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Dawnie
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| Posted: July 31 2007 at 5:44pm | IP Logged
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I started taking my oldest dd to a counselor for her behavior/anger problems. Here is some history.
We've had one session so far, and my dd DOES NOT want to go back. At the first visit, the counselor had her sit right outside the office while she and I talked for 10-15 min. Mary Beth did not want to sit outside the office by herself and cried almost the whole time. Then, when she could come in, she was very angry. Since then, she's been telling me that she doesn't want to go back and making threats about what she'll do if she's made to sit outside the door again. So, I've talked to her, tried to find out why she doesn't want to sit outside--she says that she's scared that someone will kidnap her and that she's afraid she'll get into mischief. So, we came up with a plan--if someone tries to take her (which I assured her would probably not happen anyway), she can knock on the door, scream and yell, and we will open the door and rescue her. She's also going to bring a little backpack with things to keep her occupied while she's waiting outside. Dh is coming with me to the appointment this time and will sit outside with her if she gets out of control. We have told her that if she behaves, we will take her out for a milkshake after the appointement. We have made our expectations for her behavior very clear. We have told her that if she pitches a fit, screams, tries to hit/kick/hurt anyone, that she will be counted (a la "1-2-3 Magic) and when we get to 3, she will not get to go out for a milkshake and she will lose her bike and playing with her neighberhood friend for a week. She's still threatening bad behavior at the appointment.  I'm prepared to be thouroughly embarrassed tomorrow, but I'm wondering if I should keep making her go? I don't even know what to look for in a children's counselor. This particular counselor was reccemmended to me by my counselor, so that's why we're going. Anyone have any resources I could look into to learn more about how to find a counselor that can help my dd? Is it important that my dd LIKE the counselor and should she want to go on her own, without me having to drag her there and threaten all kinds of punishments to get her to behave?
SIGH.
Help??
Dawn
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jugglingpaynes
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| Posted: July 31 2007 at 7:04pm | IP Logged
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Hi,
I followed your story from your other thread.
Two questions. Is this counselor supposed to be a child psychologist/counselor? And did the counselor talk with you before or after talking with the child?
This is just my humble opinion, but if I were in your daughter's place, I would be very upset that my mom was talking about me secretly with the counselor. A child counselor's job is to develop a rapport with the child first, not the parent. Any background should have been done ahead of time out of the child's presence or after Mary Beth met the counselor. At the very least, a play room or toys should have been made available to distract her while she waited.
Was there at least a secretary in the waiting area? If not, I can understand her fear of being left all alone in a strange room. I was very shy as a child. I would have panicked if I had been left alone like that.
If you need to threaten her with punishment to get her to go, I can promise you it won't be a useful experience for either of you. If you still plan to go tomorrow, I would tell her to just give it one more try, and if she really doesn't like it you will find someone else for her to talk to. Giving her this option will help her to feel she has some say in the process and maybe help her open up. Otherwise, it might be best to find someone else.
I hope it goes well. I have my own high maintenance 5y.o., so I empathize with your situation. Take it one day at a time.
Peace and Laughter,
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Cristina
(mom of MayBabies dd15,ds12,dd6)
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mavmama
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| Posted: July 31 2007 at 10:25pm | IP Logged
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It has been our experience that our kids don't want to go (at first) because they know the gig's up, so to speak, and we are serious about getting the behaviors in question worked on. I personally think you are doing the right thing by going to the counselor. It sounds like she has figured out that you mean business, and is not happy about that. Your plan about the backpack of things to do, and your husband being there is a good one. Hang in there, and trust yourself-- you know her better than anyone.
Hugs....
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Liz
Blessed by 4 wonders
dd11, dd911, ds9, ds8
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Dawnie
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| Posted: July 31 2007 at 10:51pm | IP Logged
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jugglingpaynes wrote:
| Is this counselor supposed to be a child psychologist/counselor? |
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Yes
jugglingpaynes wrote:
| Did the counselor talk with you before or after talking with the child? |
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Before
jugglingpaynes wrote:
This is just my humble opinion, but if I were in your daughter's place, I would be very upset that my mom was talking about me secretly with the counselor. A child counselor's job is to develop a rapport with the child first, not the parent. Any background should have been done ahead of time out of the child's presence or after Mary Beth met the counselor. At the very least, a play room or toys should have been made available to distract her while she waited. |
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There were toys out in the waiting room she could have played with.
jugglingpaynes wrote:
| Was there at least a secretary in the waiting area? |
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Yes, there was a secretary in the waiting area. There was a big waiting area, then a short hallway right off the waiting area which led to the counselor's office. Mary Beth was given a choice between waiting in the waiting area (where the toys were) and waiting right outside the counselor's office door. She chose to wait outside the door, but she was still really scared. And she had broughht a couple of books with her and a stuffed animal to that first appointment.
jugglingpaynes wrote:
| If you need to threaten her with punishment to get her to go, I can promise you it won't be a useful experience for either of you. If you still plan to go tomorrow, I would tell her to just give it one more try, and if she really doesn't like it you will find someone else for her to talk to. Giving her this option will help her to feel she has some say in the process and maybe help her open up. Otherwise, it might be best to find someone else. |
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I think I'll just plan on having my dh stay with Mary Beth outside. That will solve the problem of her being afraid to be alone, if fear is her genuine problem in this case.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Cristine and Liz!
