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cathochick
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I think that in order to be truly "radically Catholic" in this area, there needs to be a balance of focus on the husband's role as well as the wife's. The husband is called to love his wife as Christ loved the Church. I find it hard to imagine that Christ wouldn't desire to go the extra mile for a tired, overburdened bride.
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Jessica
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Elizabeth
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cathochick wrote:
| I think that in order to be truly "radically Catholic" in this area, there needs to be a balance of focus on the husband's role as well as the wife's. |
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Ideally, both spouses grow in the fulfillment of their vocations but I can't grow for my husband and I am not his Holy Spirit. My growth isn't dependent on his. I have to grow in my role regardless of whether he grows in his, though it is my earnest desire that he does because I want him to know the fullness of this vocation.
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| The husband is called to love his wife as Christ loved the Church. I find it hard to imagine that Christ wouldn't desire to go the extra mile for a tired, overburdened bride. |
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Perhaps, though, Christ desires more that the overburdened bride learn how to shoulder the yoke more easily herself. Perhaps the problem isn't that a Godly husband isn't going the extra mile. Maybe he is doing everything in his power to support her in her home with her children by doing his job outside the home. What she truly needs in order to become holier might not be that he take on her duties but that she is forced to re-examine WHY she is overburdened. And maybe the "why" isn't his fault at all.
I'm not saying that a husband shouldn't take a dishrag from his wife at the end of an especially long day. I'm not saying a footrub isn't in order sometimes. I'm just saying that our time is much better spent learning how to work out our own solutions and not pointing to our husband's failure to take up our dishrags. I think it's a snare of the devil to think that a wife aspiring to holiness can only get there if her husband does his part. We do have examples of women who were wives of tyrants and became canonized saints. The devil will be positively gleeful if we spend all our time looking at how he doesn't measure up and using it to excuse our own behavior. He is who he is; now who do we want become?
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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mary theresa
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I feel a bit timid about saying any thoughts, as I'm such a newbie at marriage -- only 2 years now -- and you all are so much wiser than I am! 
Also I apologize if I repeat what others have said!
LisaC wrote:
Hmm...I think...maybe...yes! Will your husband be upset if the dishes are left in the sink? Mine wouldn't. You are pregnant and tired, you need rest. My pregnancies are hard, I am sick and tired until I give birth, I definitely let some housework go...
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I see what you are saying, Lisa! Sometimes pregnancy seems to be about humility. The humility that you are not and cannot do everything that you want or need or hope to do. Resting sometimes is something I need to FORCE myself to do -- as *I* think *I* need to have a house or garden or life in a certain state of order.
The balance is hard to find though, btwn accepting the burden that you have and the limits that come with it, and making the burden, while real, TOO much of an excuse to slack off.
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Mary Theresa
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mary theresa
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cathochick wrote:
| I think that in order to be truly "radically Catholic" in this area, there needs to be a balance of focus on the husband's role as well as the wife's. The husband is called to love his wife as Christ loved the Church. I find it hard to imagine that Christ wouldn't desire to go the extra mile for a tired, overburdened bride. |
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I see what you are saying too, Jessica.
I believe that men are called to a very hard and high level of heroism in these days where they are forced to work outside their home (something pretty much universal now in a way that it was not in history before the Industrial age) -- full time job -- and still come home and be present to their wives and children -- another full time job. Being Christ is a hard thing. 
I know that -- speaking from my situation -- not needing my husband's help a good deal when he gets home from a hard day is a tall order. I only have one toddler, albeit a very active one but still, just one. I sometimes feel guilty that you all moms out there  can "do it" with so many more and I struggle with one and #2 still quiet and (relatively) maintenance free in the womb.
but then, everything that needs doing is my job. I have no help in accomplishing the daily tasks. I have no one to talk to. I need his ear and his attention and his help alot some days. And it is okay to ask for help, esp when your pride wants to muscle through and somehow prove that you are strong.
While it would be beneath us to use pregnancy as a manipulating crutch to ask for help, but truly I do think that the husband needs to rise to the extra task of helping his wife more when she is pregnant. I do know that without his willingness to do more for her, his "over burdened bride" , in this time can in some women cause resentment toward the child yet to be born and any future children.
Anyways, I've probably rambled on long enough. This thread is good food for thought indeed.
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Mary Theresa
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mary theresa
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Sorry about all my posts! I don't know how to multiple quote.
Kim, I wanted to say that your words about submission vs. resignation were really beautiful and wise. Thank you so much.
