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TracyFD
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| Posted: Oct 05 2012 at 2:21pm | IP Logged
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Ladies, I am wondering how you encourage thoughtfulness in your family, especially in your marriage.
For instance, do you encourage your husband to remember his own parents and siblings on Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays, and anniversaries, or do you take initiative and cover for him? Do you (after asking about his day at work) wait for him to ask you and the kids about your day, encourage him to ask, or just tell him? If you happen to be the one home late, do you ask him to heat up leftovers for you and the kids to eat when you arrive or assume he would think of that? Does he think of things like spending one-on-one time with you or the children? Does he think to buy his daughter flowers for a music, dance, or theater performance?
Do you plan all the family outings, birthdays, anniversary dates, vacations and school curriculum, or does he take initiative? Do you take care of yourself when you are sick or does he take time to be with you and think of good food, drink, and meds to bring to you?
I am far from a perfect wife of course, but really I do try not to be overbearing. I try each day to serve him and my family selflessly with love, and try to leave him room to step up to the plate without taking over. Most of the time I just give him grace and lower or remove expectations, but every now and then I find myself in a state of disbelief and it would mean the world to me if he were the thoughtful type. I do try to praise any efforts he makes and I especially try to beat him to the punch of praising a job well done (I try to compliment him before he brags on himself).
I am REALLY trying not to complain here, because I would much rather think positively instead of falling into the trap of negative thinking or saying things that end up making him feel guilty, because if I try to talk about it he always acts more angry than sorry. I see this in my children too, and hope they are not mirroring his behavior.
I know there is a popular saying that goes something like, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" To me, this belittles the good feeling that comes from being treated thoughtfully in marriage, as well as the lessons children learn from the examples parents set. I don't want to be right - just valued, and I would love to see him show thoughtfulness towards others - extended family and friends. He just doesn't think - his mind is a big "nothing box" when he is home from work.
The major issues we face in marriage are at an impasse, so we rarely communicate about certain topics. When I take these issues and my failings to confession the priest is at a loss for advice, other than to continue to pray.
Please help me focus on the positive and adopt some winning ways 
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Tracy
Mom to 3 girly girls,
1 absent-minded professor, and one adorable toddling terrorist.
Pinewood Castle
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Oct 05 2012 at 3:15pm | IP Logged
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Well I think at some level everyone just expects that the mom will be thoughtful   so that it actually takes instruction not just modeling for them to "get" that they can do things for mom (or dad or whoever).
Also realize that many men grew up with mom doing that stuff so it's not even on their radar.
You might also really consider the love languages book. It may be that your idea of being valued(loved) isn't his idea of how to show love (value). And you may simply be speaking "different languages" and missing what's right there already.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Mimip
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I second the love languages book. When hubby and I were going through a rough patch about 3 years ago, I had a friend bring up our love languages and I went and bought the book. It has been really great to see a different perspective and understand where both of us expect things to be done in many areas.
I'll give you an example, my primary love language is Acts of Service and for me taking the trash out every single day means more than any flowers ever will. My husband would never, ever remember to get flowers for the girls recitals (he thinks its a waste of money  ) and the truth is that if my love language was gift giving we would have a major problem.  I remind him every single year about his parent's birthday and such but he does take very good care of me when I am sick.
I would also set up some communication time. If you are truly at an impasse I would seek out a GOOD Catholic marriage therapist. Most priest simply do not know how to deal with marriage situations. I think every wife needs to feel valued as well as loved.
My husband has a very dear friend in the police force that was happily married one moment and divorced the next. (I know it wasn't like that, but it seemed that way to all of us) My husband asked what went wrong and he simply said, "We stopped talking. Don't ever stop talking, it is worst that fighting and worst than screaming, the silence is much worst than anything you will ever say to one another." Since then my husband has been a different man. He says what is on his heart even if it will hurt my feelings. Maybe its time to say what is on your heart?
You know I am always praying for you, my dear friend!
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In Christ,
Mimi
Wife of 16 years to Tom, Mom of DD'00, DD'02, '04(in heaven) DS'05, DS'08 and DS '12
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TracyFD
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| Posted: Oct 05 2012 at 5:23pm | IP Logged
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Thank you dears! From what I remember about the love languages, his was "words of affirmation" so I do try to deliver on that.
My #1 language is probably "words of affirmation" as well, but this is what my dh is least capable of giving. An example: the morning of our anniversary he had to leave the house early. I was eating sugar-free at the time (or trying to). When I came downstairs and found a note under my coffee cup I felt my heart leap, but all the note said was, "No sugar." 
