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Angie Mc
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| Posted: May 10 2006 at 11:11am | IP Logged
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Over at Fireside Chat, I posted about what helped me to get through pregnancy anxiety. To summarize, while pregnant I worked very hard to be grateful for each moment I was physically united with my baby. I had to work to keep my head in line with the truth, that I wasn't entitled to my desired outcome. I needed to trust God and do His will.
Can you help me to draw parallels between what I have learned about being grateful for precious moments with my baby in the womb and being grateful for precious moments with my baby who is a teen?
I've been struggling these last few months with gearing up to homeschool our oldest through high school. I think that I am trying to control stuff that I really can't control...and I am being distracted from what I can and should control.
When I was pregnant, I could only control my thoughts (and I struggled with that,) my rest (and baby actually had a lot to say about that,) my food (ugh, when I could eat,) and my movement (when I could get off the couch.) I could always pray...when I wasn't self-absorbed. THEN I obviously couldn't control SO much...mainly...what would happen to my baby. Yet we live in a culture that puts out a false sense of mother control. If we just a,b,c, then all will turn out right for baby...for teen.
Women of wisdom...can you help me to get off to a good start with hsing my first through high school? Do I HAVE to make every blunder under the sun with this poor kid, finally learning my lessons after she is gone? What do I control? What should I be responsible for? Is there any truth in these thoughts....
If only I had been more demanding about the math, or done Saxon like everyone else, she would be doing better in math today! Too late.
We should have saved a lot of money to send her to a private Catholic college. Too late.
I should have helped her to develop better habits...of initiative, neatness, speedy work, forthrightness, when I had the chance. Too late.
If only I had been more disciplined...if only I had done more, been more rigorous. We didn't do Latin...should have done Latin. Too late.
I love this teen. She is one of my favorite people in the whole world. She is bright and talented and funny. She is kind and grateful and patient. She loves to cook, write, fiddle at the computer, practice karate, follow baseball, make gifts for her friends, volunteer at church. She treats her family well, including her extended family. Children adore her. She has many friends, some life-long. She is absolutely beautiful with big wise eyes and a large smile. I'm a FOOL to get lost in my own anxiety.
Could this all be connected to the fact that John Paul turned one year old this past Friday? I cried me a river of tears...so unusual for me. I was face to face with the truth AGAIN...I love my children and love mothering them and this time is fleeting.
Boy could I use a hug...or a laugh...or a tropical vacation...HELP  !
Pathetically,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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ALmom
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| Posted: May 10 2006 at 1:18pm | IP Logged
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Growing Pains! There is a certain grief in letting go at each stage. You know what really helps - keep reminding yourself of what is important in the full scheme of things. Will it matter in eternity whether or not you did Latin? Will it really matter? You do the best you are able to. Pray every step of the way relying on the graces of the Sacrament of Marriage and then trust God (this part is still a major work in progress here as I get extremely self-absorbed as if somehow I'm in control instead of God.)
Janet
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Willa
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| Posted: May 10 2006 at 8:37pm | IP Logged
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Angie, it's not too late for any of those things.
She is only 13 or 14, right? and it sounds like she's developing in all sorts of ways. If our toddler walks at 9 months and doesn't talk well until almost 3, do we blame ourselves for not working hard enough on "pre-talking habits"? Well, nowadays I guess we DO that, actually, but perhaps we shouldn't....
If it is right for her, all those things can still happen.
She can learn Latin in the last two years of high school and learn it well. My oldest did, and Greek into the bargain.
She can catch up in math. Saxon works for some but not for all. I had to take 3 of my kids off Saxon. It works for some but it's not a magic elixir.
She can go to a Catholic college. My oldest did, and we did not have money saved up for a college fund either.
Those good habits you mention sometimes kick in much later than 13. It sounds like she's working hard on other habits just as good.
Now about the pregnancy analogy, here's my take:
When you're pregnant, you're the whole universe for your baby. When he's born, you're still pretty close to the center of everything for him.
As he gets older, he realizes you are not the center of the universe. You can't make everything he wants happen, you are not all powerful. The corollary is that we moms have to realize that too. We are not responsible for everything. Our kids have their own path, their own choices to make. THeir fathers have a key part too.
You are still a key influence, but they need to do things their own way and that is part of the great adventure of raising teens. SOmetimes they will do some things better than you could have. You'll see. Maybe she already is. Sometimes they'll grab onto something you've given up on for them. I really would have liked my oldest to go to a Catholic college but didn't push it; I thought for sure he would end up going to the state university to study computer programming. Nope. God wanted something different for him, and made it happen. He's at the Catholic college after all. It's not the right path for every kid, probably won't be for his brother, but it was for him.
