| Author | |
Faithr
Forum Rookie
Joined: June 26 2009
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 61
|
| Posted: July 23 2009 at 7:18am | IP Logged
|
 |
|
How do you deal with a child who must always be right or they get their nose out of joint big time or who must always have the final word, no matter what? I find myself very impatient and exasperated all the time which of course generates a lot of tension. So does anyone have any hints for how to approach this proactively, calmly and lovingly? I don't even think the child in question (only 8 yo)is even quite conscious of what she does. It's always someone else's fault.
Thanks!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Jess
Forum Pro
Joined: July 25 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 372
|
| Posted: July 23 2009 at 9:21am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I have one of these too and he is 8 also. I always think that it is because he is the only boy so he thinks he needs to be right all the time. Boy does he get upset when he isn't. Last night at dinner he said something and accidently said the wrong word (you know when you just know you said the right thing but actually you didn't) and when his sisters corrected him he got so upset and said that he didn't say the wrong word. I wasn't going to tell him that he actually did say the wrong thing but he was getting so upset at them. I still don't think he believed me even though I calmly told him that yes you did say the wrong word but we know that you meant this other word (I can't even remember what it was) and it is ok so please calm down.
I am hoping to get some ideas here too because I don't want him to get worse as he gets older. I was just thinking yesterday that God needs to send this boy a brother to help him. 
__________________
God bless,
Jess
+JMJ+
wife to dh('96)
mama to dd(13), dd(11), ds(9), dd(6), and dd (2), and baby girl born Sept 14!
star cottage
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Martha in VA
Forum Pro
Joined: Nov 15 2006
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 496
|
| Posted: July 23 2009 at 9:49am | IP Logged
|
|
|
We have one like this. I've come to accept that this vice of pride will likely be the thorn in her side for her whole life. We pray often for and with her and try to gently help her recognize how this vice is manifesting itself in her life. We have found this book to be very helpful in helping us understand her.
Martha in VA
__________________
Blessed wife & mom to
4dds,miracle son 4/09, 2 in heaven
My Conversion Blog
Our Family Blog
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SuzanneG
Forum Moderator
Joined: June 17 2006
Location: Idaho
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5465
|
| Posted: July 23 2009 at 9:58am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Martha in VA wrote:
| We have found this book to be very helpful in helping us understand her. |
|
|
I was just coming here to recommend this book!!!! Raise Them Saints.....Teach Them Virtues by Mary Ann Budnik. She also has an examination of conscience for different temperaments that I just ordered, haven't seen it yet.....but that could be helpful too in using it as a parent-check of sorts to see what / how to work with her. I'll check in when I get it in a couple days.
__________________
Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SuzanneG
Forum Moderator
Joined: June 17 2006
Location: Idaho
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5465
|
| Posted: July 23 2009 at 10:22am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Also Temperament God Gave You...Choleric children are on page 104-113....helpful as an overview, but there is more DETAIL in the Teach-Them-Virtues book. But, still worth reading and reflecting and brainstorming over.
Can you think of some ways to pro-actively give this child some leadership roles??? Give them many opportunities for responsibility so that they can be "right" and a "know-it-all" within a *good* context? Babysitting, planning meals, planning a get-together, organizing something completely on her own, in charge of an art project, challenging her to think of X,Y,or Z......("We are going hiking on Saturday, do you think you could organize it for us?" And, then the first time.....help her through the process - if she needs it - but after that I'll bet she really embraces it and will be a big help to you organization-wise).
Kids like this are just LOOKIN' for leadership. So, GIVE IT TO 'EM!!!!!!
And, I'm not discounting the "blaming others" thing.....just saying that maybe if she had ways to "be right" (leadership) and be in charge....she wouldn't have the need to misplace her "rightness." Does that make sense???
THEN, when she starts being a know-it-all and doing the blaming thing, you can say "I know you think you are right, but this is for mommy to decide...remember how you organized the hike, and you were in charge? Well, you did a really good job, and we respected your decisions. But right now, this is a decision mom is making, and you need to respect my decision/reasoning/whatever.
