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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Dec 05 2007 at 5:36pm | IP Logged
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Last month I became overwhelmed to the point of tears. I felt vulnerable and out of control...like life was being thrown at me more quickly than I could catch it and throw it back...so I was getting pelted! I spent a week looking at our routine and found it to be fine. My "mother culture" had slipped a bit but not enough to explain my fatigue. We had a crisis (8yo's broken nose) but that didn't explain my burden. Finally I realized that I needed to give more attention to the "exceptions" to our routine. What I learned and have found helpful is here. I'm guessing that I'm not the only mom feeling maxed right about now  . Hope something here helps. I would also like to hear ways that you help yourself when exceptions try to rule.
BTW, these are the first photos I've posted at my tiny blog and yes, my dd posted them for me so I'm pretty sure I will never actually have to learn how to do this myself. I call this delegating.  .
And...Mary G., does the combination of bead and pipe cleaner count as a craft for this craft-impaired woman? 
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Mary G
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| Posted: Dec 05 2007 at 5:59pm | IP Logged
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Angie Mc wrote:
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And...Mary G., does the combination of bead and pipe cleaner count as a craft for this craft-impaired woman?
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I'm thinking this counts as a craft ... but you might want to get a vote on that!
I love the idea of showing the family where you are so they know what to expect ... I think my "flipping out" surprises my family members and hurts them, when I certainly don't mean to hurt them (but I've had so much going on .... y'know?)
Thanks for this subtle but obvious counter, Angie. I think it's a great idea.
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MaryG
3 boys (22, 12, 8)2 girls (20, 11)
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msclavel
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Wow, Angie that post was soooo good and described so very well how I've felt the past few months. I told my husband the other day that I didn't want to go anywhere in December. Completely unrealistic  , still, I want to stop feeling like I'm crossing things off on the chaos list. I know that even if I can't cancel everything, I need to let go of some things. Sadly, my dh is the one that usually bears the brunt of my exhaustion and gets the "leftovers". I want to be a whole wife to him.
Oh, I so got your post. I'll be praying for you. Please be gentle with yourself.
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KerryK
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Angie,
I really like how you've figured out such a concrete way of counting up all of the "exceptions". I think you're right, it really is important to know how much you can handle, and to communicate it to your family. Right now my life contains more exception than routine, so I was very grateful to read your thoughts on this!
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Natalia
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I like how you call the exceptions instead of interruptions. Somehow it sounds more positive. I love the idea of letting people know where you are before it is too late!
Natalia
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KC in TX
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Boy, Angie, I really needed to read this. I've been feeling like my whole life has been a routine of exceptions. It's probably not, but maybe I need to take a better look. I love the bead idea. I know that would really help my dh a lot. It's a very tangible, concrete way for him to see it's been a rough week. He can be out of the loop just by virtue of being at work and not have home all day.
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amyable
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I *love* this! I'm going to show it to my husband. I had never thought of quantitating it all before like this. My engineering minded dh will like it too. It will make sense to him where my whining and anxiety attacks do not! 
Do I get to quit and go to bed if all 20 beads are typically used up within two days? Or one?
I'm serious.  
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Lisbet
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I need one of those per day, not week!
I'm going to re-read this prayerfully over coffee this afternoon. Thanks Angie, you are really on to something there.
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stefoodie
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Angie, I read your post last night and a light just went on for me. You are one smart woman -- right there with Alice (I wanna be like you when I grow up ).
I'm passing it along to my dh and oldest dd; maybe we can come up with our own system (or copy yours). I have often wondered how to communicate more clearly when they "just don't understand" how certain things and events affect me in certain ways. I figured it was just me being shallow and not being able to offer everything up as I should -- not saying I shouldn't, but them knowing how a mom's brain and routine operate would go a long way towards more harmony here.
Thank you so much for thinking of this, and for writing such a clear explanation! I read MROL, loved it and learned a lot from it, but then sold it. Maybe I should get it again. Or maybe you should write SAMROL, Solid Applications for Mother's Rule of Life .
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Angel
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Angie, I really appreciated your post. (I followed Amy's link.) I'm wondering, though, what about the "typical" stuff that goes on every single day that saps your energy? (Or maybe this doesn't happen in other people's houses? I have to admit that I have no idea what "typical" really is.) For instance, I can count on my twins dumping stuff out on the floor, throwing the baskets, throwing blocks, climbing on furniture, and at least one of them refusing to go down for a nap unless I hold him down every single day, but all of this really wears me out! Then there's the predictable arguing between siblings, the difficulties caused my eldest's special needs, and my dd who often takes an hour to simply get dressed and get the laundry. I'm already over the edge and nothing "exceptional" has happened!
I'm going to show dh your post tonight. To be honest, I'm not sure if the beads would help or discourage me.
--Angela
Three Plus Two
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Dec 06 2007 at 9:09pm | IP Logged
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Mary G wrote:
I'm thinking this counts as a craft ... but you might want to get a vote on that!
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Thanks, Mary! I'll pass on the vote and quit while I'm ahead .
Thanks for your kind words, all. Thinking of having 20 beads a day made me think...Personally, I wouldn't be up to moving a ton of beads each day...it would discourage me . Besides, I'm not a detail gal and it would all feel too fussy to me. I do face many regular, expected, and on-going challenges each day from typical childhood behaviors to home education duds. For me, these types of things ARE all part of my routine, does that make sense? So I'm inclined to deal with them through an adjustment to my routine and expectations and attention to habit formation. Here's my current routine which might help this to make sense because without a humane routine that sets a family up for success, it will be hard to distinguish the exceptions.
