| Author | |
Bridget
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2198
|
| Posted: Aug 14 2006 at 5:18am | IP Logged
|
 |
|
In another thread there was some mention of older children of large families being overworked and given too much responsibility.
Most of us seem so sensitive to the needs of our children that I doubt it is a problem for us. But I am wondering how this looks in your family.
I have been criticized for doing this, by a parent of one child. But I don't think the criticism was accurate.
My older 3 do a lot of child supervision. The school age children all have regular assigned chores and there is always work that comes up where we all pitch in. I admit that I rely heavily on them.
My oldest handles my wild toddler better than I do. Mostly because he adores his big brother and will just follow him around. But it's been a big resposibility for him these last couple of years.
I have always thought that jumping in and working hard is vital for our family to function well. It is also good training for the work force and the children's own families one day. Surely anything they do in life will sometimes require them to sacrifice their own desires for the benefit of someone else.
Yet i also try to balance that with special privileges for the older children. They get to stay up late to play a computer game or watch a movie. Sometimes they chose to just sit around and talk to us during that time. They have their own activities that we are committed to, sports, dance class etc.
I see evidence that their hearts are committed to our family and not resentful. The older kids will voluntarily organize an activity for the younger ones. It is common after church, during coffee and donuts to see my oldest, and some of his friends hanging out while holding a baby brother or sister.
They have been known to grumble on occasion about doing chores or do a poor job, but over all they work hard, play hard and it seems to be going well. I guess they're still pretty young...
__________________
God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Christine
Forum All-Star
Joined: March 23 2006
Location: Washington
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1151
|
| Posted: Aug 14 2006 at 5:36am | IP Logged
|
|
|
When my oldest was a baby, I was told by a mother of a large family, who had come from a large family, that while children should help out, we need to be very careful to respect our oldest children's needs for outside activities and not place too much responsibility upon their shoulders. If it is something that we should be doing ourselves, then we should do it. She felt that this was especially true of the oldest child.
My oldest child is the type who would easily take on too many household or family responsibilities (the next in line is the complete opposite). Thus, I make a conscious effort to follow this mother's advice.
__________________
Christine
Mommy to 4 girls, 5 boys, & 2 in God's care
Memories of a Catholic Wife and Mother
Pretty Lilla Rose
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Martha
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 25 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2291
|
| Posted: Aug 14 2006 at 7:59am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Bridget,
I had that exact same accusation give to me by a parent of one last week! The odd thing is, I think she's way harder on her only than I am on my oldest! lol
I have created a bit of a family motto, "Family takes care of family." My dh jokes we sound like Irish-German mafia when we say that to the kids, but it is what we believe.
I'm the youngest by 10 yrs in a family of 4 and have zero relationship with my siblings. They were always the "2nd parents" and I have no memory of playing together like siblings. I was the bratty burden they had to endure. No sibling relationship ever developed. So I am sensitive to the older kids getting too involved in helping with younger children.
I feel I received a grand piece of advice a few years ago. An older mom with a few more than me said her policy was to always ask the youngest kid possibly capable to do whatever, even if it would be easier to ask an older child. It's easy for a busy mom (at least me anyhow) to get in a rut of asking the kid who does it the easiest, quickest, or whatever - which is often the olders. I have found this to work well here. It keeps the responsiblities pretty well spread out. The older ones still have plenty, but the younger ones don't get to glide by either. The best part is it really doesn't take that much effort on my part to do it this way, but I have seen positive results of it.
The olders still do more, as is expected as they get older. But they certainly aren't doing it all or doing everything alone and the younger ones don't get to use the "I'm littler" excuse to get out of responsiblity.
