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Angie Mc
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August 2008, our family learned about thinking distortions and how they affect mood and decision-making. We have been working with this material - informally - for a year now and have been very blessed by it. This past February and March, I shared some of what we learned and enjoyed learning more via our discussion here, How we think - 6. Summary and Stories. Next week, my teens and I plan to review the subject formally.
1. Each day schedule 15 minutes for discussion.
2. Each member brings copy of ATFB Reminder Sheet for reference.
3. First meeting, brainstorm and list scenarios of interest for discussion, those faced or anticipated by teens. Prioritize list.
4. Discuss each scenario in light of Reminder Sheet material.
That's pretty much it! Would anyone else like to join us or to read about our discussions? Any other suggestions? I do believe that yummy snacks may be in order  .
Also, if anyone has any questions or insights about this topic in general, please feel free to share.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Aug 03 2009 at 11:29am | IP Logged
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Quote:
ACTION:
Your mom just asked, "How are you doing in math?" You are one month behind. |
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THOUGHTS
"I'll never get caught up."
"If I was in school I wouldn't get behind."
"I'll never get into college."
"I hate math."
"I'm bad at math."
"I better get caught up before my parents figure that I'm behind."
"My parents have too much to deal with already."
"I can handle this."
"I can deal with my own mistakes."
"I'll get a bad score on my SAT."
FEELINGS
Angry
Sad
Disappointed
Embarrassed
Guilty
Overwhelmed
Superficial
Alone
Isolated
Apathy
BEHAVIORS/REACTIONS
Ignore the problem.
Makes excuses.
Take frustration out on others in unrelated matters.
Get lost in other projects.
Compare yourself to other people.
Cheat.
Increase work.
THINKING DISTORTIONS ---> MORE TRUTHFUL THOUGHTS
All or Nothing
Either I do all my work each day or I do nothing. ---> I just need to do some math each day.
I need to do this all by myself. ---> I need to ask for help.
Overgeneralization
I'm a failure. ---> I'm currently not doing well with math. I'm a success in other areas of my life.
I'll never go to college. ---> I can find a way to go to college.
I hate math. ---> I currently don't understand math. This can change with help and practice.
Mental Filter
I'm bad at math. ---> I do some math well. I use math every day in real life.
Disqualifying the Positive
If I was in school, I'd be caught up. ---> If I was in school there were be other costs or problems and there is no promise that I would be doing better at math.
I stink at math.---> But I'm really good at athletics and language arts.
Jumping to Conclusions
I won't get to college ---> I can't see the future.
My mom will freak out. ---> I can't read her mind.
Magnification
I'll never get caught up. ---> Of course I can get caught up. I need to make a plan to tackle the work then I need to stick to it, chip away at it.
Emotional Reasoning
If my parents really cared, they would already know that I'm behind. ---> They can't read my mind and I've been misleading them.
Should Statements
I should have stuck with the course plan from the beginning. I should have asked for help. I should have masterd past material so I wouldn't be stuck now. ---> Oh well, I didn't. I entrust my mistakes to Divine Mercy.
Labeling/Mislabeling
I'm stupid. ---> I just don't get this math material right now.
Personalizatin
No one else has this problem. ---> Homeschoolers can look like they don't have problems but many people struggle with formal math.
FEELINGS NOW:
Relief
Hopeful
DIFFICULTIES:
Mundane, Inconvenience, Mistakes - This is not a Tragedy
CORRECTED BEHAVIORS/REACTIONS:
I'll ask for help from my parents. I won't get so emotionally involved in this. We'll come up with a plan and stick with it. We'll brainstorm different options and consider getting a tutor. I'll use my timer to break the work into small chunks. I'll reward myself once work is completed. I'll tell my friends that I'm behind and tell them I can't be online or with them until I'm caught up.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Aug 04 2009 at 10:32am | IP Logged
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Quote:
ACTION:
You just found out that you won't get the opportunity (new job, new team, scholarship, starting pitcher position) you had planned and worked to achieve. |
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THOUGHTS
"I'm not good enough."
"The coach is wrong."
"Others are being shown favoritism."
"I'm not getting a fair shot."
"I didn't try hard enough."
"I want it more than that kid."
"I've worked harder than that kid."
"They mislead me."
"They lied."
"He's a liar."
"I did my best and I still can't get what I want."
"What did I do wrong?"
"Why were they encouraging me?"
"My resume won't look strong without this."
"Where will I get money to pay for college?"
FEELINGS
Angry
Disappointed
Insulted
Confused
Burned
Tentative
Cheated
Stupid
Discouraged
Worry
Anxious
BEHAVIORS/REACTIONS
Cry.
Lose temper.
Take frustration out on others in unrelated matters.
Name call.
Make excuses.
Be lazy.
Blame others.
Quit.
