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kathleenmom
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because, upon reflection, I think I can finally admit that I am not  .
With the end of the year and new beginnings, I've been thinking a great deal about directions for my family. I've also been wondering about joyfulness and contentiousness. We have a surfeit of the latter around here and a shortage of the former. The more I think about it, the more I'm certain that more of the reason for this lies at my feet than I'd like to admit.
There is endless bickering, cross words and contentiousness between my children. Now, I know all children do this to a certain extent. However, when I watch other people's children they just don't seem to rub each other the wrong way as often as mine do, and when they do, they're not so strident. I think part of the explanation is my children's temperaments and the mixing of them all, and I chalked most of it up to this for a long time. Now, I'm not so sure anymore. While I know my husband and I don't directly model this....in that we don't speak to the children or each other in the same "spitty" "venomous" way they speak to each other, we do employ a good deal of impatience in our affects, etc..... And, finally, the subject of the post...fun, joy, levity. We don't have that. Or, atleast we only have a very small amount. This seems to me to be the missing puzzle piece I've been avoiding.
I think their adrenals are all squeezed dry from all of the nastiness between each other, and their parents are NOT fun. DH and I both seem all used up by the care and feeding and constant fire extinguishing. We have little left. So, here's my question. My guess is their is some heroic effort required here. I NEED to be fun. I need to introduce levity and fun into my children's lives. I need to not be the fun sucker. Have any of you found yourself here? What did you do? Any suggestions or directions are much appreciated. Prayers are good too.
Kathleen
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kingvozzo
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Oh, Kathleen!  I truly could have written this post...This has been heavy on my heart as well lately. I very much want to continue this conversation, but I'll have to come back in a bit...
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Noreen
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Angie Mc
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kathleenmom wrote:
So, here's my question. My guess is their is some heroic effort required here. I NEED to be fun. I need to introduce levity and fun into my children's lives. I need to not be the fun sucker. Have any of you found yourself here? What did you do? Any suggestions or directions are much appreciated. Prayers are good too.
Kathleen |
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Yes, Kathleen, I do believe you are on to something very important! Am I fun?...not much by nature, a little by nurture (grew up in a family with humor,) and now mostly, by following the lead of my fun teens! Last year, our family motto was "Steady in truth and cheer." CHEER! Yes - I realized that I was making like WAY to difficult and burdensome for myself and others . I need to run but look forward to coming back...I'll leave a few sublime thoughts...
baseball
comedies from the 80's
 and love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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guitarnan
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More sublime thoughts...
Funny read-alouds
Picnics
Rock-skipping (see picnics)
Construction projects (towers out of newspapers and masking tape, or gumdrops and toothpics - marshmallows are too saggy - or drinking straws and paperclips...
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SuzanneG
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GREAT topic, Kathleen!
I don't think I would classify myself FUN by nature. I am a workhorse, and to me working is fun.....but FUN just for the sake of FUN....nope...probably not me.
My husband is not really fun either....def more on the quiet and serious side. But, TOGETHER we recognize the value of FUN and levity and craziness and TOGETHER we have been able to create this in our family. I say, TOGETHER, because, so often I do not want to be fun, but I can say to him, "Hey, we've had a rough day and I'm totally spent. Can you have a little FUN tonight?" And, Mr. Phlegmatic comes to the rescue! He rallies! Cuz it's part of our vocabulary, we know what "that" means.
I make a huge effort to be crazy and looney and ridiculous....because I do think it's very very important for my kids to see this. When I was 20 and the world was a nasty place and I was confused, I KNEW that I could come home and be surrounded by a bunch of weird, fun, looney, people who gave me a hug and didn't take things as seriously as I was at the moment. They made me laugh and roll my eyes.
It's also probably a bit of selfishness too.....I think the more fun you have with your kids the more "lee-way" I have to "mess-up" in parenting.  Not sure if that makes sense, and I'm sure that will be mis-interpreted. But, it's true!
I think my parent's ability to be FUN, and SARCASTIC and a bit "off-the-wall" helped this increbibly choleric individual to have a *bit* of balance.