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Mary Theresa
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Kim F
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I wish I could visit here more. Just want to say it IS hard when you have only little ones. Truly it is. God supplies grace in unexpected ways and times though. Sometimes we focus so much on HOW it can be done when the truth is that without God's grace none of this can be done. My belief is that we should just pray to love it all. Pray to LOVE cleaning our homes, pray to love our dhs - just the way they are (stay with me ; )), pray for fortitude to stay sweet and care for our families.
And put your blinders on. Satan loves to distract us with others' faults but it just keeps us moving ever so slightly further away from our goals. I have seen too many women get off on tangents about their dhs spiritual or emotional progress. A number of them are divorced now. : ( Likewise there are women who seemed to be in a hopeless situation who now enjoy the undying devotion of those very same dhs.
This can be done. It can be done under lots of really undesirable circumstances. There are women reading this right now who are doing a marvelous job while experiencing all sorts of trials. That doesn't belitte any one woman's challenges. It is only meant to encourage anyone who may be tempted to despair and assume that we can't submit or that we must compel our dhs to do something for us.
Kim
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Elizabeth
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mary theresa wrote:
I know that -- speaking from my situation -- not needing my husband's help a good deal when he gets home from a hard day is a tall order. I only have one toddler, albeit a very active one but still, just one. I sometimes feel guilty that you all moms out there can "do it" with so many more and I struggle with one and #2 still quiet and (relatively) maintenance free in the womb.
but then, everything that needs doing is my job. I have no help in accomplishing the daily tasks. I have no one to talk to. I need his ear and his attention and his help alot some days. And it is okay to ask for help, esp when your pride wants to muscle through and somehow prove that you are strong.
While it would be beneath us to use pregnancy as a manipulating crutch to ask for help, but truly I do think that the husband needs to rise to the extra task of helping his wife more when she is pregnant. I do know that without his willingness to do more for her, his "over burdened bride" , in this time can in some women cause resentment toward the child yet to be born and any future children.
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But what if a woman's husband didn't rise to the occasion? What if she thought that she needed his ear and his attention and his help a lot, but he wasn't there? What if he were deployed? What if he were home and out of work and depressed and unwillingly to move himself into the family milieu? What if he were working long hours in the corporate world and wanting to come home to quiet and rest? Then what is a wife to do? She still is called to grow in holiness. She must learn to rely upon the grace of the Holy Spirit to fill those needs.
What Kim is saying is that there are women out there who have stumbled through decades of marriage relying almost solely on God to fulfill some of those needs and they have found that after a long time it does bear beautiful fruit in a marriage.Sadly, some women give for a lifetime and are never appreciated by their husbands, but we can trust that God saw and rewarded their patient, cheerful obedience to HIS will.
Sometimes, we are called to meet and accept our husbands where they are and still love them well, without expecting anything in return. It is not our right to be served. We cannot say that we will submit to our husbands IF they lay down their lives for us. This isn't a legal contract; it's a covenant of love. It is our duty to serve as if we are serving Christ Himself. And even where men fail, God does provide for our needs.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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msclavel
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I have enjoyed this thread very much.
Nothing I want to say about all this seems to come out right when I try to type. Its been a long week so far. I'll share one story.
Many of you know my parent's house caught fire this Sunday and will be unlivable for 6-7 months. My mother had chest pain from the stress and we didn't know for certain until Monday morning that her heart was completely healthy. My father called me to tell me and I have NEVER heard him so happy in his life. In fact, he told me that his job that day was easy because all he had to do was tell everyone good news. Good news! He still didn't know if half or all of everything in his home would be fixable, but he was full of glee with his good news. My mother never counted the cost of loving and caring for my father or her children. Because she knew that whatever "work" my father did or did not do (or was capable of doing)in the house was no measure of his love. Because in the end her healthy heart was all that mattered to him.
This is not to be preachy. I struggle so much. My husband works very long hours that leave him mentally and physically exhausted. He often simply cannot "rise to the occasion". But in the past year I have learned that when I start feeling that resentment, I know I am not relying on God's grace. And when I remember to turn to Him in prayer, and genuinely thank God for this wonderful man who cooperated with me to bring my beloved children into the world, the children I so eagerly longed for (even when I was a little girl), I stop counting the cost and learn how to love and serve. I will not be great missionary as I once dreamed of, but I have a mission. As much I was ready to see Christ in the poor, I must see Christ in my husband. None of this is easy, but surely the way Our Lord intends to get me to heaven.
