Oh, Dearest Mother, Sweetest Virgin of Altagracia, our Patroness. You are our Advocate and to you we recommend our needs. You are our Teacher and like disciples we come to learn from the example of your holy life. You are our Mother, and like children, we come to offer you all of the love of our hearts. Receive, dearest Mother, our offerings and listen attentively to our supplications. Amen.



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Lisbet
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Posted: Dec 06 2007 at 7:45am | IP Logged Quote Lisbet

In another thread Angie Mc wrote:

Quote:
My "mother culture" had slipped a bit but not enough to explain my fatigue.


Now I've read about this in Karen Andreolas book, and of course I've seen it used here before, but, I was wondering if you all could share what this translates to in your own day to day lives? Thanks!

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Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 8:26am | IP Logged Quote MarieC

I'm mostly responding to get this to bump up b/c I'm wondering the same thing.

Right now the only Mother Culture I get is playtime after Mass on Tuesdays and the occassional tea party. Oh, and I'm cross stitching like crazy to make a panel for an Easter dress. But I'm not sure any of that is actually "Mother Culture".

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Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 9:16am | IP Logged Quote Lisbet

Thanks Marie.

I thought of our Tuesday mornings and our tea parties too, but I was wondering if there was more to it, like on a day to day basis.



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Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 10:43am | IP Logged Quote Angie Mc

Hey, Lisbet. Before I blab, here is a link to two...only two...other topics with the subject of Mother Culture. Wow, did this give me pause since this is such an important topic. During this season of Advent, this topic couldn't be more timely.

I define Mother Culture as giving deliberate attention to what I know will fuel me and bring me joy so that I can give to God and others. Sometimes things give me energy and joy by accident, surprise, or happenstance. Sometimes others give me great energy and joy. I love and appreciate when this happens. Mother Culture, for me, is different. Mother Culture is my responsibility and my habit. I need to choose daily to care for myself, and be an example of taking care of myself to my family.

Yes, I often fail miserably. I fail when I forget, or postpone, or rationalize skipping my good stuff. And sometimes I'm doing well with my Mother Culture but it just isn't enough to combat the hard times. What I've learned is that this is all OK. Mother Culture isn't a magic pill as much as a discipline and a proven path to eventual peace, to be returned to over and over again. It can't be, by it's intent, "one more thing to do on my to do list", yet I may just have to put it on my to-do list and calendar just to make sure it happens. I need to have a few tried and true Mother Culture avenues to peace as well as some variety to keep me interested.

I warned you I was going to blab! (We have a stomach flu here so I'm relaxing off and on at the computer.)

Tried and true? Living books. Exercise. Reading at 4Real. Cooking. Talking with my family. Watching movies with family. Walking outside. Listen to music.

Variety? Different books. Different exercises (videos, for my posture, martial arts, walking.) Different tasks at 4Real. Cooking different recipes. Talking with friends. Watching a movie for the first time. Walking in different areas. Listen to new music.

After reading Karen Andreola's article (linked above) I was reminded of an adjustment I need to make....

Quote:
"Besides my Bible, I always keep three books going that are just for me - a stiff book, a moderately easy book, and a novel or one of poetry. I always take up the one I feel fit for. That is the secret: always have something 'going' to grow by."


My stuff is all too stiff right now. I'm sure there are suggestions for moderate and light books here somewhere...I would appreciate being pointed in the right direction.

Just yesterday, a IRL/non-member friend shared with me some thoughts on when life gets hard and serious, we need to make room for light. She is a cancer survivor, mother of many, whose family is going through serious employment and financial suffering. They are faithful and devout. They know serious! So in addition to doing all that is right as a good and faithful woman, she purchased herself some Dick Van Dyke DVDs. While she corrects her children's school work each day, she watches the DVDs. She said she knows this isn't very spiritual, but it makes her laugh and brings peace during a very difficult time. Her story made me want to get out my old Bruce Springsteen CDs!...think I'll go do that right now .

Thanks, Lisbet and Marie.

Love,
     

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Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 1:02pm | IP Logged Quote margot helene

Angie Mc wrote:
Her story made me want to get out my old Bruce Springsteen CDs!...think I'll go do that right now .
     


HAHA!!! I've been listening to Neil Young the past two weeks and wondering why I've been seeking it out!! I guess I've been craving that simpler time (single time) before kids and a to-do list that can never be accomplished. It was, in a way, a melancholy, reflective time for me so I have lots of melancholy catharsis as I listen to it. Yet, feeling kind of guilty - it's not high class listening fare!!! Now I can listen knowing it's doing me some good!!!

