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Stephanie_Q
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| Posted: July 20 2009 at 11:19am | IP Logged
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I'm just wondering how much time all the dads spend with their kids and in what capacity. My kids are 7 and under. My husband got a promotion earlier this summer  and has progressively been working later than we're used to. We're now looking at a weekly schedule in which he goes to work before the kids get up and gets home for dinner (6:30) followed by story time & prayer time as a family, then he goes out to do chores / work on the 'project of the week' while I get the kids ready for / in bed at 7:30-8:00PM. He is busy all day Saturday, but is usually around. We try to keep Sunday as a family day...but there is "so much to do" that he usually ends up attending to an "emergency" or working on something for part of the day.
He is struggling, in particular, because he is used to having a lot more free time in which to work on projects both for ourselves and to help others with their projects. He is really handy and has a hard time telling someone no - I don't have time to help you with that. He wants to keep an evening a week or Saturday each month available to help others. He also realized this weekend that while he enjoys fishing and hunting - the weekend trips need to wait until the kids are older and they can participate or need to be a small part of a family vacation and involves at least some of the kids. 
So, will more time with dad come as the kids get older and can work and play with him on the weekends and is 1 hour a day in the evenings, well spent, pretty typical?
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Stephanie dh 6.01
dd 6.02, dd 8.03, ds 3.05, ds 12.06 at Catholic school.
dd 12.09 at home.
Baby boy due 10.13
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: July 20 2009 at 3:34pm | IP Logged
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I have some thoughts, Stephanie....be back later tonight! (hopefully  )
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Suzanne in ID
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Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: July 21 2009 at 9:40am | IP Logged
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Stephanie~ This is such a great thing to consider and think about. My husband travels quite a bit, so it's something near and dear to my heart.
Here are a few things that have been working for us lately:
**When dh is in town, for the most part, dinner through bedtime, so about 5:30-8:00....he is with us/them. Sometimes, he says, "I really need to get X done after dinner." And that's fine....but it's the exception. He goes to the gym, works on projects, gets ready for work the next day, rests....after they are in bed. Him-doing-bedtime is also sometimes my "cushion"......for quick things to get done, catch-up, leave, quick errand, phone calls, etc.....I start my night routine or leave for a breather. Would your husband want to do bedtime routine with (or without :) you? And, the projects can wait until after they are in bed? Unless it's urgent, of course.
On the weekend, on Saturday......my kids "shadow" dad. We use this as one-on-one time, rotating kiddos, so they each have some time with him. In the summer, the kids are outside either playing or helping him. If he has a job that is dangerous or he needs to think and not be interupted, then he tells me and we come up with a game plan for the day....rotating, switching, or I just know I'm on my own and I get outta dodge! But, again...the assumption is they are with him/me hanging out and working WITH him/me, unless one of us says otherwise.
**During the weekend, he also tries to sit with each kid, somewhere quiet and uninterrupted, for about 10 minutes or so, and just talk.
**On the weekends, he does projects/jobs, but usually stops every hour or so, to do something fun....15 min bike ride, tag, run, board game, etc....then back to the project.
**We sit down about twice a year and prioritize our house projects. We have a master-list that we work off of...."in a perfect world we would do *this* in each room." Every 6 months or so, we go through this list and BOLD the items that we will focus on for the next 6 months. Then talk about WHEN and get them on a schedule (the big projects). For the smaller stuff, we just make a list of the random things that can be done when a chunk of time is availalbe....this list goes on the fridge, and is a tool for weekend work-time. Obviously, there are many months where nothing gets done, which is fine......our focus is elsewhere or we are simply surviving.
**On Thursday, I always give my dh a little run-down of what the deal is for the weekend, and ask him if there is anything he *needs* to do. This helps us figure out the chunks of free time. I keep things flowing and keep the to-do list and schedule in progress. He appreciates this and does not look at it as a naggy-little-honey-do list. It helps us get things done within reason, and keep large chunks free for fun, activities and hanging out. It works for us for the most part. The important thing is to find a way to keep each other accountable, on-track, and talking about it.
**Balancing work and fun is the key. It's important that we have fun-time carved out. But, it's also important for kids to be working right along side mom or dad with projects and everyday things. Which is where every day chores and helping dad with work on the weekends is important. It's crucial that they WORK and see WORK. Life is not all about fun, it's not all about idleness and play....even when you're a kid, really (I'm talking about the 6+ crowd). They need jobs, they need to feel useful and helpful......and working along side dad is a really good thing!
**We do something kinda fun, where we "go out" a couple times a month; everyone.
**My dh takes the 4 older girls to Sam's Club for grocery shopping a couple times a month.
**He takes them to the zoo without me about 1/quarter.
Really.......our home improvement moves very slowly, as it's just not a priority right now. We know that this "young family" time is very intense and dad's presence is the priority....not a clean house, not projects, not hobbies, etc.....but we do make time for them if we are able.
