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Angie Mc
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Before I had my first baby 15 years ago, I went through a major life change having to do with family alcoholism. I needed to leave my old ways and self behind to form new ways of being and to become healthy. I remember the absolutely horrific feeling of not "knowing myself." I felt like a stranger to myself as I dropped my old ways to become new. I remember honestly not having any confidence that I could become this new person. Fortunately, I did.
I had a similar feeling after giving birth for the first time. I was no longer a competent adult woman of the world...I was a mother. I had to drop my old self to such a degree that, once again, I was a stranger to myself. Oh how it hurt! I feared the unknown and simply didn't think I would ever be a good mother. Fortunately, I became a good-enough mom.
Well, help me out here, I think I'm going through the same process of becoming a new self. I'm being forced against my will  to become the mother of an adult. My oldest is 15 and all attention is suddenly on fixing everything that isn't up to snuff with her so that she can be an adult at 18. Now, some of this is just silly and crazy-making like freaking out over Algebra when I know her soul can do quite fine regardless of outcome but some of this is touching on something much deeper...much bigger. I think I'm struggling to give birth to an adult.
Fortunately, from past experience, I know that once I become this new person I don't ever have to go through the transition to this extent again. Yet, I'm honestly afraid that I just won't be that good at being the mother of an adult. Being the mother of littles has really suited me - but this? I just don't know. Is there anything you have done to make this transition as smooth as possible? I'm guessing that there is only so much to be done to make this time comfortable. I'm guessing that the pain is purposeful. OK...maybe I just need someone to tell me little white lies of encouragement  .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Willa
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Angie Mc wrote:
| Now, some of this is just silly and crazy-making like freaking out over Algebra when I know her soul can do quite fine regardless of outcome but some of this is touching on something much deeper...much bigger. I think I'm struggling to give birth to an adult. |
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I bet you're right. That freaking out about things you recognize aren't earth-shaking are for me, a classic sign that I am being called to stretch and grow.
I wish I could remember that when it's actually happening.
I went through the same thing when my oldest was at that stage. It was complicated and alleviated both by the fact that I had two little ones with medical problems, one pre-natal, one three years old. So I didn't have scope to obsess about the oldest; but on the other hand, I was already stressed. Made it worse and better at the same time.
I used to stress myself that Algebra DID have something to do with the soul. You know how it is... you worry about work habits and you worry about them being able to use their talents to their fullest potential. My older boys are very quiet and introverted and as a shy person myself, I had trouble knowing how to help them with that. I worried it would affect their futures -- mates, career, all that. Some of that sorting through of what IS a big deal and what isn't, adds to the stress.
It is a growing thing, I'm sure it is... you write it out very perceptively, Angie.
As for what helps:
Keeping your mind on the next thing to be done -- "age quod agis" -- a kind of focus and staying in the moment. Not catastrophizing, in other words -- don't we tend to do that if our own pasts were traumatic, and isn't it usually counter-productive?
When you look at the big picture -- which IS helpful and necessary to do, of course, since part of our parental role is preparing the child for his adult life -- turn it to positives right away, and prioritize. I used to wake up with insomnia and fret about the future -- finally learned to write down or at least make a mental, specific list of the worries.
Then at a better time, brainstorm possibilities for solutions or coping devices. Some of them turn out to be simply silly or low-priority when you're in a clear frame of mind ("My child won't get to go to the prom or walk down the aisle to receive his high school diploma" -- things like that). To use the introversion example, I can't take away my boys' quietness or mine, but I can figure out some ideas for finding us congenial opportunities, and I can pray, and I can look for the good part of the quietness -- the fact that they're less likely to do certain things that might be a temptation for extroverted boys.
About the prioritizing -- a character concern would be more important than a strictly academic one, and so on. Some things can be dealt with in some way fairly quickly; others are longterm projects, and so on.
Prayer, of course -- "pouring yourself out like a libation" -- I think of Hannah, and St Elizabeth, and St Monica, and all the other mothers who have felt this way through history. You think of Mary "we searched for you for three days in sorrow" and how her heart must have felt, and the way it turned out happily. So often that is a reflection of how a mother's life is as a child grows. You feel united in a new way with the mothers throughout history.
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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Nina Murphy
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OK---Angie. Read my last post in Chari's thread! I was probably writing it the same time as you. Yes, the process of getting my oldest "ready" for the world (clearing throat...she's not there, by the way) has been a very complicated spiritual journey for my husband and me. She is not like "other" teens (maybe they are pushed too soon by their culture, or maybe some are just wired that way?) who can't wait to be adults and be independent and on her own. Did we do the "homeschooling culture" right---did we even *know* how to find the balance for this age group? Sigh...we were SO different as teens, living such different lives, in such different milieus.....maybe we did over-isolate them. It's torture, isn't it? Arghhhh......can't even go back...it's a temptation. We must look forward. (And that's why we have each other to discuss with!  )
But regardless, our older two are very comfortable kicking back at home, to the point of worrying my choleric, driven husband that they do not realize the responsibilities awaiting them in their vocations---which are right around the corner. It is our job as parents to "prepare" our children. It is not so easy to prepare them I have found.
