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momwise
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| Posted: Jan 13 2006 at 9:39am | IP Logged
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Kim F wrote:
| We also probably assumed that with the benefit of our excellent parenting and homeschool experiences that our children would bypass that. And lots of homeschooled teens seem to. But I am not sure we should be so quick to assume they all will. Nor does it seem to be a sure thing that just because they rebel or appear unimpressed with our lifestyle or their education as teens that this spells certain disaster for the future |
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This is so true. I was at a lecture a few years ago where a Msgr. was promoting a book called the Risk of Education. He was hard to understand on a lot of points but the one thing I remembered was that during the high school years there is no way for some kids to experience their faith than to find out for themselves that it's true. In other words, some kids just believe in God's mercy and truths and some have to find out for themselves.
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Gwen...wife for 30 years, mom of 7, grandma of 3.....
"If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." JPII
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Mary G
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| Posted: Jan 13 2006 at 9:48am | IP Logged
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Gwen,
This is Msgr. Luigi Giussani's book, The Risk of Education. Msgr Giussani who died last Spring 9and was a friend of JP2) started a lay movement in high schools in Italy -- "GS" which doesn't translate well. His adult lay movement Communio et Liberatio (or "CL") is a wonderful lay organization with chapters all over the world. Here in the states there are some GS groups also. Here's a link to CL US --you can find further info about both CL and GS here.
The GS portion of Giussani's work was what brought him to the attention of then, Archbishop Karol Wojtyla -- Wojtyla had also started a similar style youth group for his Archdiocese of Krakow. The two men often held joint retreats and continued to work together throughout their later years. Giussani died in Feb of 2004, JP2 of course in March. JP2 woud have been at Giussani's funeral but ill-health kept him away. Then Cardinal Ratzinger spoke the eulogy at Msgr. Giussani's funeral.
Small world, eh?
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MaryG
3 boys (22, 12, 8)2 girls (20, 11)
my website that combines my schooling, hand-knits work, writing and everything else in one spot!
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Willa
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| Posted: Jan 13 2006 at 12:01pm | IP Logged
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mumofsix wrote:
| I loved the way you put it, having the weight of eternity on your shoulders. That is eloquent and of-course exactly the situation for all of us. It would be scary if we did not have Our Blessed Mother on our side! |
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Molly, what you wrote really resonated with me too. It IS scary, honestly. Being a wife and mother, but especially a mother, is by far the scariest thing I've ever done.
But there's a bright side; because there's no way we could get our kids to heaven by our own efforts, we can count confidently on God's help. He wouldn't give us a task and then grudge us the tools to accomplish the task. I have been praying since my kids were little "just let them be saints" -- meaning, not necessarily canonized saints, but simply members of heaven someday. I don't really care about anything else, except as it fits into this goal.
So why do I then drop the ball so much? Well, human nature, I suppose. "I do not do what I WOULD do, but the very thing I would NOT do," as St Paul said.
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| I loved also Willa's parallel between her son's medical difficulties and our sons' wandering hearts. ... The devil wants to bring us low, and he will do so in all these ways, but God will only permit what we can bear. And He will bring great things out of it. You can do this. |
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I think the parallels are many. Perhaps it is because I was a wandering teen myself. It was not my parents' fault. No doubt they made mistakes. I know I was exposed to influences that were harmful to me, influences I now strive to avoid for my children. Perhaps they didn't realize how harmful those influences were. But it was not their parenting that made me "wander". In fact, it was their parenting probably that helped me come back eventually -- their committed love, their constant good (not perfect, but solid) example, and probably mostly their prayers.
It is similar with Aidan. According to the statistics, his birth condition has nothing to do with anything I did consciously. Genetics may play some role and so may environmental factors. I was a careful pregnant mom, and did not knowingly do anything harmful.
He is simply a more complicated child to raise, physically. He often requires nursing-level care, which we provide at home for the most part. Consequently, sometimes I make mistakes in his care, which is more serious in its consequences than it is for my other kids. That's the cross I carry. I am not good enough, but every day I have to wake up and try again, and never take the little successes for granted. But the blessings are great. He is 6.5 years old and alive and thriving and joyful, when he might not have been. Some of the credit belongs to us, his parents, our vigilance and love. I can't take it for granted and start coasting, but I can celebrate all that we've done right.