Dawn
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Angel
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| Posted: Aug 01 2007 at 7:21am | IP Logged
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Counselors do that (talk to both of you separately) because they know you'd be unwilling to completely open up in front of your daughter, and that your daughter may say things in private that she wouldn't say in front of you. To be honest, I was very relieved to be able to go into the psychiatrist's office and say, "I am at the end of my rope."
Your dd may be dealing with a lot of anxiety in general about the visit. She may be wondering if there is something terribly wrong with her that needs "fixed". She may wonder if she has some kind of disease. She may be worried about lots of different things that sort of get funneled into worrying about being left alone for 10 minutes while you talk to the counselor. I think it is important to acknowledge that all those fears may exist, but it is also important for her to know that you have reached a point where her behaviors require extra help. With my son, I have made it clear that safety is my first priority. If his behaviors are consistently unsafe and putting his siblings (or me) in jeopardy, then my job is to get him help. If his behaviors are making everyone (including him!!!) miserable and we have tried all we can try, then it is my job to call in extra help so that we are not all miserable. He may not like it, in the same way that he doesn't like going to the doctor when he has strep throat, but sometimes you just *have* to.
On the other hand, we both have to feel okay about the doctor/counselor. If after a few appointments (or several) rapport did not seem to be there, I would probably try to switch doctors/counselors. I would not give up on counseling if things were still the same at home, but I would try to find somebody who clicked better with my child and my family.
--Angela
Three Plus Two
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jugglingpaynes
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| Posted: Aug 01 2007 at 8:37am | IP Logged
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Hi Dawn,
Thanks for clarifying. I was having a "What was that counselor thinking?" moment.
I still think it's better to let the child talk with the counselor first or do preliminaries over the phone, but that's water under the bridge. Anyway, it's been years since I've used that psychology degree in my closet. Things have probably changed since my college days. 
I hope your second visit goes better. If her father is there maybe she will relax better in the waiting area. I just wanted you to know that you should keep your options open and not feel married to this counselor. As Angela said, you should both feel okay about the counselor.
Peace and Laughter,
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Cristina
(mom of MayBabies dd15,ds12,dd6)
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Dawnie
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| Posted: Aug 09 2007 at 11:33pm | IP Logged
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Angel wrote:
but it is also important for her to know that you have reached a point where her behaviors require extra help. With my son, I have made it clear that safety is my first priority. If his behaviors are consistently unsafe and putting his siblings (or me) in jeopardy, then my job is to get him help. If his behaviors are making everyone (including him!!!) miserable and we have tried all we can try, then it is my job to call in extra help so that we are not all miserable. He may not like it, in the same way that he doesn't like going to the doctor when he has strep throat, but sometimes you just *have* to.
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Oh, yeah, I can relate to this. I'm pretty exasperated with her consistently defiant and often physically aggressive behavior.
I do want her to feel comfortable with the counselor, but it helps to know that it might take a few visits for things to click.
The second visit went much better. Dh and I told her clearly what we expected, which was for her to sit outside the door quietly and play or read. We told her she could knock on the door if she felt afraid or needed anything. We told her that if she chose to misbehave, she'd be grounded from her bike for a week and if she behaved in the way we expected, we would reward her with a milkshake after the appointment. She threatened bad behavior right up to the morning of the appointment and I just responded with, "Well, you know what the consequences will be if you choose to act that way." She was very good for the appointment.  She sat outside the door with a backpack of books and activities she had brought from home. She knocked on the door once when she needed to go to the bathroom. I was very proud of her.
I think my dd recognizes that it may take her a little while to get used to the counselor. We have a few more appointments scheduled, so we'll see what happens.
Thank you so much for your input, everyone. This is new and unfamiliar territory for me and it really helps to hear from others who have been there, done that.
Dawn
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Mom to Mary Beth (99), Anna (02), Lucia (04), Clara (06), and Adelaide Victoria (2/28/09)
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jugglingpaynes
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| Posted: Aug 10 2007 at 7:57am | IP Logged
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Yay Dawn!
I'm so glad things went better the second time. You did great. Calm, consistent and unaffected can be powerful behavior modifiers. You've got a smart little girl there, now that she knows you mean business I'm sure you will see some great improvements.
Peace and Laughter,
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Cristina
(mom of MayBabies dd15,ds12,dd6)
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Dawnie
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| Posted: Aug 10 2007 at 9:21am | IP Logged
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Cristina,
Hey, I just noticed that you have MayBabies...my first 3 are May Babies, too!
Mary Beth, May 24, 1999
Anna, May 8, 2002
Lucia, May 16, 2004
And their birthdays are all multiples of 8, too...weird, huh?
Dawn
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Mom to Mary Beth (99), Anna (02), Lucia (04), Clara (06), and Adelaide Victoria (2/28/09)
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4Real Forums : Special Blessings
Topic: counseling for children