(And now the guts to hit post...)
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mary theresa
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Elizabeth, what you are saying is so right and true and i am not disagreeing at all!
Ultimately it is only God that provides for our needs and husbands are not God and they can't be everything and do everything, just like we can't.
I guess I can't really speak to what a holy man would be challenged/expected by God to do in his hard roles as father, husband, provider etc.
I'm saying though that it's not out of line for a wife, (while indeed turning to God to help her and make her grow in holiness) to challenge the husband to do more, if that is what she and the family and he himself truly needs at that season of life.
As you said, we aren't ultimately the ones to MAKE our husband be holy and meet HIS challenges. If the husband is depressed or overwhelmed or exhausted or whatever, that obviously can change what his role can be at that time.
I'm saying it's okay to ask for help. And ask God mostly of course, but I'm sure He meant for us to ask our husbands as well -- how often or how much varying so greatly depending on individual situations or individual husbands, of course! If our husband can't or won't God will.
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Red Cardigan
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I'm having some difficulties understanding some of this.
I always thought that Christian marriage was a true partnership of people whose ultimate goal was to help each other get to heaven.
It seems like some here are saying that if one's husband were truly selfish and unconcerned about his wife's needs, then she just has to submit to his will in silence and pray for the strength to cope with it all.
Now, I could see that being necessary if other things had been tried first, and had failed. But should it be the first step?
Shouldn't we be able to communicate with our husbands openly, sharing our thoughts and feelings?
Shouldn't we be able to work out compromises whenever possible?
Shouldn't we see a difference between graceful submission and unappreciated servility?
Shouldn't we be concerned enough about our husbands' souls to challenge them to move beyond being selfish or demanding?
Shouldn't we be willing to consider counseling if necessary rather than indulging in silently tearful drudgery in a position that's more like that of an unpaid housekeeper/nanny/governess than a partner and wife?
In my own case, I'm blessed with a husband who truly does see marriage as a partnership, and with whom I am able to have good conversations that help us understand each other better, learning and growing in God's grace. The only times I've ever felt it necessary to submit to his will is after we've communicated with each other our different opinions, and then had to choose one of two opposing courses of action. At that point, if no compromise is possible, I'll let him decide the issue (and he's usually made the better decision, all things considered). But he's also very good about seeking my advice and opinion on things, and not making unilateral decisions that affect us both.
I guess I thought everyone viewed marriage as a partnership, in which the thoughts and feelings of both husband and wife were taken into consideration. Maybe I'm just misunderstanding what people have said here?
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Bridget
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Nope. A partnership is what you get when you form a corporation. A marriage is what you get when you die to yourselves in order to help each other get to heaven. It can be messy, frustrating and unfair. It is also joyful, fulfilling, exciting, and holy.
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MicheleQ
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Maybe I too am not reading this right but there's seems to be something missing. I don't want to upset anyone, but I am just not completely getting this.
Marriage is a sacrament that By its very nature it is ordered to the good of the couple (CCC 1660).
In many ways a wife's spiritual growth IS dependent on her husband and his on her. Not because they see one another as each other's god but because God Himself designed it that way.
"The sacrament of Matrimony signifies the union of Christ and the Church. It gives spouses the grace to love each other with the love with which Christ has loved his Church; the grace of the sacrament thus perfects the human love of the spouses, strengthens their indissoluble unity, and sanctifies them on the way to eternal life (cf. Council of Trent: DS 1799)" CCC 1660
No, it doesn't always happen that way but the point is it SHOULD and when it doesn't there IS harm done. Not just to the spouse but to the children as well. Harm, real and tangible and harm, real and intangible.
Can bad things be turned around? Yes! Can God work good out of a bad situation? Yes! But let us be careful that we aren't saying that should a man fail to do his part it ultimately doesn't matter because God will provide.
While it is true that all things work for good and that God DOES provide for our need, in the end it's our eternal good that He works towards and not necessarily our immediate one. We DO suffer for our bad choices and those of others around us. And our children suffer sometimes A LOT.
Suffering CAN be salvific but it can also cause damage. And sadly oftentimes even the best attitude in the world of a woman towards her husband doesn't make up for what is clearly a lack and something a child suffers for. Example means a lot on BOTH ends.
I'm not an expert but my dh and I have discussed this issue a lot. We both came from very bad backgrounds family wise. On one hand it has shown us what we don't want, on the other hand there are a lot of learned behaviors that still affect how we parent. It's painful and I know my children have to some degree suffered for it.
