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Ruth
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I'd like to get your opinion on dating.
We have a beautiful, lovely 18 year old daughter. She's almost finished with her high school subjects. There is a young boy from church, 20, who just asked my husband and me permission to start dating our daughter. They've been friends for a long time and he's been coming over and spending time with her here. They've gone out with friends a few times.
We've always told our kids they would be aloud to date once they turned 18, assuming they would be done with high school.
So what is dating? They must avoid the near occasion of sin. Do they go out only as a group as they have before? My husband responded to him in a beautiful long letter, since that is how he asked us. We haven't sent it yet, because I still want to be clear about what we all expect.
Am I making any sense? I'm not ready for this. She's still my baby 
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aussieannie
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Ruth, I've still time up my sleave on dealing with these issues in depth personally but here is some interesting links I've found that might be helpful:
http://nextwavefaithful.com/love_june2005.asp
http://nextwavefaithful.com/love_feb05.asp
http://www.courtshipnow.com/
http://www.4marks.com/articles/details.html?article_id=846
http://www.ad2000.com.au/articles/2006/oct2006p17_2374.html
God Bless, Anne
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momwats8
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We have friends here whose 18 year old daughter has been dating for a year. They only allow them to see each other on the weekends and in public or at home when one or both parents are present. They usually send one or more of her siblings along with them on their "dates" like to the movies or dinner. It has worked out very well for them so far.
Hope this helps.
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Angie Mc
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What an exciting time, Ruth. I'm so glad that you have started this topic. To my ears, what you are describing is courting. Am I right to think that the difference between dating and courting is that courting is about building a friendship, protecting hearts, and discerning marriage? I don't know  .
Love,
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Michaela
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Angie Mc wrote:
What an exciting time, Ruth. I'm so glad that you have started this topic. To my ears, what you are describing is courting. Am I right to think that the difference between dating and courting is that courting is about building a friendship, protecting hearts, and discerning marriage? I don't know .
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My children are still too young, however like Angie, I'm glad to see this topic being discussed here. It will be helpful to know how to word our expectations when our children are at an age this becomes an issue.
I plan to check the links Anne shared.
One thing that I remember reading is that DATING is something a husband and wife do. (Not that DH and I get any date nights. ) COURTING is what you've described, Ruth.
As a side thought....  you and your husband MUST be doing a wonderful job that the young man came to you to ask. Also, since I wasn't raised in the (any) church I'm also impressed with your family rule of having to be 18 to date. DH and I were married just after I turned 18.
So...I'll have nothing to contribute, but I will be keeping my eyes on this thread.
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Angela F
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Ruth,
I don't have anyone of courting age, but my 14yo dd won the book Arms of Love at a wonderful conference. She's read it, I've read it and I think it paints a beautiful picture of what courting can be like. Anyway, I enjoyed reading it. Anyone else?
God bless,
Angela
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Lisa R
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Thanks for asking this question. We are very quickly coming to this age ourselves.
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Erin
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Ruth
On a word of warning note, a few years back I started thinking more in depth about the whole structure thing of courtship, alot of what I read and is out there on courtship was/is Protestant and it is VERY different take to the Catholic view of courting.
I'm no good at the link thing but I remember on the CMM list someone posted to a series of Catholic articles on the Catholic view of courting and it blew all my previous reading out of the water. I'm sorry I can't be more specific than that, perhaps someone may know the series, it was a female author that is all I recall.
I'm fascinated by this discussion myself as on a personal note dh and I courted more than dated although it was something more directed by ourselves. Yeah we had lots of time with younger siblings tagging along. 
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Michaela
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Erin wrote:
| I'm no good at the link thing but I remember on the CMM list someone posted to a series of Catholic articles on the Catholic view of courting and it blew all my previous reading out of the water. I'm sorry I can't be more specific than that, perhaps someone may know the series, it was a female author that is all I recall. |
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Here's one from the CCM list I just found:
A Catholic critique of a current notion of courtship
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Erin
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Michaela
you are amazing finding that  That is the one. i particularly remember the part about the 'de-emphasis on feelings' and how it wasn't healthy.
What do you ladies think of the article? This article changed my whole thinking on the subject Previously I had read articles from the Maxwell's etc and this Catholic critique was soo different.
