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missionfamily
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| Posted: March 04 2009 at 10:02am | IP Logged
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In an earlier thread, Jen posted a list of questions as we pondered our roles as the Hearts of our Homes. It was so well done, that I have been using it as my evening Examination of COnscience. One question in particular always stands out as I think about areas to strive to be better in.
Jen asked:
Mackfam wrote:
**Is my interior spirit one of softness, yielding and approachability with my husband, or do his concerns and suggestions to me get brushed aside as I hurry through my day?
**Do I take time or carve out special time to be with my husband on a regular basis?
**Do I seek his counsel on matters of myself and our family before I take my concerns to other friends?
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I'm wondering how others work at keeping their spirits yielding, soft and approachable for their husbands in the midst of meeting the needs of lots of little ones, the many physical demands of our child-bearing years, and managing our homes.
I know that when my husband sees the pace I keep to keep up with the kids and the house, I don't always seem approachable. And it's hard for me to switch gears from being the one on charge when he's gone to being soft and yielding in his presence.
I also struggle to reserve my conversation and my spiritual thoughts for him at times. It seems so easy to pick up the phone and hash it all out with a friend in the moment. But I know it must seem a bit insulting when our spiritual conversations go like this:
"I was thinking about/struggling with ----- today, but then (insert friend's name here) said......."
Anyone care to share ideas on cultivating that spirit of softness, yielding and approachabilty, and on keeping ourselves set apart for our husbands?
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Colleen
dh Greg
mom to Quinn,Gabriel, Brendan,Evan, Kolbe, and sweet St. Bryce
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Angie Mc
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Lovely Colleen, Thanks.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, the most direct way for this hot-headed, strong-willed wife to approach these goals has been through changing how I think in general and in particular about catching my thoughts about dh. The more I became awayre of my distorted thoughts, the more I was able to replace them and conform them to better reflect my love and respect for my dh.
I am working on developing the habit of replacing my distorted thoughts with 3 things regarding my dh:
Follow his lead.
Ask a question.
Serve with a smile.
These thoughts help me to correct my personal wrong thinking - mainly my "I'm right" problem, my "I'll talk you to death" problem, and my "I'm exhausted" problem  ... but the general idea of choosing 3 thoughts to come back to may help others. Another thought I'm considering adding is...
Drop everything.
I have this terrible habit of thinking everything will only take a minute  . I do drop everything when my dh comes home from work or travel but I want to expand on that.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Vanna
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I am TERRIBLE with this. I work very hard to be soft and yielding BUT my personality fights me every step of the way. I have gotten much better over the years but I am far...very far from being there.
Sigh. Thanks for the reminder to keep trying. I'm sure my husband thanks you too. LOL.
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Wife to K  Mommy to B (ds18) and G (ds8)
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JodieLyn
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Hmmm... while I'm not saying these aren't worthy goals, we also have to be careful here.. our dhs did marry us.. and I know my dh would have a problem if I "all of a sudden" couldn't function without his direction/decisions so.. there is a line... hmmm.. like the other day I was buying those landsend dresses on sale for the girls.. I asked his opinion/permission on spending that much money.. but I pretty much just told him about the money I was spending on our oldest son because it was *needed* (the poor guy is about out of clothes that fit  ) while the dresses for the girls was nice, I was buying for fall not right now.. but getting $250 in dresses for $100 is awfully good.. but still.. not necessary.
Seriously, one of the things that my dh was attracted to was the fact that I can function independently of him when necessary.. and sometimes when not necessary depending on the item.. he doesn't want to be making every single decision for everyone in our house.
And I think my dh likes it when I talk to others at times (depending on the topic) for one thing it takes him off the hook for listening to me working it out outloud for another it helps me mention several views to him for him to consider since often what I tell him is all the info he gets due to time constraints.
But I don't hold up a friend as an authority.. but rather as someone who may have made suggestions.. just another source of gathering info.. but that I still bring it all to my dh for his thoughts and approval..
I always come back to a business heirarchy for my illustrations.. probably because people in general aren't offended by them.
I think it more like there's a problem in my department and so I'll do research and collaboration and come up with several things and more information and then I can lay it out for my CEO to see options and add his own thoughts.. without expecting him to have the time to look at my problem and find all the information and options for me.
