowed me to close my doors. We have just as much if not more visitors, and I have dramatically less energy. I agree with Elizabeth. This year I have realized that hospitality is not about me at all, it is about my visitor. Entertaining is about me and my house and what impression I make, and I have had to give all that up for awhile.
Last year one of my friends was going through a divorce recovery seminar. Each participant was asked to think of someone who truly loved them. She called me that night and told me she thought of me. I was surprised. She has lots of friends and family who love her, and truthfully, I consider myself one of her more boring friends. She is always going out with "the girls," but when she visits me we just sit and talk. She said, "You are always happy to see. You drop everything when I pull into your driveway and run out to meet me. You don't apologize for the dishes, you want to know how I am. Your home is the safest place I can think of. When I am there, I know I'm loved." It was by far the biggest and best compliment I have ever received.
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Elizabeth
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MichelleW wrote:
This has been a rough year for me physically and I have had to learn to let a lot of things go, but the Lord has not allowed me to close my doors. |
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Michelle,
It's interesting to me how the Lord can emphatically show us how to be still and still to serve. I've been pretty homebound since January, first with hyperemesis and now with hypoglycemia and preterm contractions. If I eat more than a few mouthfuls, I feel like I'm going to pass out a half hour later. Doesn't make for the best dinner party conversationalist. If I drive more than a few miles, I contract. Guess God doesn't want me to drive.
So I stay home. This has given me lots of time to focus on just being. There have been friends and acquaintances who have "fallen off the screen," so to speak. They are so busy going and going that I am left behind in the dust of their activities. Since I am helpless to do anything aobut it, I've accepted that as God's will for me right now. But there are also friends with whom I've renewed deep relationships. In my inactivity, we've had time for long talks and quiet visits. They've come to help me for days at time when I truly couldn't lift my head (hospitality brought to me) and they've stuck with me via telephone or even email when they can't visit in person. I'm easily drained by activity and sometimes even conversation, but I've learned to truly appreciate a kind note or offer to stop at the grocery store or some meals stashed in my freezer by a friend who "just happened to be in the neighborhood" or even just reassurance that friendship and hospitality don't depend on a busy whirl of activity or carefully planned events. In turn, I am able to write a note or two or ten, to make an occasional phone call, to send a thoughtful gift. It's really about an open heart, isn't it?
I do see now how God can speak more clearly to us in the quiet. And I see how He is keeping me still so that he can show me, through the examples of others, that quiet, thoughtful hospitality ministers beautifully.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Meredith
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This is amazing to me as I just read the Martha story in More Once Upon a Time Saints to my children this morning and we had quite a discussion about being hospitable and charitable, especially since we are in a completely new community that seems to have an "open door policy" with the neighborhood children. I am having a really hard time with this as we like to have our own thing going with regulated playtimes, and for the neighborhood kids, it's carte blanche at anyone's house for the summer it seems 
We received immediate but somewhat shallow hospitality upon our arrival, but since then it's only been children who are running amuck and the parents in the neighborhood are not to be seen, EVER??? I'm sure I'll be known as the "porch mom" here pretty soon
I would love to be more hospitable, wihout people thinking I'm trying to impress them, cause that is certainly NOT what we're all about, hmm, how to subtly be hospitable, that's what I'm after 
Loved your article Elizabeth, hope you're feeling better! 
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JennGM
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I would love to have my house open to all. My first reaction if someone is going to be nearby is "Ya'll come!" BUT...my dh is very protective of his home turf. He's hospitable, and loves to have people over, but it is more measured and planned. There is no open door policy.
Soooo, my problem is adjusting and finding his comfort level. I have a big extended family; he doesn't... So I'm trying to enter his paradigm, but I don't always succeed. But I keep trying.
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Elizabeth
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JennGM wrote:
| I would love to have my house open to all. My first reaction if someone is going to be nearby is "Ya'll come!" BUT...my dh is very protective of his home turf. He's hospitable, and loves to have people over, but it is more measured and planned. |
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Another GREAT point! This is my dh to a tee. Often, women misinterpret the actions of another woman when they fail to consider that she does not live and decide independently. she takes into account these real preferences of her family, most importantly of her husband.
Hospitality must be extended first and always to our immediate families.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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cvbmom
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Elizabeth wrote:
Secular entertaining is a terrible bondage. Its source is human pride. Demanding perfection, fostering the urge to impress, it is a rigorous taskmaster that enslaves. In contrast, scriptural hospitality is a freedom that liberates.
Entertaining says, “I want to impress you with my beautiful home, my clever decorating, my gourmet cooking.” Hospitality, however, seeks to minister. It says, “This home is not mine. It is truly a gift from my Master. I am his servant, and I use it as he desires.” Hospitality does not try to impress but to serve…Entertaining always puts things before people…Hospitality, however, puts people before things.
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Thank you for this and the rest of that post. It brings a lot of clarity to the matter for me. We have a larger home that, frankly, I am embarassed by at times (not to mention I just can't keep up with the dusting, cleaning, etc.). The reason we have a larger home is to accomodate our ever growing family, to accomodate our extended family, and because I am a claustrophobic nutcase when pregnant (I NEED space to breathe!). Anyway, we are blessed with this space and I want to use it well by welcoming friends. We are the "backup in case of rain" house and I enjoy it! I like when people just stop by. But, like I said, it embarasses me at times (not "clean enough", so large, etc.). It helps to remember that it is a gift from God that I am blessed to share with others. Humility.
Christine
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Alice R
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I totally agree with being hospitable and I am trying to work on that.
