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amyable
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LOL- sorry to run off like that in the middle of a thought. I was at my dd's vision therapy, and they have free wi-fi. Isn't that cool?  But her therapist wanted to talk to me. 
I'm not sure what I was going to say next, but it was something about me doing more of my share of the stressful things, and dh knowing that. Maybe that's what I need to ask for more of? Not more physical help necessarily - I am *happy* to serve my family much of time - but more support with the stresses - the special needs, the allergies, etc.
Thanks again everyone. You will all be in my prayers today!
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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amyable
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Natalia wrote:
| But I don't think that hormones cause you to feel a certain way. I think they uncovered what was already there. |
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I say this to dh all the time - "I *always* feel this way, but right now my hormones are making it almost impossible to *deal with* and *ignore*."
Thank you for the suggestion of the Five Love Languages book. I've read that one and the kids one and love them both! I should probably revisit them though.
Dh and I have different love languages, and I think we tend to forget that the way he wants love rings hollow for me, and vice versa. I'm a gifts and acts of service gal. He's a words and touch guy.
I have The Hidden Power of Kindess sitting, only partially read, on my shelf. Guess it's high time to brush that one off again too.
How can I ever thank you fine ladies for opening your hearts to me today with your honesty and care? This forum is so wonderful it is beyond words. 
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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aussieannie
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I have a friend in Australia who has similiar worries and concerns.
She credits the book, The Five Love Languages to helping her tremendously.
I have not read it myself, but it sounds like a great book! 
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Under Her Starry Mantle
Spiritual Motherhood for Priests
Blessed with 3 boys & 3 girls!
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Erica Sanchez
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teachingmyown wrote:
Amy,
Have you listened to Marie Bellet? She is a Catholic mother of 9 who just released her 4th CD. She really touches my soul, especially at times I am feeling down like you.
On her Lighten Up CD, she has a song that goes something like this:
"It's all work, no play, ay, yi, yi
I work all day, ay, yi, yi
It's I want, I need, ay, yi, yi
I hurt, I bleed.
And there's too much coffee and too much rush,
too much talking and too much fuss.
But even I can plainly see, in the middle of it all
Is too much me!" |
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Molly, this is EXACTLY what I thought of when reading Amy's post!!!! Now back to read the entire thread.
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Have a beautiful and fun day!
Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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msclavel
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| Posted: Jan 10 2007 at 4:05pm | IP Logged
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amyable wrote:
I'm not sure what I was going to say next, but it was something about me doing more of my share of the stressful things, and dh knowing that. Maybe that's what I need to ask for more of? Not more physical help necessarily - I am *happy* to serve my family much of time - but more support with the stresses - the special needs, the allergies, etc.
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Yes! I totally understand what you mean. My six year old is so headstrong and tempermental, on the bad days I wonder if she would be better off at a school. Teaching her this year has been such a battle. It drains me in every way imaginable.
So when bedtime comes, and I don't want to have to battle any little people anymore what I "really" want is for dh to tell me, "Don't worry dear, I'll make sure they all get to bed tonight, you just go snuggle with the baby and relax."
My problem is finding the way to tell him that so it doesn't sound angry or accusatory or make my dc feel like I can't stand them .
And the book you all have brought up sounds like something I need. Communicating with my husband what's really going on with me is something I struggle with.
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Erica Sanchez
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Natalia wrote:
I was talking to the kids about it this very morning. I am planning on having them freewrite ( a la Bravewriter) about acts of kindness that they can do for other members of the family and acts of kindness that would make them feel loved and appreciated. Then I think I am going to post a list on our "fridgeschooling" board so that we can be reminded of concrete things we could do each day to show our love and appreciation. I might even get my dh to freewrite also  Natalia |
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This brilliant, Natalia! I love this idea! There is wonderful information here. You ladies are so wise. I will be praying for you, Amy.
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Have a beautiful and fun day!
Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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Maryan
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I have a huge martyrdom complex; however, I quickly discovered that no one in my family appreciates Mommy Martyr so I try to shove the truly sensitive part of me into a corner (not easy since I am a cryer) and I resort to humor...
At dinner when nothing is said, I announce: "Thank you Mommy for this absolutely delicious dinner that is out of this world..." (the boys always chime in...they know the routine.)
Other lines I've been known to use include:
"Wow, this room is so sparkling clean -- you must have slaved all day!" "I just LOVE to find clean clothes folded in my drawers. What a treat!" "Peanut butter and jelly is so yummy in my tummy - you're the best, Mom!"
and my all-time favorite:
"Mommy, you look beautiful!" (Although, my almost two year old ALWAYS notices when I dress up and rubs my stockings like they're the coolest things and smiles at me!)
DH's love language is acts of service (which he is awesome at), but living in a house of males, sometimes I just need to HEAR the love, so thus my goofy outbursts.
I have to say...most of the time now my males jump in and say the lines before I get a chance!
I'm totally striving to not need the affirmation and be perfected by Christ, but I'm not there yet.
Maryan (Mom of 4 boys)
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aussieannie
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In recent times I have stressed to the children the importance of saying, "Thank you" - gratitude is such an important virtue!
We have worked hard in being consistant in training and explaining of it and it has been such balm my ear to hear the chorus of, "Thank you Mummy!" "Thanks Mum" "Yes, thanks Mum!" etc. usually at least one the children (and usually a different child each time) will remember to say it and then they will all chime in!
This has been a positive thing in feeling appreciated by the children and an even better thing for them too.
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Under Her Starry Mantle
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Blessed with 3 boys & 3 girls!
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MichelleW
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Ok, I have a story...
My kids are so close in age that I had three potty training at roughly the same time (and I it WAS rough). There for a while every single afternoon for weeks I would pass by the toilet in their bathroom and it would be clogged and I thought, "I'll take care of that later, when they are not all hanging on me." Every single evening when I would help them get ready for bed the toilet was no longer clogged. I started thinking, "Wow, having the kids bathroom on the 2nd floor was brilliant! Gravity must be at work here, pulling that clog down." I decided that I didn't need to worry about clogs unless several hours had passed and gravity hadn't taken care of it.
One evening dh came home exhausted. I followed him upstairs talking to him. When we got to the kid's bathroom, he sighed heavily and said, "Just once it would be nice to not have to plunge the toilet when I get home." I was shocked! "What! I had no idea you were plunging the toilet!" He said, "Did you think they just plunged themselves?"
And honestly, yes. I did think they plunged themselves. Because, you see, if it had been me I would have made such a big deal about it. I would have made sure everyone knew I was doing it and how often. I would have expected all kinds of sympathy and appreciation. Todd plunged that toilet EVERY DAY for WEEKS and never said a word.
Extremly humbling moment.
But, I actually think that the reason we feel unappreciated so often is that we are isolated. I don't remember feeling this way before kids. The kids are not the problem, however, I really believe it is the isolation.
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Michelle
Mom to 3 (dd 14, ds 15, and ds 16)
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Erin
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amyable wrote:
I've realized lately that I have a big martyr complex or something. Meaning that I feel very unappreciated and like I'm just the maid, and it is coming out as snippiness and anger towards my family. 
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Amy
I can soo relate to this. I go through bouts of this from time to time. I can feel myself start to spiral down and have to pull myself up.
amyable wrote:
| My dh, blessed man that he is, asked me "Well, what can I do to show that I appreciate you? What do you need from me?" (I tell you, he is a saint among men! ) |
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I'm afraid my dh isn't so soft on me anymore and he's right he knows what I need. First on a practical note I need to get out (which is what dh reminds me) I need to get outside and go for a walk, with the dc if I have to, preferably without. Then in the immediate future I do need some time away from everyone even if it is to do the grocery shop alone, I've even found just going to the takeaway shop a block away to pick up the tea is all I need sometimes. As a mother of many little ones who are with me all the time I sometimes forget to have little re-charges. Just 5 minutes is all I need to re-stock sometimes.