It's neat to be able to stand back a bit and become less the sun your children revolve around and more the star that guides them and brightens their path. It really is.
SO I think you're right about just resting and trusting; I know how hard it is though. BUt I do think you have reason to be optimistic and hopeful, just like with the pregnancy. Whatever happens, there is that precious soul and the relationship is ongoing. For eternity. God has made so many good promises. Rest in Him.
I think the blunders are good learning experiences for everyone concerned, and can be good relationship-builders too. We want our children to learn to make mistakes and move on and learn from them without being paralyzed. So it's nice if humbling to be able to model that.
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AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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Leonie
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| Posted: May 11 2006 at 6:33pm | IP Logged
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Angie,
I think sometimes we all have regrets.
We love our teens. We want the best. And , to be honest, it is bitter sweet to see them grow and to realize all our own imperfections - and the imperfections of our dc.
You have plenty of time to do the things you mentioned with your dd - and one thing I like to remember is that we have all of life and God is at work, here, too.
 from me.
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Leonie in Sydney
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folklaur
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| Posted: May 12 2006 at 11:59am | IP Logged
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Hi,
I know I im-ed you, but thought maybe I should answer some of this online, so maybe others with similar concerns could share too!
Angie Mc wrote:
If only I had been more demanding about the math, or done Saxon like everyone else, she would be doing better in math today! Too late. |
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No. We used Saxon for a (very short) time. She hated it. She would be reduced to tears, and for a long time I felt like we were total failures at Math - especially after trying Singapore ( better) and MUS (better still). Not so, though. We didn't formally do very much Math for a long time~not until this year actually, though we would dabble from time to time. Now, at 16, she is using "Mathematics : A Human Endeavor ~ A Book for Those Who Think They Don't Like the Subject". It is by Jacob's -- the same one who has pretty good Algebra & Geometry programs ( which we didn't do so hot at either  ) And she is doing just fine with it. Many colleges use this text as an intro Math course for Freshman. And she is picking it up just fine, with little help from me. And now she *wants* to learn it, becasue after Chem this year, she thinks she really might want to try Physics -- but needs some Algebra 2 to do it. So she has the motivation. And we all learn better when we care about what/why we are learning.
Angie Mc wrote:
| We should have saved a lot of money to send her to a private Catholic college. Too late. |
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Well, if you didn't put money aside, yes, you are right, there probably isn't a way to have a full-blown college fund for her. (We don't have one for Sarah either.) But, does she WANT to go to college? What does she want? Sometimes, when I have to be honest with myself, I look at the brochures and stuff from Christendom, and Thomas Aquinas, and *I* want that for Sarah so badly. She, however, wants to be a pastry chef. She has wanted to do that for a long time. And one of the best programs for that around here is at a community college. So what are her interests, etc? Does she want to go to a private Catholic college? If she does -- there will be a way - through financial aid, scholarships, etc. If that is a goal -- you still have years to figure it out. Us ethis time to figure out what she has as her goals.
Angie Mc wrote:
| I should have helped her to develop better habits...of initiative, neatness, speedy work, forthrightness, when I had the chance. Too late. |
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No, it isn't
Angie Mc wrote:
| If only I had been more disciplined...if only I had done more, been more rigorous. We didn't do Latin...should have done Latin. Too late. |
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I didn't take Latin until I was in college. I had not taken a language before that. I loved it and took it all through college. If she wants to do Latin, she can. Later in high school, or in college. There are even courses to check out at the Library, and we are lucky enough here to be able to use Rosetta stone for free online ay home through the library system. Community classes teach languages too. There is lots of resources -- maybe not all for latin, per se, but still for foreign language ( and Spanish is a lot more helpful here anyway )
Angie Mc wrote:
| I love this teen. She is one of my favorite people in the whole world. She is bright and talented and funny. She is kind and grateful and patient. She loves to cook, write, fiddle at the computer, practice karate, follow baseball, make gifts for her friends, volunteer at church. She treats her family well, including her extended family. Children adore her. She has many friends, some life-long. She is absolutely beautiful with big wise eyes and a large smile. |
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Yes, yes, and yes yes yes! She is all those things! Wonderful things! Super important things!!! Things GOD cares about, and that is the first and foremost important thing, right?
