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Angie Mc
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As an adult with primary responsibility to your dh and children, how do you honor your father and mother? How do you honor them when your relationship is one of respect and ease? How do you honor them under stressful circumstances such as living long distance from each other, them being away from the Church, them being critical, selfish or immature, their failing health, etc.? How do you honor them in death? How do you and your dh and children prioritize this relationship in light of the command to Honor Your Father and Mother?
I'd like this to be a topic of brainstorming and hope! Thank you for sharing what has worked for you.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Paula in MN
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Angie, I wish I had answers to your questions. Reading your topic is giving me the ugly impression that I'm not doing what I should, so I'll be watching this for replies. I know that with my mom I keep my opinions to myself about many things.
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 Paula
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pixilated_momma
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Wow. Those are very good questions ... My DH and I talked about this a lot when we came into the Catholic Church. Our experiences with our parents are very different, so we wanted to figure out how to fulfill this commandment without being false or glossing over the past or putting our children in bad situations.
Honoring parents, to us, is to pray for them regularly, to be glad for the good things that they taught and to let them know of what we learned from them, to share positive stories of them with our children. It also means to listen to them and make time for them. When you get along with your parents, honoring them means to let them know of being grateful for those lovely memories, words of wisdom, etc. that they have shared, or bringing them into the family for special events and letting them know how much they are loved. It means letting them have time with the kids and by doing so showing them that you treasure who they were as your parents and that you trust them with your treasures, too... It means making sure you talk to them now and then and have the kids treat them respectfully and kindly.
We also have to deal with the other end of the spectrum. We've had to think about how to honor someone who was clearly a terrible parent and another one who was neglectful. And so we honor them again by praying for them and also realizing that this is God's kid and that He loves them.
We used to think that honoring our parents meant being best buddies with them or being superclose, but because of our life choices (Catholicism, homeschooling, etc.), we are in direct contrast to their decisions. And on so many levels, we're opposites. It's shocking. But we've learned that it won't kill us to make a little time (with supervision) of this or that person and to not say negative things in front of the kids or even to negate them. We try to listen more than we talk. It's tricky sometimes, especially with little kids around, so we are mindful of what is being said.
With parents that one is not close to, this is very difficult and involves tight-rope walking. With parents that one is close too, this is easy!
Edited to add: I guess also, to me, honoring them means not to always think about all the bazillion of crazy or mean things that the parent has done, but to hold them up to the Lord and try and view them as a brother or sister, a child of God, rather than in the parental (or in-law) mode.
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stefoodie
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pixilated_momma wrote:
| With parents that one is close too, this is easy! |
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Very true. So to put this in perspective, keep in mind that I am very close to my parents so for me honoring them comes naturally. In our home, that means:
1. having the kids talk to and see them regularly. they have such a great relationship and i am very happy that my kids will always have beautiful memories of their grandparents.
2. having the kids write them if/when they are so inclined. my parents regularly send us stuff (care packages) so sending them a thank you back is one way to keep in touch.
3. when we're together physically, whatever grandpa/grandma says goes. the only times we (parents) will put our foot down is when something is clearly bad for our child/children. that means, if grandpa wants to help with loading the dishwasher and he doesn't do it "our way", it's OKAY. we always keep in mind that grandma/grandpa usually have our/their best interests in mind, so unless they're misguided (in our opinion) we don't get in the way.
4. if they want to indulge the kids (and usually, this comes only in the form of food, books, money or clothes -- hardly ever toys or movies), we let them.
5. we pray with and for them. my parents pray the Rosary every night and they tend to say the prayers faster than our family does, but if any of our kids complain, we tell them basically to shut up (not those words but YKWIM). after all, it's grandma and grandpa's prayers that have also brought us this far.
6. if they make mistakes, we don't laugh at them. we don't criticize them, we don't talk about them behind their backs. we tolerate whatever quirks they have.
7. we do our best to keep them comfortable when they're in our home. IOW, we serve healthy food, give them the best beds/space/towels/whatever. (my mom and dad are very good about bringing lots of the kids' favorite foods too, so it's not an additional burden to me/us at all to serve them good food.)
8. sometimes family reunions mean helping them with little things they can't do on their own/haven't been able to. for instance, dh takes this time to get their cars checked (tires, oil, brakes). he usually checks the pilot light too, their heating system. dh fixes whatever little things he can fix while at their home. i or my kids help grandma with things like computer programs/software, juicing grapes, heavier gardening chores.
9. pray, pray, pray for them and their health -- mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. and they always remind us to pray for their souls when they're gone.