AMYABLE wrote:
| Does anyone else struggle with this? Do you know anything that helps? How do you like to be shown that you are appreciated and loved? |
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From what you've shared about your dh is sounds like he isn't really the problem. I would bet that he would often say/do little things that do make you feel cherised and appreciated. It is the dc, yep we blush we love them but at this age they don't always have the maturity to appreciate many things.
amyable wrote:
| Unfortunately, my examples growing up all played up the martyr thing big time. I don't have a good model to look at for a healthy mother-family relationship. |
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Oh boy can I relate here. My mother is the queen of martyrs.
Prayer also helps, just little talks to God to ask Him to help you 'get over it' and counting your blessings. As mentioned writing them down is a good way.
And it wouldn't hurt to train your dc little courtesies. Thanking you for meals etc. Just don't do the martyr act  I can so relate. Go for a walk right now
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Erin
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Erin
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amyable wrote:
I'm not sure what I was going to say next, but it was something about me doing more of my share of the stressful things, and dh knowing that. Maybe that's what I need to ask for more of? Not more physical help necessarily - I am *happy* to serve my family much of time - but more support with the stresses - the special needs, the allergies, etc.
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This may well be the case in your situation Amy.
But for me I've had to wonder whether some of it is in my imagination. Take Michelle's beautiful story of her dh Todd My dh would be like Todd and I'd be like Michelle One day when I was heading for the doldrums I stopped and thought about dh and all the things he does do, and I know that on a 'balance sheet' he would not be lacking. I mentally wrote them down and realised I had the better deal. Sure things are tough at home sometimes but I also get many more of the great moments that he misses out on because he is not here.
Where is he? He is out providing for us so that we can have this lifestyle.
Hugs Amy, hope you are feeling a little better. 
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
Seven Little Australians
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mommylori
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Amy also we have to remember as mothers our families, dh's and children are so used to us being so motherly that they forget they can do a few things on their own, or atleast in my home. Maybe next time you begin to feel upset put everyone to work, to help you out?
And then remind them they can do somethings with out you. Like find their socks, clean there room etc. Also try getting up a little bit before everyone and having time to you, and also time to get the day going before the demands start. I started doing this again, and it makes such a diffrence in my whole day to have sometime to be alone.
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mary theresa
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Maryan wrote:
At dinner when nothing is said, I announce: "Thank you Mommy for this absolutely delicious dinner that is out of this world..." (the boys always chime in...they know the routine.)
Other lines I've been known to use include:
"Wow, this room is so sparkling clean -- you must have slaved all day!" "I just LOVE to find clean clothes folded in my drawers. What a treat!" "Peanut butter and jelly is so yummy in my tummy - you're the best, Mom!"
and my all-time favorite:
"Mommy, you look beautiful!" (Although, my almost two year old ALWAYS notices when I dress up and rubs my stockings like they're the coolest things and smiles at me!)
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This is so cute of you! I love it! My best friend when I was growing up had a mom that would do this. She had this special song that she would make her kids sing -- all in good fun -- after an outing or something fun that she'd taken them to. It was the "Thank you Mommy" song. My friend and all her brothers and sisters would join in at the top of their lungs. It was so funny!
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Mary Theresa
mother to 3 little girls --March '06, Dec '07 and Jan '10
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doris
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Dear Amy
This rang lots of bells with me.
Once, during confession, while I was sobbing away (embarrassing! happens every time!) about my failure to love people, the priest laid his hand on mine and told me that I had to ask God to help me love myself. He wasn't being new-age-y or silly, just saying that we can't love and appreciate others if we don't feel that way about ourselves.
Is this something you need to pray for? I'm not adopted, but I am donor conceived, and I think that background is also a big contributor to problems with self esteem.
I hope this isn't barking up the wrong tree, but it just struck me that if you were happier in yourself you wouldn't need affirmation from other people.
