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SuzanneG
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| Posted: Sept 22 2009 at 11:11am | IP Logged
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Starting a new thread, stemming from this one: Arguing Siblings, where we started talking about CONSEQUENCES.
Brainstorm with us! Please list any and all consequences that you have used or even just read or heard about. They can be ANYTHING! Sometimes we just need a huge arsenal to pick and chose from. Certain things work in some situations, not in others.....with some families/kids/parents, and not others.
Don't feel like anything is too small or insignificant!
Here are a couple things from the other thread:
mimip wrote:
For example, what is going to really effect them. For my children it was alone time in their rooms. They really don't like to be alone while the whole house is bustling with excitement. The other major one was sitting at park. We would get to the park and they would sit for a predestined amount of time and watch the other children play. (Then they were able to play but oh, how they hated to sit there and have to explain to their friends they could not play)
Another major one is not getting to join in on the night reading time. This one is used very sparingly but when the girls started to argue about space they last their night reading time. They continued the next evening and lost it again. On the 3rd night they figured out their "assigned" seating spots and were able to listen to story time! |
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JodieLyn wrote:
I also found that at least for some of mine, sending them to their room didn't work because they would self-talk themselves into believing they were a victim and miss that they were responsible for their behavior.
That's when I went to standing facing the wall next to me when I needed them to be seperated from everyone. I could make sure they stayed on track for correction rather than talking themselves into being victims. |
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There are many variations to the "time out" concept,what Jodie talked about above.....who else has some more of these??
MONEY
We give an allowance, so they learn about money, but also so we can "take it away"  .
::We take a quarter away for every chore that isn't done or done well during morning and evening chores. We explain that if they don't do their chores, then someone has to....and hiring a "maid" costs money.
::If they break or lose something they need to replace it with their money.
WRITING
Dr. Ray uses this. For older kids. Writing sentences or copying the phone book or dictionary. 
more later.......
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Suzanne in ID
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KackyK
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When there is a clear fight between two (or more) parties and there is no clear first offender then I always have them do a "cooperative punishment". I give them a large chore that takes two people and it is kind of isolating.
For instance, sending them outside to clean the van is very good for this. If by some miracle it is already cleaned (ha!) then they are given some room, usually our work/play room which is always torn up by the toddler, to clean up and vacuum. They amazingly don't really continue to fight. And if the job is long enough they end up chatting about something.
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stellamaris
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Well, this is probably way out there  , but when my older boys would fight (it was worse with those first two for some reason) I told them to take it outside. I waited to do this until they were pretty fairly matched physically, so one couldn't bully the other. I did not intervene other than to make sure nobody did anything too dangerous (i.e., I make them drop the sticks!). I told them if they were old enough to choose to fight, they were old enough to work it out themselves. Since I had always stepped in in the past, they were pretty shocked! But, they did go outside and in fact did not actually fight because, after circling around one another, they decided that wasn't a good idea. Seemed like when I took away the "reward" of having me intervene (because someone always was the "victor" with Mom on his side or, at the very least, they each got attention) and allowed the natural consequence of "he who lives by the sword, dies by the sword" to fall, the squabbling was significantly lessened.
Also, whenever I noticed an increase in conflicts between the children, I 1)severely limited TV viewing and 2)spent extra time doing fun or interesting (positive) activities with them. Both of those tactics seemed to work consistently.
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Caroline
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St. Ann
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I got "sister servant" from Dr. Ray. If one girl is rude or cruel to a sister I just have to say "sister servant" 30minutes or 2 hours or or or....The "rude" girl has to do what the victimized sister requests for the given time period. Oh, when they hear me say "sister servant" they sober up real fast!
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mary theresa
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Are you looking for consequences about fighting/arguing specifically?
I am really interested in this thread because sometimes trying to think of a logical or natural consequence for something is REALLY hard when you are in the moment . . . I am not too creative then.
I have some that I use, but my oldest is only 3.5 years old, so they are kind of simple and silly ones. Pardon a new-ish mothers amateur contributions. 