I think a "difficult" child is like this. The mistakes show up more because the child is more difficult. It is a more challenging job for the parents. You can't coast. But you can celebrate what you've done and what he is, and learn from the mistakes and then let go of them. Even a champion quarterback fumbles once in a while. You are playing a tough game. The tough games are the ones worth winning though, and they are the ones that sharpen us "iron against iron"; sanctify us, in spiritual terms.
James Dobson talks about two moms of toddlers he saw in an airplane once. One toddler sat quietly beside his mother on the whole journey, coloring, playing and talking happily to himself the whole time. The other toddler fussed, yelled at his mom, tried to get down from the seat. Dobson wrote that probably the first mom thought she was quite a good mother, while the second mom went off the plane humiliated and exhausted, no doubt convinced she was the worst mom on earth. But it might well have been that the second mom had more skills; she definitely had a more challenging job.
The other issue is this: I'm reading a book called
Shepherding a Child's Heart. It's a very Protestant read, but it makes the good point that the outcome we parents want is not "good behavior". It is to reach the child's heart. In other words, an outwardly compliant child is not always right in his heart. Jesus loved the sinners and tax collectors more than the proud, respectable Pharisees.
Just as we on this board educate to reach our kids' hearts and spirits and minds, not just to have them do X amount of math pages or reach Y educational standard, we parent that way too. My point is that though my teens are not demonstratively rebellious, they may lack qualities that your Charlie has, in fact, I know they do. And even though I have "compliant" children (at present!) there is absolutely no guarantee, any more than having a physically healthy child guarantees that he will continue to be healthy tomorrow. We're all in that position of uncertainty and necessity to trust and struggle. But the parents who do not KNOW this, who are complacent and smug in their parenting, are in a more dangerous zone than those who KNOW every day that they are in a struggle for eternity and that the task is beyond their human abilities.
I hope this comes out the way I meant it to! It was going through my mind while I was waiting for Aidan to wake up in the ER, not knowing if he would be brain-damaged forever or not, and questioning everything I'd done for the past lifetime! Well, I have to let go of that, and figure we did the best we could, and that we'll do better next time. I think that's what all parents have to do in order to grow as parents.
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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mumofsix
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| Posted: Jan 13 2006 at 12:25pm | IP Logged
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Willa, I believe you when you say you were a wandering teen: you must have been, because you understand them so well! 
I loved reading your reflections: they are very insightful.
My second child was the one who screamed and struggled on the aeroplane: my other five were the sweet little darlings who did their colouring in. The screamer has ALWAYS been difficult, at every stage, but I think I understand that gospel preference for the sinner. I have seen that interpreted as Jesus prefering the good "really", it is just that those who think they are good often are not. I don't believe it. I think He really did prefer sinners, in the sense that we mothers often find ourselves thinking most about the one who is straying, or the one who is sick: you have to force yourself sometimes to be fairer with the others who are no trouble and also need you. Jesus really, really loves sinners: it is all true! They are where His heart rests. And He also loves the faithful, but they already have everything they need.
Jane.
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ALmom
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My sister has a book called Mothers of the Saints and found it very inspiring. Does anyone know anything about this book - how to get it? I have found it very comforting to me to reflect on the real agonies of the mothers of the saints, they didn't all have model children - sometimes I wonder if there is a pattern of real challenge that pushed the parents to greater concern and prayer. I have often reflected on the real desperation of St. Maximillian Kolbe's mother who at one point turned to her son in tears and desperation asking, "What will become of you?" That question was the beginning of a great change.
Janet
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Willa
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| Posted: Jan 13 2006 at 4:33pm | IP Logged
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Mothers of the Saints by WEndy Leifeld seems to be oop and hard to find. I found it at abebooks here
It was very inspiring to me too as a new Catholic, 15 years ago!
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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ALmom
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| Posted: Jan 14 2006 at 12:27am | IP Logged
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Thanks Willa - we just placed the order. How do you guys find all this stuff on-line so quickly. I never find anything when I look.
Janet
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momwise
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| Posted: Jan 14 2006 at 9:51am | IP Logged
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Yes! and the priest that gave the talk I attended is Msgr. Albecete! It's all coming back to me now  .
I even have the book. I get the impression that I won't be able to understand most of it  . It came out of his work with a boys' high school though so maybe it would be worthwhile to try it.
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Gwen...wife for 30 years, mom of 7, grandma of 3.....
"If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." JPII
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4Real Forums : High School Years and Beyond
Topic: Motivating the Teens