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~~Nina
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folklaur
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Hi,
I don't know if I am allowed to post here, as I am not quite 40 yet. But we do have a soon to be 18-years-old-in-just-7-weeks daughter.
Angie, you have once again very eloquently put into words what I have been feeling but have not been able to articulate.
I wish I had helpful words to share. I don't.
I can say, I think Algebra may be overrated  .
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Nina Murphy
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Oh no....shoot me. Please: just disregard everything I've written!  I didn't even look at the category heading like a doofus....
I am thoroughly embarassed.
I also will not be forty until my next birthday, Laura.
But since I have one 19 1/2 and have been doing this for 20 years....oh well. Sorry everyone!
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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Chari
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Not touching the TOPIC for the moment, as I am too tired ( see OTHER thread , ....but please know, the over 40 thing is NOT just for those OVER 40.......it is for those who PLAN to be forty someday, too........esp if you are getting close......it may be more on your mind .......I KNOW I enjoyed (and chuckled ) while my older friends were going through their 40s........and I paid attention........I knew I was heading that way, too
Bottom line.......some of you "younger" ladies, may have more experience with the topic itself........though, certainly not from the point of an over-40 ......and we welcome your advice and commiseration!
Dealing with it, too, Angie.......praying for you, and all of us!
Now, off to ANOTHER play and late night!
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Dh Marty 27yrs...3 lovely maidens: Anne 24, Sarah 20 & Maddelyn 17 and 3 chivalrous sons: Matthew 22, Garrett 16 & Malachy 11
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Angie Mc
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Nina, you just always manage to put a smile on my face. My goodness...your words of wisdom are always welcome. No more doofus talk, OK? If you are a doofus, then I'm a doofus too and I just can't take anymore identity crisis ! Thanks for sharing  .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Leonie
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| Posted: Aug 27 2007 at 6:39pm | IP Logged
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WJFR wrote:
Keeping your mind on the next thing to be done -- "age quod agis" -- a kind of focus and staying in the moment.
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Very wise. Staying in the moment. And keep on working on relationship - the relationship with parents,siblings, others, God.
I have found this to be most importaant, as my kids have grown older...I have three young adult sons, one eighteen year old and three younger sons. I thought
I'd be a bad mother of young adults - I didn't know how, I knew the little ones best. But staying in the momnent has helped - I am not parenting any generic young adult, just my own. Seeing each one as an individual, working on myself and with dh and with the kids, has been key.
But you are wise, Angie - it is a growing, birthing experience. 
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mariB
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Maybe it's just me, but I notice that my 15 year old needs me in nearly the same way as my 4 year old. The world is overwhelming at times. He climbed in bed with the 4 year old and me while we were reading a picture book and looked at the pages, listened, and then said,"Goodnight,Mom, and thanks for the goodnight story."
I have a friend who has a daughter that just went of to college and she has a big void right now. Our neighbor across the street had to paint his whole house inside and out when his daughter left for college.
Maybe having those feelings right now is good because it prepares you for the next phase...what a good analogy, Angie, "the birthing experience."
Oh, I have to admit I am a few years over 40.
Re; Algebra... 
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marib-Mother to 22ds,21ds,18ds,15dd,11dd and wife to an amazing man for 23 years
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ALmom
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I remember speaking to a priest as our oldest was approaching college age - trying to get help sorting through what was and was not important to stress over, etc. The wise priest looked at me and said, I don't think there really is anything wrong except you're grieving or something to that effect. I do think you do go through a stage of grieving - the children no longer want you in the same ways as they did when they were little, etc. They still need us - but in very different ways.
I find that I never stop worrying about the children - even the one away from home (and I don't have that much experience with this as I only have one that has gone off so far and the next is just 15) but I find myself trying to cope with so many things at once - the reality that there will come a time when babies in our home will no longer be possible (and that is happening faster than I want it) and children who no longer want mom hovering over everything or telling them what to do - sort of want us more in the background unless specifically asked for advice. There is something about learning to let go but still be a parent. I look back amazed at the little girl who would not even stay for 5 min with anyone without me and who is now so very independent. We have done the job we were given to do and now our role is different. We are still close but the little girl doesn't cling to me like she used to and I miss it sometimes. Also so many years of my life have been given to cuddling and nursing babies, to being involved in whatever these children were interested in, reading and researching in areas of little interest to me in order to help them, etc., etc. I've immersed myself in their lives and interests and hardly know my own anymore. Because my children haven't been in the local or parochial schools, we haven't had lots of spare time for outside things but every ounce of my energy has been expended in the home front - I really don't have a lot of contacts to make the transition smooth for me - we've been working to make it smooth for our children.