STANDING UP WHILE EATING/BAD TABLE MANNERS -- food gets taken away I say "when you stand up that tells me that you are all done!"
TRYING TO UNBUCKLE SELF FROM CARSEAT WHILE DRIVING -- I reach back and hold one hand really tight and hard as long as necessary, saying that "I have to keep you safe"
COMING OUT OF THE ROOM AFTER BEDTIME -- I put up the baby gate
SNEAKING/TAKING DESSERT BEFORE DINNER -- no dessert after dinner
DISOBEYING WHILE OUT IN THE YARD -- go inside by yourself while we stay out here
(being "by yourself" is a BIG deal to my 3 yo )
I use the phrase "you lost your chance" alot. Taking too long at something, pitching a fit about something results in "losing your chance" to do the other fun thing that you wanted. This phrase helps me make her understand that it WAS completely under her own control and SHE lost the opportunity based on her own actions.
I would love to hear what others do for disrespectful backtalk, yelling at mom/dad, stomping feet at them, etc. We have just got into a really bad stage with my daughter about this and I would like some ideas of non-spanking consquences for disrespect.
And Stephanie -- growing up, I had to do "sister servant" type things for my siblings when I was unkind or whatever. It was NOT fun.
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Mary Theresa
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amarytbc
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-Those who slam doors in anger (usually young teen girls) lose their bedroom door for a few weeks
-fighting siblings sit across from each other at a table and can't leave until they give each other permission (never tried this, but it worked for a friend)
-fighting siblings have to hold hands for a certain amount of time (worked for us and was very funny)
-failure to do a chore results in an extra chore for the day
-rudeness in teens-write an essay explaining why people are rude and what the remedy is for rudeness.
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stellamaris
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Suddenly the neurons fired and I remembered this thread from a while back about consequences. It also has a link to a fun and helpful thread on Poetic Gems for Training. Some of these are just great and very effective!
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Caroline
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SuzanneG
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mary theresa wrote:
| Are you looking for consequences about fighting/arguing specifically? |
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No, not nec. Just anything for any reason!
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Mackfam
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St. Ann wrote:
| I got "sister servant" from Dr. Ray. If one girl is rude or cruel to a sister I just have to say "sister servant" 30minutes or 2 hours or or or....The "rude" girl has to do what the victimized sister requests for the given time period. Oh, when they hear me say "sister servant" they sober up real fast! |
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I use this all the time too, Stephanie!
These are the few I can think of, but I really tailor punishments to the situation and try to make them logical - kind of like thinking of the vice and finding the opposite virtue to practice
** ARGUING/ABUSE OF KINDNESS -- USE KIND WORDS OR SERVE THE ONE YOU UN-NERVE
** WHINING/ABUSE OF VERBAL LANGUAGE -- SILENCE
** FIGHTING/ABUSE OF THE GIFT OF SIBLINGS -- ISOLATION!!!
** ABUSE OF PERSONAL PROPERTY -- JOBS ARE ASSIGNED TO EARN MONEY. NO PRIVILEGES OR PLAY TIME IS ALLOWED UNTIL A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF WORK TIME HAS BEEN COMPLETED EACH DAY.
** TALKING BACK -- PARK YOURSELF ON THE BLACK BENCH UNTIL YOU'RE ABLE TO COOPERATE
** YOU'RE MEAN -- YOU CLEAN!
Do you all know that commercial with Carnival Cruise Lines...with the guy talking about the waterslide??? I use his phrase from that commercial all the time around here because invariably I have someone who feels they are being treated unjustly...
...BUCKLE UP, BUTTERCUP!!!!
Great thread!!!
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sewcrazy
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SuzanneG wrote:
WRITING
Dr. Ray uses this. For older kids. Writing sentences or copying the phone book or dictionary. |
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I use the book Proverbs for Parenting for this consequence. The book is organized by "issue"
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LeeAnn
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Stephanie_Q
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When toys aren't put away - I put them away in the toy box under my bed. They can do an "extra" chore to make up for the work they didn't do when they were supposed to and earn the toy back that way. Once a month I go through it and get rid of some things they haven't missed...