************************************
There are 2 things that I "read into" your post and what you said. You aren't specifically asking about these things, but perhaps may be neccessary to evaluate, along WITH incorporating more "FUN" into family life. It sounds like you are already thinking along these lines, anyway:
1. Finding detached, unemotional ways of stopping and not tolerating the bickering and arguing. Coming up with a list of problem areas, brainstorming solutions with your husband and coming up with a plan to decrease these things in your house.....ALL WHILE DOING A FEW JOYFUL THINGS TO TEMPER THE CHANGE.
2. You mentioned that you are "taxed to the max" and have "nothing left". Perhaps look at re-vamping your chore-system....get everything off you and dh's "plate" except those things that only you or your dh can do. You have older kids and should be spending your time on managing the big picture (which in this case includes incorporating FUN into family life)....NOT cleaning toilets or doing dishes!!!!!! This is SO IMPORTANT!
3. Also, looking at your schedule. Are there things that need to be dropped for the sake of relaxed-family-fun? Don't think of this as a permanent thing....simply temporary while you work on establishing this part of your family culture. Maybe a couple sports need to be dropped, so that you can just hang out and play games a couple nights a week.
************************************
Misc. Ideas
**Games that encourage craziness (even though I'd RATHER play games where I'm finding "patterns" or strategizing). PIT, Cadoo,etc.....there are lots listed on the GAME THREADS.
**Encouraging "performances" where I just sit and laugh and enjoy them (even though I'd rather be scrubbing something).
**Walks with "crazy-themes", encouraging everyone to hop skip run and jump! (or whatever....)
**Excercising together....because NOTHING is FUNNIER than a 40-year-old woman trying to keep up with her kids
**Read silly books and poetry.....memorize stupid things and laugh about them.
**During read alouds....use accents, crazy voices,
**Friends....I have a couple neighbors that are naturally CRAZY....it helps to hang around them in the summer afternoons....(again, even if I'd rather be sorting my desk)
**Movie nights.
**Some of these Poetic Gems have FUN written all over them...they are FUN to laugh about and quiet effective.
**Plan a Sat. acitivity that is out of the ordinary.
**And, when all else fails, there are 4 words that always add a bit of FUN over here. Opera, Singing, Neil, Diamond.
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Suzanne in ID
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molly
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First-good to hear from you Kathleen, I missed you
Second- this is a good topic, but I think I err on the flip side, and my dc think life is one big fun exploration. This sounds good, but in reality it can be not so healthy. There has to be direction, follow thru and disipline (thinking of the mnd here). It is hard to get my dc to realize that we can not just play all day. I ahve a tendency to throw it all out and just play, too many days. I like spur of the moment life, and though I do not think I can change my temperment, I do admire all the "work horses" who plan and have order in their lives.
I suppose my point is the flip side can be a little disconcerting, too!
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LeeAnn
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Suzanne, you are a gem! :) I am not just NOT fun but a downright curmudgeon at times. I have a terrible time making myself sit and play a board game with the kids or watch a whole video with them. So many other things I'd rather be working on! But it is important to make the time and make the effort to have fun. Back in October we took the kids to the indoor water park--the kids thought it was so funny to see Mom yelling and shrieking like they did. They loved it.
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DominaCaeli
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Same problem here too--I am NOT fun at all! I try to make an effort to do things the kids think are funny, and when I do, they get *such* a kick out of it--which shows me that I really should do it more often. Like some of you mentioned, during those "fun times," I'm often thinking about all the other things I could/should be doing rather than just enjoying the moment and making memories. 
My husband *is* fun (not so much with me--we're definitely both serious types--but with the kids). Sometimes that is frustrating for me because I've often had enough of the kids' silliness and don't want him adding even more silliness to the mix! But he gives them what they need, and I am grateful for that. I remember my parents being much the same way (mom more serious, dad more silly), and I loved that they complemented each other so well. I do, though, want to be the "fun one" now and then! I do get tired of being the bad guy all day!
Definitely something to work on in the new year!
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JodieLyn
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Don't forget the smaller moments that add fun without needing to take the time for a board game or a whole movie.
Like.. when my oldest son was little I always asked him if he was going to give me his ear yet.. no? then I'd pretend to try and take it off his head.. then go back to whatever.. probably only about 30 seconds of time.
