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Maria B.
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| Posted: Feb 19 2007 at 3:30pm | IP Logged
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For those of your with husbands who travel a great deal and are away a lot, how do you handle "information overload" when your husband comes home. So often, I have so much I want to share with him, but there is so much I don't know where to begin. Or sometimes, I forget half of what I wanted to share with him. Many times I find that he is exhausted when he comes home and by the time we actually have a chance to catch up, I have lost my enthusiasm to share with him. When dh is away for long periods of time, I have trouble letting him "assume the leadership role" again in the house. It can be stressful at times for me since it is my nature to "take charge". Any words of advice and experience would be appreciated.
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Maria in VA
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Mary G
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Does all day count? 
My kids and I get used to dh being home during school breaks as he's a teacher; when he's at school all day (leaves about 6:15 and gets home at 6/6:15 every night), the kids and I try to tell him EVERYTHING at once -- we all get info overload then! Dh and I try to go out for a coffee or dinner at least once per week just to catch up without the kids around....especially as the 3 littles have decided camping in mom and dad's room is so much easier then heading to their own! 
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MaryG
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my website that combines my schooling, hand-knits work, writing and everything else in one spot!
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mavmama
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I'd love to hear your replies, as well. I struggle with the "balance of power" issue too after he's been gone a while (say, like 2 months...) LOL
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Liz
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Servant2theKing
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An idea comes to mind that is often used in the workplace....keep a special logbook while husband's gone from home. You can write about things that happen while he's away, post anything that needs his individual attention, include special drawings or surprises from the children, etc. Of course personal conversation and interaction are best, but a log (or for many of you, your BLOGs), can help spark memories of what has transpired while he was away! And it could be helpful for husbands to enjoy the log, or BLOG, at a more leisurely time, after everyone has the chance to decompress from the time the family has been apart! Keeping a log or BLOG, might help fill the time when hubby and daddy are away, giving everyone a special focus and filling the time with positive anticipation of the speical things they're going to share when he's home again!
God bless all of you who share your husbands with the world and juggle day to day living while they're away! May you be blessed with an extra measure of grace to handle your role at home with love and patience. May our Blessed Mother intercede for you in a powerful way as you strive to keep the heart of your homes beating in unison with her Immaculate Heart and with the Sacred Heart of Jesus!
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All for Christ, our Saviour and King, servant
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juststartn
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Well, my situaion is a bit different than most, I suppose--DH goes away for a month or more at a time, most frequently for 6 mos to a year at a time. What makes THAT doable, is a ever flowing stream of emails, letters, drawings, etc, if possible.
If that is not possible, perhaps keeping a daily log, of happenings, and events....discuss it over the dinner table, each night, maybe. Decide what ought to be written in there. Maybe if a child has something in particular that they want to share "privately", they could write a letter/draw a picture and seal it up, and put it in a special, large, perhaps decorated envelope designated for that purpose?
My Dh is in the army. Since 2000, he's been gone 3 yrs. He's due to leave again in late May/early June for another yr away (in Iraq). Our dc are only going to be hitting 7,5,3, and 2 newborns when he leaves, so my thoughts are more for the younger dc, as I've no experience with the older set. If you have older dc, maybe having them make a private journal just for them, and dad, to share when dad gets back...for dad to read as he has time, after his initial return, and then he can spend some time with each dc one-on-one, and discuss the issues/things he saw in the journal...It lets dad see how things have changed, over the time he has been gone, rather than just presenting him with the end result, iykwim.
As far as how to deal with the shift back into "dad's home, and he's in charge", I don't have a whole lot of advice. We've really not had too much of an issue with that...Dh is really laid back and has always been more than willing to let me handle most of the decision making around here (esp since he's been gone so much, so often). We do discuss the bigger stuff (for instance, I've not had to buy a new car, or move while he's been deployed), but general day-to-day stuff, I handle. And so far, we're pretty "in sync" with one another.
HTH
Rachel
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Lily 3/11/00
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hylabrook1
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For the first 7 years of our marriage, dh was on call in the hospital every 3rd night. On the nights he came home, it was never earlier than 8 or 9, and he was dead on his feet, as well as preoccupied with thoughts of some very sick people. So, believe me, I can relate to your situation of having too much to tell to someone who isn't always in a good place to process it. 
I would keep a list of things to share or ask, as they came up. When I was able to talk with him, I could kind of look through and priortize; sometimes by the time we were able to talk, the thing had taken care of itself.
Writing things down also helped me a lot, because I would drive myself batty trying to remember what I should tell him. Once I had them on paper, I could relax and not feel the pressure of trying to remember everything.