__________________
Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JennGM
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 17702
|
| Posted: Aug 14 2006 at 8:09am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Martha wrote:
I feel I received a grand piece of advice a few years ago. An older mom with a few more than me said her policy was to always ask the youngest kid possibly capable to do whatever, even if it would be easier to ask an older child. It's easy for a busy mom (at least me anyhow) to get in a rut of asking the kid who does it the easiest, quickest, or whatever - which is often the olders. I have found this to work well here. It keeps the responsiblities pretty well spread out. The older ones still have plenty, but the younger ones don't get to glide by either. The best part is it really doesn't take that much effort on my part to do it this way, but I have seen positive results of it.
The olders still do more, as is expected as they get older. But they certainly aren't doing it all or doing everything alone and the younger ones don't get to use the "I'm littler" excuse to get out of responsiblity.
|
|
|
That's great advice, Martha. I'm only a parent of one, but I'm the eldest of 7. I was leaned on heavily. At times I've resented it, and thought it wasn't the best. The problem was that once the big kids helped out, when the little guys came along, the tasks were already rolling. And there was quite a bit of age difference, so we did do a lot of mothering of the little ones.(but we did bond together, thank God).
But some things happen because of temperament, not just because the child is the eldest. I see things that need to be done. I can't rest if people need help or things are all awry. I have that personality that comes in at parties and rolls up my sleeves and does dishes. Take charge -- is it because my mother depended on me? Not necessarily. I wanted to help. I liked being in charge.
My mother gave me freedom, outside activities and all such, but I still helped out a lot. We all had our chores, though.
I just say this because I do think a mom should look at the child's temperament when evaluating this all.
Not sure this makes sense...haven't had my morning caffeine yet. 
__________________
Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Martha
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 25 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2291
|
| Posted: Aug 14 2006 at 9:26am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Oh Jenn, I know just what you mean. My 2nd dc is very much like that. He has a natural parental attitude towards his siblings. I have to keep a close eye there. Even if his temperment is inclined to taking charge, the younger children need responsiblity too. For him, I focus on letting his learn to help them gain responsiblity of their own, rather than to just take over - which is his natural reaction and preferred way.
Remember the family motto is "Family takes care of family." not older kids take care of younger kids. I want my younger children to learn to take care of family too. I also want my older children to learn to accept family help too. These children are going to need to lean on each other at various points in life. And it won't always be the younger ones leaning on the older ones.
It's a balancing act. My olders do have more responsiblity and expectations, but it's because they should know better and do better as they have more experience. But I also have to make sure my younger ones comming up behind them get chances at gaining those expereinces to build the same sense of responsiblity in them.
I think that is where some families have a problem. 1 kid gets all the responsiblity and experience while the younger kid(s) coast by without those same life skill building experiences. The result is a kid with a heavy burden and the other with nearly no burden at all. I don't know that it's all a big family issue either. I've seen this is my brothers family and they only have 2 girls 5 years apart! There is a lot of resentment in that house now. Not over the burdens themselves, but over a feeling of being over-burdened by one and a sense of not being involved at all by the other. The goal should be to share the burden amoung everyone in the family.
__________________
Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
lapazfarm
Forum All-Star
Joined: July 21 2005
Location: Alaska
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 6082
|
| Posted: Aug 14 2006 at 10:41am | IP Logged
|
|
|
One thing I am discovering lately that helps is to offer older dd a choice of caring for the littles while I do a chore, or doing the chore for me while I watch the littles. Sometimes she is just not in a frame of mind to care for the littles and would rather take over a chore. I think it will also help to keep her from resenting the littles because she always has to watch them.
And I really like MArtha's advice about getting the youngest possible to do a task. Ds (11) is so good with the two preschoolers and such a helper. I need to make more use of him! And dd (nearly 5) can entertain the baby quite well for a little while.
__________________
Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Meredith
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 08 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2355
|
| Posted: Aug 14 2006 at 11:15am | IP Logged
|
|
|
lapazfarm wrote:
One thing I am discovering lately that helps is to offer older dd a choice of caring for the littles while I do a chore, or doing the chore for me while I watch the littles. Sometimes she is just not in a frame of mind to care for the littles and would rather take over a chore. I think it will also help to keep her from resenting the littles because she always has to watch them.