I agree this is a good time of year to talk about Mother Culture. It's the time when it is SOOOO sweet to be a mother. I just have to remember to lay back (relax) and enjoy it, to seek out those things that refresh and stabilize, to look anew at and appreciate my family.
Thanks for this post to remind of that.
Thanks Cay for pointing it out to me!
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Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 1:45pm | IP Logged Quote Lisbet

Thanks so much Angie! I was enlightened by your 'blabbing'! :)

So I suppose our tea parties and social time after mass on Tuesdays can be part of our "Mother Culture" Marie! :) (I've missed you guys on Tuesdays!)

It seems like maybe I have these kinds of things but never considered it as such. How do you decided what exactly is worthy of being callled mother culture, and what may just be a selfish indulgence? I really struggle with this.

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Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 2:33pm | IP Logged Quote Jess

Thanks for asking this Lisa! I too struggle with what would be defined as Mother Culture and what is just indulgence. I think the talking with other moms after Mass during the week, reading a few blogs, coming on the 4Real board, knitting (when I get a chance), sewing, reading and things like that qualify for Mother Culture. I don't really get the time to read and knit and sew like I would like (clingy fussy baby right now), but I try to do something once a day to sort of refresh myself. We give a lot of ourselves all day so it is nice to boost ourselves with something we enjoy everyday, even if it is just reading on the boards or a couple of blogs. I'm not saying we have to even go anywhere to refresh ourselves, just do something we enjoy. I love to read and I agree about having a lighter read going, even just to read a couple of pages if possible. I would love more time to knit and sew but right now just isn't the time, so my internet time is my Mother Culture right now I guess. Thanks for bringing this up

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Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 3:23pm | IP Logged Quote Angie Mc

Lisbet wrote:
     How do you decided what exactly is worthy of being callled mother culture, and what may just be a selfish indulgence? I really struggle with this.


For me, my Mother Culture can't negatively affect anyone else. Other than that, I know myself and my devotion to God and desire to fulfill my vocation and am not inclinded toward selfish indulgence or sloth (Yes, I have selfish and slothful moments and I do ask God to make them known to me and to help me to sin no more.) If anything, I err on the side of not doing enough for myself which ends up negatively affecting my relationship with God and loved ones. For example...

I don't leave my babies for Mother Culture. I don't go on retreats or to the coffee shop or to a class away from my babies. During baby times, I figure out ways to integrate Mother Culture into the precious time of mothering a baby because I believe that my baby needs me and the coffee can wait. I also don't go out with friends at night because my dh works some nights and when he's home I want to be with him. Although he would be willing to hold down the fort while I go out, he is tired and I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself at his expense. Because I'm an extrovert, I also don't always need to be alone to perceive what I'm doing as Mother Culture. I love to cook and will most often have a child in the kitchen with me. Interestingly though, I ask them to be very quiet because I don't like to talk (imagine that? ) while I cook.

I love how Jess describes her Mother Culture. The beauty of baby and little children time is that I've learned how to find little spaces for myself.

Love,

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Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 4:57pm | IP Logged Quote Rachel May

Angie Mc wrote:

For me, my Mother Culture can't negatively affect anyone else.


This is extremely helpful, and I thought your first post was brilliant. I think, like Lisbet, Mother Culture has been a part of my life without having an official title.

As for light reads, we are currently laughing our way through Millions. A few parts are theologically off, but the story is quick paced, well told, deeper than it seems at first, and very funny. I'm also going to start working my way through the Faith and Family summer reading list which has been in my calendar for ages waiting to hit the library request list.

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Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 5:00pm | IP Logged Quote hereinantwerp

I would affirm that sometimes just doing something "light" is important. I have been going through some very heavy things for a few years, and there are a few times when I have needed to just put it on the shelf for a day or a few hours. That was advice given to me by a spiritual director I sought out, and it was the right advice at the right time. For me, reading a nice "cozy" mystery (like Agatha Christie or Dorothy Sayers) works. Going to bed early and just reading with a cup of tea and forgetting about the task list for a night. Browsing at the library without kids for a few books for myself. Meeting a friend for a cup of tea and prayer together (I have a close friend, we meet weekly now. It makes such a DIFFERENCE when you are tracking together like that, when someone really knows what is going on with you and you support each other!)

Even when I have had babies, I have needed some time to myself. Sorry if that sounds "heretical". But life--things--noise and the conflicts with the kids--can get too intense for me. Also on an introvert/extrovert scale I am WAY to the introvert side. Maybe our gracious Lord has provided for this in a husband who is in many ways more "nurturing" and relational than I, and has a flexible schedule (he's gone a lot at night but can sometimes spot me for a break midday), and who would always rather watch the kids at home than go shopping in any form! I just can't complain too much about how the house looks when I get home, about the nutritional content of a lunch or dinner he serves (LOL), etc.!