Peace,
Nancy
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mom2mpr
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When my dh traveled and was gone for 2 weeks at a time when in the US and up to 6 weeks when out of the US I sent a lot of e-mails. A lot. Four to five a day at elast. We did this for 2 years. It worked well for us. He knew what went on at home and felt connected. I got to tell him things and he could read them when he had a moment. If we needed to discuss them we could during his phone calls. When he returned home he also was tired, jet lag, time changes, working 19 hour days--communication was hard. And he only came home for a weekend!
We are still working on the re-connection(or reentry as my Mom used to put it). 
Anne
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PDyer
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My husband is a CPA, so he is mentally exhausted when he is not physically at the office (6am to 7pm or later) from mid-December to mid-April. We check in with each other periodically during the day via phone, even if only for 30 seconds. If something really interesting happens during the day I'll shoot him an email. He likes hearing about things as they happen, as it helps him feel more 'with us' in the moment.
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Patty
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stacykay
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I have to write things down, or I forget (yes, I am one of the "over 40's" ladies!  )
DH is also a cpa, usually leaving around 5am and getting home around 9pm or so. Phone calls are usually isolated to the topic of logistics, as in, "I have 3 basketball practices tonight, how do you think I should do this?"
The sad reality is that we don't talk a whole lot this time of year. When he gets home, he is usually tired and hungry, and the littles are craving daddy. Needless to say, I don't care for "tax season," but I am trying to approach it with better humor. I am trying to focus on the fact that it helps to pay the bills!
I look forward to any other suggestions!
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
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JodieLyn
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dh and I get in more talking when he's gone
At home there's always something to do, someone needing something.. and since the only way we can connect when he's gone is by talking we get more of that in.. of course that's only true when he can call home.
I've written a letter to him before even though I handed it to him when he got home.
I also make lists.
The balance of power thing is hard. Luckily we've both learned to be easy going. So that I can remind him it's trash night.. and he doesn't feel nagged.. and I stay in practise remembering what night it is (a continual problem  ) so that it doesn't get forgotten when dh isn't here.
Our oldest son is taking on more of dh's jobs too.. I feel quite pampered now that I have someone who can chop kindling for me. (we heat with wood).
Mostly I'm so thrilled to give back "his" jobs that I don't have a lot of problems.
Oh and practise improves your ability too. Thinking about it now.. I think that may be why I don't think of it as difficult. We've been dealing with this for 10 years now.. we've "learned the dance" and rarely step on each others toes 
As for decisions, I've rarely had to make any big ones without him. I suppose telling everyone that he'd take a job that was offered while he was "nowhere" (eventually he talked to the right person by someone holding a 2 way radio to a satellite phone ) might be a bit "forward" but we'd already talked about it and I did know he'd take it.. we laugh about how I had the house half packed (new job involved a major move) before he even got home.
I think partly he doesn't get overloaded because I get some "adult time" by chatting online.. and I seem to naturally bring things up over the course of a couple days... plus the phone time.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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sewcrazy
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My DH is gone every week from Tues to Friday. I keep a Wordpad page with stuff I need to tell/ask him. At the end of the day I edit out anything that sounds whiney on my part, add messages of love and support and email it to him.
Each day he emails me 3 things he would like me to do for him. They are usually very mundane, but things he expects to see when he gets home. For example, today he wants a new toothbrush, his new poster framed and hung, and his suit coat cleaned. He also sends each child a specific thing to accomplish each day either for him or for our house.
This helps to keep him a more activity "presence" in the house, even when he is not here.
LeeAnn
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Elizabeth
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My husband is gone about four days a week, often on the weekends. I totally understand everything you relate. The "re-entry" is hard for me--I don't think Mike even notices it. It's a weird dynamic. I started a private blog about a year ago so that he had ready access to things in "real time." It helped a little but it didn't really address the sharing problem you wrote about. Two years ago, he spent all week every week in LA and the time difference was killing us. He started getting up at five every morning (a huge sacrifice) and I called him at 8, my time, on the dot. I shut myself in my room and we talked for a half hour. The kids knew not to interrupt unless there was blood involved. It really saved us. Another thing I learned that time was to be awake when he came home. He flew in every Friday night at midnight. Even if I fell asleep before he got home, I'd wake up when he got in. It made the the transition to him being home much better. I'm running short of time now but I jotted a few things for Lissa last summer.
By no means do I have this figured out. It's just plain hard on all of us to have him gone so much. I am so outnumbered by teenaged boys right now (but that's a different thread, isn't it?). I don't think it's healthy for any of us. Ultimately, I think the best thing I do is pray this job situation will change.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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stefoodie
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I sympathize with you all.  (Hubby left yesterday  )
The information overload problem, I just don't try to solve anymore. Sometimes when he's THIS stressed and tired there's not much room for discussion and negotiation and all that stuff, he just needs loving, from me and the kids, when he gets back home. Either that or the catch-up-on-chores takes over.