And I really like MArtha's advice about getting the youngest possible to do a task. Ds (11) is so good with the two preschoolers and such a helper. I need to make more use of him! And dd (nearly 5) can entertain the baby quite well for a little while. |
|
|
Oh I could have written this too, except my oldest is only 10 and she bears the brunt most of the time. The next oldest is my ds 7 1/2 and he will wrestle  with the baby (15 mos) until I can't take it any longer  Then we switch back to big sister or try with ds 4 for a bit, but that usually ends up about the same as with older brother, sigh...I like the idea of offering the chore instead of the child care! Great thread ladies!
__________________
Meredith
Mom of 4 Sweeties
Sweetness and Light
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
hylabrook1
Forum Moderator
Joined: July 09 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5980
|
| Posted: Aug 14 2006 at 2:37pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I think it's very natural and normal for family members (most of whom happen to be children  )to help to keep the whole enterprise running, which includes helping with younger siblings. This often takes the form of sharing a chore/job, with the older probably doing most of the real "work", but the younger learning alongside. I don't think this is necessarily overly burdensome to any of the children; it IS part of "real life" education. It always seems strange to me that public schools put lots of emphasis on self-esteem when I see a very natural self-esteem developing as children learn how to take *real* care of themselves, do *real* tasks that *really* matter in helping the family function more smoothly, etc. The self-esteem that comes from competence is the real deal and is accomplished without all sorts of contrived opportunities designed to "develop self-esteem".
I totally agree that we need to be careful, especially with children of certain temperaments, to be sure there is oppotunity for childhood and fun time. I have noticed, though, that when everyone helps get the work done, the parents and children all have more time to get places and do things that are more recreational in nature.
Nancy
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Martha
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 25 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2291
|
| Posted: Aug 14 2006 at 6:26pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
hylabrook1 wrote:
I have noticed, though, that when everyone helps get the work done, the parents and children all have more time to get places and do things that are more recreational in nature.
Nancy |
|
|
This is what we have learned too! Many hands make quick work. 
__________________
Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
ALmom
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 18 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3299
|
| Posted: Aug 15 2006 at 4:32pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I was an oldest child and did feel strain - but more from the lack of training and conversation with my parents than from quantity of work. I do think the presence of mom in the home is essential. I also think that having a child as the equivalent of day care worker is too much. I was expected to tend to the littles for half the day while my mom worked. I was bossy, but thought that I was simply eliciting cooperation and my siblings were just pains. They resented me and it prevented us from being closer when we were younger. Simple guidance to me would have made a difference. I was trying to be good - I was just young and didn't know how to lead without being bossy. I had plenty of time to run around with friends - but somehow my parents always seemed stressed to me, wondering why we always fought and not really hearing me when I expressed my thoughts. I try to listen to my dc and to give honest compliments. I overheard a lot of conversations about my parents concerns for the family (the oldest child can be quite an eavesdropper) and so took on many of the family stresses that I shouldn't have known about. I knew my dad was under financial stress so when my dad took us out to eat, I always ordered the cheapest thing on the menu, always took the hand me downs without complaint, etc. It was easy for this to get lost in the hustle and bustle of family. I try to remember not to say anything in front of the children related to finances (not the same as saying No, that dress is way out of budget - if you want it you better start saving - we do this, of course. It's those off handled conversations about whether or not child 2 should start cello lessons that the oldest hears and then comes to quit her lessons that she loves dearly because she thinks you cannot afford to offer the same advantage to her younger sis - but part of the decision with younger sis is that she doesn't practice...) These oldest hear these off handed conversations and come to some odd conclusions or internalize the stress. And be sure - the oldest hears just about everything if they are girls anyways! Sometimes it is easy to assume that the oldest is all grown up because they tend to be achievers, stay focused, hard working and take charge. I remember being proud that I was grown up - but then lost that no one seemed to notice that I needed help. I tended to try not to trouble anyone, to be helpful, to keep everything going, live up to whatever expectations - but then I'd cry from all the burden and lonliness. I wanted the other kids to like me and they didn't seem to. I needed a mom - not a friend!