I guess the important part for me is that I save the *conclusions* for my dh.. I don't give that away to my friends.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Elizabeth
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"Both Aristotle and Saint Thomas write that the male is active and the female is passive; but the women is not passive, she is “receptive“, and this receptivity is totally different from pure passivity, which is, indeed, inferior to activity. In passivity, an object or a person is simply acted upon without offering any resistance or response. Receptivity, in contrast, is an act of transcendence in which one being opens himself up to another, breaks the wall of self-centeredness in order to communicate with another and to receive from another. What a difference there is between the person who passively listens to a lecture, impervious to its message -- bodily present while spiritually absent -- and the person who “receives”, understands, appreciates, responds, and is therefore enriched and fecundated."
~ Alice von Hildebrand ~
Hat Tip to Betty Beguiles:Marriage, Modesty, and Moxie with a Vintage Twist
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Cay Gibson
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Elizabeth wrote:
"... What a difference there is between the person who passively listens to a lecture, impervious to its message -- bodily present while spiritually absent -- and the person who “receives”, understands, appreciates, responds, and is therefore enriched and fecundated."
~ Alice von Hildebrand ~
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I really like this.
My mother raised me to be strong and independent. I think, in some of the things I try to explain verbally about submissiveness, she gets the wrong message and thinks I'm going too far back to the old ways and days.
I'm not. I'm a strong person in my own right...daily trying to yield and soften the outside to match the inner part of me I want to be.
I understand this submissiveness and softness on a new level...a spiritual level...but I don't explain it well verbally...so the extended family gets the wrong message all together.
But the immediate family in my home gets the message loud and clear and I've seen lots of fruit because of it.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
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Cay Gibson
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This conversation has me thinking of Jo March:
"Other helps had Jo--humble, wholesome duties and delights that would not be denied their part in serving her, and which she slowly learned to see and value. Brooms and dishcloths never could be as distasteful as they once had been, for Beth had presided over both, and something of her housewifely spirit seemed to linger around the little mop and the old brush, never thrown away. As she used them, Jo found herself humming the songs Beth used to hum, imitating Beth's orderly ways, and giving the little touches here and there that kept everything fresh and cozy, which was the first step toward making home happy...
"As they sat sewing together, Jo discovered how much improved her sister Meg was, how well she could talk, how much she knew about good, womanly impulses, thoughts, and feelings, how happy she was in husband and children, and how much they were all doing for each other.
" 'Marriage is an excellent thing, after all. I wonder if I should blossom out half as well as you have, if I tried it?' said Jo, as she constructed a kite for Demi in the topsy-turvy nursery.
" 'It's just what you need to bring out the tender womanly half of your nature, Jo. You are like a chestnut burr, prickly outside, but silky-soft within, and a sweet kernal, if one can only get at it. Love will make you show your heart one day, and then the rough burr will fall off.' "
~ Little Women Chapter 42
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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Sarah
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I've decided to give my entire Lent to my husband. Not because I'm holy, because I am so not!
I'm walking around thinking of ways to serve him: make his breakfast, make sure there is always a hand towel for him, make sure he never has to look for socks, and other things. When he's home he is king, but not in a negative way. You ladies know what I mean. I'm trying to see that serving him is serving God. Its hard. Marriage is good sacrificial work and it has been easy for me to get lazy. It was a habit there for a while to think "poor me, with this difficult homeschooling lifestyle." Thanks to Angie and her thinking threads and all you other ladies with good advice and words. I have seen where I needed to serve my husband more and quit worrying that I was too tired, too stressed, too busy, too buried in housework, etc.
I rambled, sorry.
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Six boys ages 16, 14, 11, 7, 5, 2 and one girl age 9
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Lisbet
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Sarah, I love it. I did that for my husband one year also, and we are reaping many of the fruits from it still and many of the things I did for him have continued.
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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Mackfam
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Most of my thoughts on being soft and yielding towards my husband are articulated best by Alice von Hildebrand. In particular, reading The Privelege of Being a Woman and By Love Refined were instrumental in helping to untwist some ideas I had formed. It helps that I am head over heels in love with my fella! He hangs the moon for me! The beginning of our marriage reflected some very twisted ideas we both had, and untwisting them together has been one of the most amazing journeys of our marriage!