Well I kind of went off track but I hope I didn't upset anyone.
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Michele Quigley
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mary theresa
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MicheleQ wrote:
Can bad things be turned around? Yes! Can God work good out of a bad situation? Yes! But let us be careful that we aren't saying that should a man fail to do his part it ultimately doesn't matter because God will provide.
While it is true that all things work for good and that God DOES provide for our need, in the end it's our eternal good that He works towards and not necessarily our immediate one. We DO suffer for our bad choices and those of others around us. And our children suffer sometimes A LOT.
Suffering CAN be salvific but it can also cause damage. And sadly oftentimes even the best attitude in the world of a woman towards her husband doesn't make up for what is clearly a lack and something a child suffers for.
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Oh, thank you, thank you Michelle and Red Cardigan for writing your thoughts!
I was wondering if I was the only one thinking such thoughts. I was also wondering if I was just young and "newly married" and unrealistically hoping for too much in my husband and our relationship.
Thank you both for so clearly and confidently voicing many of the thoughts in my own head that I didn't know how to express! I'm glad to know I'm not alone in those thoughts.
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Mary Theresa
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Red Cardigan
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Mary Theresa, I decided to blog about this today on my blog, especially because I found this wonderful homily from a priest who spoke at EWTN:
Fr. Soeherman's Homily
I encourage everyone to read this homily; I found the answers to most of my questions there!
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Anonymous
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Red wrote:
| Shouldn't we be able to communicate with our husbands openly, sharing our thoughts and feelings? |
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Red, I think you raise some great questions. Yes, I think ideally we should be able to communicate with our husbands about our thoughts and feelings. Early in my marriage I so hoped to have conversations each day with my husband and communicate openly. I soon realized that he was not as interested in my thoughts and feelings as I was in sharing them. Though that is not ideal, that is the way things are and they are not changing very quickly. He is not a cruel man or even an insensitive one, but our needs for communication simply are not the same.
Red wrote:
| Shouldn't we see a difference between graceful submission and unappreciated servility? |
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It is hard when we are not appreciated for what we do but the reality is that there are many marriages where this is the case, where the husband, sadly, is not very grateful. Yet then, we must still perservere in loving and doing our work for the glory of God alone, not give up because we are not appreciated. Christ was the greatest example of servitude without counting the costs or expecting gratitude. We can look to Him as an example when we are misunderstood or unappreciated.
Red wrote:
| Shouldn't we be concerned enough about our husbands' souls to challenge them to move beyond being selfish or demanding? |
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I think the best way we can try to encourage them to be less selfish by our example. When I used to try to talk with my husband about how selfish I thought he was being, my words fell on deaf ears. Sometimes it is only by our lifelong example that our husband will see the love of God. It is always my hope that my husband will begin to think outside of his own sphere. If he never does, I will perservere nonetheless.
Red wrote:
| Shouldn't we be willing to consider counseling if necessary rather than indulging in silently tearful drudgery in a position that's more like that of an unpaid housekeeper/nanny/governess than a partner and wife? |
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My husband has refused to attend counseling: financial, marital or personal. Does this mean that I should give up on my marriage or stop doing that which is my responsibility? No, not at all. There was a time that I was feeling as though my job was just as you described, silent, tearful and full of drudgery. After many years, I realized that I cannot change him. I am not his Holy Spirit. Though I wish he were more helpful and more appreciative, he is not so I will find my happiness in God and continue loving anyway.
My husband does not help with any housework. Not only does he not help with my household jobs like laundry, dishes or bathing the children but he does not do any jobs that are traditionally a man's role like taking out the trash or mowing the lawn. He does not pick up after himself. He leaves his towel and dirty laundry on the floor. Every single day he leaves his brush on the counter and his whiskers in the sink. I used to ask and ask him to clean them up and he did that day but forgot the next. I grew tired of asking. I used to feel very resentful and angry about all of it. Why couldn't he at least clean up after himself? Can't he make the bed when he is last out of it? I fought it all for ten years until it almost destroyed all the love in my marriage. He is not chauvenistic or tyrannical. He simply does not think about it. I can leave reminder notes and ask until I am blue in the face but he does not get it. He does not compliment a meal or say thank you for any of the work I do. When I have spoken to him about it, he is horribly offended. Not in a rude way but as though he can't imagine doing any more to help me. In his mind, he is doing all he can just to get up and go to work each day.