He is much better at "acts of service" (service as in trash, bills, mowing, dirty diapers, making the morning coffee, etc, not quite the same as thoughtfulness). I suppose I have gone for years trying to be content with this language since quality time, gifts, and touch are not in his repertoire either. I do appreciate acts of service - they make me feel appreciated, but not really loved, cherished, or valued.
Three years ago I called the Archdiocesan office for a counseling recommendation and they led us to a deacon and his wife. We met with them for several months until they didn't seem to know what to do with us
I had the feeling that the deacon respected my husband and his decisions, and rather wished he had lived his own life differently. The deacon's wife was baffled as to why my dh was so stubborn about our major issues and could not figure out why he would not be more flexible for my happiness and the good of our family. When I became pregnant with #5 we stopped going since I was too tired.
So I am not sure what to do now. We make small talk every day and he seems absolutely fine with that. But the bigger issues are non-negotiable and closed topics. It doesn't seem to bother him as long as they don't come up.
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Tracy
Mom to 3 girly girls,
1 absent-minded professor, and one adorable toddling terrorist.
Pinewood Castle
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anitamarie
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My first thought was love language also. Definitely something to look into if you haven't before. Maybe read and discuss it together. It can be very eye-opening.
Also, do you have different expectations of what husbands and wives do? It sounds like you have had heart-to-hearts about some issues and can't get past them. I second the idea to bring in a good Catholic marriage therapist for those. Unresolved issues are not good for continued good will in a relationship.
Anita
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Oct 05 2012 at 6:14pm | IP Logged
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Tracy, I would be suspect of his love language being "words of affirmation" if how he shows love is "acts of service". You generally default to your main "language" when showing love to others unless you're making an effort to do otherwise.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Michaela
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| Posted: Oct 05 2012 at 6:45pm | IP Logged
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Agreeing with what Jodie wrote...the combination of love language, women are expected or maybe have a higher expectation to be thoughtful, and how we are raised.
We were married over 20 years before I realized my husband's love language is words of affirmation. Not really all my fault because I had never heard of materials on "love language" until a few years ago. For me, knowing that put so much into perspective.
Planning...that starts with me. I will remind my husband about an upcoming birthday for his parents and siblings. He will make the calls. If I think we need to go on a trip or a family outing, then I better start the ball rolling. Same with special time for our children (Dates with Daddy) I suggest/mention that a child needs or wants special time. He's willing to do all of those things, but isn't the one to figure out the logistics. For example, I will suggest he take the oldest 3 skating from 1:30-3:30pm or to a movie and tell him when it starts. No problem. Thinking back, he has tried, but bumps into me freaking out because something is already planned. Meaning, I *know* our children's activity/volunteer/nap/alter server/ etc. schedule. I plan, tell him the plan, he helps to make it happen. I don't think of that as a negative.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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Michaela
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| Posted: Oct 05 2012 at 6:55pm | IP Logged
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TracyFD wrote:
| My #1 language is probably "words of affirmation" as well, but this is what my dh is least capable of giving. An example: the morning of our anniversary he had to leave the house early. I was eating sugar-free at the time (or trying to). When I came downstairs and found a note under my coffee cup I felt my heart leap, but all the note said was, "No sugar." |
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My first thought after reading this was maybe his primary love language is acts of service.
Special day, both of you wanted that love....
You were because he left you a reminder (?) note (words of affirmation) and he was because you didn't go to the store (act of service) to buy him sugar for his coffee.
Ok....you didn't write that he even had a cup of coffee before leaving for work or that he was still consuming sugar. Those were just assumptions trying to figure out what happened over a note and no sugar. Can you tell I overanalyze things?
Hugs to you!
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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pumpkinmom
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I second (or third can't remember how many times it was mentioned ) that you both read the Language book together. I read it and thought I knew it all, but dh picked it up to read and I had his language wrong. I really think if his language was words of affirmation then you would hear it from him a lot. I also think you love tank is low (or empty). You sound like me when my tank went low recently. I told dh and since he read that book he understood what that meant and took it seriously. We both had to work together on it. Prayers for you and your dh!
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Cassie
Homeschooling my little patch of Ds-14 and Ds-10
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TracyFD
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| Posted: Oct 06 2012 at 6:01am | IP Logged
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Revisiting the Love Languages helps put our relationship into perspective, but to me, personally, my marriage feels unbalanced when I am giving or receiving only one of the five.