If they fight over a toy - it goes in another box under my bed and they have to do something extra nice for a sibling to earn it back. People are more important than things!
If they complain about supper - they go to bed early without any. (They've learned to pick out and set aside anything they don't like and eat the rest...BUT if they don't eat it all, they don't get dessert, which is usually a simple piece of candy or pop ice - maybe a cookie...)
Like Jennifer, whining or yelling or using mean words = silence ("time-out" on the stairs).
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Mackfam
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Stephanie_Q wrote:
| If they fight over a toy - it goes in another box under my bed and they have to do something extra nice for a sibling to earn it back. People are more important than things! |
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Ooh! Love this one!
I thought of another thing I try to do:
IF -- THEN statements.
I try to be clear up front...
IF...you don't help with the house tidy...
THEN...you won't be able to go outside for playtime with the other children this afternoon.
Don't make these statements long. They need to have a clear IF and a clear THEN. I always emphasize these words when I speak. You have to be careful not to offer a THEN that is unreasonable or you'll never be able to follow through and be consistent which will undermine your consequence.
It helps to have a pre-brainstormed list like this in your arsenal so you can think of a consequence on the fly.
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CrunchyMom
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Mackfam wrote:
| Don't make these statements long. They need to have a clear IF and a clear THEN. I always emphasize these words when I speak. You have to be careful not to offer a THEN that is unreasonable or you'll never be able to follow through and be consistent which will undermine your consequence. |
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You mean those winners like, "You won't get to eat dinner" or "You'll have to sit on the stairs until your dad gets home (in four hours)."
There is one that came out of my mouth a few weeks ago, and I can't recall it, but as soon as it did, I started begging God to just let them do it and not call my bluff!!!
Sitting on the stairs is our timeout consequence, and it works well since there are often stairs in any given place we might be visiting which makes it transferrable.
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Bethany
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Well Caroline, that previous thread was also a question of mine as is this one . I guess I must really have a problem with consequences  . What do you do when you have a child that refuses to do time-out and you have to practically drag her by the arm to sit her down?
I also have two that have moments when their asked to do something and they say no, when no isn't an option! I really need a saying and consequence for that one.
Please keep the suggestions coming.
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mary theresa
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Bethany wrote:
What do you do when you have a child that refuses to do time-out and you have to practically drag her by the arm to sit her down?
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Ha. I have this problem too. I drag her to her room and hold the door closed for three minutes. Meanwhile she is having an absolute FIT behind the door, such that she needs a longer timeout just because she's having such a tantrum. Somehow holding the door shut turns timeout into a power struggle instead of a simple consequence of inappropriate behavior.
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stellamaris
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Well, sometimes sadly it just IS a power struggle. For the younger ones, I think distraction can be an option. For the older ones who know what they are doing and have a little more impulse control, it can really be a huge commitment to enforce your consequence, especially with the more strong-willed child. I did what Mary Theresa does...held the door shut for a few minutes. When they were a little older, maybe 5 and up, I wouldn't start the "timer" until they stopped screaming. Another option is to just keep putting them back in that chair until they finally get the idea that they are not going anywhere until they actually DO the time-out (or whatever).
If you know you have a child that is going to be this challenging, I'd try other discipline options first before I engaged in a head-on battle. But if you get into that battle, it is important that they understand that your word is the law and they do have to obey. The hard part is to be firm, but not angry or harsh.
I think you can pretty much expect any child to occasionally so "NO" to a request! Best advice here-don't ask! TELL them what you expect, don't ask them if "no" isn't an option. You are deceiving them by appearing to be giving them a choice when there isn't one. Also, my great problem , don't add "OK?" to the end of a statement, as in "Brush your teeth, OK?". Just say, "Brush your teeth,please." and leave it there.