This is also not forever.....you don't know what his schedule will be like in a few months, etc. All you need to do is deal with the "now." Most "nows" don't last forever.
As far as helping others with their projects.....this is all very individual, of course.....but can you come up with parameters for this? ie: if one of the kids can't come with and help, then we won't do it. Or, he'll always say, "Lemme check the calendar and I'll let you know." Then you discuss it together. Or discuss what is a reasonable number of times/hours/evenings per month ahead of time. My initial reaction (and this is simply an outsider's perspecitve, not knowing ALL the circumstances) is that this is a unique spot you're in right now.. family..lotsa littles with a dad working long hours.....protecting dad's time with the is the priority, not other's projects.....unless there's an emergency, of course. You could also look at it as showing the kids your spirit of service.......but if it gets out of control and Dad never sees the kids, then it needs to be re-evaluated.
Here are some Home Improvement Considerations that may be helpful during discussion with hubby:
::Are we setting a good example in taking care of our belongings? ....house, car, property, clothes, etc.
::Are we too concerned with material things to the detriment of time spent together as a family?
::Do we communicate about household projects?
::Do we have a realistic view of what we can accomplish with our young family?
::Do we take into consideration special circumstances (pregnancy, new baby, illness, move) to re-shift our focus?
::Have we prayerfully considered our workload as a parent, spouse, homeowner?
::Do we do things ourselves that we could afford to hire out during survival-mode?
::When we do a project, are we making the best use of our time?
::Do we think of creative ways to get things accomplished that don't interfere with kids' routines?
::Do we consider the kids' routines when planning a project?
::Are we not doing an important project because we are procrastinating or lazy?
::Are we prioritizing our projects when kids are young.....things that affect our family and quality of life right now?
::Do we finish projects that we start, or do things sit half-done for no reason?
::Do we involve the kids in our work and projects, so they see the value of work and a job well-done?
::Do we actively teach our kids home improvement and domestic skills so they can contribute to our household and eventually take care of their own home?
::Do I (wife) explain and praise Daddy's hard work with his job and in household maintenance and projects?
::Do we make projects fun and involve the whole family? (eating together "on-site" , playing music, or celebrating a finished project?)
Some things to consider about Dad's Time at Home With the Family :
::Have we considered how our time should be spent when Dad is home in the evening? on the weekends?
::Does this time reflect our values and priorities?
::Do I (husband) put my wife's wishes and children's interests ahead of my own?
::Do I (husband) allow work or hobbies to interfere with the time I should give my spouse and children?
::Do I (wife) praise Dad's hard work, especially when he's away?
::Do I (wife) give my husband a sufficient "heads-up" when a specific child needs more of Dad's time and attention?
::Do we carve out time for a child that is specifically struggling?
::As much as possible, do I leave my business or work worries outside the home?
::Is Dad open and attentive to kids' needs when he is "on"?
I have another thought about your kids working with dad in order to "be" with him more on the weekends.......remind me if I forget......
HTH,
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Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: July 21 2009 at 9:53am | IP Logged
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One other thought.. would your kids sleep later if they stayed up later? since he's gone before they get up anyway.. they could gain another 30-60 minutes in the evenings with him if you shifted your home schedule and their wake up times by a bit.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Stephanie_Q
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| Posted: July 21 2009 at 12:48pm | IP Logged
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Just "some" thoughts, Suzanne? You are awesome. Thank you so much. I am so glad that you took the time to comment. Your advice is always so helpful since our kids are close to the same ages. There are a lot of considerations you presented that we have discussed but need to revisit and others that have not come up before that we will be taking to prayer, as well.
I appreciate the reminder that this is not forever. Winter definitely slows him down (as long as we have plenty of seasoned firewood ready to burn...) and he has always been good at putting family first with a new baby and post-partum wife.
Jodie - I think your idea could work if the kids were working alongside us in the evenings...boys outside "helping" dad and girls in the kitchen learning how to work with mom.
We know the importance of keeping our marriage relationship strong as a priority - which has meant having at least a hour each evening together without the kids; but we have not done such a good job of making our kids a priority over our work because they've been so small and haven't been able to work alongside us. We're just in the habit / mindset of occupying the kids safely or getting them out of the way so that we can get our work done quickly...efficiently...as terrible as that sounds. 
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Stephaniedh 6.01
dd 6.02, dd 8.03, ds 3.05, ds 12.06 at Catholic school.
dd 12.09 at home.
Baby boy due 10.13
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: Aug 05 2009 at 1:12am | IP Logged
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Your kids are at a good age (6 & 7, right?) to start proactively teaching them how to help dad on projects....... sometimes being a little proactive can help in the long run and accelerate how much they can help at a younger age with more desire too. Here are some ideas:
**Working individually with 6 and 7 year old.
**Build it up...."Next weekend, Dad would like you to help him with the fence! You're going to be his helper....etc."
**Show how you plan a project and make the shopping list.
**Be specific about what is expected. Safety, Time, etc.
**Re-iterate Prompt obedience when daddy asks to do something.
**Make up some fun (and serious too) rules.
**Give "titles" to the different roles that they may play during a project.....ie: Gopher-Girl, Helper, Organizer, Moving-Man, Clean-up Dude-ette, Counter, Liner-upper, Matching Girl, Prep Lady, etc. And, then explain what that role does and doesn't do. One is never too young to learn about the Division of Labor!