Let me think about some of the practicals...
Softness of spirit
This one is so hard to define. Soft does not equal doormat. A soft spirit is approachable and open to her husband. She has ideas, certainly. And she is able to accomplish much on her own and her husband usually appreciates this gift of service! But, when her husband approaches her, she is open to his prompting, open to hearing that he wants to do something a different way, open to him and softens her voice and reaction in his presence. I think it conveys a spirit of humility and great respect. I DEEPLY respect my husband and I think it's so important to show that to him and to our children.
Some things I try to do:
**If he comes to me for a hug, stop everything right there and yield to that moment and offer myself...no matter how many things I am multi-tasking at that moment!
**When he is frustrated with a challenge, stop talking and adding my 2 cents and give him time to think. Let him know I have ideas when he's ready to hear them. Step back out of the situation and give him quiet to think.
**If I'm busily moving through the day and he needs me, stop and consider his needs. Sometimes, I can listen and keep going, other times I have to stop completely to be really attentive to him. Either way, I want him to know that he is always my priority. When he speaks to me, make eye contact, really listen to what he says. Consider it carefully. There are times that I have had to say, "I want to hear this conversation. I want to be attentive, but I can't be right now because the baby's diaper exploded, dinner is burning, and the toddler is melting down. Can we commit to meeting together and talking about this later tonight?" This works well for us. He usually understands and sees the fullness of the routine and saves these conversations for me, but if he doesn't, I know something is burdening him and I need to be attentive, listening, and engaging him, not just passively nodding.
**I try not to offer a litany of complaints about the day. I try not to overwhelm him with all that I have allowed to overwhelm me. If I'm overwhelmed, I've generally let a priority slip out of place. The kids don't need to hear me constantly complaining about them anyway...that's so negative! If I am facing legitimate challenges for the day, I think it through and approach him when it is quiet and I can take comfort in his strong shoulder.
Carving time out for him
If you can find creative ways to spend time together...alone...no children...I believe you will continue finding each other rather than just feeling like you're moving through days with a room-mate. These regular times spent together foster openness and softness - these evenings are so special to me. I fix my hair. I set a pretty table. I am deliberate. I try to make it look effortless by spending the entire day planning it. It's all about remembering why you fell in love to begin with. It's all about just seeing him and being present to him.
Our children are still too young to be babysitting each other, and we don't have a good babysitter close by, so my solutions reflect those challenges. Many of us can't afford a full night out too often anyway, so...here are some of our favorite creative "in-house" date-nights. (Admittedly, these suggestions rely on a pretty good bedtime routine):
***Movie night with Netflix. But, make it a real night...set the time, get the kids to bed, make a nice dessert, buy wine, brush your hair, wear his favorite sweater, tidy the living room, turn down the lights and punctuate the movie with atmosphere.
***A glass of wine on the deck. Seriously! If we need to talk, we make sure the kiddos are sound asleep (we leave the back door cracked so we can still hear the kids) and escape to the back deck and bring wine and wine glasses. Nothing like the stars and being outside with that handsome guy and a glass of wine in your hand to force you to talk! No tv - so someone's got to talk. Enter wine - a few sips and Rob and I can solve the problems of the world! Set the mood with a few candles...we girls look so pretty in the candlelight.
***Save dinner for after the littles are in bed. Make his absolute favorite meal! Pull out all the stops...take all 8 leaves out of the table so that it is small and intimate, make bread, dessert, tea, wine, set the table with candles, put on his favorite dress, turn down the lights, turn on some nice music...
***Take a walk around the yard together. Hold hands. This is my favorite thing to do on a weekend afternoon.
I really suggest getting dressed up with a little lip gloss and his favorite dress - you will be amazed at how excited you become and how special the night feels if you treat it that way!
Seeking him before I go to others
I think each husband is different here, so I hesitate to make a blanket statement. Some may prefer you to figure things out on your own, my husband gives me a great deal of free reign on this. But, I have learned that absolutely no one in this world loves me more, understands me better, knows my strengths *and* weaknesses and can speak straight to my heart better than my beloved. He knows our family, the things we struggle with, and he knows especially the areas I need to work on.