THINKING DISTORTIONS ---> MORE TRUTHFUL THOUGHTS
All or Nothing
If I can't make this team, I can't make any team ---> I wasn't meant to be on this team, there are other teams, and there is always another chance.
Overgeneralization
No one wants me ---> Maybe there is a better opportunity and this isn't a good fit for me. Many people want and love me.
Mental Filter
This is bad ---> This may be good, helping me to avoid something bad.
Disqualifying the Positive
I wish I never tried ---> It's good to try and I can learn something from every experience.
Jumping to Conclusions
They don't like me ---> I can't read their minds.
My resume won't look good ---> Maybe something else will come up or maybe I don't need it.
I'll never get the money to pay for college ---> I can't read the future. We'll figure out something. I entrust this to God's Divine Providence.
Magnification
I'll never be a starting pitcher ---> It's just one game, one team, there will be opportunity as long as I play.
Emotional Reasoning
If those people liked me, they would have chosen me ---> It's not personal. They have a slot to fill. Other people deserve a shot at it too.
Should Statements
I should have applied sooner, worked harder, made more contacts, done better ---> Oh well, I didn't. I entrust my mistakes to Divine Mercy.
I did everything I could but I should have done more ---> I can't control what I don't control.
Labeling/Mislabeling
They're stupid ---> That's name-calling. I think they made a bad choice but they do other things well like manage a restaurant, coach a team, be a dad.
Personalization
It's all about me that I didn't get this ---> I wasn't right for it. Someone else was meant to get this opportunity. I hope they do well.
FEELINGS NOW:
Relief
Burden lifted
Encouraged
Hopeful
Light
DIFFICULTIES:
Mistakes, Misfortune, Misunderstanding, Inconvenience - This is not a Tragedy.
CORRECTED BEHAVIORS/REACTIONS:
I want to get right back out there and look for another opportunity. I'm going to practice my skills even more. I'm going to work that much harder. This will push me to do better.
I'm going to go back and ask them how I could have done better. I'm going to look even harder for another opportunity. I won't let this rejection suck the life out of me.
If I keep hitting the same failure, maybe God wants me to do something else. I'll pray for careful discernment and ask others who I trust for honest feedback.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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LLMom
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| Posted: Aug 06 2009 at 11:47am | IP Logged
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Angie,
Are your dc willing participants or are you making them do this? I have a ds that needs this, but when I mention this, I get a very negative reaction. I am going to make him do it though.
__________________
Lisa
For veteran & former homeschool moms
homeschooling ideas
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Angie Mc
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Quote:
ACTION:
You are caring for a baby you love and because of an error in your judgement the baby is hurt and crying inconsolably. |
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THOUGHTS
"I messed up."
"I can't believe this happened."
"Something is going to go wrong with him."
"What if he has to go to the hospital."
"It's all my fault."
"I'm mad at others who messed me up (distracted me.)"
"I'm going to get in trouble."
"This will never end."
"People are going to be mad at me."
FEELINGS
Shocked
Scared
Sad
Confused
Frustrated
Irritated
Angry
Worried
Disgusted
Embarrassed
Guilty
BEHAVIORS/REACTIONS
Lash out at anyone near.
Clam up.
Panic.
Lie about what happened.
Try to hide it.
Try to fix it alone.
Blame others.
THINKING DISTORTIONS ---> MORE TRUTHFUL THOUGHTS
All or Nothing
It's all my fault ---> I was given this responsibility by someone else. Circumstances collided.
Overgeneralization
This always happens to me ---> Everyone makes mistakes. I know parents sometimes can't protect their babies. I was hurt as a baby by mistake.
Mental Filter
He's so vulnerable ---> Babies are also good at bouncing back and healing quickly.
Disqualifying the Positive
I'm terrible at taking care of babies ---> Most of the time I take v ery good care of babies and they love me and my attention.
Jumping to Conclusions
He's going to die. ---> That's future-telling and the worst possible conclusion. I just need to take care of right now.
Magnification
He'll never stop screaming! ---> Babies eventually stop screaming.
Emotional Reasoning
If I really loved this baby, this wouldn't have happened ---> I do love this baby and I make mistakes.
Should Statements
I shouldn't have let this happen ---> It happened. I entrust my mistakes to Divine Mercy.
Labeling/Mislabeling
I stink at this ---> I'm good at taking care of babies a lot of the time and I'm good at a lot of other things.
Personalization
I feel so guilty, I can't do anything ---> This isn't about me or my feelings, I need to get help quickly.
FEELINGS NOW:
Relief
Burden lifted
Humbled
Glad
DIFFICULTIES:
Mistakes, Misfortune - This is not a Tragedy - (yet - most likely.)