Threaten them with something outrageous and totally silly.. one of my favorites is hanging them by their toenails to the clothes line. If the play threat doesn't work, then you may have to become more serious but often if I play it right, it's enough to remind them to get moving on whatever it is without actually delving into real threats and consequences.
Have fun music during chores.. walk past a child during a particularly fun song.. grab the child, do a couple of dance moves with them.. then redirect them back to the chore.
Basically, it doesn't have to be a big job being fun.. just tiny little "detours".
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DominaCaeli
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JodieLyn wrote:
Don't forget the smaller moments that add fun without needing to take the time for a board game or a whole movie.
Like.. when my oldest son was little I always asked him if he was going to give me his ear yet.. no? then I'd pretend to try and take it off his head.. then go back to whatever.. probably only about 30 seconds of time. |
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You are totally right, Jodie--being silly doesn't have to take a lot of time. But does anyone else read these suggestions (which are fabulous and just the kind of thing my kids would love!) and kind of clam up at the obnoxiousness of it all? Is it just me? I know I should force myself to make more of an effort, but it really *is* an effort. I guess I just need to grin and bear it.
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JodieLyn
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Oh I remember one of my small fun moments.. when I'm standing next to someone.. I'll jostle them.. just barely, they may not notice the first one.. so I do it again.. and again.. and when they notice me, I grin and them and do it again  which usually is time for a laugh and then we move on.. think a child doing dishes at the sink and you need to get a cloth to use on something or drain a can of something or whatever. Little to no interuption but you've added fun.
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JodieLyn
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hmm it's obnoxious to others.. maybe.. but when the child you're "joshing" looks at you with that smile/laugh.. you know you're tying a little heart string, creating a connection to that child.. it's less obnoxious when you're involved than when you're watching.
also, anything new takes effort.. but then it becomes somewhat habit.. and not so hard when you start getting positive feedback in the way of those shared smiles and laughs.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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DominaCaeli
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JodieLyn wrote:
| you know you're tying a little heart string, creating a connection to that child. |
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Thank you, Jodie. That's a nice way to think of it. 
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Celeste
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lapazfarm
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Ok, I'll admit it. I am fun.
But I think it is more complicated than just temperament. Fun comes from joy. When you are filled with joy the fun just kind of bubbles out effortlessly, like a bucket of suds overflowing.
The reason I know this (at least about myself) is that I have noticed the times when I am not filled with joy (when I am troubled or depressed), the fun is the first thing to go.
So, my suggestion would be to work on filling up the joy bucket first. The fun will follow.
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kathleenmom
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Theresa, I want to be you when I grow up. But.... until that happens, I'm going to beg to differ with you.
Some joyfulness IS temperment. I'll agree with you, however that much of joy is not just temperament. I have more joy when I am frequenting the Sacraments. I have more joy when I am not soley relying on myself. I have more joy when I slow down. However, even when I'm paying attention to Mother Culture; even when I'm chock full of Sacremental Goodness; even when I'm not trying to do it on my own, I'm really not a full of joy kinda gal. I'm not really a workhorse, and I'm not a goof either. I am neither of those things. I'm a butterfly. I flit from one thing to another, hopelessly disorganized...often frustrated with myself. I am a melancholic/choleric. God has such a sense of humor. However, his plan is perfect. He knew my rough edges needed so much work. So, he gave me 5 VERY strong-willed fire-crackers with their very own God-given rough edges. One of their jobs, I'm sure in God's plan is to rub off some of mine off, and one of mine is to constantly be striving for that joy you have. But, it isn't just there waiting for me to find the hidden treasure. I'm not really joyful even when I'm not depressed or troubled. It's not going to be that easy for me, and I suspect it's that way for others as well.
I'm still trying, every day, to count it all joy. Thanks for the help, ladies!
Kathleen
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SuzanneG
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There are 2 things that you could be incorporating here....they are different things....just separating to make the distinction....
1. FUN ACTIVITIES (more togetherness, things to do, time spent together)
2. FUN WAY-OF-BEING. This would be simply more levity, fun-sarcasm, silliness amongst the everyday things and happenings. Words, ways of speaking, facial expressions, voice intonation/influction, body movements. All these things *can* be silly.