I think people are different in the amount of energy they have, in their capacity--I've tried to stop feeling guilty about it. I can compare myself to moms who have 6 or 8 kids and think, why do I struggle so much? But the Lord knows, what each person has on their plate--he gives both responsibility, and provision for what we need, as is best. Comparing ourselves with others is SO draining. And sometimes others who seem all fine can have things to deal with we know nothing about. When there is genuine need, and we cry out to him for relief, the Lord will provide in some creative way. My third baby had very bad reflux, and for naps and bedtimes I would have to hold her up for 30-40 minutes even after she fell asleep (and she did not fall asleep easily, so this usually meant an hour stuck in a chair!). It was frustrating as I had things I wanted to go do, and sometimes I could hear the boys NOT doing what they ought to do. But at the same time those long sessions in the rocking chair became a time of solace where the Holy Spirit often ministered to me! Often I felt "settled" inside through this time, and I had some of my best times of prayer and just reconnecting with my Savior, because I WASN'T distracted. Like I said, "trapped in a chair"--but who knows, maybe it is exactly what I needed, and the Lord knew!

There are some "endurance" times such as with a brand new baby, but they do not last forever. It is also hard for me sometimes to separate the things that really need to be accomplished vs. the things that I can let go. Right now, my house looks like an 8 and 12 year old boy clean it--well, they do. I'm not entirely thrilled with this, but I keep suffering "energy crashes," and need the help, and in the end, sometimes I have needed to learn to flex! But if I don't have some "alone" times, a break from the noise, I go really nuts and the home atmosphere becomes really, really bad. So through the different years I have found a way to make it work--different things at different times. Also I've become wiser about using those precious times--eg. not just running around town doing errands, but truly finding a quiet place to still my heart and "reconnect."

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Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 5:20pm | IP Logged Quote Natalia

margot helene wrote:

Yet, feeling kind of guilty - it's not high class listening fare!!! Now I can listen knowing it's doing me some good!!!


I don't know about all you but I think that homeschooling has made me more serious. I feel a little be guilty if I am not watching, reading,listening to things that are just fluff. It almost as if I felt that I have to have a learning experience out of everything. I think because of that I put undue pressure on myself and my kids.

To me lately mother culture is about regaining a joy of living, enjoying the little pleasures of life even when there is not a lesson in it. I don't want a steady diet of fluff but fluff every now and then could mean the difference between sanity and insanity, between sweetness and grouchiness.

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Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 5:34pm | IP Logged Quote Natalia

Angie,
Have you read the Number 1 Ladies Detective Agency series of books? They are great fun, light reading. And if you can get them on tape it is even better. The reader is awesome.

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Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 6:35pm | IP Logged Quote Lisbet

Angie,

I hope you didn't think that I was saying your definition of mother culture could be considered selfish. I re-read what I wrote and thought it could be taken that way. I am[/] inclined to laziness! I work on this constantly.

I read the link to the Andreola article and she seems a bit more 'heady' than what my thoughts on it would be. Although I do like how she suggests to share it with the family, such as the games and things. I like the three book idea alot too, although I would consider reading here and some blogs part of that. I also agree with you on the baby part. In my case, I have had a baby nonstop for the past 13 years now! ;) (Praise God!) I take my babies everywhere with me until they are a year old, by then I am usually a few months from the next baby! LOL!

I'm really going to reflect on this and try to define my own 'mother culture' and allot for it in our day.   I am kind of surprised that there has not been more discussion on this topic here too!

I would really love to hear some more specifics from others too!

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Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 6:37pm | IP Logged Quote Lisbet

I have no idea why I went all italics here! LOL!

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Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 7:11pm | IP Logged Quote SeaStar

Yesterday at church I brought a novel with me to read while waiting for the children to finish up in the atrium (which they are truly enjoying). The other moms- all homeschoolers- were pretty shocked to see a book in my hands, all claiming they had no time at all for reading.

I found myself babbling, making excuses, saying "My dh has been away in India for two weeks, we've all been sick, and I just need *something* extra to look forward to each day."

I felt guilty, but then I thought... well, for goodness sake- I'm READING a BOOK! I'm modeling literacy for my dc and reducing my stress level at the same time. That can't be so wrong...

I really like the idea of identifying this as "mother culture". I claim book reading for mine

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Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 7:41pm | IP Logged Quote Angie Mc

Rachel May wrote:
As for light reads, we are currently laughing our way through Millions....Faith and Family summer reading list which has been in my calendar for ages waiting to hit the library request list.


Thanks for the recommendations, Rachel, and for your kind words.

So many wonderful thoughts here, Angela. I really like your thoughts on needing to know how you get your energy (introvert or extrovert), guilt (and not doing it) and seasons of life. Thank you!