10. honoring them also includes reminding siblings who may happen to forget once in a while, any of the above. we also remind our children often that without our parents, THEY (our kids) wouldn't BE HERE.
i want to point out that all the above, they did for THEIR parents when they were living. so we're merely following their example. of course, we're hoping that our children see our example as well, and that they're going to treat us with the same kind of respect and kindness when the time comes. no guarantees, i know, but that's what we're hoping anyway.
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Paula in MN
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Stef, thank you for sharing. I see that I am doing some of those things, though not as many and not as often. Opportunities abound for me to start setting a better example!
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Angie Mc
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Thank you, all! I do think this is a sensitive topic for many...for different reasons. It is one thing to know that we must honor our father and mother - no options there - it is another to know what that means and what that looks like.
In general would you say that to honor means to:
Pray for them!
Meet them where they are at.
Respect their choices.
Follow their lead.
or more of a proactive way:
Initiate contact.
Lead in relationship building.
Go above their effort toward you.
Or maybe its a little bit of both?
Unlike stef, I didn't grow up with an example of how to honor parents as an adult(due to death, distance, and tension). I really appreciate hearing how others who love God and His commandments keep this one!
Love and thanks,
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Angie Mc
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Marcia
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My only response:
do not dwell on negative thoughts about past failures....
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Marcia
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Angie Mc
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Marcia wrote:
| do not dwell on negative thoughts about past failures.... |
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Absolutely - God's forgiveness and mercy is infinite! I surely wouldn't want my children to dwell on where I fail/ed. Which gets me to...
How would you like your children to honor you when they are grown with a family or religious community of their own?
Love,
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Angie Mc
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MicheleQ
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I find the Catechism helpful on this topic as it is a difficult one for me as well.
2214 The divine fatherhood is the source of human fatherhood; this is the foundation of the honor owed to parents. The respect of children, whether minors or adults, for their father and mother is nourished by the natural affection born of the bond uniting them. It is required by God's commandment.
2215 Respect for parents (filial piety) derives from gratitude toward those who, by the gift of life, their love and their work, have brought their children into the world and enabled them to grow in stature, wisdom, and grace. "With all your heart honor your father, and do not forget the birth pangs of your mother. Remember that through your parents you were born; what can you give back to them that equals their gift to you?"
2216 Filial respect is shown by true docility and obedience. "My son, keep your father's commandment, and forsake not your mother's teaching. . . When you walk, they will lead you; when you lie down, they will watch over you; and when you awake, they will talk with you." "A wise son hears his father's instruction, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke."
2217 As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family. "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord." Children should also obey the reasonable directions of their teachers and all to whom their parents have entrusted them. But if a child is convinced in conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order, he must not do so. As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
2218 The fourth commandment reminds grown children of their responsibilities toward their parents. As much as they can, they must give them material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, or distress. Jesus recalls this duty of gratitude. For the Lord honored the father above the children, and he confirmed the right of the mother over her sons. Whoever honors his father atones for sins, and whoever glorifies his mother is like one who lays up treasure. Whoever honors his father will be gladdened by his own children, and when he prays he will be heard. Whoever glorifies his father will have long life, and whoever obeys the Lord will refresh his mother.
O son, help your father in his old age, and do not grieve him as long as he lives; even if he is lacking in understanding, show forbearance; in all your strength do not despise him. . . Whoever forsakes his father is like a blasphemer, and whoever angers his mother is cursed by the Lord.
2219 Filial respect promotes harmony in all of family life; it also concerns relationships between brothers and sisters. Respect toward parents fills the home with light and warmth. "Grandchildren are the crown of the aged." "With all humility and meekness, with patience, {support} one another in charity."
2220 For Christians a special gratitude is due to those from whom they have received the gift of faith, the grace of Baptism, and life in the Church. These may include parents, grandparents, other members of the family, pastors, catechists, and other teachers or friends. "I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you."
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Michaela
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I need to read what Michele posted, but I wanted to share the way that I have found peace with this question is to make sure to react/include/love my mom the way I hope my children will for me. Both now, living under my roof and also when they have their own home.
The rest of my thoughts.....I'm going to have to PM you because I think those thoughts would change the tone of this thread.
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Angie Mc
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Thank you, Michelle. Our Church gives us a beautiful foundation from which to proceed - such a necessity, especially if our personal experience is lacking. Praise God!
Michaela, thank you for being sensitive to ensuring a hopeful tone here. I look forward to reading your PM. Honestly, I almost posted this topic anonymously because I didn't want to risk being misunderstood or, without intent, misrepresenting my parents which would result in dishonoring them - exactly the opposite of my hope! I've just never settled into "what this should look like"...am I doing enough? am I doing what's most important? am I juggling my priorities properly?