CORRECTED BEHAVIORS/REACTIONS:
I'm going to ask for help immediately and tell the whole truth. I'm not going to shut down and I'm going to focus on taking care of the baby until help arrives. While I wait for help, I'm going to do all I can to comfort the baby and not take the crying personally. I'll sing to the baby and take deep breaths to calm us both down. I'll try different things to bring relief. I won't react angrily or let the baby know I'm upset. After the baby is cared for by an adult and is OK, I'll be quick to tell the baby "I'm sorry" and will ask the baby to forgive me. I won't shy away from loving the baby. In the future I will correct my mistakes. I won't let myself be distracted and I'll be more cautious. Once I've made things right, I'll forgive myself.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Aug 06 2009 at 6:28pm | IP Logged
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LLMom wrote:
Angie,
Are your dc willing participants or are you making them do this? I have a ds that needs this, but when I mention this, I get a very negative reaction. I am going to make him do it though. |
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Thanks for asking, Lisa. No, I'm not forcing my teens to do this - just strongly encouraging it  by carving out the time and providing the reminder sheets. Our family background allows for this because we've worked with the material informally for a year. We are also heavily into discussion in general (the habit of discussion.) If you are new to this material I would suggest you do what I did because it worked out well and I just happened to stumble upon it  . I spent almost a month working on this material myself, first. Once my dh and children saw for themselves my improved behaviors and mood, they were very receptive to hearing more about it. I introduced the material in a very generic way in that I didn't say, "Hey, you messed up and you magnified and you are entitled and...and...you...you." I just spent a few minutes a day over time introducing the material. I have more on the beginnings here at Be Blessed! A Family Study. My teens did choose the topics we would discuss and they chose them based on difficulties they've face or anticipate facing and are eager to not get trapped making difficulties harder than they need to be.
Lisa, if I missed the mark trying to answer your question, please let me know!
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Aug 07 2009 at 11:48am | IP Logged
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Quote:
ACTION:
You are out with a friend and your friend wants to change plans and do something that you have previously agreed was unacceptable (but not sinful) OR your friend chooses to return to school after you have homeschooled together. |
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THOUGHTS
"I thought we both agreed on this."
"Why would she change her mind?"
"Why didn't you let me know earlier?"
"He's been lying to me."
"Why would their parents allow this?"
"Can we still be friends?"
FEELINGS
Disappointed
Surprised
Discouraged
Disgusted
Irritated
Undermined
Embarrasseed
Alone
Lonely
Confused
Angry
BEHAVIORS/REACTIONS
Clam up.
Sulk.
Indecisive.
Question my beliefs.
Lash out at others.
Blame others.
Shy awy from friend.
Be tentative.
THINKING DISTORTIONS ---> MORE TRUTHFUL THOUGHTS
All or Nothing
Either friends agree on everything or they're not friends ---> No one agrees on everything. This is an opportunity to own what I believe and to get along with others who disagree with me.
Overgeneralization
I'm the only one who sticks with my beliefs ---> I change my mind on some things.
Mental Filter
Now we can't be friends ---> We have other things in common and can just agree to disagree.
Disqualifying the Positive
What they are doing is wrong ---> As long as it isn't sinful, they can choose for themselves what to do. It isn't my business.
Jumping to Conclusions
He won't like me now ---> That's mind reading and I can't read his mind.
We won't be as close friends any more ---> That's future telling and I can't tell the future.
Magnification
This is a big deal ---> Maybe it won't be. If I give myself some time to think about it, it won't feel so big.
Emotional Reasoning
If he was really my friend he would agree with me/keep homeschooling ---> He has shown me friendship in many ways. He's doing what he feels is right for him.
If he is making this decision, should I? ---> I can revisit my thoughts quickly but just because he's doing it, doesn't automatically mean that it's right for me.
Should Statements
I should have spoken up, tried to disuade her---> It happened. I don't control this.
Labeling/Mislabeling
He's stupid ---> He's pretty bright when I'm not mad.
She's making a mistake ---> It's her's to make. I tried to be a good friend.
Personalization
If he was really my friend, he would stay the same ---> This isn't about me. This is his choice and maybe it will help him.
FEELINGS NOW:
Relief
Happy for my friend
Hopeful that it works out
Burden lifted
DIFFICULTIES:
Mistakes, Misfortune, Misunderstanding, Inconvenience - This is not a Tragedy.
CORRECTED BEHAVIORS/REACTIONS:
I can still be friends even though we disagree. I'll focus on finding common ground and will avoid being judgemental. They may be having doubts about their decision and just look confident right now. There are things I do that my friend may not like or agree with. I'll take initiative to keep the friendship going.
I can always make other friends. I don't want or need a best friend, I just need good friends to hang around with and have fun with. I can reconsider my beliefs but hold onto them if they are still right for me. I can wish my friends good luck and move on.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Topic: How we think - teens