For me, the best part about growing through experience in my mothering is that I better know who I am, what season I'm in, and what I need, so I'm less inclined to do guilt. The early years of mothering are full of trial and...learning ...which is a wonderful and rightful use of our time. I remember being told shortly after my first baby was born that I needed to *take care of myself* by going and getting my hair and nails done and I felt guilty when I didn't want to go. Now, the thought is just hilarious...good hair and nice nails are so NOT me (not that I'm striving for bad hair and nails .) But at the time I didn't know myself so well, went, hated it, and came home to a crying baby and new father . Yet, for another mother, getting her hair and nails done, getting some alone time through it, and feeling pampered can place her on cloud nine for her family who had a wonderful time while she was gone. Everyone is happy. That's good Mother Culture in my book.

Understanding iintroversion and extroversion as a way to understand how someone gets their energy has been very helpful to me in figuring out my Mother Culture needs. Here's a clip from the article:

Quote:
Introversion and Extroversion
It's the extroverts who need to go outside of themselves, talking and interacting with others and the world around them in order to figure out how they feel and to find the energy to cope. Introverts go inside of themselves in order to sort out their feelings. They need space, unstructured time, and quiet in order to polish their thoughts and energize. Introversion and extroversion do not describe social skills. Introverts can be very social people and strong leaders. They simply think and feel best when they have the opportunity and space to reflect. Extroverts are not all party animals. If they are temperamentally cautious in new situations, they may be quiet initially when meeting people, but they like to do their thinking by talking. They are energized by interaction and activity.

Most people demonstrate a preference for one style or the other, but each of these traits is on a continuum. You can have a strong preference or a slight one. What's most important is recognizing at a particular moment whether your child needs time, space, and quiet, or an opportunity to talk. If you watch closely your child will let you know her preference, even if she's only an infant.


Love,

   

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Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 8:08pm | IP Logged Quote Angie Mc

Natalia wrote:
I don't know about all you but I think that homeschooling has made me more serious. I feel a little be guilty if I am not watching, reading,listening to things that are just fluff. Natalia


Excellent point, Natalia. What IS up with this? Do we do God, ourselves, our family, or our sister home educators any benefit by being so serious? I'm pretty serious bytemperament (I'm chloric) but fortunately I have many very fun folks in my life who I really admire, like my brother and 12yo ds. All of my children are very funny in their own ways. One of the things I love most about my dh is that no one can make me laugh like he can! My extended family is hilarious (right, Jennifer?) Ha...I'm just now piecing together that laughing is important Mother Culture for me .    

SeaStar wrote:
Yesterday at church I brought a novel with me to read while waiting for the children to finish up in the atrium (which they are truly enjoying). The other moms- all homeschoolers- were pretty shocked to see a book in my hands, all claiming they had no time at all for reading.

I really like the idea of identifying this as "mother culture". I claim book reading for mine


Again, do we do God, ourselves, our family, or our sister home educators any benefit by being so busy that we don't have time to read?...to take a five minute quiet break?...to talk on the phone leisurely with a friend? Do we unwittingly make home educating appear to be grim and undoable? We really DO need to claim and protect our Mother Culture, because for better and worse, the homeschooling community can be a seriously serious group. Seriously .

Love,   

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Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 8:08pm | IP Logged Quote Nina Murphy

I love what Natalia said. So true!

Look: know thyself. And thy marriage. You have to do what you have to do to keep it all together. Things ebb and flow. There might be more "indulgent" times, and that is the way it simply is. I think if we live in the Spirit and believe we are His Children, we need to trust that His Will is being done in us, and live in the Present Moment without over analyzing everything.   Some of us just need more space and more quiet due to our temperaments, and need to figure out how to keep our cool in a very hectic crowded household. It's an individual thing.

I think we all are trying SO hard and want SO badly to be good and do what is right....(and we ought to) but we need to cut ourselves some slack once in a while and just recognize our limitations...putting on the proverbial airmask first and allowing ourselves that "time". Danielle Bean had a good little snippet on her blog about mother guilt a while back.

Again, it's different for every woman and family. I do not LIKE time going out by myself like in the Holly Pierlot book for a day, or with friends, actually. I would rather go out with my husband alone or one child or just stay on my bed and have quiet time, just stay at home. It is different for everyone what rejuvenates. I am kind of reserved and internal that way. Social things actually drain me. Reading in quiet invigorates me!

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Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 8:19pm | IP Logged Quote JenniferS

This is an interesting thread. Glad you ladies started it. I don't have much to add, just that I really appreciate it.

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Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 8:38pm | IP Logged Quote Angie Mc

Natalia wrote:
Angie,
Have you read the Number 1 Ladies Detective Agency series of books? They are great fun, light reading. And if you can get them on tape it is even better. The reader is awesome.

Natalia


Thanks, for the recommendation, Natalia. The last adult fiction I read for myself was...let's see...it has been awhile...oh yes, it was In This House of Brede on the recommendation of Cay. I really need to do something about this:).

Love,


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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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