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ALmom
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| Posted: Jan 22 2008 at 11:51pm | IP Logged
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Don't have answers, and know too that nothing is guaranteed. We can do everything RIGHt (well not really because we are all fallen human beings) and our children still choose something evil. Humble realization of this sends us to our knees.
With teens, I do think they need to feel appreciated. So when your teen is toting the baby and helping with dinner and all those wonderful things that are so easy to take for granted, let them know you notice and appreciate it. Also consciously provide honest praise for good work, give guidance but more in terms of drawing them out and asking them the right questions - ie recognizing their growing maturity, elicit their input in decisions that impact them as much as is appropriate. However, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying don't put your foot down on things - clear limits, we had very strict, non-negotiable rules in areas - but when it came to trying to make a decision we certainly took input from our teens with full knowledge that we took this information and seriously pondered it - still we were the parents. When you must make choices that aren't going to be their favorite, we tried to explain our reasoning and aknowledge their disappointment. Sometimes we were able to provide an alternative that wasn't quite what they wanted but took into account some of the things they felt they were missing by our NO. We allowed them to express the disappointment in polite and respectful ways and aknowledged the feelings even when we could not change the decision.
Try to carve time, take time, notice the non-verbal clues that indicate stress, unmet needs and then be willing to listen to them without analyzing or trying to fix everything. Be honest in admitting when something is lacking. Homeschooling isn't always perfect.
Develop an interest in the things that interest them. In our case, that meant that I became more musically educated, we all went to concerts, etc.
Identify, prayerfully and jointly with husband, real needs that are not met easily in homeschooling and be willing to make sacrifices to do what you can to help find solutions. Sometimes this involves significant sacrifice on the part of the parents and even other members of the family. It is sometimes very beneficial for them to see that we bend for their needs, too. Of course we do strive for some sort of overall balance.
Continue to parent - ie have clear limits, etc. but do set opportunities for them to learn naturally from their mistakes in ways that do not cause irretrievable harm. I do think that parents cannot delegate schooling choice to their children. Whether they go to ps or private of homeschool must be made by the parents with prayer and real information both about the vulnerabilities of the particular child and the local school situation. We did take input from our child about why she wanted this option available to her, etc. We ultimately decided to continue homeschooling, a decision she was not exactly excited about but one which she graciously accepted and then we both worked to find ways to address some real things she found lacking in our homeschooling. I do think, that our experience, is that having them home has been a great blessing for us all. It had its rough moments (no big issues just intense lonliness for the child)for one of ours - and in hindsight I think being more firm in terms of accountability (ie deadlines), clear expectations (coupled with more focus on the positive), and earlier recognition of this child's need to be in larger groups of people would have eased things. But then again, that is hindsight, and it may be that God had a particular path of suffering for this child and has made her stronger by it and protected her from dangers we would not have recognized. It is hard to say.
I think it helps to share honestly with them as well in areas that are appropriate. Many times I had to humbly seek forgiveness from my teens. I am not a perfect person, our home is not a perfect home, and I am far from a perfect teacher. I often felt badly and stressed over the sheer demands on me, and sometimes my daughter would pick up on my discouragement and think she had done something. I had to be able to share enough so she knew it was not her. I have never been ill in pregnancy so I cannot address that concern. I do think honestly voicing your sorrow at not being more present to her at that time will go a long way. Also perhaps brainstorm ways to provide adult support for your teen at home when you are in that situation - or even having a lot done in advance. I do think there is a difference between extra demands during a temporary crisis and drifting into the child taking over your duties more regularly longterm. (I know my daughter loved to cook and I once offered her the option of switching chores since she seemed to be doing a lot of cooking - her response was, NO, I don't want the responsibility of having to do it all the time, I'd rather just keep my chores the way they are and cook when I feel like it. I made sure she knew that I loved it when she cooked but that it was my duty and if she was doing it for fun, fine - but if it felt like I was just dropping one more thing in her lap, then I needed to step up. She told me as long as she felt she could choose not to cook anytime she wanted to not cook, she was perfectly happy and content. There were days she had other things, but truly, she cooked most dinners for us that year. She did feel stressed if I did not maintain order in the home and she could not get enough quiet to study.
My teens are very capable and it is important for me to remember to keep a balance. It is good for everyone to have a role, chore, contribute to the overall family. Yet as a mother of many, you do have to guard against making these older children into substitute parents. It is wonderful for them to tote their sibling, play, entertain, help with dinner and dishes, etc. and all those things can be good for all. But I have to keep it clear in my mind that these are ultimately my responsibilities and I must be careful that the child is not becoming stressed by trying to be super helper and do a heavy school load, etc. My teen did also need some leisure, time to get away and work with her peers in some real work, etc. (not that the home is not real work because it is, but my teens needed to expand beyond just the family circle).
The most important thing was to LISTEN and to grab the opportune moments - but also to just pop in on an evening and sit with just them to ask about their outside activities and show interest in their activities or even identify that they seemed sort of stressed, etc.... It was hard to be on top of their school stuff so in school, by high school, I am afraid I dropped the ball a bit too much on this one. But she is fine. I now have two other teens but  no babies anymore. Still it is always hard juggling. I pray to be in touch with the needs of each child each day. And I still need to be available to my no longer teenage college student who calls to think things throuhg with us still.
Janet
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SuzanneG
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Joined: June 17 2006
Location: Idaho
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| Posted: Jan 23 2008 at 12:18am | IP Logged
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Linking some past threads that apply to this:
What Went Wrong? what went right?
Do you tuck your teens in?
Older kids helping
teenage rebellion
teens and socialization
__________________
Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: being present for our teens/babies