From The Temperament God Gave You
Do:
::Acknowledge their achievements and contributions
::Give them opportunities to compete and debate
::Give them good reasons for what you are asking
::Pick your battles (or you will be arguing all the time)
::Help them to develop empathy and civility and to listen before speaking
Don't:
::Punish them for arguing
::Control everything about their lives
::Try to break their will
::Take their arguments too personally
__________________
Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
mary theresa
Forum All-Star
Joined: Nov 08 2006
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 766
|
| Posted: July 23 2009 at 2:40pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
SuzanneG wrote:
just saying that maybe if she had ways to "be right" (leadership) and be in charge....she wouldn't have the need to misplace her "rightness." Does that make sense???
|
|
|
When I was reading your post this is what came to mind. In the book Suzanne is talking about I think it says for Cholerics somewhere, something like "When they ARE right, tell them so. They appreciate it."
That really stuck with me when I read it.
I have a Choleric father, brother, husband and daughter and they ALL appreciate this acknowledgment of rightness when they are right. 
Do you know what I mean?
When my daughter tells me, annoyingly  when I am cooking, "Mommy, you havva be careful because its hot." I say, Yes, you are RIGHT, I do have to be careful." Then she's satisfied, feeling like she contributed in some way to the dinner, or something. 
When my husband says, "see, I told you so, you should have told your s-i-l no you couldn't if you were too tired" then I say, "YES, you are right."
Emphasizing the times that they are right and acknowledging it, helps soothe the "need" to be right and soften the blow the times when (just sometimes you know ) they aren't.
Good luck!
__________________
Mary Theresa
mother to 3 little girls --March '06, Dec '07 and Jan '10
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
juststartn
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 17 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1321
|
| Posted: July 23 2009 at 3:22pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
So I am not the only one with one (or more!) of these dc? Sooo glad. LOL
Rachel
__________________
Married DH 4/1/95
Lily 3/11/00
Helena(Layna) 5/23/02
Sophia 4/19/04
John 5/7/07
David 5/7/07
Ava Maria, in the arms of Jesus, 9/5/08
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Faithr
Forum Rookie
Joined: June 26 2009
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 61
|
| Posted: July 23 2009 at 5:32pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Thanks everyone! I read The Temperament God Gave You a few years ago. I'd forgotten about it! And the Budnik book looks very good. I think I'll invest in it. I'm not much of a punisher or controller (I struggle with being a pushover!)but I do think I take things too personally. I'll have to work on that. I do try to compliment her on being right but usually I'm slow on the uptake and she's already noticed and brought it to my attention!!!! LOL!
She's a little pistol and a cutie-pie even if she's difficult at times.
Thanks all!
Blessings,
Faith
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SuzanneG
Forum Moderator
Joined: June 17 2006
Location: Idaho
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5465
|
| Posted: July 23 2009 at 6:43pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
mary theresa wrote:
| I have a Choleric father, brother, husband and daughter and they ALL appreciate this acknowledgment of rightness when they are right. |
|
|
Ay-yai-yai! You're surrounded by them!  Mary-Theresa, you realize, don't you, that they are YOUR path to heaven???!!!!!!!
__________________
Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
mary theresa
Forum All-Star
Joined: Nov 08 2006
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 766
|
| Posted: July 23 2009 at 7:41pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
SuzanneG wrote:
mary theresa wrote:
| I have a Choleric father, brother, husband and daughter and they ALL appreciate this acknowledgment of rightness when they are right. |
|
|
Ay-yai-yai! You're surrounded by them! Mary-Theresa, you realize, don't you, that they are YOUR path to heaven???!!!!!!! |
|
|
Ahhh, I hope so, Suzanne! I'm sure God must really think that this phlegmatic needs alot of choleric help. I didn't mention my choleric mother-in-law and two choleric sister-in-laws, did I?
I will say though, I definitely take refuge in my sweet youngest daughter's non-choleric-ness some days.
__________________
Mary Theresa
mother to 3 little girls --March '06, Dec '07 and Jan '10
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SuzanneG
Forum Moderator
Joined: June 17 2006
Location: Idaho
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5465
|
| Posted: July 24 2009 at 8:40am | IP Logged
|
|
|
mary theresa wrote:
| I didn't mention my choleric mother-in-law and two choleric sister-in-laws, did I? |
|
|
MERCIFUL HEAVENS!!!!!!!!    (if ever there was a time for an over-abundant-use-of-emoticons....NOW would be IT! )
AMAZING!
__________________
Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Jess
Forum Pro
Joined: July 25 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 372
|
| Posted: July 24 2009 at 1:44pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
LOL Suzanne you are cracking me up!
__________________
God bless,
Jess
+JMJ+
wife to dh('96)
mama to dd(13), dd(11), ds(9), dd(6), and dd (2), and baby girl born Sept 14!
star cottage
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Prickly child!