I try to treat the situation the same way as when one or more of us get sick. When all is well/when hubby's back, we just jump back in, do what we can with what we've got in that moment, and tie the loose ends later, if we remember. That's the quickest way to get back to normal, and I find, the least stressful for me. I do have moments when I brood over lost time, but as hubby always points out -- happiness is a choice; sadly this is a lesson I'm still learning and relearning.
On a daily basis, we talk a half-hour or so on the phone, less if I sense that he's tired and just needs to sleep, more if he sounds more upbeat and ready to listen. The kids talk to him about 5 minutes each. We send each other e-mail; mostly "hi" or little stories, actually it's me sending the stories, he sends me LOL (which he thought originally was Lots of Love) in reply. On Valentine's Day when he was gone, we sent him e-cards, he sent e-cards back. And the day after when he got back home, he took me out for several hours (he got in early) and then we got the kids and stayed in a hotel just to do something different. The next day it was back to chores and packing for the next trip.
Re the balance of power -- is it really that difficult? I guess I hadn't given it much thought. When I'm the only one here, I'm in charge. When Dad's back, he's in charge. Maybe I'm just not thinking things through, please don't take this as me being insensitive. I find that when there are things I'm getting too overwhelmed with it's easier for me to step back and treat it like "it's nothing". 'Cause it's either that or wallow in my pain, and that's not good (because I can be VERY good at wallowing in pain).
I'm just rambling on here, gals, so if anything I said here made sense, I hope it helped someone. If not, just ignore me. It's dreary and foggy and gray outside, the kids have been whining about missing daddy, I don't feel like doing anything, so I guess I'll just make some more popcorn and hug a kid or two.
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stef
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Elizabeth
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I find the balance of power really difficult and I find the schedule thing really difficult too. I think it's because he's gone so much. He rarely has a day off--when he's in town, he's working 12 hour days or more. Those catch-up-on-the-chores days? Haven't had one in in this house with him. We've lived here five years. When he's home, it's more like the benevolent uncle comes to visit. He brings "snacks from the plane" and trinkets from where he was. He wants to stay up late with them and catch up or snuggle with them in the morning before he leaves again (time when we'd usually being doing bedtime or hitting the books). And that is really understandable. It's a delicate dance...
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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knowloveserve
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i think a lot depends on the length and type of seperation you are talking about. If like Rachel (and me) your husband is out of country for several months at a time, you have to write letters and emails and establish routines. It's a sad reality that you two are living two very different lives and can't share every tiny detail about what happens. Of course send care packages and share what you can but it's just a tough piece of leather to chew in the meantime.
On the other hand, if your dh is frequently in and out for shorter periods of time, you CAN'T really establish super concrete routines and you have to pray for the flexibility and humility to welcome him home with patient love and send him off with an understanding resolve.
Relinquishing the power... oof, this is a toughy. Pray to our Blessed Mother. Make conscious attempts to ask him questions and opinions and advice, even if you don't really "need" it. I do this a lot... asking questions about a home repair or how he feels about baby's nighttime routine, etc. This makes him feel needed and appreciated.
And in my only 5 years of marriage, I think one of the most critical components of having a healthy marriage is when the man feels appreciated.
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Ellie
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stefoodie
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Thinking more about that balance of power... perhaps the reason I don't find it a big deal is because we are not disciplined enough to stick to a schedule most days, so when Dad's here, dropping everything and just following his schedule becomes really easy.
He does ask me what I need from him; and if I do need him for lessons and stuff, I ask for that and he makes those priority. But other than that if he wants to retire late or sleep in, we do the same thing. If he wants to go sledding, we go sledding; if he wants to go to Home Depot and shop for light bulbs or screws, we go with him, even if it means no history or religion that day. Maybe one day I'll regret it, but right now it feels good to have that kind of freedom and to give the kids that kind of freedom to just enjoy dad those times that he is here.
There are also many days (too many recently) when he's come home, and he still has to work, so he's sitting in our 8-yo's room, working on his laptop and the kids play and do lessons around him... and then a few times when he's sent them out so he can have quiet for his conference calls.... that's when we do lessons.
It's also easier for me I guess than most of you ladies because it's only like this a few months in the year. If he were gone almost year round like your dh's I'd probably have the same struggles and difficulties as you gals do. I'm really humbled by the way you all handle it so well.
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stef
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Husbands who are Away a lot