Then, one day, a few years ago, it HIT me. I was not working only for him. I was working for God who saw all that I did in love. I did not promise to be a good wife only when I had sufficient help or when I received thanks. I made a promise to God and to my husband when I got married that I would love him, regardless of whether I received anything in return. Though I was angry and frustrated with my husband, I began to pretend he was Christ. Could I smile at Christ in my husband each morning? Could I serve him cheerfully and offer him a kind word?
He still does not help around the house but I am at peace with that now. It took many years for me to understand that my desire for help and gratitude are normal but certainly should not dictate how much work I do. If my husband never lifts a broom or washes a load of laundry, I will still perservere in love. Yes, it would be wonderful if my husband were a faithful Catholic who attended Mass each week, lead the family in a Rosary every evening and helped with the chores and little ones but he is not. There is nothing I can do about it but to be a good example of cheerful service to others and faithfulness to God. I hope that my sacrifice and example might somehow bring him closer to Christ.
It is hard work to keep a home. It is hard to work and to love when we are tired or pregnant. It certainly can be lonely when we do not feel appreciated or are tired/bored with the tasks at hand. They still need to be done anyway. When we offer our day to God, we do all the work for Him and for His greater glory.
So, yes, it is nice if a husband helps out but it certainly is not necessary and should not be expected. If you have a husband who is happy to help, thank God for him. If you do not, thank Him anyway.
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Red Cardigan
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Anonymous, your situation is a heavy cross indeed, and I will pray for you.
That said, I think your situation illustrates something I was trying to get at earlier: that the time for submission is when all else has been tried, to no avail. You have tried everything, from what you wrote. But especially in a marriage where both husband and wife are practicing Catholics I think submission should come after other things have been tried, not at the first sign of any conflict.
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Kim F
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But let us be careful that we aren't saying that should a man fail to do his part it ultimately doesn't matter because God will provide.
>>
We aren't saying it doesn't matter. We are saying that its unlikely that a woman insisting he do his part will be fruitful. In fact a cheerful giver is a an excellent motivator and a model to her dh. There is a fine line between admonishing and nagging and most women end up on the wrong side of it. : / We can win the battle and lose the war. The opposite is true as well.
Just saying what is the most likely result from "wagging a dishtowel" at a man? Or from advising him spiritually? I have never seen a man thank a woman for it. I have seen men step up admirably over time however when gently loved, versus counseled, for many years.
Don't get the wrong impression. This doesnt mean grudging acceptance of abuse. We are talking about joy, even joy when we don't get our way. I suspect too that God allows our husbands wills to be out of sync with ours at times to give us the opportunity to perfect ourselves in the very same manner the saints did. I have never seen in a saints bio that they were praised for insisting on their rights but rather for modeling excellence themselves.
Kim
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lapazfarm
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Anonymous wrote:
So, yes, it is nice if a husband helps out but it certainly is not necessary and should not be expected. If you have a husband who is happy to help, thank God for him. If you do not, thank Him anyway.
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After that one I had to jump in here.
Sorry, Anonymous, but I couldn't disagree more. It certainly SHOULD be expected. I do thank God I have a husband who is happy to help. If I didn't I would do everything I could to get him to see that he should. And I wouldn't let up until I got it. Nagging? It is NOT nagging to demand to be treated with respect. I deserve better than to be treated as a doormat by some slob who cannot be bothered to pick up after himself. That is not showing love, that is showing pure disrespect and contempt for me and all I do. I really dislike it when women are told they need to put up with emotionally abusive, lazy husbands using "submission" as an excuse. That is not what submission is meant to be about.
That said, I am truly glad you have been able to find peace with your difficult situation. But I don't think it is a situation that other wives should be expected to deal with in the same manner. God bless you, dear.
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nutmeg
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Joined: Feb 06 2007
Location: Texas
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Posts: 24
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| Posted: Aug 02 2007 at 6:36am | IP Logged
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Late to the party, but I wanted to add yet another awesome book on this topic:
Counsels of Perfection for Christian Mothers by Monsignor P. Lejeune.
It's an oldie, but a goodie. He writes with such tenderness, like a grandfather... I loved it.
Lapaz, I wholeheartedly agree with you. Thank you for saying that.
Anon, I will add you to my prayer intentions. What a heavy cross...