If something is really bothering me, if there is something that is burdening my heart, I first take it to prayer. Sometimes, I can work it out right there in a good examination of conscience...am I being selfish or prideful? Does my hurt or anguish stem from that? Have I overcomplicated something? If I get stuck or need to dig deeper or just need some help with some practicals, I take it to him...after I've thought it through. If I don't think it through in prayer first, it comes tumbling out of me like a big, long whine-fest. Those accomplish nothing. So, pray first, think through a challenge, and then approach him with respect and humility. I've always come away with great, workable advice that never fails to draw me closer to Our Lord. Sometimes, I ask him if he will bring whatever is troubling me to Mass and we offer the problem up together on the paten. Wow! Those problems get tackled with ferocity!
I *do* seek the counsel of good friends, especially when it concerns my vocation and the practical ways of living it out. I've just found that my husband enjoys helping me *see* ways to improve myself, and I feel such security in his unconditional love for me that I can receive a lot more useful criticism from him than I could from anyone else.
It's really about trying to live a life of Marian gentleness - soft words, open heart, approachable attitude, receptive to his needs, forgiving spirit, nurturing, engaging. All of these ideas and thoughts work together to slow me down and re-focus my heart and my eyes on him . I'm thinking of him. I'm making eye contact with him. I'm open to him, open to his ideas and wishes and plans for this family and I work to make his goals a reality. I'm loving him with my entire heart because I remember and make present to myself again and again all the reasons I fell in love with him to begin with and the million new reasons I find to love him each day. I respect him - he works so hard for our family. I fall in love again every time he walks through that door and that means, I want what he wants, I'll go where he leads, I'll be open to him, my heart is his.
Sorry I rambled so long, Colleen. You pick some great topics to think about!
__________________
Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19, ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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Matilda
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Wow. What a great topic!
Many of our conversations begin " I was thinking about this and then (friend) said..." My husband doesn't mind if I seek advice and input from elsewhere because he knows that I always come back to him for final thoughts. Either his final thoughts or to help me put mine together. He is my confirmation and my guide.
As regards physical service around the house, my husband is not your typical guy. He would be miserable if he came home to house where everything was done for him. Now, that doesn't mean I can't find little ways to serve him and make him feel special, but he would feel like "just a paycheck" if he didn't get to participate in the daily housekeeping chores (dishes, laundry, changing towels, etc...) because he doesn't see it as housekeeping, he sees it as contributing to the essential workings of the family. Also, this is part of the special time we carve out to be together (doing chores, working on projects, etc...).
Regarding the first point that you quoted Colleen, I think that depends on a husband's personality. My husband likes to mull things over before he brings up comments or suggestions. He is a little on the quiet side. Being fairly perceptive, I can always tell when he is mulling things over but have learned to not pester him with "anything on your mind?" or "is there something you want to talk about?" but rather wait until he is ready to discuss his concerns which goes against my natural "self-centered" desire to be completely open and discuss everything right away. We talk a lot! More than most married couples, or so I have been told (although probably normal for this group). It is very hard to step back and realize that he needs more time before he is ready to discuss something on his mind but I am always rewarded with gratitude when I don't rush him.
Jennifer, you and your husband sound just like me and mine! We started out with some preconceived notions of what marriage was supposed to be like and have settled into a nice, comfortable, more true to ourselves place. Sitting out on a deck sounds lovely. I'll bet I could find a way to make my back porch prettier and more inviting.
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Charlotte (Matilda)
Mom to four (11 , 10, 9 & 5 ) an even split for now
with bookend boys and a double girl sandwich
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JodieLyn
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Matilda wrote:
Regarding the first point that you quoted Colleen, I think that depends on a husband's personality. My husband likes to mull things over before he brings up comments or suggestions. He is a little on the quiet side. Being fairly perceptive, I can always tell when he is mulling things over but have learned to not pester him with "anything on your mind?" or "is there something you want to talk about?" but rather wait until he is ready to discuss his concerns which goes against my natural "self-centered" desire to be completely open and discuss everything right away. We talk a lot! More than most married couples, or so I have been told (although probably normal for this group). It is very hard to step back and realize that he needs more time before he is ready to discuss something on his mind but I am always rewarded with gratitude when I don't rush him.