Yesterday was my first *no bead* day since I started this  .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angel
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Angie,
Thank you for clarifying and for your post on routine. After thinking back over yesterday, I think it was still a 6 bead day. Today has been about 4. I think 4-6 is my normal. I'm not sure I can even imagine a no-bead day!!
You make a good point, though, talking about "a humane routine that sets a family up for success." I took two "beads" off today by altering the routine that had been working up until the last couple months. A little change in the routine makes a big difference. Sometimes I think part of my problem is that I tend to hang onto something that *used* to work or an ideal of how things *should* work, and that sets me up for a life of permanent "exceptions".
--Angela
Three Plus Two
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hereinantwerp
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Very interesting and thought provoking post on your blog--
To me it seems like so many of the "exceptions" are truly unavoidable--thus "normal"----??
It's taken me years to move from being very rigid (way too stressed over very small "exceptions"!), to maybe too laissez-faire. But it can seem hard, life CAN seem "out of control", to the point where one can expect little, attempt little, and kind of let things go, not even try very hard to keep a routine (revealing my fairly bad state at the moment!).
It seems for me I just need to take it day by day. When I get too far away from that I slip into STRESS. But it's Biblical in a sense--"each day has enough worries of its own." So I have to think in terms of, "What's the right thing for today?" I can start the day with all sorts of plans, and they are completely interrupted or frustrated by early afternoon. Other times I can have a focused, "high energy" day, the kids play well together, I accomplish a tremendous amount without having planned or expected to. But it is frustrating to me that this seems completely unpredictable! I guess I keep a bit of a "loose checklist" in my head (or occasionally a notebook if the head feels spinning and too full), of things that need done. The important ones do manage to get done eventually. Looking back I'm not always sure how.
I'm also kind of a creative/moody person, so I tend to work in "creative bursts" which are by nature unpredictable--it seems like when I have energy, I have it, and when I don't, it does little good to try to "push it" beyond the basics (like laundry & dinner). People are different this way, and some don't struggle--or get a "power boost"--from these up and down swings.
I like what you said about having to spread out planning big projects (like house projects, work on the air cond. I think was the eg.?). It can be hard for me to feel at rest with things "undone". I want it all finished, NOW. I think after our last move (and our first home purchase, an old home that needs tons of work), I'm finally realizing it never will all be done. As soon as it seems like it is, another thing will crop up. That is just the nature of life, and we have to figure out how to find peace in the middle of it, along the way. NOT that I am very good at it!!
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Angie Mc
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Angel wrote:
I think 4-6 is my normal. I'm not sure I can even imagine a no-bead day!!
... Sometimes I think part of my problem is that I tend to hang onto something that *used* to work or an ideal of how things *should* work, and that sets me up for a life of permanent "exceptions".
--Angela
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Thanks, Angela. Isn't it helpful to have a different way to look at our expectations of normal? Now I'm sure there have been times in my life when my normal daily bead count would be higher and maybe some day lower (wow!) but just knowing my current reality helps.
I also don't tend to pick up on the fact that something that worked at one time, has stopped working, sigh. I guess that's why life needs to scream at me a little louder from time to time in order to get my attention .
Speaking of number of beads, I sure hope I didn't discourage anyone if their bead count is 20+. If I was having a 20+ bead a day period of life, and I have had plenty, I just meant that I would probably switch to some other method of dealing with the many challenges. For example, I have relocated many times. Moving always brings chaos. So I have learned to totally loosen up my routine and flow with it. Counting beads under these circumstances wouldn't be helpful to me.
hereinantwerp wrote:
It seems for me I just need to take it day by day. When I get too far away from that I slip into STRESS. But it's Biblical in a sense--"each day has enough worries of its own." So I have to think in terms of, "What's the right thing for today?" I can start the day with all sorts of plans, and they are completely interrupted or frustrated by early afternoon. Other times I can have a focused, "high energy" day, the kids play well together, I accomplish a tremendous amount without having planned or expected to. But it is frustrating to me that this seems completely unpredictable!
I'm also kind of a creative/moody person, so I tend to work in "creative bursts" which are by nature unpredictable--it seems like when I have energy, I have it, and when I don't, it does little good to try to "push it" beyond the basics (like laundry & dinner). People are different this way, and some don't struggle--or get a "power boost"--from these up and down swings.
I'm finally realizing it never will all be done. As soon as it seems like it is, another thing will crop up. That is just the nature of life, and we have to figure out how to find peace in the middle of it, along the way. NOT that I am very good at it!!
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This is a very helpful post for me, Angela. Thank you! The routine that I currently have posted is the most predictable I've ever had and I LOVE it. Our family hasn't relocated (in almost 4 years,) our youngest is 2.5 (and I'd trade in all the predictablity for a baby  ), my dh hasn't deployed in over a year and has had the same job for 1 year, my oldest is over the freshman year hump (and is a fantastic cook and helper), I have established local friendships, and...well...it took a long time to get here and I would be simply ungrateful to not see this all as a lovely gift! You are right, it all ultimately comes down to taking things a day at a time and working with what you have.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: off our routine help / bead tally