I wouldn't change anything, but there is a certain sadness. I'd like to have another baby - it may not be part of God's plan and I cry. My first baby is off to school again for her second year - and I think this year is even harder than the first year. It was such a joy having her here this summer - then it is over again and she is back persuing her dreams just as it should be. I'm not saying we aren't close because we are very close and she tells me so much about her days, her school, her struggles and triumphs. Still it is different from when she was little. Things aren't fixed easily with a kiss to the skinned knee. So much is held in my heart. I swell with pride at the beautiful young lady she has become, but I also know and treasure each moment and try not to smoother her in the process - and I worry, but I can no longer simply tell her not to go in the street. I have to pray and be more indirect in my guidance and trust that all those years of training have established a nature on which grace will continue to build. I cannot tell her the path that her life should take as this is something that is not mine to know with certainty, but hers to discover with the guidance and love of God. We certainly help her in the search, but it is her search. I find it hard not to be in control of everything yet we never really were, though when they are younger you forget this a lot because your role does require a lot more direct control of the environment, the choices, etc.
I love the joys of this stage - the sharing between adults, the confidences, etc. But there is a poignant sadness as well as you slip more and more into the background. You still hurt when they hurt, you still worry about them even when you aren't there all the time, you hear their sorrows and know there isn't much you can do about them anymore except listen and pray. It is hard not to be able to be the one who fixes it all and makes everything right again. Certainly we still support and encourage our children - they never cease to be our children.
Still that time is ever approaching when instead of a summer at home, it may be only a week or two. Instead of Christmas and Thanksgiving and Easter all together, she may be spending it creating memories in her own home and things will be far too quiet here.
In the meantime, I'm floundering a bit, but it is a grieving process of sorts. I still have littles so I'm still in one place with one group of children and approaching somewhere else with the others so this is odd too. I'm at a point with my olders who need me intensely but in a much different way - and with littles who need me in the old, familiar way. But I also, see the sorrow in my 4 yo when his big sister goes back to school and sometimes the confusion. I'm trying to learn how to help them adjust back and forth. I'm still trying to figure out this act of balancing the needs of all when they are so different - not just different due to personality but due to wide age spans. I guess there aren't a lot of folks like this at college - most of the students only have teenage siblings so the mom is in the same place with all her children at once. I still don't have the time to get out and about a lot as I still have littles in the home. I'm a bit frightened by what will happen when the last leaves the nest as I am not even sure anymore what things I like. My children have all enriched my life so much and I just cannot even imagine a home without a houseful of noisy, messy children. I know I won't know what to do.
I think I'm a very emotional type person and all the emotions at once are a bit overwhelming right now. I always cried with Jo in Little Women as I so identified with her desire to keep things always the same and how hard she fought the changes in family life that came from children growing up. I have a great role model in my mom and hope I can be much like her in continuing to support my family long after they have left home - adjusting gracefully with the changing roles.
Janet
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Angie Mc
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Friends, know that I read every word of your posts and private emails. I have held your words in my heart...pondering.
Sheesh this hurts! Yet, I'm sitting here with a smile on my face as I write. I know that anything worth doing, is worth suffering for, worth having your heart broken over, worth grieving over...
I am so blessed to have friends who are a steps ahead of me, willing to share their wisdom. Thanks.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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c_rob
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I have to agree with Leonie - stay in the moment. Fast approaching 50, I have one married, and two at Uni (plus a primary aged child and an infant) and I thought I was doomed to be a bad parent of teenagers because my mother always told me how horrible it was. On the contrary. It was delightful. The dinner conversations got more stimulating (we have always eaten both breakfast and dinner with our children), the weekend games afternoon (another inviolate tradition, which the older children insist remains)got much fiestier and the in-car conversations got much deeper. We loved it. Yes, there were the hormonal moments but, hey, they've put up with mine their whole lives! I have found the best way to deal with hormonal moments is to take the young adult seriously. Don't dismiss it. How can you keep real respect if you dismiss some of the things which, at the time, seem so monumental to them? Listen more. Advise only when everyone is calm. I often find (Note the present tense!) the best time for that is when I go into their rooms to say good-night. Like the babies they were of old, they are warm and snuggly and open to some mothering. It's a good time for mutual apologies, too. Let them say anything to you. Pray hard before you respond. Most importantly, trust in the person you have raised them to be. It's there. It will continue to resurface if you continue to be the mother you have always been.
Christine
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Leonie
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c_rob wrote:
Most importantly, trust in the person you have raised them to be. It's there. It will continue to resurface if you continue to be the mother you have always been.
Christine |
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Thank you - I so agree~!
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Leonie in Sydney
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cheesehead mom
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Went looking for some sage advice as I am preparing to send my first get off to college I came across this old thread so thought I would bump as there is much, much wisdom here, thanks ladies!!
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juliana147
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Thank you for bumping this. This has been a transitional year for me in so many ways. I have one who will be graduating, and it is so wonderful to see the independence, and at the same time, it is a bit sad because I know our family dynamics are changing.
I need to reread Alcott... I forgot that Jo struggled with the same thing!
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MarilynW
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I had not seen this thread when it originally started. I was going to post - but went back and read Janet's - and well - she says it all really.
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Marilyn
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4Real Forums : St. Anne's Tearoom: Growing in Wisdom over 40
Topic: birthing an adult