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Bridget
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Mackfam wrote:
** YOU'RE MEAN -- YOU CLEAN!
...BUCKLE UP, BUTTERCUP!!!!
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Love it!
Honestly, I am pretty lax about consequences, but we do a lot of 'do overs'. If you stomp out of the room and slam a door, you come back and do it the right way. If you shout at someone, you lower your voice and try again. I guess that is a deterrent itself since they hate 'do overs'. But my main focus is to change the habit and direction the behavior is headed in.
On days when they are just picking at each other endlessly, I set them to work or send them outside. If they are enjoying bickering so much at least do it outside where I don't have to hear it. It always ends then.
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PDyer
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A variation on Jennifer's theme:
You may go out to play AS SOON AS the clutter basket is empty.
You may have a break AS SOON AS your math is done.
We also do do-overs and try to focus on teaching what to do differently next time.
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stellamaris
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Bridget's post reminded me of one tactic we use here: PRACTICE! For example, if you slam the door, you must need PRACTICE in closing it quietly, so the child has to quietly close the door 10 times. This can get silly, and usually they start to laugh at the ridiculousness of it, but it gets the point across. We have also had *practice* sessions of knocking, say "please", putting shoes in the shoe bucket. You get the idea!
I want someone to tell me I need to practice napping today ! If only!
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Caroline
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ALmom
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Here are some of ours from over the years:
For whining/meltdowns/bad behavior that gentle distraction does not help at all - "Oh my, I cannot think of any reason you would be acting like this unless you just were too tired. You must need a nap." This is accompanied with all the body language of calm, matter of fact but firm and a sense of I'm not being a good mom unless I make sure you get your sleep all done while gently ushering offender to bed and tucking them in with a "I'll be back to check on you in x minutes". Ivariably the offender either slept or decompressed enough to ask what they needed nicely. I almost always followed this up with a small snack as that is the other main cause of meltdowns. If it was attention getting - I was nearby but not giving them anymore attention than usual.
For toys left out - we've always had the claim box. I either store these, give them away or throw them away as I see fit. Obviously, if it is a real treasure they would miss, I let them prove to me that they can keep up with this by doing a good job for a while and then bringing it back out for them. (This worked until school age and they asked if they could leave their math book on the floor and would I claim it and please chunk it  . Now I do more of the it gets stored by me or I allow them to earn it back.
Failure to do chores, means they need to help extra to compensate.
Squabbling and Fighting were opportunities to learn to communicate so I almost never sent them to their room or into complete timeout for this - unless I also had a meltdown going on which required brief seperation for cooling off. I could never let the culprits duke it out because of differences in age and gender. I sat each party involved on a different chair in the same room. I told them that obviously they were both unhappy or mad or and felt something was unjust. Obviously there was some misunderstanding, since we love each other. I asked one at a time for them to tell me what they did (I would check them if they started telling me what their sibling did. At this point I was only asking what they themselves did. I just wanted information. As all the pieces would come out, I would model how to work through the problem by suggesting things to say and ask to resolve the issue. If one child told me they hit someone - we would address the wrongness of that but also obviously they were pretty mad if they hit someone. Usually the way it came out was someone was jumping to conclusions and assuming ill intent on the part of another and it escalated. We modeled how to address things even when your original feeling is anger. I was generally dealing with an older (7 - 10 yo) child and a toddler so it was important to teach the children to consider the feelings of the other and to express what they did or didn't like in words. As I modeled it enough asking them what I thought they were saying about how they felt and translating that into something they could say - then it got handed over more and more to them - but each sitting in the same room but on a different chair. They had to work it out until all parties were happy and then report to me. They really did work things out - even the 10 and 3 yo. I would confirm with each child individually that they were perfectly happy with the arrangement - and that they both had strategies on how to handle this same thing if it came up again. If a toy was involved, I held the toy until they had a solution. I would guide the process if it got into the circular thing {"you did... no, you did").
The kids, now that they are older, still talk about the working it out on the couch thing.
Janet
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Consequences - Brainstorm w/us!