Does that make sense? #2 doesn't come "naturally" to all people (temperament, etc.), and I know that you can't "change who you are"....but you can make a concerted effort to do something more or less, if you think it will accomplish the goal.
Are you looking for one over the other? Or maybe both?
I have an example of #2:
A couple years ago, a friend of mine, whom I admire very much for her composure and calm way of being, noticed that I said something to the kids all the time, that she was trying to incorporate into her way of speaking with them, because it always seemed to elicit giggles and a potentially-negative situation always seemed to be diffused by this phrase and way of saying it:
"You have GOT to be kidding!" with really big eyes and a slight purse of the lips and a bit of a smile.
I almost spit out my coffee when she told me this!!! I thought EVERYONE said this when you have kids! She said, she never said things like this. She never actually got mad either..... or lost her temper, though, like I do.
While I was saying THAT, she would have been getting quiet and a bit perturbed, and that was that. The end. Whereas the "You have GOT to be kidding" phrase elicited slight giggles, sheepish grins, a bit of healthy shame, and then conversation about "it". Then we were able to discuss "it" (as much as you can with a 5 or 6 year old), get to the truth or problem, problem-solve, and even laugh about it. Instead of no reaction or just handling something and getting mad (even if only interiorly), saying a phrase like that helps children to open up, "confide" a bit and it helps everyone to be on the same side. OF COURSE, there are situations where this is inappropriate....but I use it as an example to help evaluate how everyday situations can help individuals to confide in each other through laughter, levity and silliness. Eventually, that sort of confiding will be about bigger things, and is the foundation for a great teenage-parent realationship.
Oh my gosh. Someone take the keyboard away from me.... I'll stop now. Sheez. 
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Suzanne in ID
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lapazfarm
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kathleenmom wrote:
Theresa,... I'm going to beg to differ with you.
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Oh, join the club!
My husband often has to remind me of a fact I often forget...that I am different from most people, so what applies to me rarely applies to others. Still I do try...
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Theresa
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DominaCaeli
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Thanks for making those distinctions, Suzanne--they've helped me realize that I am talking about a few different things that I'm all kind of jumbling under the heading "fun."
In the first place, I've been meaning silly or goofy (which I am not) rather than cheerful or joyful (which I usually try to be). I have no problem being playful and funny with other adults, and I enjoy witty banter and sarcasm with my husband and our families. It's kid-level humor that makes me cringe. That's the kind of thing my hubby is really good at and that I need some work on.
Second, I could also stand to spend more time just doing regular "fun" (not silly, just fun) stuff with my little ones. They love reading books, which I do a lot of, but I'd love to pull out the special art supplies more than a couple times a week or act out "Peter and the Wolf" with them more than just once a month. Those are the activities that I have trouble "making time" for but that I actually do enjoy.
Anyways, love all the suggestions here, ladies, and praying for you and yours, Kathleen!
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Celeste
Joyous Lessons
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Kathryn
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WOW...what a great topic and great ideas! It's interesting b/c I only had this thought pop into my head prob. in the past month or so that I'm not a lot of fun to be around a lot of the time and I've thought of how I should do better for my family.
Honestly, I think I tended to be more fun by nature but got less fun thru the nurture part! I missed a lot of nurturing growing up and it takes a LOT for me to give of myself that way. Soo, that combined with all the other stuff that has to get done, I'd say at this point in my life, I'm prob. not a lot of fun a lot of the time. 
And now I best go tell that 2 year old that just learned to climb out of her crib to GET BACK IN BED! I promise I'll try to say it nicely.
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MNMommy
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I am working on being more fun (is that an oxymoron to be working on fun?) in the every day as well. So often I feel tired and pressed by the day's demands that fun starts flying out the door.
I also struggle with not being a touchy-feely person. My kids love to be tickled. So, I am trying to tickle and romp with them more. My boys, especially, love to wrestle and play fight. They feel most connected with me after a mad wrestling/tickling session.
We (as a family) try to play cards and board games and work on puzzles, but that becomes a struggle with toddlers. Going outside with the kids in the winter is a struggle with toddlers too.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: are you fun?