I struggle in the area of "secular entertaining". YOU guys would come into my house and step around the chaos to enjoy just being here. I'm always nervous with people who quite don't share this mentality which is most people. I know they are scrutinizing my home and I HATE that. We have some friends from work etc. and I dread them coming over. I spend two days cleaning before they come. With all that stress and fuss, I'd rather meet in a restaraunt or something. 
Anyone share that feeling? I wish i could just open my door and "let it go" but I can't. I think I'm trapped in the secular entertaining mode myself.
Blessings,
Alice R
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Sarah
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This has been such a great help thus far.
I want to change the name to "Entertaining and Reality." I have NEVER thought of hospitality as Elizabeth and the others have expressed it.
THAT IS MY PROBLEM! I'm entertaining, or avoiding it. I'm thinking of THINGS more than PEOPLE.
I've also noticed that the more I read magazines that are beautiful, but unrealistic, the more I look around and feel inadequate. I need to keep reminding myself of my vocation. My house is full of people that are growing and learning.
With this new attitude of serving and not showing, I hope to become more hospitable.
Thanks!
ps It still is hard to be hospitable to those who scrutinize you. Perhaps an opportunity to grow in humility and holiness, when viewed as such.
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Elizabeth
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Sarah wrote:
I've also noticed that the more I read magazines that are beautiful, but unrealistic, the more I look around and feel inadequate. I need to keep reminding myself of my vocation. My house is full of people that are growing and learning.
With this new attitude of serving and not showing, I hope to become more hospitable.
Thanks!
ps It still is hard to be hospitable to those who scrutinize you. Perhaps an opportunity to grow in humility and holiness, when viewed as such. |
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I thought of something else along these lines. In our house, there are always so many people that I cook in quantities most people consider large enough for a party. My mom remarked that it's a party all the time here. And to some degree, that's true. so, when we do open the door, things are a bit different than in magazine homes or even in most of the neighborhood homes. That has two effects: (1) Not all guests are comfortable with the normal chaos of our lives and there is extra stress associated with that phenomenon. (2) If it's a "party everyday" (or at least we do the work associated with a party), then when we do have more people in, we are accomodating an extraordinary number of people in our home. That's not insignificant when we ponder how to live a hospitable lifestyle. It's not that mothers homeschooling big families can't be hospitable in their homes all the time; it's just that it's qualitatively and quantitatively different than it is for mothers of smaller families.
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Alice R
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Elizabeth,
Now you have me curious. HOW many people do you have come over? 
I'm an only child raised by a single mother and my husband's family never had anyone over due to the family's little secret that his father was a raging alcoholic. So, neither of us are used to the "open door" kinda lifestyle. I'd love to have people just come over and not be cleaning for so long before hand. Maybe I need nicer friends who don't analyze my hosue and everyone else's???
Do people from the neighborhood just walk on in? People from church? Family? I'm picturing a buffet table and people sorta hanging out in the living room
This thread has been very helpful, by the way.
I think i need to chill out and perhaps find kinder friends. 
Blessings,
Alice
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Elizabeth
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Alice R wrote:
Elizabeth,
Now you have me curious. HOW many people do you have come over?
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My mother's "party " comment was directed at only the immediate family .
As for open doors: During soccer season, we usually have a family or two after Sunday games for cookouts almost every week (we didn't do that this year--I'm not even up to going to games, never mind cooking for a crowd afterwards). We love to invite people back to the house for pancakes after Mass on the weeks when dh is in town on Sunday morning and soccer is late enough in the afternoon. Generally, this is one or two families (always the same ones) and they have five children and one child.
I'm not good with "dropping in" and dh is even worse. And I'm afraid my door is rather closed during the school/ work week. He works at home when he's in town and I can't justify having ladies for tea (even if it's just one). I need to be all eyes and ears, keeping order with my own "small party" when he's trying to work.
We have a big screen tv in a basement rec room and any sports "big game" is an occasion to have teenagers hang out. Teenagers could not care less about the state of the house. Andmost of them come from big families and understand having little siblings always around.There are a lot of big games ...
I'm really low energy and I'm definitely an introvert. All these things take a huge effort and do not come naturally. But they are seasonal and cyclical and somewhat controlled. I rarely do this (with the exception of the big game things) when dh isn't home. I absolutely need him. For the teenaged big game events, he's rarely home. He's a sports television producer and he's usually at the big game. But on those occasions, one of my dear friends who also has teeangers will come and be with me and I don't feel the enormity of the responsibility and instead enjoy her company.
Parties to celebrate sacraments are enormous. OUr extended family lives close enough to come. All of the children's godparents and their families are invited and usually there are several families from church. Holidays are usually pretty crazy, too. But those are "special" events and I can gear up for them and I can rest afterwards.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Alice R
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Thanks Elizabeth!
You sound like you have such a nice, warm, loving home. The way things are supposed to be.
We don't have any family-everyone has passed away-so I guess that explains why it's rather quiet here.
We just moved here in the fall and with the bedrest, the baby, the C-section and yada yada I really haven't been too social. I gotta leave my introvert self behind and get out there!!!! Thanks for the encouragement and the wise words about secular entertaining! 
Just to add: I find those magazines to depress me sometimes. Too much with the makeover shows and stuff. It's nice to get fresh ideas but I really think it is overkill at this point. Everyone you talk to is redecorating or wanting to redocrating. Is anyone happy with what they have?
Anyway, good thoughts to ponder...
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Hospitality & Reality