**Make sure to have some "sit-time" at the end of a work-session. When they're done, clean up and then just sit and admire what you did, even if it's only the beginning. Great convo happens and it teaches lots of important aspects of "work".
**What does it mean when daddy says, "Quiet please"....explaining why it's imp. to be quiet to concentrate and think if you're going to be a helper.
These are just a few examples.. You're setting the child up for success, instead of a frustrated daddy with a child who doesn't want to help.
Don't forget about Picture Books.....there are probably lots.....but we love "We Help Daddy" here and it reinforces the above.
HTH,
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Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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teachingmyown
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| Posted: Aug 05 2009 at 11:14am | IP Logged
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Suzanne, I have to say that I am just in awe that someone really puts that much thought into life. You are amazing and inspiring. When I wonder why my life seems chaotic and less than I want for my family, and then I read your posts, I say "Well, no wonder". We are way too "relaxed", or perhaps I should say unfocused around here. Honestly, there is no plan. Lots of good intentions, but no real plan.
I am going to print off your posts and pray about them. Thank you.
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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Donna Marie
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| Posted: Aug 05 2009 at 11:57am | IP Logged
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I so needed to read this today...I am showing this to dh after we put the kiddoes to bed tonight.
You are so very thoughtful, Suzanne!
Thank you so much for sharing!
{{{{HUGS}}}}
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God love you!
Donna Marie from NJ
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Finding Elegant Simplicity
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JennGM
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Suzanne, your list is awesome. I would never be able to write it out like that, but we do similar things. Daddy comes home around 6:30. Dinner is on the table, and then it's time to be with the kids. The exceptions are there, but usually my sons are still with him when he has a project. Older ds can now be outside while lawncare is being done, for example.
And dh chooses to do bath time almost every night. It's rare that I give baths. He considers it a special time with the boys. We both juggle reading time, doing it differently. Sometimes we read with both boys together the younger picture books, then put the baby to bed and then a chapter book for older ds. Or each of us will read separately with our sons. It all depends.
And then the home projects and winding down time is after the kids are in bed.
The big projects we've had to parcel into smaller pieces to get them done. It can be frustrating that it's not done in a timely manner, but Daddy time is so important.
Unless something is high priority for me, we reserve the weekend for Dad's projects. We make it family time together, running errands and everything.
And our boys do more than shadow Daddy; it's more like attached at the hip and he can't sneeze without them there. 
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Jennifer G. Miller
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Mackfam
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| Posted: June 06 2013 at 8:28am | IP Logged
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Bump! 
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Jen Mackintosh
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Wildflowers and Marbles
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Stephanie_Q
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| Posted: June 06 2013 at 10:16am | IP Logged
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Thanks for the bump. Your timing was perfect!
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Stephaniedh 6.01
dd 6.02, dd 8.03, ds 3.05, ds 12.06 at Catholic school.
dd 12.09 at home.
Baby boy due 10.13
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Rebeccca
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AMDG
Are we supposed to add to these or just enjoy?
To add . . . my daughter helps with projects and always has. Just as she helps me in the kitchen even when she was too young to do much more than hand over an ingredient or smell the aroma of something she does the same with Dad. Before she was old enough to wield a saw she could hand it over or hold a piece of wood or shine the light. Now she can help by doing just about anything he can so they are always doing projects together.
They also have breakfast together every Saturday morning. Saturday is that kind of day. We were looking for ways to have time for just them and time for just us girls **that wasn't school time!*** We found that it works for us to have Daddy/Daughter Breakfast Saturday morning and Mom and Daughter dancing on Saturday evening.
Also, I find that limiting activities leaves our evenings free for spontaneous stuff. When evenings are jam packed, there is no opportunity. I work very hard and make a number of sacrifices to keep our evenings free.
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Mackfam
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| Posted: June 06 2013 at 3:45pm | IP Logged
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Rebeccca wrote:
| Are we supposed to add to these or just enjoy? |
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Definitely add!! One of the reasons I wanted these older threads to be bumped is because there has been great sharing on wonderful topics and questions over the years...and now I hoped our newer members would get a chance to see threads they might not have seen before, and add their own experiences and thoughts. Really adds depth! So please do join in!!!
I have some ideas for this thread, too! Can't wait to sit down during a quieter part of the day and list them! Of course, there's no possible way my list can top Suzanne's!!!!  It's rare that someone can put me to shame when it comes to written verbosity!! Love it though!
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19, ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: time with dad