Now, everthing I hear on this board has to do with parents still being parents and supervising the authority they delegate and being attentive to the needs of the older child as well. I don't think it is the amount of work as much as it is the sense of security that mom is there to support me and guide me. I am not being blamed for littles misbehaviors but being taught how to elicit obedience by my kindness. Also the sense of being valued - thanked and noticed for the help rendered, being aknowledged and listened too. Various circumstances will require more or less help from the children. A farm family will, by necessity, need an awful lot of labor from the children (much more than I require from my children) - but they also have the joys of animals, etc. When mom is sick on the sofa or on bedrest, well, others may have to chip in and do more than is ordinarily expected. Being appreciative and still trying to keep a handle on the pulse of the family goes a long, long way.
In our house, I do not leave any older dc alone with younger until they are much older and have shown clear competence in handling situations at home when I am around (without bossyness, temper or undue frustration) - and then it is only for a very short time. I set up the times so that both children are at their best, and it is almost certain to go well. It is the parents responsibility to be the overall manager of the home and we keep that job for ourselves. My presence in the home is essential! I may ask an older to help with a younger - but my ears are cocked. If I see a need for assistance, I do not react like the child failed - but provide the assistance and train the children in how to handle the situation. Ie I may pull aside an older child that is being bossy and give suggestions for a way to rephrase asking, etc. that will bring about more cheerful compliance and I may pull aside a whiny, fussy child that is totally non-compliant and suggest a nap or whatever. I try to keep a pulse on the situations as they develop in the home. Sometimes a child just needs mom and no matter how good a sibling may be, they will not be successful. I try to set up situations that are pleasurable for both, utilizing skills I see in the family. Or I may be training an older in responsibility and gentle leading so the responsibility assigned is truely beneficial to both. I try not to be selfish - I just cannot take the noise will someone please take the toddler (this is what I avoid, not always succussfully, mind you). If I must leave an older (that is fully trained, of course) with youngers, I still assess situations and take the children with me who have unresolved issues seething below the surface. I would do this even if my mother were the one watching the dc. I am teaching the dc how to resolve their differences and I need to be with them to help them in their attempts to communicate to one another about what bothered them. I delegate only when I have confidence that it is a win/win situation for all or absolutely necessary (I have to run a child to the ER and no one else is around). I periodically talk to the oldest (and all the children) alone so that they are free to express annoyances, frustrations, needs, etc. and I try to listen. We periodically review chore assignments and try to balance out any imbalances. Yes, there are times that I find myself calling on the same child over and over because they are the "reliable" one. Then I have to look at the stress level in the home and maybe back off on something else (lower academic expectations that were unrealistic, accept a lower standard for something, carve out time for me to work with a new child so that there is more than one "responsible" child. I try to notice who has been tracking mud in and forgetting to clean up - they'll be the one I call on for the emergency deep down floor cleaning. I'm not perfect and do try to openly acknowledge - gee I think I've been always calling on you - you do such a good job. And then mentally prepare to spread out the workload better.
I make a point of expressing gratitude for a job well done when helping me out. I don't want my olders to be taken for granted, but to know how much I appreciate their helping hand. I compliment when they have been particularly gentle with a challenging child.
I do try to rotate who I ask so it is not always the same child. But in an emergency situation, I am going to call on the child that I know will respond immediately and with competence. But I let this child know how much help they have been.
I do try to be sensitive to time constraints, keep a handle on academic loads, etc. so that I do not ask the impossible and there is time for dc to pursue some leisure/fun and have time to be involved in a passion.