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Charlotte, this is very much the way my dh is too. So I find myself "presenting" information to my dh.. and then dropping the subject for a time.. depending on how fast we need an answer on the topic, I'll wait a few days to a month or so before bringing it up again if he hasn't. Giving him that space to let things "stew" is a wonderful thing. Not only does he appreciate it, but the conversation is so much more satisfying after he's had time to mull things over. 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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SusanJ
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Wow--this is a great thread. Jennifer that was a beautiful post. I thought I was doing pretty well in this area but reading what you wrote showed me many places where I could really serve my husband better. These last few months have been so stressful for him as he was looking for work and picking up a ton of my slack during a hard third trimester. Now that I'm not pregnant I'm full of energy. And dh's new job has already caused a role reversal in terms of our stress. Now he's really worried about starting something new and unknown and I'm energized to plan a move and finally get settled in somewhere. It's definitely time for me to step up and look for ways to serve my husband.
Sarah and Lisa--I love the idea of giving Lent to your husband. Did you tell him you were doing this? I could not come up with a Lenten sacrifice this year. We do several things as a family to sacrifice and pray during the season but even with dh's help I couldn't think of something in particular for me. I think I might try in the remaining weeks to look for ways to put my own desires aside and be of more help to my husband.
Thank you ladies!
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Mom to Joseph-8, Margaret-6, William-4, Gregory-2, and new little one due 11/1
Life Together
[URL=http://thejohnstonkids.blogspot.com]The Kids' Blog[/UR
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Sarah
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I did tell my husband I was doing it because I wanted him to know how much I love him. Sometimes I think he's felt like he was not loved because I was putting so much effort into the kids and house.
Then, this week he cleaned the whole kitchen and not a typical man job, but really cleaned counters and all. He knew I would smile and feel better when I saw it. And I did. So, I think its kind of put the ball rolling to loving acts of service.
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Six boys ages 16, 14, 11, 7, 5, 2 and one girl age 9
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Angie Mc
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Angie Mc wrote:
I am working on developing the habit of replacing my distorted thoughts with 3 things regarding my dh:
Follow his lead.
Ask a question.
Serve with a smile.
Drop everything.
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Shortly after I shared this, I had an opportunity to live it  ....
My dh had been out of town for 10 days (long but not unusual for us.) His flight was due in at 5:00 pm so I planned for him to be home at ~ 6:00. The children and I had worked hard all day (our regular routine + weeding  ) and it was 4:00 when I stopped outdoor work and went in the house to prepare for my dh's return. The phone rang, my ds answered and said "Great, Dad! See you soon!" and handed me the phone. My dh said to me, "Hi, Hon, I got an early flight. I'm on the road and I'll be home in a half an hour." My first thoughts were...oh no, I'm not even showered!...the house isn't in order...I'm not ready! This could morph into me feeling flustered and irritated which could lead me to be short with dh so I could get off the phone and get 2 hours of work done in 30 minutes  ! Instead, I said, "That's great, Honey! Can't wait to have you home (followed his lead)." After listening to him talk about his day (serve with a smile) I asked, "Which would you rather, a clean house or a clean wife?! (ask a question)" to which we both laughed and he said "A clean wife" - God bless him! So, I organized the children quickly and jumped in the shower (drop everything) and was ready to meet him at the door with a smile and the happiness I truly felt and the love that I truly wanted to share.
Sarah and Lisa, your idea of giving Lent to dh is so inspiring! Thanks! All, I value your ideas and practical helps in this matter.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Philothea
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Great story, Angie! Keep talking, ladies, I'm taking notes, here.
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MNMommy
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Philothea wrote:
| Great story, Angie! Keep talking, ladies, I'm taking notes, here. |
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I'm taking notes too! What a wonderful discussion. I'm mulling over how to save more energy for my dh. My 4 kids are all 6 and under, and I am so emotionally and physically tired by the end of the work day that I don't always save energy for my dh.
Jennifer
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Bookswithtea
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Angie Mc wrote:
Follow his lead.
Ask a question.
Serve with a smile.
Drop everything.
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Angie, this is awesome! I am going to incorporate this into my word for the year (gentle). I've been looking for something concrete to help me to be more gentle to dh as well as the kids, and this is so practical! 
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and due 9/10
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: On Becoming Soft, Yielding Wives