Thanks Michaela and thank you Ruth for brining up this topic.
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Lisbet
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Ruth,
Mine are still too young for this to be a concern for me, but I know that I want to be prepared. I just wanted to say that it gave me goosebumps (or Spirit bumps as a friend calls 'em) to read that the young man asked to date your daughter. How wonderful.
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JodieLyn
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I've read some about courtship and dating.. and the big thing I see as different is that dating is "recreational".. and may let you get attached emotionally.. and then breaking up and being hurt emotionally and then doing it all over again.
courtship.. seems to be more protective.. in that both are looking for marriage at the time and have an interest in each other.
While I don't recommend "whirlwind" engagments.. the longer you foster an emotional attachment without moving on to the next step (marriage).. it's been my experience that it's harder to avoid occations of sin. And while I haven't let it make me bitter.. pushing adult childre to wait and wait and wait.. well it's definately on my list of "things I won't do to my children".
Most of what I've read is protestant(though I've found a few... very few.. Catholic sources). But I'm not sold on any one form that courtship will take.. but that the main idea behind "dating" seems to be to "try on" someone.. and foster an emotional attachment without necessarily any plan to marry in the near future.. while courtship is after getting to know each other without fostering an emotional attachment.. and looking toward marriage to each other.
I believe it was Josh Harris in "I Kisse Dating Goodbye" that says that dating is a flawed system.. it's been around a relatively short time and started with teens running around in cars and not being with their families.. courting used to happen within the context of the family.. not by running around with one other special (for the moment) person and essentially acting like you're married when you're not. That the whole form of dating.. "fall in love" and date someone and then "fall out of love" and break up and then do the whole thing over again with someone else.. isn't training children in marriage but in divorce. As well as putting the feeling of the moment as the most important aspect.
How often do divorce courts hear "I just don't love him/her anymore" apparently having been taught that love is a feeling that you either have or not.. not a verb that you can choose to act upon.
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Ruth
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Thank you for your responses. I'm praying the The Holy Spirit guide us to say the right thing to him, and that we explain our expectations to our children. Please pray for us, and keep the advice coming.
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seven2hold
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Ruth,
I haven't read all the replies here, but read down to Angela. I want to echo her reccomendation to have A read Arms of Love. M & L have read it and they love it. Rather than J & I imposing restrictions on their relationships, they have read the story and want their love stories to unfold simmilarly to Joni & Brandon, the main characters of the book. Be sure to read it yourself. It is very enjoyable.
M told me she want's her daddy to read the two to three pages in the book where Joni's father explains to Brandon what courting is.
Much love,
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Angela F
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Kathy,
I'm so glad you responded! I do think it paints such a lovely picture of what can be without imposing restrictions. Sure, the boundaries must be laid out, but this book, I think, can certainly be a real help to parents in doing just that!
Dh and I were just talking about courting vs. dating and I was thinking there's no way I can get him to read the whole book, but what a great idea to have him just read certain sections! Thank you for that idea!
Ruth, any possibility of your daughter being able to read this book? I'd be happy (with my daughters permission) to lend you ours if we could get it back! PM me if you'd like.
Much love and prayers to you all,
Angela
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CrunchyMom
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I think that the anthology Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar is a good source.Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar Lots of excerpts from "Living Books"
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Natalia
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Erin,
How are the Catholic and Protestant view different?
Natalia
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Ruth
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Angela F wrote:
Ruth, any possibility of your daughter being able to read this book? I'd be happy (with my daughters permission) to lend you ours if we could get it back! PM me if you'd like.
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Just ordered it
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Leonie
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We "allow" dating from 18 - but dates mostly include hanging the dating couple out with a group of young people and with families. We strongly advise our kids against many couple only dates.
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folklaur
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Erin wrote:
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Wow. I had not seen that article before, and have only had experience with some of the other (and I guess mainly Protestant) sources mentioned.
I just read it quickly, and want to go back and read it again, but it really struck a chord. There was always something in the dating/courtship books I had read that didn't sit quite right. I think this article might explain why...
Having an 18yodd ourselves, this is something that dh and I discuss a lot.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: What is dating?