I do not think it is what is required of the child as much as it is the training that is provided in doing it, the ongoing support and the time to talk one on one with our older helpers. I think we all see signs if the balance is off - and adjust. Do you remember the babysitting you did as a teen - I was totally stressed out by it and I wonder that parents in their right mind actually put me in charge of their children. I had an infant one time that did nothing but scream for 2 plus hours. I had to finally call my mom to help - but felt like a failure and louse. I hated working with babies and young children for a long time after that. I should never have been set up for the failure. I should have been eased into it - and if this was a baby that needed mom, then mom should have been there. I try to remember this in my home and not ask dc to tend to a child that really needs me. I try to teach them a bit at a time and set up situations for success. My oldest has a different personality from her nearest sibling. They can both be quite good with siblings but are better at different kinds of activities with them. I try to ask for things that will come out enjoyable for both. If I want them to learn a little skill or patience that doesn't come as naturally to them, then I ask them to help when I am more available to guide, not when I need absolute quiet so that I can help someone with math.
My oldest has cooked dinner for me since her senior year. She asked to be allowed to do this. I allowed it but told her to give me a heads up if there was a day that she just was too overtaxed. I considered this my job but certainly appreciated this very, very real assistance. However, when assigning regular chores (she specifically requested that dinner not be her assigned chore, she wanted it to be just something she did), I did make sure I gave her an easier chore that involved flexibility in when it needed to be done. She did the laundry - and can throw it in coming and going. If a week was extra hectic with recitals and competitions, I would throw a load in for her. I did not call on her a lot to help with siblings during school hours, but still did occassionally. I did ask her sometimes to help supervise music lesson practice or to entertain a sibling for a short time. She usually played music for them or danced with them. Being older, I could ask her to babysit for an occassional evening out - but this was a paid job. (I view asking for assistance with dc so that I can pursue entertainment as a different category than everyone chipping in to get a job done and I feel this should be a paid job - but these same dc will volunteer or offer these services as gifts as well). I also asked her from time to time if she would be willing to do some sewing for me (I cannot sew and do not feel like I can expect this regularly as I cannot guide the process or assist. I go by the adage not to expect from those under me anything that I cannot or am not willing to do myself. This is presented as an option not a demand - and she can assess her time availability and accept the job or not. It is paid in some way - sometimes by me purchasing fabric for her to use for her own enjoyment). She does sometimes volunteer without being asked - and I gladly accept this gift of her talent to the family. She does driving for me (we pay the insurance of an extra driver on the car but I do expect her to run driving errands for me. She is a better driver than I am and is often coming and going to her own lessons so this is not an undue burden on her but a real major help for me). If I need her to do longer entertainment of a sibling, she will often take one or two with her on an outing to the store. I would be less inclined to send her to play a game with a toddler or art project as this is more of a stressor for her (too much noise and chaos) but she can do it in a crunch. Taking siblings on a shopping expedition is more of a treat for both.
I rely on the 2nd dd more for toddler entertainment - games, art projects, etc. but try to shift around enough with other siblings. She unloads the dishes and helps me with dishes and tends to most of the dog chores during the week - others take over on the weekend with the dog. My dh does take the dog out in AM and PM (the very early and very late duty) and I will take the dog out if she is in the middle of a major school project or really behind and stressed - but she still must do doggie playtime. I tend to call on her a lot for general help, but do try to be sensitive to her school workload. She is the most natural entertainer of the littles but I do try to spread the task around as she has a heavier academic load as she enters high school.
Younger children/boys are responsible for tidying up, sweeping, vacuuming, wiping the table and lawn mowing.