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Anonymous
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Joined: Jan 21 2006
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Posts: 147
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| Posted: Aug 02 2007 at 8:06am | IP Logged
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Moderator note: The moderators have the ability to take someone's post and--at their request--to post it anonymously. In this case, two women have asked me to do that in order to protect the privacy of their husbands. The tricky thing is, we only have one user name for anonymous posts. So, what follows is by a DIFFERENT anonymous user than the first Anonymous post. We'll call her "Anonymous 2" and say a little prayer I can keep this straight;-)
lapazfarm wrote:
Sorry, Anonymous, but I couldn't disagree more. It certainly SHOULD be expected. I do thank God I have a husband who is happy to help. If I didn't I would do everything I could to get him to see that he should. And I wouldn't let up until I got it. Nagging? It is NOT nagging to demand to be treated with respect. I deserve better than to be treated as a doormat by some slob who cannot be bothered to pick up after himself. That is not showing love, that is showing pure disrespect and contempt for me and all I do. I really dislike it when women are told they need to put up with emotionally abusive, lazy husbands using "submission" as an excuse. That is not what submission is meant to be about. |
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I think that this is quite a leap of judgment about someone else's marriage. And I'm not at all sure it's good advice. I think Anonymous has another cross here: the cross of women saying that it's her fault for not demanding good behavior of her husband.
Several years ago, my husband behaved the way that is being described above. He was working a series of decent but unstable jobs, often two at a time. He was always worried about the instability of his work. We had five little ones in eight years and I was a bit harried in taking care of them and the house and our new home education adventure. Despite the fact that I thought I was doing a good job given the circumstances, now I see that my husband's "needs" or maybe his "wants" were not foremost in my mind.
He was very tired and very grumpy. He rarely helped out with the day to day care of home or children but the tendency towards chaos irritated him. I thought he was being demanding and perfectionistic. People told me to respond the way Theresa advises above. But my priest said otherwise. He told me that to demand respect is fruitless. Respect isn't ever demanded; it is earned. True, one gets married thinking one has her husband's respect and she probably does. Probably, this priest counseled, this wasn't about a lack of respect at all. Instead, he thought it immaturity and depression. To demand one more thing would likely be more than he could bear. He said to be good and kind. To ensure that the children treat him with respect no matter what and that I always talk about him with respect--everywhere. He did though, advise me to take counsel of an older woman who had a similar difficult husband. He said she'd understand and it would be good for me to have a a safe place--not to bash but to be encouraged in my own growth.
That woman counseled me to appreciate every rare and little thing he did. And to pray for the grace to appreciate it with my whole heart.She said if I couldn't find joy in my life to look harder. It's hard to explain it really, but she showed me how to change my perspective and to see that my husaband needed my goodness. And then she said to trust that God would grant me the graces I needed. I only had to look at my children to truly believe that it was God's will that I had married this man. I would think about how in love i'd been when we got married and how much he'd changed and I would see that life was really crushing him. That might sound simplistic but it was true. And so I knew that God wanted me to grow in holiness in this situation. The priest pointed out that we can be an occasion of sin to someone else if we provoke that person to anger. My husband didn't need a contentious wife dripping on. He needed a content woman who believed that we would both grow in holiness together and acted that way.
Then, one night he fell apart. He told me how discouraging it was that he was working all the time to care for me and the children but we had little regard for the things he was providing because we left messes everywhere. He said he was so overwhelmed by how much there was to do and how long the climb ahead looked that he was paralyzed. It was a horrible night and I realized that even though I thought I was totally devoted, I wasn't. Something was still being held back. When I saw not his failing but his pain, our entire marriage changed. Instead of telling the children to get things cleaned up so "Daddy won't be mad" I began to tell them to take care of things because Daddy has worked so hard for them and it honored him to care for them. I really can't explain the complete change in perception and I think it was a gift of the Holy Spirit and the prayers of some good women who had similar lives.
That was nearly ten years ago. My husband has mellowed. I think they do that after forty often. We talked about this thread last night (something I couldn't have imagined years ago). He acknowledges that he was (and sometimes still is) a difficult husband. He also acknowledges the blessing I am in his life and he's grateful for my confidence in him. He read Theresa's quote and said emphatically that if I'd acted the way she advised, he would have felt unappreciated and unloved and that "demanding" would have driven him further away. He never would have abandoned us. He is a man of honor who knows his duty. He just would have gone further into his hole of emotional despair.
I think it's the grace of God that led me to good counsel and I thank Him every day for seeing us through in sickness and health, good times and bad.
I am so praying for you, Anonymous!
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Are there Catholic books on wife's role?