Regardless of a spouse's love language, can basic common-courtesy-thoughtfulness be encouraged or taught in a marriage relationship or family? Might I propose to my husband that we work on this trait together?
I think what concerns me more than the disappointment of not being thought of when I hope or expect to be, is that he does not seem to be thoughtful of anyone - not just me - unless he is specifically asked to. It's not that he has the capacity to be thoughtful and is withholding this from me, it's that he does not seem to have the capacity to begin with. Even if I do remind him to call his parents or siblings or suggest he take the kids somewhere, he most often forgets. It almost breaks my heart more to see him disappoint others. Sometimes I wonder if his parents think this is somehow due to me - one of the many humilities of being a daughter-in-law?
And yes, when my love tank is low it fatigues me to feel as if I am the one thoughtful person in the entire household. Couple that with my dh interviewing for a job that requires travel (and the prospect of doing without all of his acts of service during the week) and I suppose I am freaking out a little
Anyway, I do hope thoughtfulness can be learned and modeled. I find that I am already teaching my children how important this is - not just in sending thank you notes and cards, but in painting a picture in their minds about how the future could look if they make an effort to continue their sibling relationships - to remember birthdays and anniversaries, to accept sisters and brothers-in-law into the family, to think about being an aunt/uncle to each others children, to remember dear mom and dad and let them know that we would very much like to be a part of their adult lives.
We (the children and I) are about to begin the Clarkson's 24 Family Ways so I hope this makes a difference for the future of our family 
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Tracy
Mom to 3 girly girls,
1 absent-minded professor, and one adorable toddling terrorist.
Pinewood Castle
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pumpkinmom
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TracyFD wrote:
Regardless of a spouse's love language, can basic common-courtesy-thoughtfulness be encouraged or taught in a marriage relationship or family? Might I propose to my husband that we work on this trait together?
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You may be able to help encourage it. It might be that you and your dh have two different ideas of what is basic common-courtesy-thoughtfulness. I think you are each on the different ends of it and maybe a compromise could be reached if willing. To be honest, I don't call family on birthdays. That is just who I am and I don't think it is common courtesy to call people on their birthday's. If it helps to understand, I don't expect people to call me on my birthday and actually dislike it, but that is another topic, lol. My dh DOES call family on birthdays because that is how he was raised.
I wish I had more time to explain, but maybe this is a little insight.
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Cassie
Homeschooling my little patch of Ds-14 and Ds-10
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hsinfljmj
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pumpkinmom wrote:
| If it helps to understand, I don't expect people to call me on my birthday and actually dislike it, but that is another topic, lol. |
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I have similar feelings. I actually dislike "words of affirmation." They always give me negative feelings and so it has been hard for me to understand what it means to other people. I have only begun to catch on in the last couple of years how happy it makes my dh for me to compliment him, so I have made much more of an effort to do so. (Not that I was negative or mean before.)
My husband always makes fun of my thoughtlessness in a lighthearted way, joking and giving me a hug and kiss after. It makes me feel good that he accepts me as I am.
I think it is great for you to foster thoughtfulness in your family, but I do think you need to be careful not to make your husband feel rejected for being who he is.
HTH
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Chris V
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I saw this little gem floating around Facebook a few weeks ago. Made me laugh! Not that this in anyway resembles your situation, Tracy; but I think it's totally true. We women can be so complicated, while our men (and this rings true for my man) are usually anything but. We are so fundamentally different.
Hope it makes you smile 
Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it was nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to o to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.... My life is a is disaster.
His Diary:
Motorcycle won't start...can't figure out why.
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Chris
Happy Wife with my Happy Life
Mama to My Five Girls ('04~'07~'09~'11~'11) 
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JennGM
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Hilarious, Chris, and so true! My case here is DH pondering Why are his favorite teams losing?
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
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Nique
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Chris, how excellent! And your comment too JennGM.
Going to remember those
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I had always thought that once you grew up you could do anything you wanted - stay up all night or eat ice cream straight out of the container. ~Bill Bryson
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TracyFD
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Chris - so funny and more true than I care to admit! My melancholic temperament is so dominant I over-analyze everything.
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Tracy
Mom to 3 girly girls,
1 absent-minded professor, and one adorable toddling terrorist.
Pinewood Castle
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CrunchyMom
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BUMP!
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Thoughfulness in Marriage