All are supposed to bring down their own dirty laundry, take up clean clothes, tidy own room and work areas, and clean up after themselves (like taking dishes to the sink, rinsing and putting in dishwasher if they are tall enough to reach). If they have accidents with the bed, they are to strip the sheets, bring them down and I will help them make the bed if needed (most are able to do this on their own but I do help if needed). I work with everyone on school, keep the overall picture and schedule in mind and try to chip in where most needed. I will ask the 8 yo boy to make breakfast if I need help here - he enjoys this, does great scrambled eggs and generally is my academic whiz so does not have a lot of academic stresses. If the kitchen is covered in flour, baking soda, etc., I will call on this child to help clean up even though this is normally the 2nd dd chore - because it is a sign of various explosive science experiments that he, more than likely, forgot to completely clean up. (If I know someone else made banana nut bread or something, then I'll ask that child to help). Now the dc don't necessarily know my reasoning behind who I ask for what so it isn't an opportunity for whines or blaming someone else for the mess - generally it means the chores get passed around a bit by my request. Certain children really need the early morning relative quiet to get started on the day so I will call on the 8 yo and the 6 yo for some toddler duty during school hours (play games with the 3 yo, read to him) When the 12 yo boy needs his intermittant breaks from school, I ask him to have overall charge of the toddler and send all the boys outside with instructions to stay together in our back yard (I can see and generally hear them from the kitchen window where I work one on one with dc in school). I will call in dc one at a time for any one on one school time or discussion. I generally will ask the 2nd dd to do some toddler entertainment/supervision when I need to make sure things are very quiet for work with another - especially the older highschooler but as she has a more challenging academic load, I do try to be sensitive not to let this drag out.
Everyone has chores and we try to work together. I know things are changing this year with our oldest going off to college so we will be making adjustments as we go and I'll have to cook and do driving again.
I guess it does sound like my oldest have some pretty significant responsibilities - but I am always here helping. They are very happy and continue to volunteer and ask for time with their siblings. They are free to express things to me about how the days are going - and I do try to make adjustments based on what I hear from them and sense in general. I don't think we have expected too much - our children seem to be happy, well adjusted, with time for friends, relaxation. They are confident in their dealings with others of all ages. They don't seem to feel slighted in any way. We generally have a peaceful home with loving consideration for one another.
I think other families may need to have children do more or less than ours. It is keeping a handle on family dynamics and making sure the oldest do have some time for fun, too. If we plan an outing where my oldest is having a chance to visit, I try not to ask too much for help taking toddlers to and from so I can talk to the other mom's - but I don't hesitate to ask for help if I have 3 going in different directions. It does help when their friends don't react to toddlers as in the way.
It is comforting to know that in an emergency I have no doubt that my oldest could run the household temporarily. My next dd is still in training but developing this ability - she could do everything but plan and cook a meal right now. I know when my sis was hit by a car while standing around loading her car after a function with the children, and the dad was out of town and no one was around to help, this family functioned just fine despite the mom being taken to the ER. The oldest boy drove everyone else home, the oldest dd ran the household and had everyone in bed for the night and made necessary calls to inform relatives, etc. Thankfully, everyone was fine - but these children were equipped so that they were able to just do what needed to be done because they had been trained little by little in the home under the careful supervision of their mother. It was not a panicky moment (other than obvious worry that their mom was OK). Each chipped in with their own talents and worked together because that is what they'd been doing all along.
Janet
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Rachel May
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 24 2005
Location: Kansas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2057
|
| Posted: Aug 16 2006 at 9:45am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Hey, just a quick thank you for the wisdom shared here, especially to Janet because I know that must have taken forever to type! I'm printing this thread so Bill will read it too. We've been enjoying a great discussion started by this thread. It came at the perfect time for us.
Thank you all so much!
__________________
Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Erin
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 23 2005
Location: Australia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5814
|
| Posted: Aug 17 2006 at 9:03am | IP Logged
|
|
|
JennGM wrote:
I'm the eldest of 7. I was leaned on heavily. At times I've resented it, and thought it wasn't the best. The problem was that once the big kids helped out, when the little guys came along, the tasks were already rolling. And there was quite a bit of age difference, so we did do a lot of mothering of the little ones.(but we did bond together, thank God).
But some things happen because of temperament, not just because the child is the eldest. I see things that need to be done. I can't rest if people need help or things are all awry. |
|
|
Jenn has described my own family too,
You know there can be a child who is too responsible, a parent of a child with this temperament can take advantage of this trait.