Yes, there are other homeschoolers whose children are super studious, who excelled at the SAT's, who do this great or that great. But look at all the things she does great!
And -- would you trade this style of learning? Are you ready to give up your time with her to have her do a program like Seton -- which, from what I have witnessed from other families with teens using it, and from my own very short stint with it years ago -- is not really "learning" as much as reciting back exactly what they want to hear? And taking up a LOT of famiy time -- especially in the high school years?
Hugs to you!
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stefoodie
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| Posted: May 12 2006 at 1:32pm | IP Logged
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Oh Angie. Wish I could send you on a tropical vacation, but for now you'll have to do with cyber hugs.
Hang in there, friend. You've already received beautiful advice here and I don't have that much more to add -- I go through these moments with Aisa too. More often than I care to admit.
The truth is we both have lovely, intelligent, kind, caring daughters, and we know they're capable of so much. You're doing the most important things, Angie, you're bringing them to God. I hope you find peace in the knowledge that in the end, these are the things that will matter. I have faith in you -- you don't know how many times I've said to Alfredo, I've got to be more like Angie! You're a great mom, and I know you're not looking for me to tell you that, but you are. And your kids are going to be just fine. I believe that with all my heart.
Love and prayers,
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stef
mom to five
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: May 12 2006 at 1:51pm | IP Logged
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Angie Mc wrote:
Could this all be connected to the fact that John Paul turned one year old this past Friday? I cried me a river of tears...so unusual for me. I was face to face with the truth AGAIN...I love my children and love mothering them and this time is fleeting.
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Totally. It has everything to do with that and then some.
Print this 2006-05-12_134324_NACHE2003.doc and read it in a bubble bath.
This is a hard, hard stage and not enough people acknowledge it. You're coming to grips with your oldest growing and going. You're looking at your littlest, who is still a baby, and having to acknowledge that his baby days and yours might soon be over. Talk about emotional overload. Been there, done that  .
Let's look at why you decided to home educate in the first place. Was Latin high on your list? Was math? Really? Certainly, there is a place for Latin and Math, but I don't think any of us really wants a Latin-Centered curriculum. We want a Christ-centered lifestyle of learning. You have that. Devin has that. And you 've written eloquently about her heart. How do you think she got that way? Why do you think that you can't help her a little further?
You can. And you will. You've got some panic going about the gaps and the holes. Oh boy, do I know that panic. But I think that you will be able to troubleshoot those things and that this really will turn out beautifully. Lots of us have faced those holes and lots of us have figured out ways to discern and to meet the real needs of our teens. You are resourceful. You are good at this. You just need to keep on keeping on. We'll be here for you.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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margot helene
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| Posted: May 12 2006 at 3:57pm | IP Logged
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Oh Angie,
I'm with you on this! I will never feel like I have prepared them enough for whatever path they need! Math especially. Thankfully my husband will be taking over Math with oldest next year.
Yet, I know your kids and they are great, and my kids are great. They have people skills and curiousity laced with diligence, and that is what's going to be most important no matter where they go. I am so looking forward to schooling Cecilia for HS! Hope she still likes me by then HAHA
God bless
Margot
I can't believe John Paul is one year old already!! I weep with you!
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: May 13 2006 at 12:51pm | IP Logged
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You all are THE BEST! I'm copying out your replies and links and...
taking them to read at a Phoenix resort for the weekend! Dave and the children are taking me there to celebrate Mother's Day...woo hoo! It's also my Honey's bday on Sunday so we'll celebrate that too .
When I come back, I look forward to replying here. It's weird. I've been extremely confident in our learning lifestyle and remain so. Perhaps if I'd been worrying all along I wouldn't have been so caught off guard by this big transition. One thing I have learned is that being pathetic is underrated. I'm going to try it more often...your friends cheer you up and your family takes you to a resort for the weekend! Not bad .
Happy Mother's Day 
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Victoria in AZ
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| Posted: May 13 2006 at 7:28pm | IP Logged
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Angie Mc wrote:
Boy could I use a hug...or a laugh...or a tropical vacation...HELP !
Pathetically,
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Sending a Early in my hs journey, a wise mother told me, "We don't need more scholars; we need more saints." All of your children are gorgeous and you are definitely doing so very much right. I know it is all too soon our oldest are going to leave us, Angie, but heck, I'm looking forward to grandchildren
Will pray with you!
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Your sister in Christ,
Victoria in AZ
dh Mike 24 yrs; ds Kyle 18; dd Katie 12; and one funny pug
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Precious Moments with Teens