Please ignore if it's all wrong or makes the wrong assumptions...
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Home educating in London, UK with dd (2000) ds (2002), dd (2004), ds (2008) and dd (2011).
Frabjous Days
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Maddie
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You have received so much great advice here, I hesitate to offer my prespective as it may not be what you mean, but here it goes.
I too have and continue to struggle with being appreciated. My dh is baffled as he is a very devoted, loving, adoring husband. I'm contantly praised by him and the children so I couldn't figure out why I felt so unappreciated. At this point in my thinking, I think it has a lot to do with society not valuing what I do. I know we can never please the world, but I lived in a very Republican dominated area and knew many "country club" type Republicans who would scoff (not directly, but they were very condesending)at our large family, the homeschooling, the strive for holiness, etc. I wanted to yell at them, "Hey buddy, aren't you THANKFUL I'm raising children that are going to be excellent citizens, possible religious for the Church, maybe your next doctor, etc?" Don't you see I'm trying to make the world a better place by my sacrifices?
I had a friend whose dh is in politics, she's awesome hs mother, and they were at a Republican luncheon. On one side was her dh and on the other a Republican woman dressed to the "nines". The woman asked her what she did, she replied she was a stay at home hs mother, the woman smiled and said "oh!" and turned around and never spoke to my friend again. I guess it frustrates me that people who are supposed to be in your camp so to speak, Catholics at church, Republicans, Fox News, whatever, really don't appreciate and get what your doing. They consider us "fringe" or whatever.
I remember just recently I was in the grocery store, it was late, I was tired and the little children were fussy. I passed by an usher from my church who just looked annoyed with my whole crew. I could have really used a smile, or a nod to encourage me, but nope. Only cold annoyance.
Sorry if this is disjointed, but I guess that's part of why I feel so unappreciated sometimes. I know we aren't supposed to seek admiration from the world but it just seems that we should have more support from the usual suspects.
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~Maddie~
Wife to my dh and Momma of 9 dear ones
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Cheryl
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Amy,
I think I've felt like you at different times in my marriage. I too grew up with a martyr thing and another unhealthy behavior-keeping score. When we had only one baby I started getting resentful at the amount of time my dh had to himself. I also remember feeling like I had all of the parenting responsibility on my shoulders even when dh was home. (eg. getting a babysitter, giving a bath, etc.) The best advice I got was BE DIRECT. It's true. I was being indirect (another thing I picked up from my family.) I had to learn how to communicate properly, but first I had to figure out what I needed. That did not happen overnight. I started by asking God to help me know what I needed.
I remember another time when my baby #3 was 8 months old I was feeling burned out. I did a free write list. I want..... My dh took me out to dinner with baby #3 and I read him the list and he tried his best to fulfill my needs. He is always happy to help, he's just not a mind reader, and sometimes he may help in a way I didn't plan on or think of.
I think by my continuing to try to communicate my needs over the years my dh has begun to meet my needs without my even asking him to. Sometimes he even recognizes them before I do. I've noticed how he doesn't have any problem knowing and telling me his needs. I've mentioned keeping score before. I used to feel envious that he had steak at business lunches and I was eating pb & J. Or he was out golfing or working out at the Y while I was dealing with tantrums and meltdowns. Now I feel like it all balances out. I'm happy that I don't have angry clients swearing at me and ungrateful employees complaining about Christmas bonuses. I get to watch my kids grow.
I think if I start getting angry at my dh or thinking he's got it easy, it's probably because I'm not taking care of myself. (Maybe I need more sleep, time alone, conversation with women friends, meditation, etc.)
Boy, this is long...I'm sorry if this has nothing to do with what you're going through. This has been my experience. As far as ungrateful dc... I have no idea how to make them grateful. I think I'd just vent about them to my dh or my friends. I'd also try to be the best example as I could of a grateful person.