It wasn't the work itself I resented as a child, well not often. What was difficult was knowing that it all rested on my shoulders, that I was responsible for ensuring that less chaos was happening. That the load of washing or the tea wouldn't happen unless I did it. That was a big load to shoulder from a young age. I wouldn't have minded all of it if it there had been a parent directing the work, a 'captain at the helm'.
Children respect fairness. In my family it wasn't fair that my brothers were not expected to work. Nor in the long run was it fair to them.
With my own children I have been scrupulous in history not repeating itself, have I gone too far? Perhpas a little. All jobs in our house are divided up the amount according to age. When it is time to get an extra job done I rotate. If I've recently asked child 1 then I make sure I ask a different child the next time. This way the responsibility is shared. Although I need to work on temperament, child 4 tends to get out of too much.
__________________
Erin
Faith Filled Days
Seven Little Australians
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
teachingmom
Forum All-Star
Virginia Bluebells
Joined: Feb 16 2005
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2120
|
| Posted: Aug 18 2006 at 12:21am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Janet hit upon a point that I wonder about. Where is the balance between working with the giftedness of each child and trying to mix up assignments to help each child grow in her abilities? My oldest is a huge help around the house with cleanup, cooking, and de-cluttering. She sees what needs to be done and does it beautifully and completely. My 2nd dd is a natural mother -- she is amazing with her youngest sister and I anticipate that she will be the one begging to help me the most with the new baby this Fall -- but is not in the least bit detail oriented. I try to mix up my requests a bit (i.e. asking the oldest to read to her youngest sister or take her outside to play/asking 2nd dd to clean the bathroom, etc.) but I wonder if I am still relying too much on their strengths.
What do the rest of you with older children try to do in this area?
__________________
~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Martha
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 25 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2291
|
| Posted: Aug 18 2006 at 9:21am | IP Logged
|
|
|
teachingmom wrote:
| Where is the balance between working with the giftedness of each child and trying to mix up assignments to help each child grow in her abilities? |
|
|
the short response is - I have no idea.
the long response is...
I TRY (and fail often I think) to emphasize their strengths and often tell them this is a gift they can use to help others. For example, if a dc has the natural strength of being detailed, I will try to pair that child up with a sibling that is the worst in the talent. The theory is they will rub off a bit on each other and be forced to think a bit differently to achieve a goal. If they have a weak area that needs working on, I'm honest about it. "Dear child, you need to work on this. Do you think you have a sibling who could help you get better at this?"
Again, I don't know... I think it depends on the issue. No one can be strong in everything and everyone has some weaknesses. I think it's more important to be aware of our weaknesses so that we can compensate for them using the abilites we do have.
I have no idea if that made any sense! I just know it's a constant uphill battle here because the things that come naturally work out easy and too often go unnoticed, but the weaknesses often become obvious when things get out of whack and make it easy to become too critical without intending to be that way. I feel I must be ever vigilant and even then it's all mostly hanging on a hope and prayer.
__________________
Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
ALmom
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 18 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3299
|
| Posted: Aug 18 2006 at 1:17pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I try to work side by side with the child when trying to address a weak area. I can simply be around and alert when it is a strength. My oldest who has been cooking for us was afraid of the oven and wouldn't touch it for a long time. I never forced. When we cooked, I was around to put the things in the oven and eventually gently encouraged. Now, I don't need to even be around. Once competency is achieved, I can ask dc to do whatever is most pleasant to them. But if another child who normally likes a job is unavailable or I deem needs a break, I can call on a competent child who doesn't like the job as much.
Sometimes children develop a love for things that wasn't natural at first. We all generally hate what we aren't that good at - but don't mind it or even begin to enjoy it when we get good at it!
Janet
A child who tends to be spacey and never remember chores - well it helps to assign a chore that will be obvious - don't give them the scrubbing of the bathroom you rarely enter. I give a chore like take out the trash - well if he forgets, I don't miss it cause it is falling out on top of me and I can call him to task pretty immediately.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Older kids helping