Back to brainstorming, a new way I'm honoring my mother - making time for and building our relationship - is by having a private blog for the ladies in my extended family to discuss movies  . My dd and I watch a "lady" movie once a week (you know - the movies that men will ruin by rolling eyes and moaning if they watch them with you  ) and we write a review about it on the blog. It's fun to hear my mom's comments on the movies - especially the classics that she watched when she was young. Cyberspace helps to bring us together (we are far-flung) and at our convenience. Plus, discussing a fun topic together is a treat.
Love,
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Angie Mc
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TxTrish
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Marvelous discussion, and timely for me, too.
My parents have just moved in with us - and this is a daily struggle for me. Ensuring that I honor my parents while maintaining my first priority (hubby, then children/school).
Thanks to Stef & Michelle - great responses and food for thought.
Knowing that I set the tone for my family, I feel the weight of my responsibility. I have to maintain my attitude, and my facial expressions  - you know the chidren can tell right now if I am insincere about what I am saying or doing. So, I know this is going to be a real growing experience for me.
I have been reading "My Spirit Rejoices" by Elisabeth Leseur lately. It shows me just how far I have to go.
My brother has been very sweet in listening to me when I need to vent. And, my sweet dh is very committed to doing this so his support is invaluable.
So, right now, honoring my parents means treating them with love, patience and respect. It also means that I stand solidly behind the conduct I expect regarding my children, our schedules and so on. It means letting go of being freakishly neat, and trying to make sure we are ALL comfortable.
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Angie Mc
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Thanks, Trish! I'm praying for you!
I thought of a little way of showing honor...when I write to me parents (they are married and both living) I put my father's name first. In my early adult years I fell into the habit of addressing my mother first because we tended to talk more  . So putting my father's name first on a card sent to them is a little way to honor his headship.
Love,
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Angie Mc
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MarilynW
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Great topic Angie. It is something I have been journalling about a lot recently. An added challenge for us is how to do this for parents on a different continent? 
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guitarnan
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One concrete thing I began a couple of years ago that has really helped my relationship with my parents grow is to write a personal note to each parent on birthdays, Mother's Day and Father's Day, thanking them for the wonderful and loving things they have done for me and my family over the years. Sometimes it's a specific thing (for my grounding in the Faith, for example) and in other years it's a general thank you and an expression of my appreciation.
The very first year I started this, I received a beautiful, treasure-it-always note from my father...
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Tina P.
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A challenge for me was to honor my husband's mother (I never met his father), who was an alcoholic. She lived in a different state, so we didn't have to see her often. You see? Even the way I wrote that sounded ... bad: "didn't have to see her." I guess I meant in the drunken state. I did ask them to write thank you letters when she sent something, but often just left it at that. I prayed for her and still do, though she passed away several years ago.
I also had alcoholic grandparents who I loathed to visit. Oh, I'd smile and coo and be cute when I was with them in their acrid, pungent smelling tavern. But i could never wait to leave. So ... how does a mother set the example in this situation?
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Leonie
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My mum doesn't talk to me.  Long story. We live far part, interstate. And I never knew my father, who also lives interstate. But I try to honour my mum by talking good about her to the kids, making recipes she made when I was a kid anc calling them Nana's Cake, etc. And by praying for my parents every day.
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stacykay
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I have been thinking about this question all weekend. Mostly because yesterday was the one year anniversary of my dad's passing. My mom went to her heavenly reward in 2002.
While they were living, I guess I would say I honored them by always being respectful (I did slip on this twice!,) but it was easy to do, as they were both incredble people. I called daily (they were in FL, we were in MI,) visited as much as possible, sent cards and letters with lots of photos, told them how much they meant to me with every contact, took care of them while each was in hospice, offered our home to my dad after my mom passed (but a home with six boys when he'd had a home with three girls didn't sound so appealing  ,) and I guess, just let them know I thought of them.
I have a friend whose husband has been trying to work out how to honor his dad, who was abusive and drank, while he was growing up. I think that would be hard, so I am not able to give advice from that experience.
The best way I can think to honor any parents, no matter living or passed, is to live a life that is as close to what God is calling me to, as I possibly can. I know with my dss, that would make me feel honored.
Other things I have done since my parents passed ...placed the best pictures of them I could find in our dining room (I have one wall for family photos, with a collage of our immediate family (including wedding photo) in the middle, and then collages of my family and dh's family on either side. I bought icons of my parents' name saints and put those on a shelf in my china cabinet, have masses said for them, tell stories of their lives to my boys, and, ...yesterday I wore my dad's dog tags.
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
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Topic: Honoring Father and Mother