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Cheryl
Wife to Bob ('97)
Mom to Matthew 13, Joseph 11, Sarah 10, Rachel 6, Hannah almost 4 and Mary 1
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ALmom
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Amy - sometimes when I'm feeling unappreciated it is because too much business has crept in and dh and I have not had alone time together to reconnect. We have to consciously make that time. Also women have a huge need to communicate (talk and be listened to). My dh is likewise a saint - but also a man and he only talks when there is business to be done, a problem to be fixed, etc. I finally realized that what I needed sometimes was just for dh to listen to my rants (and not interrupt them to suggest solutions and then hold me and hug me. Bless him, he worked very hard to follow through with what I said and not what he thought made sense and does listen without offering fixes right away. Of course, I've also learned to say, honey I'm all out of sorts, do you mind listening to a little rant so I can get it out of my system. (A little hint that a woman is talking to him, not another man) We joke now as my dh will sing "Now why can't a woman think like a man."
Another thing I realized is that when dh is home and the kids are being grumpy, I'd love for him to defend me and say - kiddos, please, don't you see how hard your mother has worked, now you guys .... Or when the children complain because the spinach is yukky, I don't have to be the one to remind them that this is rude. If I say it, its more like mom whining. If he says it, he is my night in shining armor and I am elevated in everyone's eyes - besides I then get all gooey and huggy on him because I so appreciate that.
I also realized that I tend to equate hearing the hint and following through with love - and my dh rarely ever gets the hints. Be direct is good advice. Now it does help that I have grown daughters cause I can hint to them and they tell dad .... but when they were little, I just had to be direct and realize it was another one of those differences in the way men and women tend to think.
One thing you mentioned was that you were at the vision therapists office - I've been there. Trying to teach with vision problems is a real taxing situation - and it is hard to know if you are being too hard or too easy. It adds tons more stress to the day, everyday. And i don't have allergy problems or any of the other things. You do need support - and it is not selfish to ask for it - just expect to have to be specific.
One other thing I've recently learned fosters my stress. My dh thought I was doing a marvelous job teaching the dc - he actually was so confident in me that he really didn't worry about the schooling at all - and I was always in a near state of panic and insecurity. I finally expressed how horrible a time I have with making decisions and how much I wanted him to be the lead in this - but not in a dictatorial sense but in the sense that he knew what we were doing, where we were going and expressed some opinions about how he'd like to see things done - or at least just ask questions so that when he did say I was doing a great job, I wouldn't just think, "Oh yeah, that is because he is not hear to see our chaos."
Anyways hugs to you. I'll offer your intentions with our night prayers as we head up now.
Janet
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JenniferS
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Amy,
I don't have much to add becasue I am having similar feelings right now. My poor dh is just perplexed.( A whole other thread in itself, and I won't go there right now!) Guess we should read the Five Love Languages book, huh? It's been good for me to read all of the replies.
God bless you!!!!
Jen
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mary theresa
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Maddie wrote:
At this point in my thinking, I think it has a lot to do with society not valuing what I do.
I know we aren't supposed to seek admiration from the world but it just seems that we should have more support from the usual suspects. |
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I know this is kind of off the topic . . .
Maddie, I agree with you that society's attitude can really contribute to feeling unappreciated. A family cannot subsist on its own, it needs to supported and valued. The fact that saying you are a SAHM makes people not really count you as contributing to society or doing anything of much interest or importance can be so destructive to our own view of our importance -- no matter how much we KNOW that we are doing great, holy, important work. I have often thought how almost impossible it is to completely shake off and be uninfluenced by societal norms, cultural attitudes, etc. It is a constant struggle.
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Mary Theresa
mother to 3 little girls --March '06, Dec '07 and Jan '10
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Bridget
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I know this is a real struggle for moms, and this is meant to be light hearted....
Bake chocolate chip cookies 'just because'. I did last night and Kevin and the kids were falling all over themselves telling me how much they love me and what a good cook I am. it was well worth scrubbing up the cookie pans late after everyone else had gone to bed.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Being appreciated
